M.Puddles

Hi Robinski, Thank you for agreeing to read my chapter. I read the guideline and misinterpreted it. I thought that it was a suggestion and not a 'standard'. I included the word count so others wouldn't be taken off guard but I will keep my submissions shorter in the future. Thank you for letting me join the group this week and letting this one go. Matthew

Hello Reading Excuses. The first time I shared a chapter on this site there were a few of critiques that asked for me to start sharing from the start instead of 200K into my story. Gem of Worlds is one of my early chapters. As of now, it is the first chapter of my book, though I'm tempted to make it the second.Thank you for reading it and for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I'm looking for feedback of all kinds. Tell me what works or what doesn't, share what you find fun or interesting and what you find boring and dull. Thank you all, Matthew

Could I submit mine for Monday January 30th?

Let me start by saying that this is the third time I’ve written this. I’ve experienced two file crashes, and so this third time may be briefer. I’m sorry for that. This is good, but there are some issues for me. Your MC is annoying and overeager, and says some strange things. The interaction with the old guy doesn’t come across as believable at points. I can’t tell if your character is supposed to be annoying or if it just came out that way. If she is annoying, you have some work to do to make the reader care about her. You create your scenes well, and your pacing felt right. It was quick and easy to read. I’m curious who Dragon is. I imagined him to be some sort of Merlin figure. I’m curious about Jasmine tea. Why Jasmine? But I see the coffee shop on my way to my car, and it just sounds too good. Connect it to taste instead of sound. I’d left my umbrella at my partner’s place. It’s my own fault. I knew I didn’t have it as soon as I walked out the door this morning - I had to run to my car in the pouring rain. If she had to run in the rain, she would have remembered her umbrella quick. In line, dripping, my phone rings. This sentence can have a double meaning. I always thought he looked really nice. He looks especially nice today, after the fight with my partner this morning and an undecided evening ahead of me. Now that I’m close to him I can see that he’s going white at the temples. You would notice the beard sooner than this. “No, it’s wonderful,” I say. How sad, that this man should have such a great name and not even like it. “It represents strength and power and nobility. What parent wouldn’t want that for their child? What’s not to like? “That’s so great. Where do you live?” Overeager. My partner’s place is a thirty minute drive to town.” My partner’s in town, a thirty-minute drive from here. ! But I’m sure they’re nice, and worth it to be so close to downtown. I’d love to be able to walk everywhere. My partner’s place is a thirty minute drive to town.” “Oh?” he says, raising his eyebrows a little. “Yes, I rent a room in town, here, but he likes it when I stay over with him.” I chuckle Repetition. “Oh?” he says, raising his eyebrows a little. “Yes, I rent a room in town, here, but he likes it when I stay over with him.” I chuckle. “I moved to this town to be closer to him, But I’m sorry, I’m talking too much. Do you like living close to downtown?” Hanging a lantern on it? She’s socially awkward. “What?” I say. “People aren’t always lonely.” Not everyone is lonely. “Well, when I have kids,” I say, “I’d like them to have unique names. I want them to grow up knowing they’re special. Having the courage to be whoever they are.” “Do you have kids?” I ask, wondering what he possibly knows about it. Most teachers I’ve met don’t.” Most teachers do have kids. “Maybe you should try spending some time with kids,” I say, getting a little frustrated. “But the world is such a wonderful place!” I say. Your character is becoming annoying. Be careful with this. They’re amber, warm like a candle flame. Odd simile. He looks down into his tea and breathes in the steam. Evaporation. Water is one of the byproducts of photosynthesis. I shake myself a little. This pulled me out of the story here. “You must have warm hands,” I say, hoping he’ll say something soon. He probably hates me. “My hands would have frozen that tea by now.” This person thinks like a teenager. A little young for her age. He shakes his head. “I can’t get involved with women.” “Why not?” He’s holding himself back, I think. He could be great with women. Never assumes he’s gay? “Well, it’s not your fault.” But wait - what if it is his fault? Could he be a serial killer? I shake my head. I’m being ridiculous - he’s just exaggerating. He must be. And serial killers don’t do yoga. I don’t say any of this. “It’s not your fault. You’ve just had awfully bad luck.” Serial Killer Vibe should come sooner I think. As soon as he says: ‘Ten’. He’s a grave robber, I think. Then I think, grave robbers don’t do yoga, either. I still think he could be great with women. Strange thought. You’ve been hurt, and that’s horrible. But you’re the one who decides how you see the world.” She is too close to this person for just having met. I can’t believe I’m saying this to him. “What did the yogis in India say about all your negative energy?” I’m not believing this conversation here. I realize I’ve forgotten all about my mocha chocolate chunk cookie. “Well, I hope…” I stand up. I don’t know what I hope for this man. “And as for you,” he says, also standing, “I hope you find some freedom from your cage of joy.” Too much. Maybe I don’t want freedom from joy, I think. Then I shake myself. shutter? I look for him, but he’s gone. No chance to show him one more beautiful thing in the world, I think as I stare at the sunset. But it’s an evening that seems to want to keep to itself.

Thank you!

Thanks to everyone for such useful ideas and suggestions. In case you were curious: Protectors are Swiss guard like. Part of the culture is that no one but a soldier or a Paladar was allowed to wield a sword for hundreds of years. The army was disbanded the morning that these events take place, and the 'constables' were mostly recruited from taverns and street gangs. A few selects were chosen from the disbanded army or from the protective services of the clergy. They are meant to come across as uneducated louts. The lack of training with a sword is part of the reason he could fight the way he did. Almost no one knows what they are doing with a sword. The chapter was pieced together and presented out of order from the actual story. In my version, they open the door and go talk to Landon. My story is currently pushing 320 000 words and has 12 POV characters. It is the epic tale I'm probably not skilled enough to write yet, and I don't care. I love writing it. Raist has been a 'general' for about 6 hours at this point. His constabulary force contains less than 300 men and is highly disorganized. Prior to this, he double as a low noble and as Raynauld's 'go get this done' guy and is still struggling wiht his new role. The girl lives. Raist hides that fact from Raynauld...who wanted to use her an offering. Normally you would have read the chapter where the Protagonist finds Cella safe, unhurt, and scared in the field outside Landon's home,

Thanks again to everyone that read and responded to my chapter. it's not easy jumping into a story so far progressed, and I appreciate your willingness to tackle the challenge. I'm encouraged that most of you mentioned that the writing was smoothe and that the action came across clean. There are a few repetitions I need to address in my second draft. I'd stil like to hear what this group's concensus is on: comma splices within dialogue. Most of what I could find suggest that it is reasonable but I want to make sure I'm not overlooking a standard that may have changed. I will read work from your stories too, and try to provide helpful observations and suggestions that you may find helpful. Be well, and happy Canadain Thanksgiving to all. Matt

Hey! I read the prolgue and made comments during my writing breaks this week. I have no idea if this will be helpful, but here it is all the same. I liked it. There is a lot of world building, some good action and we get a look at the villain and heroes. I don't think this is a prologue. This feels like chapter 1. I will mention some of the small catches I found, and some thoughts and suggestions. Some of them may be better than what you did, but they may not be. Have a look and you can decide. Caveat: I read through the chapter over three readings, and it was after hitting my 1500 word daily targets. My story gets violent and yours does too. What I'm getting at is this: I was startign to feel a little 'action fatigue' when your prologue finished. Although I liked it, I wonder if it would finish with more zing if the fights with Cronus and Octavian and Atena wrapped up quicker. The way the fire parted around Atena's energy felt repetitive instead of 'cool'. I still liked it. You know how to write, and you paint a good image and I think you may have some compelling characters. FIRST PASS Two thoughts: · Your word choice. You drop us into a setting and describe the setting with a word that sent me to the dictionary right away. Lanceolate is a good word. I like it and may use it. But I’m not sure I’d use it in my first sentence. · You introduce a new word, exim. This is a creature that isn’t described at all. As powerful as your language is, the first paragraph is more abstract than I think you wanted it to be. You put so much effort into describing the scene with your senses that I wanted you to be aware of this. Very weird thing to taste. Most people would want to retch. Not eat. ‘Trying not to avoid’. You can clarify this: As hard as it was, she embraced the stench. Too many pronouns in a row here. You use ‘she’ six times before you use her name again. I think you should limit it to three so we can learn put the character’s name in our mind. This is the first hint of action. From your character The new trend of prologues is the ‘James Bond’/’Indiana Jones’ sort. High action to plunge us into your world or character. I know this is not what you want, but the temptation for is too great. Ever thought of starting your book with: ‘Concentrate, moron,’ Atena grunted. I’d break this up into two sentences. It sets the scene. How can Atena think she heard no shortage? I liked this exchange. It’s where I bite into the story. I’d put the name first, and then the description after. It would feel more ‘epic’. Still don’t know what exim are at this point. No real description of what everyone is fighting. Oh…I thought they poured through the opening to run away. I will mention here that this story has a huge learning curve. The new words, combined with the fancy armor-three different kinds-and the way that each one fights is a lot to take in. I’m still a little confused about what an exim is and that may be affecting my ability to ‘see’ the scene. You describe the action well, and it feels epic and exciting. I think you could really rock this prologue if you lower the abstraction a bit in one or two of these areas. More named weapons that I am not familiar with. An armoured traitor she thought she recognised from the Third Company attacked her with his Custodian. Strange visual. Wait. Where is Cronus? Growing firmer doesn’t sound right. I’d change it to: ‘his voice firm’ or ‘he said firmly’. Feels a little cliché. How does Atena know where she where Cronus went? This is a POV error? Stretching POV here again. Second Pass Period on inside. I think it shoudl be 'brightly'. bleary-eyed. I don't think you need this comma. Except for the Seeker captains... all-too-familiar killed feels like the better word here. profound?

Wow. Thank you rdpulfer, Kaisa, Hobbit, and Ernei for reading my chapter, and for sharing your feedback. You made good points, and raised some thoughtful questions. I think I will replace the sound effects with something along these lines: Old he would have to promote someone… Thunk. What the hells? Landon lowered his glass to the shelf and stilled his breathing to listen. NEW he would have to promote someone. Something thunked against the wall and Landan stopped midstep. He stilled his breathing and listened while he lowered his glass to a shelf. Silence. Dimissing whatever it was to the wind or some animal, Landon gulped his drink and heard two more knocks. What the hells? I need more female characters in my story. I have a handful, but of the ten characters with arcs, and only two of them are female. They become integral characters at the mid point onward, but I think I need more in first third of my book. As for 'fridged off a bridge', I will re-evaluate that score when the first draft is complete. The tone of the book is Abercrombie meets Sanderson, at least that is what I would like it to be. In case you want ot know: Raist is pronounced 'Raced'. Is that the way it sounded to you? I'm glad the 'bad guys' came across of louts. A good portion of them were street-tough only days ago s and the rest are former soldiers. I came up wiht the name Crestfall when I crested a peak and got a great overhead view of a waterfall dropping into a ravine. It may be used by someone else though. I'm not sure. The girl lives. Raist leaves the girl somewhere safe and lies to Raynauld. I had to cut and paste sections from the story and they appear in this section out of sequence with how they appear in the story. In my version, you knowthe girl is safe by the time Raynauld and Raist speak. A question about splices. The splices that I see are in dialogue and I need more feeback about them. I have my computer read out the chapters to me so I can hear my characters speak. I conciously add commas into the dialogue until it sounds the way I want it to. Right now I'm a little stumped. In my last writing group, we would never tough grammer when it came to the flow of dialogue. We'd note if soemeone forgot a comma at the end of a phrase and before the quotation mark and I'm worried I may be blind to the issue. I'd really apprecaite hearing more of your thoughts concerning this topic. Once again, thank you all so much for reading my chapter this week. Your thoughts and ideas were to the point and helpful. I'd be fortunate to have you make comments in any of my future submissions. Dragons to all of you, Matt

Thank you, rdpulfer. I'm glad you liked the action sequences. It is great fun to hear from a reader.

Thanks rdpulfer. I inlcluded this in the e-mail. I'm not sure if it got sent or if you had a chacne to see it: This is a combination of scenes that I have glued together to give a semblance of cohesion to my story. It occurs around the 850 page mark of my story. What you need to know:A paliadar is similar to a Paladin. There are legends where they had special powers but that is no longer the case. Raynauld just overthrew the a governing Theocracy, and Raist (Lord Crast) is his general. Raist has some of those powers that the ancient Paliadars used to have, but only Raynauld knows it. Their god is known as “The Essence”. If I made any posting errors, please forgive me. You found some splices? I try to hunt those down like vermin. Could you post where you saw a couple? Re Italics as thoughts and side effects. A great point. One I overlooked. I'm not sure how to do it differently though. Suggestions? Thank you for reading my chapter. Does the portion from the e-mail help?

I know people find this strange. Alberta High Schools are intenste and my life was more busy then. In high school I had honours classes, I had soccer pratices five days a week and I fit a part time job working fifteen hours a week in there too. Then in University everything changed. I worked a job where I put in twenty hours over sat/sun every other weekend, but that left me time between classes and every evening do whatever I wanted. Truthfully I spent most of that time with finding cheap buffets, going out with friends and way too many hours staring at the guppies in my fish tank.

Thanks AuthorityHellas16. I've had a busy week, but I'll try to go through Chapter 1 by the weeked.

Hello Reading Excuses. This is my first submission and I'm not sure what to expect. I working to get better, and most of your are better than me. Please tell me what works, and what doesn't. If you have any suggestions for my writing, I'd love to hear them. This chapter is a combination of scenes I glued together so I could offer something cohesive in a 5000 word format. My novel is long, and is told through a dozen points of view. I included three in this sample, and the same three characters are present or mentioned in each point of view. I think this selection will give you a fair shot of where I am, and who some of my characters are. Be honest. Thank you, Matt

Send me your book. My work isn't polished either. It's a draft.

I broke page 900 of my book two days ago. I had no idea what I was doing for the first 300 pages. It's passive, chunky and full of excessive filtering. I will write the first 1/3 over. What I would like to do is to submite a single scene without a bunch of backstory just to see how it reads. Could the week following the 26th?

Hi. I'm reading a few novels this month and am closed to finished wiht them. Before I start a new one, I thought I put out that I am interested in becoming part of this. If you need a reader let me know. Although not required, I'm hoping someone may read my first novel which I plan to finish in October (it's a a Dewsy), and give a quick rewrite of some of the first chapters. (I wrote them before I knew what passive voice was. Anyhow, if you need a reader, I'm available. I'll need a few weeks tough. Matt

I wish I had been interested in writing when I was in University. I have never had so much free time in all my life as when I was studying. These days, I have to choose between sleep or writing. Looking back, I can only imagine waking up and writing a couple of pages first thing in the morning. Even if they were crap, they would give you a great feeling for for the rest of the day. The effort may also give you time to think about your scene and help you hone it later in the day if you have a few minutes.

Hi AuthorityHellas, Thank you for letting me read your story. You’ve put a lot of work into this. Although I’m jumping into Chapter 2 cold, it’s obvious that you have a clear view of your world and how the technology works. I read that you have submitted these pieces before so I will give you my thoughts and small things that pulled me from your story. Before I start, you should know that this is good. With the caveat, here we go! ‘Didn’t you hear it?’ Atena grunted back. The word grunted pulled me out. I tend to grunt when I have to lift something heavy and not when I reply to someone…unless I’m lifting something heavy. ‘Thanks, sis,’ Atena said, smiling thinly at her sister as she slipped into You repeat the word sister here. It’s just something I’ve got to do, Ellie.’ Eleanor pursed her lips, but nodded, more a gesture of defeat than acceptance. This feels overwritten. She waved a had over her shoulder and a map Because spell check won’t catch it. ‘Let’s hope,’ Atena murmured, half to herself. Crisper if you cut it off at murmured. I think that we an afford to hypothesise about the motivations of a raging sociopath another time Another one invisible to a spell check. ‘They know to let us to their job as long as we let them do theirs. So long as we keep off each other’s toes, everything should be fine.’ They know to let us do our… ‘Maybe they only think that because you make it look so easy,’ Marcus retorted with a saccharine grin. Saccharine didn’t feel like the right word here. Streams of rainbow-coloured snowflakes danced around her, like petals blown by cosmic winds that affected the very passage of time. Double meaning in this sentence. Do the rainbow flakes affect time or does the snow fall like petals that affect time. ‘Good thing we spent all those years mapping out these time currents,’ Marcus replied. ‘Otherwise it could be years before we made it out again.’ This felt too much like ‘maid and butler’. Why would they say this? They know it. I’d try to rework it so you can world build and make the dialogue more believable. The four navigators raised their hands. Above them, the endless black split open like a dehiscing wound. I love discovering new words. And dehiscing is a new one for me. Cool. But is this vocabulary appropriate for your audience? ‘And here I was hoping to at least stay dry, today,’ she groused. I don’t know what groused means in this context. ‘We’ll make it work,’ Marcus reassured her. ‘Let’s get to it.’ Atena and Michael pulled on their full-face helmets, meant to protect against the spores constantly released by Shar’s minions to infect their victims with the mutating disease known as the Rot. I got pulled out of the story here. Is this a point of view error? It reads like you slipped to Omniscient to describe the helmet. If that isn’t it, if still reads oddly. The fiend gurgled something unintelligible through is crusted, fungus-covered head but showed no sign that it felt its intestines dragging along the ground. Atena grimaced and shoved her blade through its crusted head. Through his crusted…. You reuse the word ‘crusted’ within two sentences. Rather than falling, the sammael wrapped its enormous hands around her throat and began to squeeze. Okay. While I was reading the story I realized I didn’t really care about Atena yet. I really wanted to know what she was feeling here. Being choked is a traumatic thing. She doesn’t really have a any reaction to it at all. No fear, no physiological worry. Just an automated response to pull at the hands and then to blast it. You say she is acting in desperation, but as a reader you never made me feel it. Custodians flashed and the Steel Hawks slaughtered every plaguegiver, rotlord and unclean in a thirty yard radius of their landing zone. This is personal preference. But I think it reads more snappy if you chop the sentence at ‘radius’. Barely-suppressed memories clawed for her attention, trying to drag her back to the afternoon that Altaiire had been razed to the ground. Extra space between ‘to’ and ‘the’. This scene is important. We begin to crack her skull and see who she is. I think this needs to come sooner in this chapter. Here she is watching something and that triggers her memory. Fine. But you might need to move the scene where she is choked so that it happens after this one. I want this reaction sooner in the chapter. It builds a connection between Atena and the reader. This is where I began to feel sympathy. ‘Okay,’ Atena muttered, refocussing. The rancour below she no longer seemed as terrifying, the flashes of Forging not as blinding. ‘Now from the north.’ The rancour below no longer….(remove ‘she’) When the nightspawn began to fight back, the Firebirds scattered and reformed like a school of fish, resuming their attack from another direction. The Steel Hawks flashed over the battlefield on another attack run, further confusing and disorienting the nightspawn. Unneeded repetition of the word ‘attack’. the Steel Hawks and remainder of the First Company emerged from the gloom and threw themselves at the surviving nightspawn. Missing the word ‘the’ before remainder. She clenched her teeth and screwed her eyes shut, thankful that the alcohol still dulled the sounds. This alcohol is either a quick acting version, or her metabolism is ultra quick or she was drinking before she launched. Like a broken down dam, the nightspawn’s rigid formation quickly broke down and the battle devolved into a thousand small battles. Watch the word choice. Summary This is a good chapter. You use your voice well and your narrative is effective. Except for the maid and butler part, the dialogue was good and I never had trouble identifying who was speaking. The flashbacks worked, but I think you need to get to it sooner. The ending was fun and made me want to read the next chapter. If you want to develop Atena’s character you should create sympathy for her sooner. You mentioned that in an earlier draft she came across as too powerful. She comes across as competent, but she also messes the exit point and hesitates on the field a bit. I don’t think she came across as over competent, although you made it clear that when she is in her right mind, she is an effective commander. I hope this helps. Good luck. If you don’t’ mind: Let me know what parts of this critique you found helpful and what parts weren’t. I’m trying to become a more effective, and more skilled at offering feedback and I’d appreciate your thoughts. All the best, Matt

First read impressions: This was a fun introduction to your story. You hop into the action straight off. You have a steep learning curve. Your initial chapter is filled with wondrous battles using strange powers. Your magic uses conventional things in unusual ways. I think steep learning curves are fine. They help establish what you are going to offer and they can also intimidate some readers. Just be aware of it. I could visualize your fight scene. Your language was descriptive without becoming over detailed. At times though your word choice seemed off: “Air trembled and ground shook.” I don’t think air trembles. I’d reconsider the word. Your magic is a bit of a mystery right now, and I’m curious about how it works. Besides the physical exertion, I’m not sure if I can see any tangible costs to its use. I know it’s early in the story, and you don’t have to establish that yet, but it might help to plant a seed. J Ellis comes across as competent, likeable and active. It was fun to read, but that combination has me wondering if this is going to be a story about how awesome he is. My gut tells me no, so I might make him a little less capable in chapter 1, or a little less likeable in chapter 2. You make an effort to describe your setting, and the creatures well. I think you could probably have cut out one of the smaller monsters and attacked the huge creature a little quicker without losing anything as far as establishing your magic or characters though. What do Ellis and his sister look like? You take some time to describe their robes, and how long they got them but I don’t really know what they look like. How old are they? Are they strong, tall, short or fat? You mention that Sofia’s thorn lance grew to the size of a cottage. That is big. Does her magic give her strength? I read the final scene with the fat snake over a few times. I didn't get that Sofia was closer to him than the snake was. I think you should read it over and see if it works for you. It may be that I'm just overtired. A few lines I noticed: Ellis heard incoming footsteps and swooshing fabrics, so he looked over to see a lady sitting next to him. I think you should replace ‘so’ with ‘and’. A white wolf slipped past the vanguard and leapt at Ellis. leaped The lance continued on until it dug onto the ground, allowing Sofia to vault overhead and land inside a cluster of glossy figurines. Into the ground Ellis summoned a handful of seeds and threw them at the eel. As the seeds struck, they burst into a clump of roots and sprouts, dragging the eel down till it crashed and vaporized. I’d refer to the ell differently the second time. Strong heat washed over the atmosphere. Swathes of misty wisps—the remnants of broken dreams—were drawn into a single creature. One of the children dreamt something strong enough to feast. Repetition of the word ‘strong’. The tips of its parts grinded together, resulting in metallic screeches that resounded from its twisted body. Grinded should be ‘ground’. They panted and watched their quarry aerify into a huge wisp, then grinned at each other. ‘An enormous wasp’ sounds better. Sofia fared better, but the crowd of children currently gathered around her weren't there because of how she did during the midmorning awakening. You should change weren’t to wasn’t. When the snacks were taken out of the pitcher, they were covered by crunchy crystals. Taken isn’t the best word choice. Ellis smiled. "Oh, you know, keeping busy so that I'm not too worried about dying. It's very nice and relaxing." The lady smiled back. "Sounds like the usual thing for soldiers," she said. "My name is Rima, nice to meet you." Repetition of the word ‘nice’. I hope you find this feedback helpful. I’m new to this and would appreciate your feedback. Would you tell me what parts of this critique did you find useful and which parts you could do without? Thank you kindly, Matt

Thanks to both of you. Likewise.

Thanks Robiniski, I made a post seeking a writing group in a few other ares of the forum, and I was directed to try here. After making my request, I read through your group. I'm interested, and made my request to Silk last night. Looking forward to working with you, Matt

Thank you. I will post there.

One of the areas I struggle with is filtering. When I started writing, my dtory read like this: Brandon felt a cold breeze drift across his brow. Howard could see a dozen monkeys banging twleve symbols around a Christmas story lamp. Jordo heard Dan cry when the demon stole his latest writing contract. Then I went rou the James Dashner seemed to become upset when Mary's puppet pushed him into the pit Recently, when I read over my work, I discovered he looked/turned problem: "Don't touch my pie!" Howard cried. Brandon turned to give Howard a sour look, "Your pie? I took it from Dan's kitchen first." Mary glanced at Dan, and noticed his ears twitch at his desk where he'd buried his face into him arms. She turned to look at the pie, and shook her fist and yelled, "Cursed Lemon Meringue! I will end your spell of madness!" Dan lifted his head, and turned slowly before giving them all a wicked grin. He nodded at the pie with his chin and said, "That isn't lemon!" My scenes are filled with these words. My suggestion would be to take common errors they've noticed, and show how to improve the writer's voice.