kais

Ah yes, no rest for the weary! First book of a new series is about half drafted right now, and I think a few eyes on chapter one would be useful at this point. I've already been subjecting @Mandamon to it and he hasn't torn his hair out yet. Also, @Silk I'm happy to bow out for next week if needed. I think we might have newbies lurking, yes?

Minutia of publishing - I'm now Amazon official (still e-book only). I did a few canned interview questions for blogs, and got a chance to share deleted scenes! Yay! Nick shall have his time in the light after all!

In line for the 13th of February. Might start subbing new book!

I read an excerpt from The Universe as Vast as Our Longings. Wow. Love. Buying now. Thank you for the rec! ETA: wait, not a book? Was that excerpt it? *sad panda*

Welcome back in! Overall Better. Still clunky in places, and motivation seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle. Character choices also a little flimsy. Writing wise it's loads better. You improve exponentially with every submission! As I go - page one: are the tall lit up building actually climbing? Confusing wording here - Hah! Your comma use is getting better! Not perfect yet, but so much improvement! - that last paragraph of page one is confusing to me. A lot of world building dump that seems really important. I'd like more time spent on it because right now I'm left confused - page three: so are we in a third person omniscient here? Otherwise, POV fail - page four: I see we're keeping the 'arms under the breasts' line? o_O - Lillian seems pretty straightforward as the twin foil for Stephain. Moreso now I question Stephain and his rather righteous speeches in the first part of the submission. I have a hard time believing he would be so incredibly opposite about human use from the rest of this family. It doesn't seem realistic, and breaks me from the narrative. I'd expect him to have at least some biases, just by the nature of his upbringing. - page six: the relevance of the departure of Stephain seems to be buried in this draft. I don't see clear purpose for him now - page nine: out on his own, meeting humans, showing them the error of their ways... woah. First, I think this purpose statement needs to be way earlier in the chapter. Second, there's that bias I was suspecting was there! It needs to be brought out more, earlier. Right now its contrary to how you have his character set up - page ten: with Lillian's new personality, I don't know why she would want to go with Stephain at all. Seems like author convenience - the ending confuses me on blocking. Landin betrayed them and then gets his throat cut?

Ah yes, Moth. I hope she is amazing as I remember. Overall I like Moth's character development, and of course I love her as a foul-mouthed fourteen year old. The chapter itself went a hair slow for me, after talking to the aunt and the walk to see La Madre. Both beats, the first and last, were excellent. It was the transition middle that lagged. Why is she placed in the convent? I'd like some explanation there. As @Mandamon says, it seems outdated for this time. If her aunt is there, perhaps its a simple family relations thing? I enjoyed the read, as always! As I go - The starting sentence is weak. I've read a number of agent blog posts where they caution against starting a chapter and character introduction with boredom. Apparently its overdone and hard to connect with. - Moth sat back again and mopped her brow again <-- redundancy here - page four: gagging... it's great imagery just... ick - page 7: there has to be an easier way to be a gangster? The outlined plan seems pretty easy already. - page 12: I think the 'him' being 'god' twist would work better if you didn't capitalize 'him'. I realize that is proper, but it sort of spoils the end a bit

Finished The Paper Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg This was... meh. I felt like it was trying to be The Night Circus but the writer just didn't have the chops for it. There was nothing wrong with it, writing wise, but it felt, I don't know, too simplistic for what it was trying to convey? I think there were a lot of missed opportunities to draw the reader in, and it simultaneously felt too long and too short. The romance also felt really forced. Really really forced. That's usually a big turn off for me in a book, and it was to the point in this one that I would not willingly read this author again. Note to self - bad romance turns off readers.

Would also like a spot on Monday, pending space.

Minutia of publishing, part #572- ARCs are out. My publisher does a lot of blog tour stuff (digital first publisher, which makes sense) so I have pages and pages of 'about me' and interview questions to answer tonight. Exciting, but daunting! Tune in next time, when I (probably) discuss getting reviews!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The ebook is up for preorder (print preorder comes later). EEEEEEEE!

I'm going to advise against the prologue. Agents just don't like them, and many won't even let you sub them anymore. If the characters aren't important until the second half of the book, they shouldn't be introduced yet. To hook readers, you need strong buy in for characters. You have to give us something, some hook, motivation, something, or we can't connect. And if you change characters in the next chapter, that'll get you kicked out of the slush pile, too. You have to let the reader get invested, totally, in a character, before you swap them out. I got this feedback ad nausem from agents when I was subbing. It's just 'how its done' right now, in fiction. If you're writing for pleasure, that's a different story! Rudimentary they may be, but your description doesn't have to be. Use that authorial voice and make them beautiful for the reader. This doesn't have to slow down anything. It's not even about adding sentences. It's just using different words, more descriptors, etc. You could skip the tunnel, but that is a key area for character development that is, right now, very under used. Some hint at their personalities and inner motivations, really. I need basic descriptors (hair is usually a good one, clothes), but inner motivations can help form a physical description, too. Honestly, if I picked this up at a bookstore, I would have stopped here, put the book back, and moved on. Because it shows up right when its needed. We don't know anything about these characters. So if you introduce vital information only when it is vital, it feels author contrived. The general rule as I understand it is you have to introduce something at least twice for it to be 'real'. We got one mention earlier, nonspecific, and made his magic seem minimal at best. If he has the power to really affect things, A) he probably shouldn't be a servant, much less subservient and B.) we should have heard about it almost at the start, and then repeatedly afterwards. Let me know if you have more questions!

Dislike. If it grows in water, just call it a 'sea olive'. That's pretty standard naming convention. Otherwise it sounds contrived. Also, I really like the sound of sea olive, and looking above, it would appear I was not the first person to think of that, so there you go!

LOL! I'm a kind and gentle soul, I swear!

I like to keep an air of mystique about myself.

I can't even remember why I would have pinged that. Was I arguing about whiskey? Or was it your busty pious barmaid?

Yes this! ^^ The best and most useful crits, for me, are ones that provide impressions AND prescriptive comments. I can't read the critiquer's mind and sometimes the idea given is just golden. And if it isn't, so what? We take what we can from a crit anyway, and we all have different skills. Like, if @Robinski or @aeromancer just wrote 'your physics seems off' I'd be like, uh, okay. I don't physics so... But when they give real examples of how to fix it, I have this, this thread I can start to unravel to actually make more story better, instead of floundering like fish on land.

Welcome back! I had to stick this into a word document so I could do page numbers and such. So if you're trying to follow along, I copy/pasted, double spaced it, and stuck it in Calibri font. Overall I'm left with a vagueness after reading. I don't really have a feel for the characters, the stakes, or the motivations. My summary would be: two men, one a master, one a servant, take a long walk to a tomb and screw around with ancient curses. Bad things happen. That's... kind of expected. I think you could cut this down at least half in length and have a more tension-driven story, but I also think you need to give more information on the characters and their motivations. I literally have no idea why they are doing what they are doing, especially the servant who clearly does not want to be there, but doesn't flee. Looking forward to seeing revisions! As I go - That first paragraph is clunky. Might consider breaking it up and spending a bit more time on each of the component parts - Not for the first time, he checked over his shoulder and considered summoning his magic to pierce the darkness He knew he should, but the effort always left him soul weary and tired. Huh? This needs clarifying - page four: I still don't know what the purpose of this chapter is. Why are they breaking things and going through tunnels? - page five: so they're... tomb hunting? I'm confused - page seven: all these glyphs and I want them better laid out. the whole discussion of the tunnel and the findings needs more description. It sounds so exciting but I'm not getting any visuals really, and I really want them - page nine: the narrative starts to drag here. The mystery is gone and I just want something to happen - that slab popping open could have a lot more effect if it wasn't just explained as someone found a lever. Let it have some mystery - page twelve: so at this point I have no feel for either character. Setting is getting better, but these two characters: what do they look like? Why are they doing this? Who are they? - page fourteen: so they found what they were looking for, this 'Gem of Worlds', which was never mentioned before. So, good? We can all go home? - page seventeen and we find out the servant has magic? Feels convenient. Also I think this whole scene is taking a mite too long. Suggest cutting way down, maybe in half or so - page 20: if the servant is so afraid, why not just turn and leave? What binds him to his master?

I don't know if you've edited this since I last read it, so going in anyway. Post read: so I basically did a cleaning pass this time. Some little things. Getting a lot stronger each time! As I go - page one: I think I stumble a bit in this first bit because I need more description of the room. At least another few sentences of all the boxes, to really get a feel for Sam's collections - on page two, the paragraph that starts with 'Sam navigated' is pretty clunky still - His aunt never told him his questions were stupid, just noted the obvious. This line could be deleted. Telling. - page five: I don't know if you've edited since I read or not, but the aunt doesn't seem as 'mystical' in this one. So either I made it up the first time or you edited it, but I miss it. - At the same time, now her feebleness makes more sense, but there was a certain hook to her being kind of magical, too - “Y-you will l-live.” She made a small sound he had never heard from her. Suggest deleting this. It would stand better with just the no excuses part - the interactions with Kirian are a lot more natural now - page seventeen: ah, I think this is revised. The friend to help cope reads better

I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED I CAN'T EVEN! Ahem Overall Looking good so far! I'd be hooked as of the second chapter. The first chapter would still be a bit rough for me to get through in the first few pages, as noted below. Something really needs to happen at the end of the second chapter, because it does seem to wander post drop. I don't DISLIKE the wander, mind, but I'd like to see a stronger hook ending. Reading your response above, I'll caution you that some of the most consistent feedback I got from agents was to not introduce characters in consecutive chapters. They don't like that in new writers. You're 'supposed' to stick with one for a few chapters, get the reader invested, then swap out for the next one so you don't lose the reader. I got this feedback time and again with AFD, so just passing it along in case subbing was a plan later on. As I go - page one: Obama got a street on the moon. Nice. - cold open sentence is reasonably hookish. Not super strong, but not weak, either - first two pages are a little hard to ground. I remember this from the first read through, too. I don't know what to suggest, except perhaps more surround description? I feel really lost until page three, and that might not bode well for subbing to agents - page three: never been a big fan of 'mankind', but since it's dialogue I will hold judgement to see if it is in character for the speaker - The android turned its smooth, plastic head towards the office’s panoramic window, 50% opaque for privacy, where the people of Lunaville went about their business beneath their dome against a background of brightly-lit, grey lunar rock and a black sky. This should be two sentences. Awkward - page four: ah, the testicles. Still amused. Also note that it's taken me until page four to really get a handle on the two people talking. They blended too much before - page five: solid end line! - LOL binary chapter numbers! - page six: I'm just going to tell you right now that I REALLY hope Quirk's bisexual dandy vibe is still around. I loved that so much - just a lot of balls talk in this manuscript so far and its freaking hilarious - last paragraph, page six: so... hrm. He caught this man's eye AS he was scratching, or after? I feel like this could be A Moment, but if the dude is just watching him scratch his crotch, its sort of lost. Are they commiserating on their junk not having enough space, or are they actually doing glances? I NEED THIS DEFINED. - first paragraph of page seven. YES THIS FOREVER. - page eight: of even in his wide experience of deceit and detection This might be a bit too telly - the descriptions on page nine and ten are just delightful and I really feel like I am there - page eleven: strange to have someone seat you at McDonalds, but I like how it works with this narrative (and for all I know, they DO seat you at Italian McDs) - eeeeeee the banter with the lady!!!! - ah, boo on the end line thought. Needs more punch. The whole lady in cafe interlude is just splendid though

I'm not actually sure why people don't like/give prescriptive advice. It's not like we as writers can't chose to discard it or ignore it. I'm of the opinion that any feedback is good feedback. If someone took the time to read my stuff and make comments, they're lovely for it. Overall Clara has moved from creeper to 'probably going to be ax murdered next chapter'. It works for her character, to a point, but I note below when I can no longer suspend disbelief. You find your flow about halfway through, but early on the paragraph transitions are choppy and need a bit of tightening. Its much improved since the last one, and I enjoyed reading it! As I go - page one: damnation it, now I want a cookie - I'm noticing a lot of sentence fragments in these early paragraphs. Suggest cleaning. One every page or so isn't a big deal, but they're a little too frequent and are throwing me out of the flow - James needs to be punched in the face. Immediately. Douchery aside, wet boots on the hardwood is unforgivable - the 'why did I forget my umbrella' line is unneeded and hurts flow - page two: dude in a coffee shop whose name is dragon, and he goes to yoga... - page three: their convo is a lot better now, and a lot less 'clara pushing and dragon clearly shutting her down' - last few paragraphs of page four need dialogue tags - page six: she really is trying to hook a guy by consistently talking about her partner? Isn't that sending mixed signals? Like, if a woman was trying to pick me up and kept talking about her partner, we'd get like four lines in and I'd say something like "I don't do couples." - page seven: and here he is being perfectly reasonable and its like Clara is trying to talk him into an affair - page ten: wow, she recovers from him probably being a serial killer pretty fast. Whiplash - page eleven: her creeper vibe should be screaming right now, yet she is calm. Can't suspend disbelief anymore - I do like the ending

I'd like to sub on the 30th, but if anyone else wants to jump in I'll bow out for the week.

So cool, @Hobbit!! And good on you for going to the march!

I do love the first Thrawn trilogy. Some fifteen years later, when the series finally offed Mara Jade, I was a ball of fiery rage.

I agree with this completely! I didn't see him redeemed at all in the movie. The expanded universe books definitely he was, but he was still very smuggler opportunist in the movies.

Mace Windu wasn't in-universe when the original trilogy was written, which is what we are discussing (although I'm happy to have a conversation about PoC representation across the entire series). I'm also not discussing the in-world races. My specific concern isn't even representation in media here, since the franchise is making good steps towards rectifying their very white, very male protagonists. Star Wars universe may be 'colorblind' (haha), but we consumers are not. Therefore my specific complaint is with the podcast not even mentioning the problems with Lando's death. Plenty of talk about the Falcon, and about how Han wouldn't have died (because we are all very concerned about Han), but not even a passing mention as to what it would mean if Lando died. I don't care what the in-universe rules are about skin color. I do care how the one black person and the one female person are treated and portrayed, because I have no other options. There is a real conversation to be had here, about minority representation in media, and it was completely absent in favor of the iconic nature of the Falcon and that thank goodness Han didn't die.