kais

Overall The first half dragged for me with the small talk. I became much more engaged when they got to the point, and I enjoyed the end bit with Thalan as well. I don't get a strong feeling for Savae in this chapter, and I think the tension suffers because of that. They come off as somewhat bland here, and that might be because they seem to be somewhat guarded. Maybe a bit more intimacy of thought would help? As I go - better quality and cheaper than buying from an aelin jeweler - I'm missing the dig here. Maybe one more line to help make it clear? - page three: that 'small talk' goes on for quite a while. It was hard to stay focused, but that may be because any time politics starts happening in narratives my mind wanders - the conversation with Aserahin moves along at a nice clip. I enjoyed that part - Am I supposed to know what this 'Sleeper' business is about? - Did we get an explanation on the Thalan/Kathalania gender fluidness before? I know there was another chapter a while back but I'm trying to remember - is this person physically changing form with gender (taller, different hair, etc), or are we working with straight up gender fluidity? - strong end to the chapter

I'm baaa-aack. Overall Getting much smoother, but I continue to have problems with Origon and connecting with him. His sections always feel more choppy, even the way the paragraphs are constructed. So for your questions, I'm still not connecting with him. The council meeting is still a blur of characters (although it has more tension in it now than the last time I read it for sure!). Rilan is better, but I think bringing in some of her personality from book one would help, too. As I go - I still find the epigraph vague. It really doesn't tell me anything about the Aridori or their war - that first paragraph - having now read Tuning the Symphony, Origon's thought about Rilan complaining almost as much rings really false without some emotion behind it. Did they break it off under unfriendly terms? That's how this comes through. Sort of jilted-lover-esque - How long would the Council be in session today? I think this needs more lead-up to it. He's impatient because he wants to get to a council meeting, yes? And Sam is being slow? If so you could probably use a whole extra paragraph to help beef that up. It would be especially helpful in terms of setting the stage for the council meeting and its importance. - Sam's response at the bottom of page one seems... not very excited. Is this the first time he's really 'seen' magic? Should he be more impressed? - page three: You could probably start the chapter around here. I don't get much from the first three pages, other than some how magic works, which could be worked into somewhere else. The chapter has a slow start. - He could always find the chip in the Sureri’s ear, a ... I had to read this section three times to get that you were talking about a carving of a Sureri. - Mandamon Feldo - did I forget you were in this book? - page eight: the meeting is dragging here. I think maybe too many introductions and not enough tension in the talking - Her place was on the Council, not gallivanting across the ten homeworlds. I sure hope this is covered in Merchants and Maji, because last I heard, those two were a handspan from making little Rilan-Origon halflings together - I get the one apprentice that will have nothing to do with my entire field of expertise. They co... I think this would be a good place to bring up the whole 'Rilan can't actually do healing' thing. That was always an interesting trait of hers, and it would drive the silliness of the apprentice/master pairing here, too

TWD is dark adult fantasy, and also likely the result of being forced to watch too much Disney recently, thanks to my two year old daughter. This is draft zero. I’m sorry for that. Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. This is also my first experiment with first person, so be warned there. Also be warned that I am delving much deeper into #ownvoices land with the protag than I usually do. AB = awkward boobage

In for the third as well, pending space and newbies.

Oh, there is every chance. Wait for it... You are so right. Argh. It is, but I like scab better! Err, will go back and fix this. Wait, no, it's there. The first time S reacts quite a bit. The second time no, because S knows it isn't the mother. Fair enough. It's a good spot to plot seed, anyway. OMG THAT IS THE NEW TITLE! Hands down, best title ever. I'll just change it to 'nearby' and that should fix things. I'm trying to, in places. Scenery setups should get longer as you progress through, as I become more comfortable writing them. I'll go back and edit more into this space in draft one. Have to finish this draft first! Aww, yay! These two have a rocky road ahead, so its good that there is a solid framework for their relationship. I'm so glad you liked the chapter! Thank you for the comments!

I like that S goes straight to bones. I think it makes it creepy, and thereby also makes S a little creepy. Scientists are always just a shade weird, and not the weird you might have over to dinner because they're interesting. If it comes off strange, then I think it is working! LOL. Some of us enjoy romance in our stories. Good point, and an excellent opportunity to make it even more creepy! I agree. Debilitatingly long. Hence, the inability to stand. Agreed. I trimmed it. Edited for clarity She's slowly adding information. She was withholding before. I'll try to make that clearer. Yeah, this one might be over the top. Because S is carrying a foraging knife. I've clarified. I'm back and forth on this. I need every instance possible to differentiate S from the alchemy most readers think of, and this is a prime opportunity. Aheh... fixing... The trouble I'm running into is that the chapter is already insanely long. I'm not sure if extending this scene would help anything. Only an editor can really know, but I like it. It helps set a tone for S and M and allows me to jump right to action on the trail, instead of having them banter for a bit to catch up on things. Quite rightly so. Draft zero issues, I suspect. I hope to clean it up a lot on the next pass, but I need to get the thing finished first. Thank you for the comments, as always!

It's also the last, I promise. I just really enjoy it. I may eventually have an editor who cuts it. Who knows? Trying, anyway. This'll need massive clean up in the next round of edits (if I ever finish draft zero), but I'm aiming for someone whose confidence really only comes out with the craft. There has to be a reason S hasn't left home until now, and lack of confidence that stems from several sources seems reasonable. At least for right now. I have however, decided to lower S's age to twenty, so maybe things will ring truer now in terms of ability. I wasn't going to get too in-depth with them, but your question got me thinking last night. I put in a bit into another chapter, for funsies. I think the guild wars will be more book two than this one, so I wasn't going to hit them hard, but a little foreshadowing is always fun! That didn't answer your question at all, did it? I was thinking of the stealing of apprentices before they're tattooed and duels for the masters where appendages were lost (because most can't do their trade with hands). I was going to try to ease magic in slowly, because S has no knowledge of it. How do you feel about that? As something else to mull, I have no intention of defining any magic system in these books, because none of my characters will use it (or understand it), outside of understanding the magic inherent in most of alchemy. Thank you for reading and for the comments!!

Overall Better and better each time! As an aside, Tuning the Symphony is right here next to me, waiting to be read tonight! As I go - page three, this line confuses me: Sure. Mentally changing notes of a ghostly Symphony is a science. Keep thinking that. - page four: This is what, the fourth time I've read the star map scene? I still love it to death. It's so easy to picture in my mind. If anything, I'd encourage more detail, because I want to live in this world right here. It is visually engaging more than any other scene I have encountered in this book - page six: so this just occurred to me but... wouldn't a key characteristic be the yellow sun? Surely some of the other systems have different suns? Or more than one? - I think I'd like the decision to become a majus strung out just a little longer. It still seems a little rushed

FIRST! HAHAHAHA! Overall Enjoyable. Some issues still with Quirk's character, although Moth seemed more spot on. I enjoyed the imagery and the contract. I will say though, that I have no idea what Quirk does. It isn't sticking with me. I think I might need it blatantly laid out. I don't need to necessarily care about it, since I'm here to see Quirk and Moth interact, but some grasp of the larger plot would be nice. As I go - Amazon, eh? You're speaking my ecosystem - the first four pages have delightful imagery and I think you captured the predatory nature of the Amazon perfectly - the second to last sentence on page 99 does't work for me. Seems out of place and tone, and throws me from the narrative - page 103, where Quirk wonders about Moth's patience, also seems suddenly out of place. - end of 105: I feel let down by not knowing more about the contract. I feel like we were built up to it (the rest just being majestic views and travel), and then we got a fade away. - I keep reading 'boffins' as 'bothans', and then I wonder just how many bothans died to bring us this manuscript? - “Do you mean gin-and-tonic stimulating, or maybe flight-attendant-in-the-washroom stimulating? So far, I'm not seeing it.” AHA THIS! THIS is what I expect with their interactions! Perfection. - final page, final paragraph. I think this line could use tweaking. I know what you are going for, but again, this line lacks the finesse I associate with Quirk. Suggest something like: I always try to bring a young companion along. Nothing so stimulating as first-degree murder by reason of insanity. The endless ducking questions are merely a bonus.

It's a long one. Sorry! I wasn't sure where to break it. Any and all thoughts appreciated as we move into the meat of the story.

The only reason I still cling to the title is that I think it makes the planned title of the next book so much more powerful. A shucking of absolutely everything. I don't know if I would get that same punch if book one was called something like Birthright. Although mulling that title, it might actually grow on me.

Thank you for the feedback! Would it work better if I said 'My mistake' instead of 'my hand'?

Yay for new subs! And sorry again for the e-mail. It was so late in the week I just assumed you were subbing early (I blame the sickness that will not give up in my house). Overall I'm always excited to see someone new submitting! Unfortunately, your first short didn't grab me at all, for the same reasons @Robinski stated. The second one was better, and had a very clear narrative arc, but I think the entire second page could be cut and actually make the piece stronger. I also agree that I was expecting escalating language, which would have added nice flavor. Sub again soon! As I go - that first line has redundancy on 'back' - first paragraph: I think it has too much minute description for being the first paragraph. You really want to grab people in a cold open, not bog them down with details - end of page one (and the first story): I'm.... not sure what the arc was? It was a short match, but I didn't see any character building or plot to it. Unsure what you were trying to accomplish here. @Robinski has already highlighted what I would have written about for this short, so I'll just say I agree with him, and move to the next. - He as soon - is there a 'knew' missing? Maybe? The sentence still doesn't work even with that insertion. Not sure what you were trying to say here. - Those first three lines of dialogue seem very stock and forced. I don't believe them, and they take me from the narrative. How old are these kids? I'd expect at least some grade school coarse language, like 'turd' or something - I actually thought the story would end on that first page, with an interesting line. I was engaged. Then it kept going onto the next page and you told us what you had already shown. I became bored. - unsure how I feel about the ending. It seems to fall flat and just drag out the piece.

I haven't poked about much in this thread, so excuse me for barging in. I'm considering entering a shorts contest (max 300 words, theme: 'Renewal', and specific to queer work. Must be speculative fiction based). I've never written any type of short, and certainly nothing this short. I'd love some thoughts on this... whatever it is. Attempt? It's a lot like TWD, because that is where my headspace is right now. I think I like it? I don't know. Three hundred words isn't a lot to work with.

What a treasure trove! I say go for it!

I agree. That's why I'm waffling on the title. On the one hand, I love it, because it sets the stage for S and how everyone perceives this person in this book. On the other hand, I'm just setting S up for female pronouns, but then again, that's sort of the point so... ARGH!

In for the 27th as well!

Who has two thumbs and is getting reviews? This person!

Overall I agree with @Wisps of Aether in that there is a lot told, instead of shown. If you pulled out those elements and expanded this story, it would make for a very interesting novella. I see that @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon also hit on the Destiny name. As always, your fight scenes are well blocked and straightforward. The very heavy exposition dialogue and similar elements could be cleaned, but there is certainly an interesting story here. As I go - if you start with a cold open with the word beautiful, you'll want to back that up with imagery - That was what the driver had missed. Huh? Is this part of the 'beauty' thing? I'm still trying to find what she finds so beautiful about a city that has been described generically - page three: Corromast, eh? We are in world. Check. - page six: 'Riddle me this' throws me out of the narrative, and into a Batman movie with Jim Carey - Not a fan of 'Destinare' as a name - there has been a fair amount of telling instead of showing, but I think it really hits around page ten. I would like more shown in the blue light business of Destiny personified, here, and more of his mental workings, since we are in third omniscient - by page fourteen, I am lost. Why did Destiny kill himself? To get away? I know we've chatted about this before, this killing-that-isn't-really-killing thing, and here too, it takes away the impact of deep wounds, because it has no effects that last - page fifteen: “To perform an action with no consequence,” you might actually be able to work more with this idea. I like it better as a thread than the sort of absolute power corrupts absolutely thing I think you're going for

Hooray for first subs! Welcome welcome! Overall I'm unsure. The beginning was great, and I filled up and got hooked on a sense of wonder. It unraveled with the dialogue, first with the other astronaut, and then with the sister. I didn't get a lot of emotion out of our protag, and the way their conversation goes doesn't feel like it wraps up well at the end. I'm unsure as well, about the knife in the eye thing (did he try to kill himself?), and if you're trying to tie that to the sister also doing self harm? I have a lot of loose end questions, basically, and I'm not sure your beginning, while enchanting, is the right one for this story. It sets up reader promises that aren't really met in the rest of the story. But good on you for subbing! The name of the game is revisions, so I look forward to seeing your next sub! I think this was where I hung up, too, in terms of keeping promises to readers. All the glory of space travel and coming back, and the interaction has none of that in it. I was disappointed. As I go - The Battlestar Galactica vibe is strong here, early on - page one: might be autocorrect, but tags don't have to be capitalized after a question mark. - page two has some pretty heavy maid and butler dialogue. It makes me not want to read it. - page one started with an aura of real wonder, and I was drawn in. The dialogue ending on page two is pulling that back, for me. - page four: the relationship between these two people is a little confusing to me. They talk about being friends, sort of, but I don't see that really shown anywhere. So the talk, especially on page four, rings a bit false - page four: she's grown taller? Was she also 17 when our protag left? If so, very few women grow taller at this age. Most have their last growth spurt at 14-15. Edited - she is the little sister. Ah. - The sister says "I'm glad you're back", but I don't really feel that from her. Her dialogue from the start, and the fact that she forgot when her brother would return, sell me more on some intense sibling rivalry that hasn't faded. You'll need to ease more affection in, I think, if you want the reader to buy that the sister is happy to see the brother again - page six: she's crying now? Not sold on this emotional display, especially since our protag doesn't seem to be emoting along the same lines - page seven: I feel like a robot. Interesting, because his emotions come off the same way - Not sold so much on the ending

Same here. I also don't get stuck as much, because I get pretty regular light shining on the gaping plot holes. And of course, every CP brings something different to the table. @industrialistDragon is a slayer of all things trope, and smacks my plot around until it resembles something worth reading. Also, her polishing LBLs are killer. I'd never have gotten picked up to publish without her cleaning help on AFD.

We do LBLs / broad crits, depending on the quality of material swapped on any given week. For instance, this week we both just had rougher stuff, so comments were LBL, but broader stroke. Some weeks we have nearly ready to sub here stuff, so we pick it over more. A good, reliable CP is worth their weight in gold!

I'd be on board with this. A description skillfully done, perhaps in appropriate POV for Quirk in which he, say, scans for features he finds attractive (breasts, package, whatever), finds said area missing or artfully concealed, and quickly understands and speaks accordingly. Ex: Quirk admired the sculpted eyebrows, the high cheekbones blushed just so, the burgundy lips. There was no chest to speak of, but hips pushed at a sleek skirt of silk. Always so delightful, the counter clerks, and this one particularly so. Quirk approached hir with a tilt to his chin...

Honestly, the crit work here is what keeps me motivated! It forces me to open my computer every day and look at new ideas, and that, for me, is gold. I set goals for myself. For instance, @industrialistDragon is going through ATD and doing serious LBLs right now, but I'm forcing myself to finish draft zero of TWD before I head into them. I'm doing this because I know I will get caught back up into the previous world, and will lose momentum in TWD. So maybe goals? Self-imposed deadlines? Also, having a CP is a MAJOR help. @Mandamon and I swap up to 10K weekly. It can be a demanding pace, but it keeps me writing and active, knowing that I want to have something to show him each Friday. Maybe a CP would help?

Overall Enjoyable! I wasn't as engaged with the scene at the beginning, but I think that is a combination of WRS (and there having been a several week gap) and the type of scene it was. Maranthe continues to intrigue me, and I like the scene with the gods. Lasilia I don't actively dislike her anymore, but neither do I find her an interesting protagonist. I would keep reading this story, but it would be for the side characters, and the world, and the very intriguing gods. Lasilia herself I can't seem to connect with, nor empathize with. She's starting to get hints of better dimensionality, for sure, but the world around her is so interesting and she just seems... to float in a bubble just beyond it. As I believe I have mentioned before, dislike or ambivalence of a protagonist does not keep me from enjoying something. I hated Buffy but loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc. The story you are presenting is immersive, and I appreciate that. As I go - LOL 'He is awfully pretty' - Lasila pulls her head down to hers <-- typo here - I enjoy the reveal ceremony a great deal - page six: the part where the god speaks to Lasilia still confuses me. Does he walk to her and whisper? Is it an illusion? I can't seem to tell if he is actually right before her, or this is some mental trick. Because I'm wondering about it, it pulls me from the narrative - aww, I'm sad that the gods don't speak to Savae! - the end bit with Savae is good!