kais

Hah! This is how I feel every time you talk to me about spaceship physics!

Thanks so much for the feedback, @Paracosmic_nomenclator! LOL, no worries. A lot of people miss it in the first chapter. Check. Will change, Is it more or less scary that it is a real thing, with its properties somewhat extended for fiction? Good call. Typo there. It stands for the placeholder title, which you guessed correctly. That won't be its actual title though, when it goes on sub. Thank you again! Ah @Asmodemon, always nice to see you around! Glad this version reads better. We're in version four now, so things should be starting to smooth out. So how important is it to you to get personal descriptions early? More do come, but I stuck them in slowly. Better earlier? This is a really good point. My initial thought was that the pigments were so novel that S felt like they would override everything else. I think you're right though, that something else is needed. Hmm. Yes. I'll make this more clear. Check. Blocking is not my strength. Will edit. Thank you again!! Hope to see you around the boards more often!

Welcome back! Overall The chapter was fairly well written, but I'm not sure what the purpose was. Was it just for our young hero to pay his dues, basically, and grow stronger? The narrative isn't particularly compelling, and there isn't really any tension. I think you'd be better off doing something like about half the ride there, then just a 'He worked in the kitchens for six months before they moved him to vegetable peeling' or something like that, and then move to an important moment (like meeting some key person). The minutia of him using too much lye doesn't add much to the narrative right now. I'm also not really connecting with our main character. He isn't showing much emotion or doing anything particularly heroic and/or interesting. I think a good rewrite could tighten this up immensely. Keep at it! As I go - willow isn't a proper noun - a cow was stealing wares? How? Why? - we're getting a lot of names and people all at once. I'm not going to remember them likely. Better to introduce slowly, one at a time - I'm at the first # break, and getting antsy. The ride is taking too long without any real information being presented (we're not getting a lot of worldbuilding), and not getting any real character development or backstory. Let's get to the kitchens! - the second description of the girls who aren't twins is just repeating the information presented before - I'm not a huge fan of the young hero jumps to the rescue of the maligned girl trope. It's not necessarily bad, or that it needs to be changed, just giving you my mental feedback here. The scene made me want to skim, because it seemed very cliche. - capitalization issues. When it's used as a name, it's capital. When it's a modifier, it's not capitalized. my uncle Hi, Uncle! He saw his uncle. That man, your uncle. I love Uncle! - "I have a feeling you'll get a chance in the kitchens before long." Technically isn't he already in the kitchen? I assume you are insinuating that our boy on this traditional hero's journey will earn his worth quickly through pot scrubbing and then move on to Better Things? The scene with the chef also plays out pretty cliche. I think you need a different take on at least one of these areas to spice things up.

Cause @industrialistDragon and I don't know each other at all. AT ALL. Agree, although borderline enough that we do not have to reset our counter. Whew.

Definitely make a bigger deal of this then, because it seems very unbelievable that it takes so long for the wood dust to catch. His dialogue tags could be the screaming and writhing part, if you want. But we need to feel his feels. This should probably be mentioned at least twice so it sticks with the reader It would not, unless you're moving into subspecies, and even then their ring porosity likely wouldn't change (unless you want to seriously magic then, and have one move from ring porous to semi ring porous, which would be cool). Internal monologues can bog down a story. Just give us more reaction, more emotion, more feeling, even in the words. You still have emotion even when you meet someone knew. Shock can be portrayed through action. You can do it!

Welcome to RE! Always nice to see new faces. Overall Interesting. As most people on here could tell you, I'm a tree nerd, so any story with trees will catch my attention. With that said, I think the emotion needs to be upped in this piece, because everyone seems pretty cardboard-y and lacking solid reactions. The descriptions otherwise are pretty good, and the narrative flowed well. Nice work! As I go - page one: “Where’s the fire?” He asked dryly, should be "Where's the fire?" he asked dryly. Lowercase h. - page two: I'm a little surprised the sawdust hasn't already caught, honestly, unless his cell is damp? - page three: wouldn't a man completely on fire just be screaming? I wouldn't think he could talk, unless he's not burning burning? That might need explained a bit more. Is his skin blistering at all? - page five: if they were all severely burned, after the break, no one really mentions that. It takes a long time for skin to heal from that. How are they not all just walking pustules of cracked flesh, about to burst? I think more description might be needed - “This is because the blossoms themselves act as mediums for their own effects. The breed of tree that causes heat, the germinignus, blooms earlier than all others because its blossoms make it slightly warmer. I don't know how rigorous you want to get here, but heat has zero effect on tree leaf out in terms of which species leaf out first. Trees that leaf out first, like maple, are diffuse porous (they have little vessels), versus trees that leaf out late, like ash, which are ring porous. When they leave out in relation to one another is a function of their anatomy. #woodscience - page six: the capitalization after quotation thing that I mentioned above has recurred several times now. Just something to keep an eye out for. Examples below for dialogue tag etiquette. "I don't like dialogue tags," she said. "Why don't you like dialogue tags?" he asked in response. "Don't ask stupid questions." The nonbinary person stomped their foot and left in a huff. - page seven: Trebor is handling the burning and being a human sacrifice very well. Very very well. So well that I don't have much empathy for him, because I'm not connecting to him - page nine: everyone reacts very calmly to the tree turning to some disembodied spirit. More emotion, please. More reaction.

Sorry all, we’re back at chapter one again. It’s been through some pretty extensive revisions, and I’m hoping we can sort of collectively pick it apart and find any remaining flaws. Originally issues were with S not emoting enough, the chapter being too long and technical at the start. I’d like to know if these issues are resolved and or if any new ones cropped up. Grammar, syntax, punctuation, all are up for comment. Thanks! If you would abbreviate all character names, I would appreciate it.

Throwing in my two cents as it were. You all know I have a publisher (small press), and courted agents for a while. I almost went with an agent, then decided to go direct to publisher. With TWD I am going to try the agent route just for comparison. Subbing to agents versus subbing to publishers--it's basically the same process but you shouldn't really do it simultaneously, because an agent will do a lot of work on your manuscript before taking it out on sub, and you don't want to have closed any doors for them on your own (by like, say, subbing to Angry Robot's open door and getting rejected, which means your agent can't then sub your super shiny manuscript to them, later). Finding the right match is critical, and once I found #MSWL on Twitter, my response rate jumped to like 50% because I was able to directly target people who wanted what I had RIGHT NOW. So I really recommend browsing that feed once per day. Of course, your query letter is super important, important enough that you might want to sub it though the forum here several times to get it all spiffed up before subbing. Also note that it takes literally years to get anywhere with agents/publishers, unless you are The Next Great Thing. Minimum a year, so don't get discouraged. A lot of that time is working on edits that you get back from agents (who don't want to sign you, but have suggestions). This is why you only sub to like 5-10 agents at a time, because if you do get feedback you'll want to incorporate it into your draft before subbing again. This way, your book gets better and better, and you slowly get more and more feedback, and eventually you hit the jackpot. But damnation, is it tedious! The best thing you can do, too, is make sure your first chapter is OUTSTANDING, and that your first fifty are amazing as well. So much will judged on just those! And if anyone has any nitpicky questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Let's talk publishing!

So I have a question. How does the 'Creators Corner' work with RE? It looks like CC was started for fan fiction, but a lot people are talking about original works over there, too. Are they are kind of spawning RE 2.0?

Oooh, I'll play. I'm sure mine will be high, because I have purposefully made S more wishy washy than I would normally write a character. maybe - 67; perhaps - 55; possibl - 17; could - 417; and '?' - 712 N = 88,460 U=1.03 (assuming I did the math right)

Is that...the sun? Am I finally leaving my revision cave? Why yes, yes I am! Overall I enjoyed it overall. It reads very much like a fairy tale out of Grimms, although your own writing style shows through. The parentheses and punctuation bits tend to throw me out of the narrative, but that might just be me. I was also kind of hoping for more reaction from the townspeople, or a bit more foreshadowing that she wasn't what she at first appeared. But other than that, smooth sailing! So glad you subbed finally! As I go - really, you had me at 'once upon a time' - this is reading very traditional fairy tale format. I'm digging it (and this looks familiar. I think I've read this one of yours before!) - page four: ah, the fairy tale twist! - page six it starts to move more from fairy tale standard to author voice. Unsure if you were going for that or not - so wait, I don't quite get the end. Are the ice diamonds her eyes? Part of her heart? I think that might need some clarification

Yes, I am ready to sub again! ASD and ATD are officially back with my publisher, and ASD went to copy edits so I can go back to TWD again. YAY! So please sign me up for Monday!

I have more chapters to sub of TWD, but I have so many edits to do for ATD! ARGH! At least ASD went to the copy editor yesterday! Anyway, maybe next week I'll be back for sub? I hope!

Third round edits on ASD, and @Mandamon, I've got one of your purple haired people from Fruits winking at Nick at the space hub. Crossover easter egg complete! (Nick is not amused)

No one said it had to be those two!

I loved it! I'm, er, a bit warm after that fight, and I suppose Quirk was, too! Very nicely done! I also enjoyed the "Oh, but the Chanel!" line! I was wondering how well M would fare in a fight against a majus, and I loved that you wove the Symphony into witchcraft. This means @industrialistDragon is up next!!!!

Random bragging moment - that little micro fiction thing I posted a while back, that was selected for the anthology, just got an honorable mention! Woohoo!

Ugh. The very thought of making up a language makes me head hurt. I know too many languages, I think to ever be able to settle on a grammar and tense pattern for a new one. I also think they're a little much for most books. Maybe too though, I don't get as into the nitty gritty and really just read for pleasure.

Yup! Otherwise I have to sub the whole thing again. I like to fix as I go, but this is very much personal preference.

I don't want to do edits to ATD, so I've been amusing myself on Twitter. Some of Brandon's old comments on homosexuality are floating around again. Ugh. I know he's evolved somewhat on these stances, but yeowch to the early commentary.

Overall I had some... large issues with this submission. I almost couldn't finish it. The story is potentially intriguing, but there were two large red flags that went up. 1) race relations: you've got a potential 'light skin good, dark skin bad' thing going on, which is problematic. I suggest maybe looking at implicit bias, or taking some of these quizzes (and helping science at the same time!), and maybe thinking a bit about how we portray protagonists and antagonists in fiction: clicky clicky for implicit bias testing 2) rape: It's not a plot device. It's not something to use in place of descriptive writing. It's not something to write about at all unless you understand the ramifications of it, and it is definitely something you put a content warning in for when you sub. We have guidelines on this for a reason, because rape, attempted rape, issues of non-consent, they are super triggering for people, especially survivors. It's existence in your sub was almost...flippant, and that is not a good way to go with rape. I suggest reading some articles about this subject and considering removing it from your piece altogether. I encourage you to keep writing and developing this piece. We only get better by keeping at it. As I go - general agent advice I have received is that you don't want to change up POV characters so early in a story. Let us get invested in one set for several chapters before moving to another, especially if you are an early writer - No, Lyra thought. They might even… force themselves upon me. Technically, they might rape either of them. That's not a strictly female victim thing. Regardless, I'd expect much more emotional reaction after having that thought. - “In fact, we’re only invading their homes because General Kron allowed it. If he didn’t explicitly say that it was okay…” Show, don't tell - page two: and Lyra again makes a comment about rape, and has no emotional reaction to it - page four: the interchange between Lyra and the boy falls a bit flat. I don't feel any real danger or menace because Lyra isn't reacting, and there isn't enough description of the invader solider people to make me feel afraid - end of page five: took too long to actually look outside. At this point I'm getting dialogue fatigue. - page six: need a LOT more description if we are in a new plane of existence. Wow me! - page seven: how old is Gerald? Lyra calls him her best friend, but he acts and talks sort of like a little brother, maybe six or seven - page seven: what does the town look like? What do the buildings look like? What are they made from? - page eight: so Lyra has very real fears of being raped, but goes out into town to get food, and then has no plan for how to avoid soldiers? Also, I'm just not feeling her fear, or the menace. - page nine: I'm going to ask you to put a content warning on this, because the scene is devolving and you have no (V) or (NC) tags to denote rape, or attempted rape. And you are certainly alluding to it. - page ten: Lady Ashaya doesn't seem to emote much, either. Harassing? That was clearly more than harassing. Followed by a command to 'get lost'? Stronger words are needed here, I think. - page ten: Okay, let's take a break and cover some basic rape/rape culture/survivor stuff. Lyra was clearly being assaulted by a group of men, with intent to rape. Lady A sees this. After dismissing the men, her first words are: “Sorry about that,” Lady Ashaya said. She put on a friendly smile, which looked surprisingly... Issues in this scene are as follows: 1) lack of emotion (I don't get a feeling that anyone took this scene seriously, because I see no emotion); 2) lack of urgency (do rapes just happen everyday? This event is treated like someone spit in her hair); 3) response We have already hit on one and two, so let's talk about three. If you were walking in an alley, and saw a woman surrounded by men who were coming towards her, and she wasn't outright encouraging them ("Hey yeah! I've always dreamed of a group thing! Let's go back to my place, gentlemen, and get you some leather collars...) how would you react? After the men left, you would probably first ask the woman if she was alright. She was the one almost raped, and it was for her wellbeing that you intervened. So first one would inquire about her state of being. Next, you would probably offer to take her somewhere safe, or escort her to her destination. Again, concern for the person. Apologizing for the actions of the people (assuming they were under your command, or just members of your gender), would be... not wise at any stage. When you apologize for them, you partially dismiss their actions as not really entirely all their fault. The only ones who should apologize in this scenario are the would-be rapists. In the end, rape isn't a plot device to be batted around so that an author can lend severity to a situation without doing any work. Rape is a real thing, with real world context, and when it gets used as just a 'thing that sorta happens and no one takes it too seriously', you delegitimize the experience of rape victims. My suggestions would be to either remove it entirely, or give it the weight it deserves in the narrative. Either would work just fine. - “I know that it’s hard, but try not to blame them too harshly.” No apologetic language, please, unless there is a real reason for your character doing so (if it is 'in character', that is fine, but this doesn't seem to be) - page 11: it is not okay to equate rape to schoolyard bullying. Ever. How quickly the event is being rationalized is highly troublesome - page 13: If Lyra is really that concerned about rape, I don't think she would so easily send her one defender away. Why not ask the lady to escort her to the food and then back home, since she seems so sympathetic? - page 13-14: so she just carries on with her day, no problem, despite everything that has happened?

M is trying very hard to impress S. I think @Robinski hit right to the heart of M in his piece, with her sort of casual entitlement. This exercise made me really question whether I wanted the whole book in just one POV. It'd be such fun to swap out with M.

I suppose it would depend on who else was around. Of course, after the night she and Quirk had at the strip club, the bar might now be unattainably high.

But they both drink, don't they? Maybe they're both drunk and Quirk has to play moderator, especially since Magda will be making passes. Although, we don't actually know if Rilan is straight or bi, or one of those 'bi when they are drunk' women.