king007

Thanks!

I have a 4-page scene that I'd like some input on before continuing with the rest of the chapter. Would it be okay if I share it this week along side the other members? I don't want to take anyone's spot though.

Edit: After waiting for 24 hours, I'm just gonna go ahead and do it

Edit2: I realized i did not wait for 24 hours lol but more like 12

I must say that I was truly captivated by your excellent writing. I enjoyed reading these 17 pages a lot, and I'm already hooked by the story. Good job my friend!

As for the keeper part, I felt like i was reading a fairy tale of some kind. The keeper didn't seem that evil to me honestly, even mentioning the dead men who ventured inside the cave did not darken my impression of him. Though I must say that you succeeded in capturing how tricky he was. This part only lacks a darker tone to it, otherwise it would be perfect for me, unless that's the kind of story you're aiming for. I wouldn't know for sure since I didn't read the previous part. Or maybe he just seemed that way because he was talking to Hellas, some one he had known for a long while and had an affection for him of some sort.

I didn't think it convenient that a back way into World's End exists. After all it's guarded by this terrifying creature, so hardly anyone would want to go through this way.

I also found the dialogue between Hellas and Scrios to be wonderful. It flowed smoothly and added progression to the story. The best kind of dialogue.

That's all I have to say.

Good luck on your next chapters.

I am in a similar situation as well. I also have a dictionary tab open at all times in my browser when I'm writing.

You know what, I have been consuming English for 10 years now (movies, podcasts, games, forums, articles...) so I've grown to be very proficient at understanding it, even in different dialects. What's lacking me is producing in English rather than consuming.

And I have already laid a solid groundwork that will help me with this task. I only need to practice, make my mind used to producing in English like it's used to consuming. Practice my friend, practice!

At least, that's what I've told myself.

The thing that i actually have a problem with is getting published in the US/UK while not living there. But I know that if I write a really great book, then things will eventually solve themselves.

Pg2 : « This isn’t going to be good.”

--Lots of “go” sounds there, how about this instead: “this is not looking good” or “this is not going to end up well”

‘“A problem?” Rewer gave a sardonic laugh.’

-I don’t see how anyone would laugh in this situation, even in mockery.

«Stephanie was surprised his whole face didn’t collapse in »

--I don’t think that’s a proper expression.

“The Solomonari couldn’t have gotten far.”

“You yourself boasted to the Board of about her resourcefulness”

“The man’s lips turned into a weak smile.”

Pg3: “You understand nothing,” Rewer said interrupted.

“I can see why you’re frustration frustrated.”

“The man said. The two guards standing by the unconscious drew their automatic weapons..”

Pg6: “The shape of two large hands comprised entirely of dirt and grass pulled itself up formed up and emerged.”

“The second guard began to fire, until a miniature mud slight drowned him a second later, as a second creature literally amassed a top of him.”

--Honestly, this is an awful wording.

“The man backed away, with every one of the red robes clearing a path for the man, each trying to avoid Rewer’s gaze.”

--How about this instead: “The red robes cleared a path, as the old man backed away, each one avoiding Rewer’s gaze.”

That’s all I could do for the writing revision. Now I’m going to comment on the story itself.

Chapter 56:

I liked the tension here. Even though, I didn’t read the previous chapters, I was taken by the evil confidence of Rewer, although I wanted more details on the bewilderment of the old man facing him. I’d have liked the transition between his confidence and him wetting his pans.

And like others have said, Rewer’s should have been overshadowed to make more sense for the reader.

Chapter 57:

“Apparently Rewer command extends to fossil fuels.” I actually laughed here, how is that even close to apparent!

I found the conversation, between the three characters, as well as several descriptions to be very funny.

Chapter 58:

“Options. The word sprayed through her mind. I need options. Unfortunately, there were no options in the camp that quickly transformed into a nightmare by Rewer’s golems.”

--I thought I said no more comments on writing but omg! This chunk of text made me cringe so much!

Some descriptions seem forced and out of place and I think you could get your point across without them or by replacing them with better ones. Examples:

“like a chicken unaware its head had been lopped off” or “reduced to mangled art school projects”

I loved the first scene between Andy, Jason and Stephanie.

Chapter 59:

I liked how Renfield escaped his death.

But I also did not understand exactly how he fought that golem.

Final advice:

The story is interesting, but one thing is disturbing me when I read it: the writing. You’ve gotta work on it man. I consider a smooth writing even more important than a good story. A masterful writer could enchant readers with a ridiculous story if his writing is good enough.

Fantastic opener! You've got the stage set. Best of this is the implication that Alfred has already completed this dangerous quest, suffered pains because of it, but come away with a prize. Starting right after the completion of a great quest, to me, is awesome. Carry on!

Thanks alot, you actually inspired a great idea in my mind.

Very, very cool! This is definitely a story I would read. I like the overall description of Alfred's fatigue through his weariness and inability to move in general. I also liked the bit about the Phoenix, but I do feel it's kind of an info-dump. You might look for ways to spread the nature of the leaf - and the Phoenix - throughout the passage leading up to it. 

Thanks aswell. I'm not yet sure how this story is going to unfold but I'll definitely keep your suggestion in mind because it can add even more mystery.

Great start!  You've got some mystery there, and I'm eager to see what Alfred is trying to achieve.

 

The biggest thing I want to see is more action.  You have a lot of phrases that don't really do anything, and it feels like this takes some of the tension away.  Some examples below:

He urged himself inside his head

He struggled for a few moments while he reached inside

it didn’t dance around, but instead traveled swiftly.

 

You could take out half (or all) of each of these sentences and it wouldn't detract anything, but the person reading would feel more tension.

I appreciate your feedback. Here are the changes that i made following your advice:

He urged himself inside his head.

He struggled for a few moments while he slowly reached inside

it did not dance around, but instead traveled swiftly. indicating how the leaf traveled is actually important, because a leaf usually dances in the air and doesn't fly far away, and if that's the case here then Alfred would burn to death haha

Finally, thank you all again. I made some other changes to improve the writing, and I'll appreciate it if you commented even more on the writing style, how smooth does it feel ? is there some parts that seem ambiguous to you ?

Pg1 : « A flickering light awoke Origon.”  I was under the impression that we can only perceive sounds when we’re asleep, so I don’t see how a flickering light would awaken anyone so that needs to be rephrased.

“It showed the captain’s face, close to his. There was a large bruise was on the captain's whiskered cheek.” How about putting this way? “Nearby, it highlighted another man's face with a large bruise covering his cheek. It was the captain.”

“Majus Cyrysi?  Are you well ok/alright?” ‘well’ seems out of place here.

“Origon blinked and mentally checked himself.” I don’t see why you put –what seems to me like- an unnecessary emphasis on blinking. It doesn’t have anything to do with the mental check, unless I’m missing something from previous chapters.

“Slowly He slowly nodded”

“Dipara has a broken leg, but thankfully nothing worse, for all she flew across the length of the capsule.” Consider this: “Dipara has surprisingly sustained only a broken leg, seeing how she flew ..”

“He saw quickly averted his eyes upon seeing something white protruding from her leg and glistening in the low dim light, and quickly looked away.”

“I will be speaking to the engineers on about the condition of these seats when I get back.”

“You will wait for me to finish with them first," Origon told him, and replied, rubbing his neck.  “I might not be leave anything for you to complain to about.  Come on, help me out."

“The captain undid his the restraints and Origon nearly fell from his chair.” To avoid confusion.

That's all for now. I hope to do more another time.

The story seems interesting, but i still have to read further until i comment about it.

I’d appreciate it if you also gave me some feedback here aswell.

Pg1: “I wasn't standing and my shirt was still tight around me. I opened my eyes.”

“There was the ceiling, and there was Old Trahaearn The ceiling was overlooking the angry face of Old Trahaearn;” I think this is a more appropriate way of putting it.

“I said, wanting holding back my urge to scream and run.”

"You believe a man with one eye is an easy mark, that he wouldn't catch you thieving." I’m not sure about this but how about saying “thieving about/around”?

“He breathed heavily and there was a bitter smell about him. No. It was the room, full of bitter air. What was it?” I liked the transition here.

Pg2: “The scent floated in the air and it made me feel calm calmed my mind.”

“My whole insides wanted to bolt for the door and tear it down to get out of there.” Consider this instead: I felt an urgent/crying need to charge the door, break it apart, and escape this place.

That's it for now, i'll probably do more later.

I'll comment on how i feel about the story and characters when i complete reading.

I’d appreciate it if you also gave me some feedback here aswell.

Meh, sounds like too much trouble. I'd rather relax and let you guys sort it out.

Ignore StormGate, he's just jealous he doesn't get any cookies. Accept all cookie offers. They give you magic powers. And on that note: Would you like a cookie? Its extra Sparkly. This one will make you physically stronger, faster, and more enduring. And since *deleted for spoilers* was defeated, you even get to keep your soul.

Thanks, but i think i'm going to pass on the cookie offer. You seem like a good guy and all, but i learnt not to trust anyone who gives away free cookies, especially if they're extra sparkly. I hope you understand.

Welcome!

Thanks alot Anamax

Pg1 : ‘ She glanced from her left to her right. Red robed nut-jobs brought up every side like some twisted Satanic choir.’ I think the transition between the two sentences should be smoother here rather than two seperated clauses. Also the first one could be worded better like « she glanced left and right » , because the action already suggests that it flowed from one direction to the other and you avoid repeating « her » twice.

Pg1 : ‘The red robes turned pink as a bright lightning flash five feet away bathed their fabric in magnesium scarlet.’ I’m not sure that word is the proper word to use here because it suggests a soft action over an extended period of time while the flashes of lightning are abrupt and fast.

Pg1-2 : ‘Steeling herself once more, she waited for the next lightning bolt to strike in at the center of the group and bring with it their infernal teacher.’  You already used the verb “wait” in the previous sentence and it’s such a neutral verb that conveys no emotion whatsoever, I suggest replacing it with “anticipate” or adding “in anticipation”. And I didn’t like the last expression; I think the meaning could be conveyed in a more majestic way befitting of the event. For example: ‘…at the center of the group and bring forth their infernal lord’ or something like that.

Pg2 : ‘One minute passed. Then three and finally five.’ I think this is a really sad way of saying it. It’s a great opportunity to emphasize on their bewilderment and make the reader clench his teeth in anticipation but you just rushed over it. Shame on you

Pg2 : ‘Rewer looked at the assembled group, from the first red-robbed figure all the way to the back. All the way to her.’ I didn’t read the previous chapter so I’m not sure about the context but it sounds to me like she’s hiding and Rewer still hasn’t found out about her. So when you make a point of repeating that expression twice and putting the emphasis on Stephanie’s location the second time, it seems to me like Rewer is going to notice her and react, but that just didn’t happen in the following part so I’m brought to believe that he did not notice her which contradicts the meaning that your choice of words brought me to understand. I suggest rephrasing it this way: ‘… all the way to the back where Stephanie was hiding’ then if could express her nervousness about him finding her out.

This is all I could manage to critique for the moment. I hope to do a bit more later.

Except for a few small bumps here and there, I generally like the smooth flow of your writing and I’m inclined to read further.

I’d appreciate it if you also gave me some feedback here.

I added an improved version of the first draft to the first post.

I also changed the MC's name along with the story name.

Please, read and give me your thoughts about it.

Thanks for your feedback and don't worry i'm not gonna walk that road haha

I initially intended to draw a manga out of this story but seeing how my drawing skills aren't really progressing, i decided to write it.
Well, without further ado, here is the beginning of the story:
 

EDIT1: I revised a part of my first attempt and i think i made some huge improvements.

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I hope to have a good time here with all of you !

And thanks Stormgate for the cookie warning, i'll make sure to reject any cookie offers

Hello,

I'm happy to join this forum and be a part of this online community.

I started reading fantasy books (actually books in general) two months ago. So far I've read 4 books in total: The Queen of the Tearling, The Invasion of the Tearling, The Way of King and Words of Radiance.

I fell in love with TWoK and WoR and so here I am joining the ranks of fans in this Brandon Sanderson fansite.

I think my main activity here will be around the Reading Excuses subforum as i really want to improve my writing skills.

Other than that, I'm from Tunisia, which is a country in North Africa. I've mosly learnt my English by watching movies, playing video games and reading the subtitles of anime. So don't expect me to have a perfect grasp of grammar and spelling rules

I also like jogging and tennis.

Any way, I'm glad to be here and i hope the feeling is mutual