Strings of Fate

[king007]

I initially intended to draw a manga out of this story but seeing how my drawing skills aren't really progressing, i decided to write it.
Well, without further ado, here is the beginning of the story:
 

Alfred emerged from his slumber to find himself drowning in a sea of exhaustion. He tried to open his eyes, but they were too heavy. Thoughts of going back to sleep gently flirted with his mind, and his consciousness started to slip away. No, I must stay awake! He urged himself. I can’t waste any more time. He’s in danger.

 

        Alfred wrestled again with his eyes until they were halfway open. Darkness still overwhelmed his vision. He needed light. Raising his arms proved even more challenging, as if they were chained to the floor underneath his back. He slowly reached inside a small leather bag that was lying on his stomach, and pulled a large crimson leaf missing about a third of its size. Then he ripped a small chunk and moved it closer to his mouth.

 

        “Esteeyarr,” Alfred whispered, before throwing the tiny piece of leaf away in a hurry with all the strength he could gather. It did not dance, but instead traveled swiftly like a rock through the air, and then landed soundlessly on the floor. All it took was the blink of an eye, and the leaf transformed into a huge ball of rabid fire, casting out the darkness and filling the entire place with blinding light. Alfred brought his arm up to shield his eyes, and as they were adjusting, he slowly heaved himself up, sending strikes of unbearable pain throughout his body. His muscles throbbed violently in protest, and he almost collapsed to the ground, but he miraculously regained balance, and pressed both hands against his knees to calm his trembling legs.

 

        To his right, the blazing fire was still surging, refusing to fade away any time soon. The magical leaf – that Alfred used – belonged to an ancient tree known as the Tree of Revival. It’s said to be the reincarnation of a mystical Phoenix that once roamed the skies, thousands of years ago, spreading terror and grief across the world of Alarth, until he was finally slain by the Council of Sages, in a long and fierce battle that lasted for an entire cycle of the Blue Moon. According to the myth, the three High Sages hid the magical tree in the deepest part of the Frozen Sea. And, since then, no person or otherwise had been successful in locating its whereabouts. Hundreds tried. Hundreds died.

 

EDIT1: I revised a part of my first attempt and i think i made some huge improvements.

Edited January 13, 2016 by king007

[Curious Anamaximder]

Nice! Intresting, mysterious.

However, there is the the cliche 4 elements thing.

[king007]

Thanks for your feedback and don't worry i'm not gonna walk that road haha

Edited January 10, 2016 by king007

[king007]

I added an improved version of the first draft to the first post.

I also changed the MC's name along with the story name.

 

Please, read and give me your thoughts about it.

Edited January 12, 2016 by king007

[smgorden]

Fantastic opener! You've got the stage set. Best of this is the implication that Alfred has already completed this dangerous quest, suffered pains because of it, but come away with a prize. Starting right after the completion of a great quest, to me, is awesome. Carry on!

[rdpulfer]

Very, very cool! This is definitely a story I would read. I like the overall description of Alfred's fatigue through his weariness and inability to move in general. I also liked the bit about the Phoenix, but I do feel it's kind of an info-dump. You might look for ways to spread the nature of the leaf - and the Phoenix - throughout the passage leading up to it. 

[Mandamon]

Great start!  You've got some mystery there, and I'm eager to see what Alfred is trying to achieve.

 

The biggest thing I want to see is more action.  You have a lot of phrases that don't really do anything, and it feels like this takes some of the tension away.  Some examples below:

He urged himself inside his head

He struggled for a few moments while he reached inside

it didn’t dance around, but instead traveled swiftly.

 

You could take out half (or all) of each of these sentences and it wouldn't detract anything, but the person reading would feel more tension.

[king007]

Fantastic opener! You've got the stage set. Best of this is the implication that Alfred has already completed this dangerous quest, suffered pains because of it, but come away with a prize. Starting right after the completion of a great quest, to me, is awesome. Carry on!

 

Thanks alot, you actually inspired a great idea in my mind.

 

Very, very cool! This is definitely a story I would read. I like the overall description of Alfred's fatigue through his weariness and inability to move in general. I also liked the bit about the Phoenix, but I do feel it's kind of an info-dump. You might look for ways to spread the nature of the leaf - and the Phoenix - throughout the passage leading up to it. 

 

Thanks aswell. I'm not yet sure how this story is going to unfold but I'll definitely keep your suggestion in mind because it can add even more mystery.

 

Great start!  You've got some mystery there, and I'm eager to see what Alfred is trying to achieve.

 

The biggest thing I want to see is more action.  You have a lot of phrases that don't really do anything, and it feels like this takes some of the tension away.  Some examples below:

He urged himself inside his head

He struggled for a few moments while he reached inside

it didn’t dance around, but instead traveled swiftly.

 

You could take out half (or all) of each of these sentences and it wouldn't detract anything, but the person reading would feel more tension.

 

I appreciate your feedback. Here are the changes that i made following your advice:

He urged himself inside his head.

He struggled for a few moments while he slowly reached inside

it did not dance around, but instead traveled swiftly. indicating how the leaf traveled is actually important, because a leaf usually dances in the air and doesn't fly far away, and if that's the case here then Alfred would burn to death haha

 

Finally, thank you all again. I made some other changes to improve the writing, and I'll appreciate it if you commented even more on the writing style, how smooth does it feel ? is there some parts that seem ambiguous to you ?

Edited January 13, 2016 by king007

[Curiosity]

Intriguing, and I would like to read more! I'm not as good at the grammar stuff, especially not this late at night, but I would offer one thing. I had two paragraphs of tension and intrigue, but then it stops for the sake of the red leaf. I understand that it's only a few paragraphs, not everything can be shared in that space. I'm interested in Alfred, and I'm interested in the leaf. But the two paragraphs with drastically different tones were a bit jarring. I hope that this will be expanded upon!