king007

Thanks guys for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. I wasn't quite sure how it'll be received and that prevented me at times from continuing writing it, because I was afraid it's only making me laugh.

I must say that I've been hugely influenced by two great books: The Princess Bride and Catcher in The Rye. I liked the simplicity and silliness of the first, and the tone and randomness of the second. Such great authors.

@Robinski:

“I’m wearing some sporting clothes or whatever” I thought this would make him come across as indifferent, which is how he is sometimes.

“You obey us. Else, we keel you.” I'm happy you like this one. But I'd like to rewrite it to something else that we'll instantly be recognized as a Mexican accent. I don't know though. Any suggestions?

“I can’t even. Just kill me already.” It's not a finished sentence on purpose. I should have wrote like this maybe "I can't even..." Would that be suitable in your opinion?

“I think you will have more pressing stuff to worry about than that” You caught me red-handed here, haha. It was really me being lazy

“and this rotten back pain” I thought this popping out of the blue would be somewhat funny. And I am going to expand on his back pain very soon in the next part. Just remember this is not a chapter but a part. Multiple parts could be inside the same chapter. It depends on how lazy I am And I think I'm gonna replace "rotten" with "goddam". It's my new favorite word, lol.

Also thanks for the kind words about my improvement. I haven't really done any exercise except for reading. I think the simplicity of the language is what's making it easy for me. Also the character of Mark can help me brush off description in a single line and not be punished for it, since he basically doesn't give a damnation. Description really frightens me.

@rdpulfer: I have a similar feeling about the language. I want a frequency balance where it shows off his eccentric character whilst also not disturbing the reader.

But I don't share your opinion about Mark not going to forest before. I don't see it as strange at all. Even in a developing country like mine, there are a ton of people living in a city and have never seen a forest. Imagine how it is in developed countries then, where almost everything is urbanized.

@krystalynn: So sorry to hear that. Maybe next time, it will contain less vulgarity. Except for "goddam", that word will be everywhere lol

I'd appreciate all sorts of feedback. Thanks.

Edit: Writing this, I was aiming for a comical approach to the usual stranded-in-an-island type of story. I don't know if the curse words usage was too excessive. I wanted that to work as a good link between authenticity and comedy.

I'd like to submit something for next Monday.

Do readers even care or know these terms? Personally, when I encounter an unknown technical clothing term, I just breeze through it unless it's somehow necessary to understand the situation. What about you guys?

Good for you! Looking forward to reading your submission

I don't really have much to comment on. This was quite a pleasant read. It felt so authentic. I love Frank's character and the dialogue is just so realistic, I like it. You also have many cool expressions like "held his cards close to the chest" and "steered me the wrong way". They may be well-known for English speakers, but for me it was my first encounter and I loved it. That aside, the story seemed a tad slow at first, and I almost dropped it. I wasn't hooked from the start and just kept reading in the hope of a good twist. I also don't understand what the big L stands for. C for cancer, H for heart-attack, but L for what? I understood that he transformed into a werewolf but I don't recall any word relating to that theme and starting with L. Enlighten me please

Ok, so, last time I enjoyed your submission. We got to meet George, the kebab guy, and I liked the interaction with him. We also met Salane and it was funny how she and Moon played with each other. Then we went through the forest and we got to evade a moonwolf. That was exciting. Then Salane surprised us by showing up before Moon starts the climb and after that we climb and Salane almost falls but she's saved and then we reach the top and we meet this mysterious guy Eclipse who shouldn't be trusted and we end the chapter there. There was a lot of stuff going on. Interactions, characters, action, humor...

But this time..it was just so slow. We achieved nothing. Moon just started shining and combining energy from the moons, a process I wasn't the least bit interest in to be honest because it was long and elaborated-on too much, so I just read without focusing on that part. In my mind he was just drawing energy and playing with it in his body. He faints, wakes up, Salane throws a tantrum, Eclipse warns them, they "tantrumly" discuss how to climb down, they "tantrumly" fall down, they "tantrumly" walk through the forest, then they "tantrumly" end the chapter...Do you where I'm getting at here? Salane grows so annoying this submission. She's complaining and overreacting to everything which after a certain point becomes so dull and irritating.

Also, the dialogue (if you call that a dialogue) seems like a huge info-dump. There is no progression to the story whatsoever.I couldn't feel interested at all. Last time I was. Last time there were flashes here and there. Last time Moon was moving around, doing stuff. But not this time. This time it was just mind-numbing.

But you know what? I read it all and with quite an ease. Because I was drawn by the first person and present tense combination. I really enjoyed reading your submission even if i wasn't emotionally invested this time in the content.

I think this is like the third time in RE where I enjoy the first submission of a story and then utterly hate then following one. Weird. But, yeah don't get discouraged, alright! I just wanted to let you know as a reader how I felt going through your writing. Maybe you'd benefit from the input and make wonderful changes. Or maybe the other guys will like it and I turn out to be just a dry weed in a pile of green grass!

Anyway, better luck for the next submission. Your story still holds my interest and I'd like to see more out of it!

Read this guys. It's something else!

Well I plan to watch the movie after I read the book. I think that will be more enjoyable ^^

Have you guys read The Princess Bride ? I just finished reading chapter 1, and it's so hilarious

I'm dropping out as well to leave space for others. I'm not really writing something important so there is no problem at all, and it seems that you guys need this

This was such a pleasant read. The narration reminded me of comedy animes. They have similar tones, and I like it!

I don't have much to comment on. I found everything to be excellent so far: the characters, their interactions, the world, the writing style, THE PRESENT TENSE! With this as the second lovely submission I read using present tense, I must say that I'm falling in love.

Aside from that, you have some brushing off to do in the spelling and grammar department. But they're only minor mistakes and a careful read will sort them out.

I also have two points to argue about: First is I didn't see how the man would choose so rapidly to start fighting Moon. In normal circumstances, that would be uncalled for, which makes it even weirder when Moon is famous for his superior power.

Second is the warning Moon gave to Salane: "You will have to learn quickly, or die." Is it just Moon tricking her again or it's really that dangerous? I saw it as a genuine warning which, considering nothing about the dangers of the spire is spoken of or at least hinted at, came to me abruptly and somehow ruined the mood.

I'm looking forward to more from this story. Good luck!

Maybe drop a line somewhere that uses the word 'experienced' (maybe its already there?), and put it in quotes so it forces the reader to notice?

haha that would be so funny

I'd like to reserve a spot for next Monday plz, thanks.

You are awesome. Thank you so much! It isn't inconvenience so much, as internet paranoia. Yeah, I'm one of those people. *sigh*

No, you're absolutely right. I understand where you're coming from.

Of course, I'm terribly sorry for any inconvenience it might have caused you.

I enjoyed reading this. It was quite amusing. I didn't catch the jokes -if there were any- but I liked the dialogue and how they faced these weird problems. I also enjoyed the details and world building. It was refreshing. Keep the pure dialogue form. I think it works better this way.

I'm actually confused by something. In the submission emails, I have three sender names that are similar:

eisenheim ---> Robin Duncan

Robinski ----> Robinski Duncan

kaiza -----> name removed for personal reasons

is this really some huge coincidence where you all have "Robin" and "Duncan" in your names?

Hello Spieles, congratz on your first submission to Reading Excuses. I hope you keep'em coming ^^

As for your work itself, It was rather thrilling. I liked the actions scenes, even though sometimes I couldn't quite clearly understand what was going on. But I assure you that the biggest part of this lies in my yet-to-be-improved English.

I do not agree with the mentioned reader. I found the action appropriate for these two first chapters. It established the violent nature of the world and -like you said- the mad skillz of our MC.

I also appreciated the use of the present tense. It made me more immersed into the story.

As far as grammar and writing mistakes go, you've come a long way in avoiding them. Just a bit of revision, and the piece will be even more enthralling.

I found the interactions between the characters to be spot on. Well done. I'm already suspecting that the Eleanor is the mother of Oz. I wonder if that's true.

Good luck on your next submissions!

Sure, I see no problem

I found this post for rules and etiquette http://www.17thshard.com/forum/topic/6-a-welcome-to-17th-shard-and-the-rules/#entry12693

Don't advertise your stuff (unless of course it's in General Discussion). Post your stuff in the correct forums, and stay on-topic. Common sense stuff, here.

I'm intrigued enough to want more!

Thanks, I'll hopefully write more and share it.

Yeah, I rather like the tone of this as an introduction, it does ask questions about the nature of the being we're seeing here, the nature of his power and influence, which seems wide-ranging. I couldn't read a whole story in this tone though, it's very grand and portentous, rather melodramatic. I think that's okay in small quantities, but rather heavy for a whole novel - imho.

 

Good to see some words from you, King, I hope this comes together for you. There are some nice ideas and phrasing in the language, not too much that I would comment on if I was line editing.

Thanks for your continued support Rob; I sincerely appreciate it. Was that a proper use of the semi-colon?

I can see the point you're making. It would be tiring to the reader to go through all this ambiguous wording page after page. I'm planning to write this for just the first scene. I feel like it kinda establishes the personality of the character, as if he was a deep thinker or a capable person without giving too much information. I don't know if that's how I want to portray my character, I'm just writing this for the sake of putting words out of my chest and feeling good about it. Past the first scene, I don't have any tangible idea. But, I'll just keep writing my mind.

Writing has been going so slowly for me, but I have a little story that I've been playing with in my head and writing about occasionally. I'm interested in cotinuing it but I'd like to confirm that the tone I'm using and style of story telling so far is good and intriguing. It's just a short paragraph really, nothing much. I'd appreciate your input and impressions.

Last time the lights went off at night for a long while, and so we had to use candles. I got bored, so I listened to an audio book of The Gunslinger by Stephen King. Somehow I felt so immersed in the way he writes and describes things. I liked how he hinted at things and not always spelling them out. It added a layer of mystical mist to his storytelling. My laptop battery died off and I was left with an urge to write. So I began writing under the candle lights with a pen on a piece of paper, which turned out to be excellent for drawing out ideas and expressions from my mind. I went into a writing streak for about an hour and then light returned ruining that special mood, because I started itching towards opening the computer and checking the net. I'll make sure to lit some candles and listen to Stephen King's writings the next time I want to write something.

Welcome, it's been here since about a month ago