king007

My impressions after reading your submission:

All the way to the first part of the second chapter, I was bored. It felt too slow for my taste.

The remaining part, I was confused. Most of the time I neither knew what was happening nor was I inclined to focus and discern what was going on.

Your writing is mostly clean. And you're still doing a good job on the childish tone, but it gets irritating some times.

Why did the boy have to go with Trahaearn if it was dangerous? Couldn't he have stayed with Joanna?

Also, did Joanna slip on purpose into the violin or was that an accident? If it was an accident, why couldn't she simply slip out?

Overall, I was not satisfied with this submission.

Keep writing and good luck on your next ones.

“When her mother shook her awake, Giselle squinted against the morning sunlight lancing directly into the house from just over the horizon.” This sentence is too long. And what do you mean by “directly”?

“Why are you sleeping here in a chair?” unnecessary detail.

The whole urinating part did not feel good.

“but hated the thought that her sister was missing and that she hadn’t raised an alarm because she was more interested in getting Leni in trouble.” This could use some rephrasing.

I did not get the transition between Giselle angry at her sister in the previous chapter and her worried in this one. It felt abrupt or sudden. Maybe some internal dialogue raising questions about the dangers that could befall Leni could make that transition smoother and easier to comprehend. Or perhaps you could emphasize more on her mother’s disappointment with her and show us that effect on Giselle.

“There were no signs of Leni’s footprints leaving the house outside, but her soft shoes were missing.”

“Away from the home itself, in a small clearing by the open-sided shed where the business was done of scraping out the insides of the waxfruit rinds, something shining in the grass caught Giselle’s eye.” Too long sentence. Try chopping it into different parts. And was the detail really necessary?

“Stepping closer to it”

“fully a foot long and almost a handspan at its widest.” Do you really need that word?

“It belonged to no bird Giselle could name, and though she had never seen one up close she was certain that it could only have come from an angel.” Seems to me too early to be certain.

“Her mother startled her by approaching silently, while Giselle was deep in thought and worry.” How about this: Deep in thought and worry, Giselle was startled by her mother’s silent approach.

And why would her mother be silent about it? Wouldn’t she, instead, shout at her from afar because she wanted to hurry and find her missing daughter?

“By the time her mother returned home”

“…few people they encountered on the road to inquire if anyone had seen about Leni.” One of many phrases that could use some serious trimming.

Notes:

The mother seemed cold to me in this chapter. I didn’t get the vibe that she was truly worried. As if she was hiding something and knew more about Leni’s disappearance.

In contradiction with the clean writing and precise description of the earlier chapter, this one had too many unnecessary details and bad phrasing. I suspect you did not pay this chapter as much attention as you did the other one.

I liked the dialogue. It felt authentic.

I’m still curious about the angels and looking forward to the council meeting.

I anticipate important changes happening in the next chapter, but who knows.

Overall, I’m still hooked, but I’d rather if you remain meticulous with your writing.

If anyone wants to take my spot, please go ahead. This submission is taking more time than I expected.

Are you a time traveler ? Because I have yet to send my submission

Don't worry, you don't receive it but we do. And I just downloaded your submission

yep

I'm Muslim.

I'm peace-loving, not a psychopath

Hello to you all.

Edit: Someone gave a +1 and now my reputation is Noble-Blooded, but I keep reading it Nose-Blooded lol

I don't know about beta reading, but you can submit parts of your work each week at the Reading Excuses online writing group.

The guys there are very helpful.

But make sure to read the rules for that section first.

What led to my assumption about the father in the previous chapter is mainly the vision that the boy had about him dropping stones into the well.

The stone that carried the name Papa was the darkest and hardest. I took that as a hint, as if its color represented the dark memory that the boy wants to stay forgotten.

Also, the boy wept when he threw all the stones except for the stone named Papa. As if the concept or memory of Papa was actually hollow, that it didn't have a true weight in reality, that it was fabricated and his subconsience already knew that so it didn't move him to tears.

And he already said that himself: "Something about that last stone didn’t seem quite real. I decided it probably had another name, and that it wasn’t something to hold onto."

I liked this chapter. A lot of moving around which kept it alive and interesting. Your writing was fluid but I think it still needs just a tiny bit of revision. And once again, you succeed in establishing an authentic childish tone.

I’m sure how I feel about the old lady. She seems awkward so far.

As for Joanna, I like her personality and the way she acts. It fits a child. And she sure doesn’t shy away from spilling the beans about everything. I’m not sure if that’s good or not. Let’s wait for further chapters to make that judgment.

In the previous chapter, I was led to assume that the boy is a fairy or at least that he sustained a shock when he was younger and that made him create his imaginary friend Papa to get around that shock.

In this chapter though, my latter assumption is further reinforced, because Joanna describes him as very lonely, but the first one about him being a fairy is less so because he fails to open the door at the end.

But if I take Gribble’s words into account, the boy was described as “unaffiliated” and Joanna confirmed this, so that leads me to assume that he lacks something to become a fully pledged fairy or something of that sort.

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“sun finally show his its face”

“a jacket with no sleeves” isn’t that a vest?

“Trahaearn knocked on the door which and it quickly swung open.”

I found the scene where she turned inside and then turned back towards them a bit awkward. Why didn’t she note the presence of the boy the first time ?

“Why do grownups keep calling me that? I’m not their son.” Nice thought.

I found the squabble, which ensued right before they entered, to be unnecessary.

You use a lot of “said” when you refer to someone speaking. In Writing Excuses, they advise to use it sparingly.

“said Trahaearn in an understanding way.” I’m not sure if the verb should take precedence in this type of sentences. And how about using “in a considerate manner” instead?

“sort of neat and tousled at the same time.” May be you should explain better how that is. The description that followed did not paint me the image of a tousled girl.

“swiftness that she oughtn’t ought not to have with all that weight.” Or “ought to not have”, I’m not very sure.

“she trod through without another look at me.” How about “she trod straight ahead”?

“There was another person lying in on the bed”

“Well it’s good your stomach’s empty” how is that good?

Me too please.

Maybe Leni has been whisked away (whoosh of air), by an angel and we won't see her for ages. If that is your tactic, it really builds up the significance of their first meeting (reuniting) in the book.

Haha I actually thought about that too while reading. I wouldn't mind at all if the story goes in that direction. It seems very interesting and fun!

Overall, I felt this was an average chapter.

I hardly kept my focus until I reached the manhole part. I would read the line like 3 times until I finally grasp what it meant. And this was my 3rd attempt at reading your submission. The first two times, I couldn't get past half of the first page.

The writing this time was not fluid, and there was excessive description that kept throwing me off. I think the pace was fine but the fault was with the writing itself.

I was also somewhat disappointed with the prisoners. Last time, you built up our expectations by saying that the demons themselves are afraid of them but I couldn't find anything scary about them except for their leader. And those two lines explaining the identity of the soldiers didn't really explain how powerful they were because I don't understand the scope of the war they fought or their role in it that much.

I did not understand as well why they were still alive. Why hadn't the demons killed them already ?

And if their leader was able all this time to escape on her own. I'm sure she would have been able to figure out an escape plan or something. I mean 10 years is a lot for her to keep witnessing the horrors done to her soldiers. She would have done something, anything. It did not seem logical to me.

Also, you kept repeating the word "blasted", which was really annoying.

The scene of freeing the soldiers could have been described better.

The leader's personality seemed badass enough for me.

I'm annoyed with Hellas when he speaks with her. I don't like his tone. It's like he has a weak personality or is not mature enough which doesn't suit the enormous task he's trying to do.

I did not buy the leader's reason for not accepting Hellas' offer of escape. They had been imprisoned here for a very long time and now someone is offering her to escape along with her soldiers and she just rejects that ? Even if the aftermath of the escape did not suit her, she could always betray Hellas and see to what was best for her men.

That's all I can think of right now. Sorry for all the negative points. I know it feels bad, but this was my honest reaction as a reader and I'm sure that's what you were looking for here.

Definitely, keep writing and good luck with the next submission!

Something else I forgot to mention. At the end, I thought Giselle was going to follow her sister and catch her in the act. I don't know why she stayed at the house waiting. Given her personality, I thought she would be more daring and curious to know why exactly her sister has been ill for so long, as obviously she was so annoyed by that.

Now, that I think back on it, I remember feeling disappointed when I read that she just sat there on a chair waiting for her Leni to come back.

But other that that, I would honestly buy a book that starts with this chapter.

And I AM indeed waiting for that next submission!

Well, critiquing is not always showing the parts someone's done wrong, a big part of it is actually telling them what they did right and in your case, I can't spot anything wrong at all. Maybe that's because I'm an inexperienced reader, but a reader I am nonetheless.

- I'm hooked by the story. I crave to read more.

- The characters seem very authentic and I can easily relate to them.

- Your writing is very fluid and keeps me reading more and more.

- I'm very curious about the other sister and I loved that you did not show her in this first chapter. Halfway through, I actually hoped that you wouldn't because it would somehow spoil the intrigue you've built up, and you delivered on that hope. So thank you!

- I learned a bit about how to make candles today, yay!

- Nice introduction for the angels. Not too much about them but enough to keep your curiosity going.

Those are the main things, which I can think of, that you did right.

I know that a writer wants to be told that he's done well in certain parts. That gives him validation and boosts his motivation. But a writer also wants to know what he did wrong to improve his work. In that, I can't help you. As I already told you, I did not see anything wrong. I'm sure the other guys will be of greater help.

Can't wait for your next submission!

Edit: I just saw your first post questions, so I'll answer them:

- I am mostly curious about the sister. But I also like Giselle very much, and I honestly don't know why since she's only been an annoying brat for the whole chapter, but I do like her and like to see what happens to her next. I think her age is 13-15 12.

- Well there wasn't much of a setting but I like what I'm reading so far.

- Now that I'm answering this question, I'm starting to question my intelligence because I initially thought that the waxfruit is something real.

- I found the amount of description to be appropriate. It added to the intrigue, and personally I like to slowly discover the world and stay curious about it rather than too much description that take me away from what's actually happening.

He strifed to be the best

--strove

I appreciate your feedback, Mandamon. It's good to know that my text captured someone's attention. And I really do need to do research on swords and other fighting "stuff", thanks for pointing that out.

Aside from that, I'm just going to comment on the small part above.

I looked it over on the internet and apparently "strove" and "strived" are both correct.

Here is a link for that: http://grammarist.com/usage/strove-strived-striven/

And here is a link I also found entertaining: http://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/dived-or-dove-which-is-correct

Thanks a lot!

I admire your confidence King, but I suspect the reality is that there are many great books sitting in drawer, unseen.

 

I don't mean to sound downbeat, and I certainly have no great experience of publishing, but I go by what I have heard in listening to 11 years of Writing Excuses.

 

Of course you must be confident, but beware of complacency that writing a good book is enough on it's own.

You're actually right; if you read my introduction thread, you'll see that the number of books I've read is very small. I do have a long way to go.

I'll take care of the publishing matter when I actually have decent writing skills. Now I'm just focusing on improving my English.

You know, just the other day this week, I tried to write a scene where a boy is lying on his bed and his father is sitting next to him telling him a story. I was incapable of producing a good description. It was such a simple scene but no matter what I tried, it did not sound authentic at all. I was so frustrated at my inability to achieve such an easy feat, but then I thought to myself: who am I kidding? I just started writing. Sure I watched a whole lot of American television and whatever and I grew to understand it a lot but that's just not enough. How can I expect myself to sound like a native English speaker just overnight! That would be too conceited!

So I decided to just take it one step at a time; it's not going to be easy and I'm not going to have an immediate and apparent improvement but with enough time and right practice, I might just make it. I just have to keep going and not give up.

It felt so good getting this out my chest. I hope to rely on your feedback for my next submissions!

Thanks a lot guys for your help!

I'm not going to line edit, but I felt that the grammar etc. could be tidied up. Also, the style is very wordy, and the two issues together resulted in me getting a bit impatient for the narrative to progress enough for me to learn what the situation was. I gather from other posts that English is not your first language. That certainly makes this a good achievement, but I have to say it does show in some of the word choice and grammar.

I'd really love it so much if you elaborated more on this part. Give me examples where my style was wordy and suggest me other ways to deliver my point. What were the word choices that gave away how English is not my first language?

I need to learn from my mistakes but i can't do that if i don't see them first and currently I'm not.

This is very crucial to my development as a writer, your help would be so appreciated!

Overall I liked this submission a lot. I loved your writing, it has improved since last time, and I was really fascinated by the way the little child narrates what happens and how he feels. It felt authentic and very close to how a kid would say things.

I'm also hooked by the story and would like to read more of it!

I'm not going to delve into details as I see the others have already elaborated on them.

Finally, I just wanna say good job and good luck with your next submission; I'm looking forward to it!

This has been reading excuses, bye !

I'd like to submit something for the next week as well if that's alright.

Thanks guys for the input. That was eye opening.

I'm going to ditch this scene because it just doesn't add any value or progression to the story.

I'm gonna throw Alfred right into action for my next submission and make sure to keep one POV and one tense.

Alfred is a thug, he is a bad guy. I'm trying to build a story where the main theme concerning Alfred is revenge and retribution.

There are still 2 major characters i need to introduce, but they will wait till after chapter 1 is properly done.

I have a good idea for a plot full of drama and twists but i'm struggling a bit with the details and how to get things started.

At least i got the writing part well but i think i'm still far from my goal.

Thanks again for your feedback!

I think I switched the POV twice without realizing it. Did you feel that change ? Do you find it appropriate or does it throw you off ?

Okay, thanks for letting me know

Pg2: “Rilan followed him out the door. He suspected it was to make sure he didn't fall over.”

‘He stopped for a brief moment and examined them. And something about them seemed oddly familiar about them. "The assassin," Rilan said, still walking.  He could catch up to her easily with his long legs, so he stood for an extra moment, watching the guards, who looked steadily straight forward.  He had almost forgotten about the assassin. Something was bothering him about them, and he caught up to his old friend in three large strides. "Whose guards are they to be?"  He caught up to his old friend and they made their way across the immense entry foyer of the Mayoral Hall to the room…’

--Too many unnecessary details.

Pg3: “Eventually, the location would get around to maji of other species, but the Methiemum might as well have…”

“She was obviously the one in charge.”

--I fail to see how that’s obvious.

Pg8: “Aditit nodded in agreement.”

Pg14: “was just trying to kill me just a few moments ago."

Comments:

The writing seems mostly (70%) fluid to me except for some excessive details and awkward phrasing here and there.

I’m sorry but I honestly don’t know how to comment on the story. I couldn’t find myself immersed enough to spot weak points in the plot or otherwise; maybe because I haven’t read it from the beginning.