Eisenheim

I'm reluctant to have an expanded finish between Alssia and Idris, because it feels strongly off-genre. The romance plot ends when it's clear the romance will succeed. Going beyond that feels like an epilogue, and short stories don't have space for those.

I think, even before you get payed, deciding that you are a real writer and writing is a job (even if it's not your only job) makes a huge difference. It did for me.

In my experience, depressed can look a lot like robot from the outside. I think that speaks to the issue though of not getting into anyone's head. Right now, the story feels like its perspective is that of a camera filming the scenes: we don't get anyone's perspective from the inside, but we don't have an omniscient narrator either.

The submission grinder is a free alternative to duotrope. It helps track submissions and has market listings. It definitely vets and continues to update info: markets don't post themselves. Things get recommended and the grinder curates a list. It also sends you to the market's website directly, you don't submit via the grinder site, so you can judge each market for itself. I'm mostly submitting to pro-rate markets, so I haven't run into any integrity issues. Those are well-known publications, for the most part.

Okay, my biggest thought is that I'm really curious about how this works. The problem, as a standalone piece right now, is that there's not enough going on other than figuring that out to make it fun instead of frustrating how long it takes to learn what's going on. Basically, there are two questions in this piece: what's going on with ashley, and what's going on with these dead people. Answering the second one takes most of the time, and the pace of revelation is frustrating, because I have no investment other than wanting an answer to the question.

Okay, yeah, prose is a bit purple. I understand what it's like to love description. Try picking the important things and not allowing yourself adjectives for anything else. Baxter is a little confusing. If he's got actual memory loss or mental damage, I want stronger cues, even if he doesn't realize it himself. His vocabulary is also a little elevated for his characterization. If he's a dropout embracing the redneck identity, I want fewer technical and precise terms. Why does he know they're carbochons not just 'red stones'? This is all relatively high-level polish stuff, because your baseline here is solid: clean prose, clear narrative, good hook.

It's a small press anthology that's going to fund on kickstarter. I'm not allowed to announce the title/organizing principle yet, but my story was 4,650 words. I found out about it from the new markets tab on the submission grinder (http://thegrinder.diabolicalplots.com/Default.aspx) you guys all use the submission grinder, right? The guidelines said they were aiming for an even sci-fi/fantasy split, and I wrote an eldritch horror/mythos thing that could be counted in either camp. No real tricks. I made a normal blind submission and then followed the editor on twitter, so I found out when rejections were getting sent out, and I kept not getting one, and then I got an acceptance. Seriously though, if you're trying to publish, sign up for the new, customizable newsletter the submission grinder offers. it's a great way to find new markets.

Alright, you've seen this before, at least some of you have. I've done edits from the last set of comments and just for wordsmithing. This go round, I'm most interested in anything that feels superfluous or too spare, still trying to dial in the right final length for the piece

Okay two main comments: I liked the disjointed diving scene, but maybe dial back the disjoint like, 20% it was a little vertigo-inducing as a reader. Second thing: given what you've said about the length of the whole piece, your second submission, the story about the potion seller, is taking up a lot of real estate without being well tied to the rest of the narrative. If it doesn't have a payoff by the end, consider cutting it entirely.

On the focusing subject, I'd say just embrace it. I have a dual monitor setup, and when I'm working but having focus troubles, I'll open a game on one and the work on the other, then bounce back and forth. Generally gets more work done in the end than trying and failing to push through. Also, thanks for starting this thread, because I wasn't going to make a thread for it, but I really want to tell everyone that I got my first acceptance to a pro market on Friday.

I'm a bit late to this, but I've had a busy week. Pro: this was the most engaging chapter yet, and I really felt myself drawn to read on and on, I like the doors the stitching. Cons: I don't understand how the quilt works at all: are their patches of different shapes, or are the shapes embroidered on squares? There's still some uncertain maturity from the narrator early in the chapter. The language different people use seems anachronistic to each other. I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out when and where in the world, or the closest equivalent if this is secondary world, this story is set.

Is there still a spot for next week? I'll have new draft of "on Falcon's Wings" ready by Monday.

Nah, the title is nice, but I want real powers (earthsea style, none of this mangled latin and wands crap)

No, I take the point about the magic costing something, and that should be happening, but I won't be adding any more precise revelations about how things work under the hood.

As a general note, you're not mostly going to see a Sandersonian level of magic system detail from me. I like things a little more mysterious and a little less physics-like.

Thanks to Robinski and Shrike for those line edits. I'll see you many lines are still there once I've done to bigger stuff. I think I'm going to keep Idris as a name, partly because I do want at least one name that immediately flags the characters people of color. I imagine the whole thing as ancient north-african Mediterranean coast, and the name is an easy way to signpost that. I'm doing a first pass today, so maybe next week or the one after I'll have another draft.

Well, I suppose I haven't introduced myself here yet. I'm 26. I read a lot. I have a part time job, but I'm actively working on publishing and moving to writing as a full time job when I can. I've got 9 short stories good enough to submit making the rounds, and I'm polishing a fantasy novel (secondary world, fairies, trauma). I came here because writing excuses has really helped me think about the craft and because I couldn't find an in-person writing group near me. I want to be a wizard (or failing that, Neil Gaiman) when I grow up.

If you've read Max Gladstone's craft sequence, it will make sense when I tell you that this story was inspired by my reading of it. No worries if you haven't. As usual, I'm interested in Mary Robinnette's beta questions: what confused you, what didn't you believe, what was wonderful. I'm particularly interested in this one about he amount of exposition/world detail, whether it's good, too little or too much, and the relatability and believability of the characters. Thanks to everyone for reading.

I have story ready to submit that comes in a 6,463. I'd love to submit, and also to take people's temperature on just sending the whole thing.

Pov is a little weird, that harms the flow. Also, you can prune a bunch of telling/transition words: "surprisingly", "in fact" etc. which will make things smoother. The tone is pretty flat. I don't feel much emotion here. Everything is very matter-of-fact. Alfred's basically still a cypher, because I'm not getting his internal monologue or emotions for most of the piece, and when I start to, I don't really understand his motivation.

I like everything I've read here, but it feels like I've started 3 stories now, instead of sinking into one. There are so many threads being picked up, but nothing seems like it's come any closer to a conclusion. How long is the whole thing? I'm also still feeling a little uncertain with the boy. He doesn't have a fully consistent vocabulary/maturity level in his dialogue and narration, and sometimes the dialogue feels like the older part, which is a little jarring.

No, that's all I've got in this draft. I haven't actually gone through all these comments carefully yet, because deadlines for other projects are looming, but thanks to everyone for commenting, and I'll be taking time with everyone's responses in the next few weeks.

Okay, as others have said, the broad strokes of this are great. My major note here is that the tone of the opening part, before Trahearn tells the little nonsense story, is all over the place. I think you'd be better served to pick between the youthful fear or the pleasant recollection of the older narrator and make the scene about one or the other. Also why is greyhare one word? It's pretty clearly just a grey hare.

Showing it isn't a great thing to is really the crux of the problem. The issue is that, unlike cutting in the real world, the intentional self harm of the story serves a purpose, and isn't necessarily viewed negatively in the space of the narrative. That's what I'm concerned about.

Last time: After locating Gwydion's base in Dyflinn, Connor and his allies prepared for an assault the next day, only to be ambushed at dinner by the Singer, who bound them with a paralyzing spell. Gerri, immune to music, Gerri fought off the few sellswords Gwydion had brought, but was felled with a poison smoke conjured by Gwydion. Now Connor has seized command and leads the remaining band to find a ship and pursue Gwydion, for blood and vengeance. As before, I'm interested in pacing, in characterization, whatever occurs to you.