Eisenheim

So yeah, the problem with the dream revelation is that it means you break most of the promises you make at the beginning. The opening of the story seems to promise a conclusion that is about the nature of death, afterlife, the divine, good and evil, etc. or at least points to those questions. Those are big questions, and we spend time in a world that highlights them. waking up and realizing it was all his dream denies us any answers there. I haven't read wheel of time, but there's an immediate difference between a dream world that multiple people can access or that originates outside the dreamer and one that is just a regular dream. Dalinar's visions in Stormlight Archive are meaningful because they're not just the product of his imagination. They can answer questions about the universe outside his head. I feel like the best chance to fix it, for me at least, is to spend less time on facts and more on emotions. Immerse me much deeper in Harth's reactions and feelings, and maybe I'll care about his personal growth. As matter of fact as things are now, I care a lot more about the questions than the characters. Also, consider foreshadowing the end. Have Harth return to nonsensical nature of this afterlife, question why the creator would need a setup like this. After initial confusion, he accepts it seemingly at face value, and that makes me as a reader do the same, because he's my window and he knows more about the world than I do.

seems like there's one slot left for the 11th. I've got short humor piece with a deadline at the end of the month, so I'd love to submit and have some time to work on it.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush. This hit some really bad notes for me. The thing with Magdi works alright in the end, but it needs to be clearer much sooner that they knew each other in life before. Until I got that, the whole thing was making my skin crawl. I don't really understand what happened in the battle he woke up late for. How did the enemy get through the men left to hold the doors? And the end. Please, don't make everything a dream. Please don't. It just kills it. I don't care about the characters in their lives outside the story. If those lives are worth caring about, tell me about them. Let me meet them in their real lives and care about them there. Right now, you've told me everything I invested in for the last 9,000 words was just a dream for Harth to learn the true meaning of Christmas, so it doesn't mean anything. All the questions about morality and the nature of god are moot, because it was all just in his head. I am really upset by that ending.

So, I don't want to hijack this on armaments. The one thing I'd stress is that the kind of formations you've described, along with the weapons you've called out, more-or-less require everyone on the creators team to have fairly big shields. Those geometric formations are a shield and/or pike style of combat. Just something to be aware of. In terms of flatness, I don't think it's pacing. I think it's the spareness of description. Everything is very matter-of-fact, so we don't get as much insight into Harth as we would if his emotions colored his narration more.

Okay, I like the concept. I'd love to be deeper in Harth's head or more fully pulled out for an omniscient camera. Feels a little flat at the moment. The kill counts really threw me off. I know a little about medieval and earlier warfare, which seems to be what you're aiming at, and I just can't believe a soldier, even one who fought for their whole life, killing that many people outright, so that they knew for certain. A second warfare buff issue is equipment. Is everyone just sort of pulling stuff from a grab bag or is it standardized, at least for the 512? Formations really depend on the weapons people are using.

This is a cool idea. I assume the rule of three intended is the one about celebrity deaths. That said, nothing that's on the page yet makes it a story, flash or otherwise. It's just the idea that the rule of three has a personified agency behind it expressed in narrative rather than simple exposition. I think if you want it to be a story, you need a character and character involving plot to go along with the idea, like they said in the most recent Writing Excuses episode.

I don't really understand this. Clearly, it's just the first part and we'll get more as the chapter goes on, but right now it feels like Willow is a stranger to the village, seeing everything for the first or second time, but she's grown up there, so that doesn't make sense. I think your highlighting things you want the reader to see, not what your POV character would notice and focus on.

Both of your language things are about old-timey. I'm aiming for europe sometime 1000-1400 CE, so helpmeet and the villain really just meaning peasant are both part of that.

Yeah, I think the best flash is necessarily ephemeral or unfinished. I like flash that actually puts a hard end on things less, because you can't fit a good, complete story without loose ends into 1,000 words. I think I could get why Wat is aiming for murder in without expanding wordcount too much, and I did mean for that to come across at the end.

I also get up fairly early. This is a flash story. Please tell me if it works or not.

I outline in hardcopy, a cool leatherbound notebook my sister gave me years ago, and then I write in word. Tried to outline on the computer, but it never clicked for me.

Took a look at your edited draft. It was illuminating, and you're right that I could cut that much, but I'm a little too invested in the prose style for changes that drastic. Gonna take another hard look before I send it anywhere, though.

Well, things have gone quiet here. I did have a question for longer term members, though. Has the group ever done any flash? I haven't seen any while I've been here, but I'm hoping to submit some on Monday.

I'll have flash piece ready for Monday. I'll take a spot unless we get a sudden rush.

I think a great way to get more information in without infodump is to use Baxter's already in place habit of talking to himself. You can have those little asides be much more explicitly revelatory for the reader without straining things.

Okay, yeah. The writing is good. Prose is engaging. Description felt right to me, with the purple coming from Baxter not the narrator and establishing his character more. Global comment: mysteries are fine, but you need to find some information you can reveal in these early chapters, to alleviate our frustration and make them mystery distinct. This section and the first one need major edits to make clear the fact that Baxter is missing memories. He or Kim or someone need to be aware of that and very explicitly call it out, because right now, I lack information and can't see a good reason I don't. Also, Baxter needs to explain his powers more or be surprised when they occur if he doesn't remember them. He started throwing around telekinesis there without any comment or prior warning. How is the possessor supposed to come off? Right now, I read them as an old friend who doesn't really understand that Baxter doesn't recognize them or know what's going on. If they're supposed to seem hostile, that needs to come across more clearly.

I appreciate everyone's comments here. I ask for specific advice partly because I don't have trouble not using it if I disagree, so it's nice to get as much detail in feedback as I can. On the subject of economy of words. I'm sure I can cut things from this, and all my stories without harming the meaning, but I care as much about the richness of description and the art of the prose. I'm not aiming for spare. I'm aiming for lush, as long as it isn't purple. That's where I think my skill sits, hence why I ask for particular places that drag. Then I can focus on reining in where I've gone too far.

Sure, but there's no reason to cut this for the sake of cutting. Most magazine that would take it now take up to 7,500 words, most that wouldn't cut off at 4,000. Unless it's dragging, there's not a particular reason to be ruthless in cutting it, hence why I've been asking for people's thoughts on where it feels like too much.

I understand that reluctance, I ask really because I tried to prune for redundancy on my last pass and this is as low as I managed.

Thanks all for the comments. If anyone has specific thoughts on where I could prune, that would be really helpful. I had trouble finding more that seemed superfluous on my last edit.

Oh, I'm going for R. K. Duncan. Sounds right for fantasy, no gender questions raised. The second is a sad marketing choice, but them's the breaks.

I don't know exactly what you mean by smooth. It's readable. I understand what's going on, and I don't notice any glaring errors. That's why I went straight to content feedback, rather than style.

To pick up the thread already going, I think you need the main character to state his emotions less and describe his sensations more. He's telling us what he feels, rather than reacting in the moment while we watch. Instead of using emotion words, let his emotions color ore descriptive language. How old is he supposed to be? By vocabulary and style, I put him as an older teen, but sneaking out to play ball and then going into the scary cave feels younger. If that's the case, he needs a vocabulary downgrade.

Okay this is really engaging, good prose, gripping story, but I am missing information that I need to be satisfied. Why does this man, who is damaged and computer reliant, have a high-stakes job in the police force, especially in France, a notably welfare-happy country? Who are the people discussing and then shutting off his NEU? that jump is confusing. Why does his memory break down entirely? Up to then, the rule was that he forgets when he sleeps, but seems to remember the entire period of waking. If that's not how it works, that needs to be made clear.

Okay, I have a question for you, Robinksi. As another man who is named Robin Duncan, if you're aiming to publish, what name will you publish under?