Eagle of the Forest Path

Tis the season to be Ookla, after all.

This feels like a good start to a story: it's obvious from the world-building what the conflict is going to be, but there's no clue as to how Maykn and Alaxtrim are going to be involved in it, which keeps the reader wanting more.

However, having read the first chapter, I wonder what the point of the prologue was. The prologue seemed to revolve about the letter which had to be read in 500 years. You made a point of saying the letter couldn't survive if it didn't make it to the temple, which it didn't. So if the letter won't be making an appearance in the main story, why do we need it as focus of the prologue? (There could be other reasons for the prologue, of course.)

P4. "Sword training every day you agreed to play Knights" - Shouldn't that be the other way around?

P5. "If you could sell it then you could probably find a vendor on Lorli trying to sell it." - Repetition of "sell it" in the same sentence.
Right beneath that, you have "watchful eye" two times in as many lines.

P6. Lumos: I really like the concept of rechargeable coins with variable value. Now I'm wondering how a full lumos becomes a half one.

P7. For the sound of the heartbeat, you could also go with a simple "whump" or "woosh". Unless I actually had my ear pressed up against something, I don't think I've ever heard the double-beat @kaisa describes.

P7. "It's like sixty-five degrees outside.It's beautiful." - Fahrenheit or Celsius? Because it's beautiful I assume it's a warm day, meaning it would be normal for Maykn to sweat. Personally, I try to avoid using any real-world units, unless it's really clear what I mean by them.

P12. "From what? Our lives suck, man." - That's exactly the sort of thing oppressors want to distract their people from. If their lives didn't suck, there would be no need for distractions.

P13 to 18. The Vorin starts off talking rather brutish ("What are doing?") but he ends up talking in full sentences with some rather big words, it feels inconsistent to me.

The world is intriguing, on the one hand you've got surveillance cameras and explosives, on the other hand, people are still fighting with swords.
I hope to see more soon.

PS

10 hours ago, kaisa said:

- page eight: having eat rat on a stick myself, I can tell you that this scene is not very accurate. They may be skinned, but street rats are bony and you really have to work for that meat. There needs to be more blocking here.

Sorry, it's off topic, but I have to ask: did this happen at a Terry Pratchett convention?

Hello again,

Here's the first chapter of Jet Black Medium.

Any advice or comments are welcome, but in particular I'd like to hear what you think of the dialogue/flirting. This is something I really struggle with, and I'll want to rewrite this several dozen times, so any feedback will make that go smoother.

Did I move over anything too quickly?
In the previous version, there were comments that I used some unfamiliar terms without explaining them (quaestor, lictor, ...). This time, I tried to insert a general idea of what they do into the text without actually spelling it out. Is this sufficient explanation for you, or do you still feel the need to grab a dictionary?

Eagerly awaiting your comments,

Eagle.

Me too for the 21st, please.

This is a great story. It could use some polishing, but there are some powerful elements in there, especially for something that was originally written in high school.
There are a number of unresolved questions, but that is kind of the point in this type of story, isn't it? It gives off a slight "David Lynch"-vibe.

She knew all too well that better was only the difference between dead and dying.
This is such an awesome line. I agree with rdpulfer, though, that you should put better between quotes; as it is, it makes the sentence somewhat harder to read.

On the downside, on several occasions you use wrong words for things, like you picked them from a thesaurus.
For example on page 1:

• causation: just use "reason"
• patrons: "guests", since she isn't offering services in her apartment

and on page 9 (because this one really bothered me)

• albeit: "except" or "besides" or "but"...

I also suggest you do a thorough punctuation revision. There are a number of dependent clauses that would be better between em dashes than commas IMO.

As a final thought, while I can't offer advice on doing further stories in this setting (since I don't really know anything about the setting), I counsel against continuing this particular story, I have a feeling it works much better as a standalone short story than as a chapter in a novel(-ette, -la).
edit: this is just my opinion based on this single chapter, for all I know, continuing Charlotte's story could be more incredible than I can even imagine.

The simple answer is writing a character whose only purpose is getting killed off as motivation for your protagonist.

You can find a full explanation on fridging here. (WARNING! this is a link to tvtropes.org, only click if you've got about 6 hours to spare)

7 hours ago, The Honor Spren said:

*adds to ever growing list of things to watch*

Eh. Lyrics aren't that hard for me. It's coming up with a melody that's hard. 
But then, I've only written full 1 song. I've also done an incomplete verse+chorus combo and the beginnings of another, which is really just 2 lines.
I came to a realization the other day that there aren't many tunes that haven't already been sung. There aren't many stories that haven't already been told. It was kinda depressing, actually.

7 hours ago, bleeder said:

I had the same realization, but with chord progressions.

There's a little story about the composer Brahms that I think would be appropriate here.

One day, Brahms was walking along a beach with a friend.
The friend complained that all good music had already been written.
Brahms pointed out to sea and replied: "Oh look! There's the last wave ever."

@aeromancer, Have you ever read the manga "Psychometrer Eiji" (or the reboot "Psychometrer")? Character B-1's powers are the same, so it might give you some inspiration. The manga is about solving crimes, though, so that's completely different.

Your story idea sounds interesting, I'd love to read it.

A bit late to chip in, but here I go:

This shows promise as the start of a story, but IMO you're going too fast. There's the info-dumping to begin with, and related to that, revealing that Alex is related to Peter right now has basically no impact whatsoever. If you postpone it until the reader knows more about Peter, Alex's relation to him will be a bigger deal.
Then, you're overloading on promises: the religious conflict, the secret group in the hidden chamber, probably a slave rebellion...; you can spread these out a little more.

In the first 3 sections you appear to be using 3rd person limited, but at the start of Alex's second POV you suddenly switch to 3rd person omniscient.

I hope I'm not too harsh in this, but your use of commas is atrocious. You put in commas where they have no right to be and leave them out where they are actually needed. There are too many places where you do this to begin listing them.
I won't mention spelling errors, since those would get caught by a proofreader anyway, but adding or losing commas can really change the meaning of a sentence, and it's not always clear which meaning is correct.

You also have a tendency to... I don't know if there is a proper term for this... "switch negatives".
For example: “We will let him live for now but neither will we help him." should be either “We won't kill him for now but neither will we help him." or “We will let him live for now but we won't help him either."

On the plus side, I really liked the bit of scripture. It feels authentic and it's fun that they have different interpretations.

Finally, I agree with Kaisa that this lacks a good hook. It think that's why it feels more like the start of an RPG than of a book to me. You're building good characters and have the start of a good setting, but while there are hints at a conflict, you're lacking something to make the reader care about the conflict.

I'd like to read more of this.

Official theme song of the Trump administration

Thanks, Hobbit, you bring up a lot of good points, which I'll have to think about at some length.

Quickly about the setting/magic: 
Dhé get summoned by priests (called Dhéonomists) and fulfil a lot of different functions (there's one that turns cider into liquor, for example). Some Dhéonomists occasionally moonlight as Fury Priests, summoning Dhé that cause mental or physical harm to people, and that's the illegal part. I'll have to mention the "legal priests" somewhere around that part of the prologue.

I guess there are some similarities to Rithmatics, the ten cent description of my system is actually "creating semi-sentient paper golems through ink drawings," which might be like 3D chalklings, in a weird way, maybe. There's a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes though, so to speak. (*mumble grumble* Rithmatics! *mutter mutter* nothing like it! *grumble mumble*)

I'm kind of rushed right now, but I'll go through the specific feedback later.

"Call me Ishmael." - Herman Melville, Moby Dick (Yes, it's already been posted here by @Darkness Ascendant, but it's such a classic!)

"It began with my father not wanting to see the Last Rabbit, and ended up with me being eaten by a carnivorous plant." - Jasper Fforde, Shades of Grey

edit: Oh! If epigraphs count, then I have to add: "I am, unfortunately, the Hero of Ages." - The Hero of Ages, Brandon Sanderson

Hey there, all. I held off on replying to your comments until the end of the week to lessen the risk of me justifying/defending myself.

On 10/31/2016 at 3:35 PM, Ernei said:

I don't see any purpose for the *. It doesn't seem as if any time passed between the two fragments, so why putting it there? And then you start with "he", which I guess relates directly to the hooded person from before? Generally, avoid starting a new fragment with a pronoun in third person, limited or not. The reader is prepared that you might change the POV when you put a * in.

Yeah, I didn't think of that. I don't really know why I put the * in there; I must have had a reason at the time, right? I think I felt that the getting to the meeting and the meeting itself were two separate scenes (and thus needed to be separated), but if it's confusing I'll leave out the section break.

On 10/31/2016 at 3:35 PM, Ernei said:

p.3

"The question was delivered in a croak, obviously faked and, surprisingly, female." - "voice" missing, I guess.

I... don't really get what you mean here. I think it's grammatically correct: both "faked" and "female" can (and do) refer to "croak". Just wondering, where would you put "voice"?

Glad you liked it, Ernei. I wasn't too sure about part of the summoning sequence myself, the other half (with the moving paper) is the only part in the chapter that I actually reused from the first version. No need to remember how the Dhé is named, I barely remember myself most of the time (though if you're talking about the word Dhé itself, I might have a problem) Thank you for the feedback.

* * *

On 11/1/2016 at 1:59 AM, kaisa said:

Overall

My memory says this is much better than the original. Right now though it sort of lacks urgency. I don't really care why the protag is asking to curse this other person, and I'm not too fearful or impressed with the surroundings. I think the storyline is there, it just now needs some tweaking and fill in.

Good to see you back!

Thanks! Glad to be back. I get you on the urgency part, but I don't know how to fix it yet. I'll probably go over it again countless times for the tweaking and filling in, but right now, I'm going to focus on getting the entire story on paper.

On 11/1/2016 at 1:59 AM, kaisa said:

- crab and 'scuttled' next to each other makes me think the man is a crab

Semi-intentional: I wanted a bottom-feeder vibe for him. I like when people notice things like this, to me, they're kind of like jokes.

On 11/1/2016 at 1:59 AM, kaisa said:

- reveal at end of page two really tells me more about the society than I think you might have intended

Probably. The society is somewhat gender-biased, but I think not as much as you might assume. It's not discussed directly in the story, so I'll say it here: Women have access to higher education (which is an important aspect of Thalan society) and aren't (legally) barred from any occupation. One of my protagonists is a female police detective, for example. The culture is more classist than sexist, really.

On 11/1/2016 at 1:59 AM, kaisa said:

- To the point where they had to cover up anything that could give away even as little as their age. Awkward. Had to read three times and I'm still not certain what you're trying to say

Gotcha, I'll try to fix that. The message here is supposed to be that Fury Priests are paranoid that anyone could find out who they were. They have to cover up anything that could reveal.. well... anything about themselves. If they think a client guessing their approximate age could give away their real identity, they have to cover up anything that's a clue to how old they are. It's also the reason she talks funny...

On 11/1/2016 at 1:59 AM, kaisa said:

- I think it needs to end on a stronger note. The end doesn't make me want to turn the page and dive into the first chapter

I'll consider that.

Thanks for the feedback, Kaisa. 

* * *

On 11/3/2016 at 6:59 PM, Mandamon said:

I agree with kaisa that is is better than the first time around.  I'll also agree it lacks some tension. Because we don't know who Burrus is, what he's done to the man, and why the man needs to do this so urgently, it's hard to care about the characters.  The description and atmosphere is good, and I think that saves it.

The Fury Priest sounds a lot like Yoda--enough so it takes me out a little.  You could probably tone it back a bit.

I remember being much more entranced with the first few chapters of this rather than this one.  The world is interesting, and I really like the paper and ink magic.

Burrus will make his appearance in chapter... 3, I think. I'm finding it hard to find a balance, I don't want to give away too much too soon, or I'll spoil one of my revelations. I'm planning that the readers can work it out for themselves, but the prologue would be insanely soon for that. On the other hand, it does drop the involvement.

I'll try to tone back the Yoda. I'll have to experiment with it for a while, so it's not too much, but she doesn't talk normally, either.

I hope I can hang onto the atmosphere after the prologue.
I'm glad you like the magic system, since I'm rather proud of it myself. I'm just sorry I don't have an opportunity to get into the mechanics behind it.

Thank you for the feedback, Mandamon.

* * *

On 11/4/2016 at 4:15 AM, Coop said:

Overall, I think I'm 50/50 on this piece. I liked the ink painting magic. (Just checking, is this similar to Sanderson's magic system in Rithmatist? I haven't read it yet; it's on my list.) I like the idea that the characters' identities are hidden behind masks; I'm hoping that will create some interesting situations for the characters. I also liked how the prologue jumped right into the scene and didn't drag.

Not at all similar to the Rithmatist (at least, IMO). The mask thing is only in the prologue, though, I hope you're not too disappointed? In media res, mate!

On 11/4/2016 at 4:15 AM, Coop said:

I struggled sometimes with your phrasing. Examples:

- "dividing the corridor into two pieces" - maybe it's the word "pieces" that made this read awkwardly.

- "A large turtle whose creator had chosen to depict in an unlikely purple told the man to follow" - that's a mouthful

- "the desire for secrecy of the person he was about to meet" - awkward

- I can't imagine "a stuttering breath" exactly

- "His hand cramped shut" - clamped, probably

-Would "parts" be better?

-How about "A large turtle - whose creator had chosen to depict in an unlikely purple - told the man to follow"? Though the grammar is a bit more problematic like that. I'll work on it.

-A bit awkward, yeah.

-"Halting", "shivering", "hesitant", ... ? I know what I mean, but I'm not sure how to put it on paper.

-Maybe. To me, "cramped shut" sounds more involuntary than "clamped". I'll keep this on ice for a while, look at it fresh later.

For the investment (or would "investiture" be more appropriate here?  ) in the characters, I'll refer to earlier in this post. Clues will follow.
I'm happy you want to read more, you won't be disappointed (meaning I'll submit more chapters, I can't guarantee you won't be disappointed about what's in them.)

Thank you for the feedback, Coop.

* * *

I guess that's it for now. Stay tuned for more Jet Black Medium, same Jet Black time, same Jet Black station.

Eagle.

2 hours ago, TKWade said:

I get that. I still think, even with people of privilege throughout the process, they should be able to catch stuff like this. There should be systems or practices in place to catch it. If race is an obvious theme in the book it would make sense for PoC review the content before it's published. I don't know if that's the best way or not, or if there is a better way. Being an individual of the most privileged probably doesn't make me a great judge of the overall process either. It's just sad.

I believe authors, publishers, agents and editors asking for PoC's opinions should be an indispensable part of the review process when dealing with race themes in a book (or stories in any other medium). However, actually putting in place a system to ensure that it happens is straying a bit too close to censorship for my peace of mind.

It sucks that books with (subconscious or otherwise) racist messages still get written and published, but from my (admittedly white middle class) perspective, forbidding them from being published* would be even worse on principle.

*in the form the authors envisaged them

Hello everyone,

When you're waiting for your train that's already twenty minutes late at the end of a long day and all you can think about is jumping on the tracks...

... and steelpushing your way back home.

It's been a while, but I'd like to submit Monday the 31st.

12 minutes ago, AnanasSpren said:

Rewatching s7 and you reach The Angels take Manhattan...I can't rewatch it, the feels man....although...

If the Doctor couldn't travel back to 1930s NY, why didn't Rory and Amy just travel to another country and get picked up there?

Because of wibbly-wobbly in the timey-wimey?

18 hours ago, Hobbit said:

Has anyone else read The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch?  

See page one of this thread.

The Star Wars neutrino thing is moronic indeed. Stretching the limits of plausibility to tailor expressions to a setting should be avoided.
Swearing and profanity are a whole different argument IMO.

Don't those cutesy, made-up swearwords exist specifically to avoid profanity? So as not to get an "unsuited for impressionable minds" sticker slapped on your book?
Okay, so that didn't happen to HP to my knowledge, but some people get kind of insane with that sort of thing.

I'm reminded of a Terry Pratchett anecdote:

In his novel The Truth, there's a character who says "-ing" a lot (literally, I'm not cleaning that up for the forum, in case you're not familiar with the novel). Some of the children (or teens) who read it started saying "-ing" too. Terry Pratchett was flooded with letters from parents complaining that he'd encouraged their children to swear and he should be ashamed of himself (I'm assuming the suggestions of what he should do got a lot more violent in a significant fraction of those letters). Supposedly, his reaction was basically that "-ing" was emphatically (and intentionally) not a swearword and what in darn heck were they getting all worked up about?

Just to say that you can find people who'd probably make trouble even about "storming", imagine the ruckus they could cause if Brandon had used the real f-word instead.

To me, the point of fantasy swears (profantasies?) isn't so much that they are shocking or disgusting in meaning, but that they be recognizable as a swearword (through context in most cases) and so give indications about the character, speech patterns or current feelings of the person saying them. If an author wants to do that without the risk of offending family values nutjobs (by which I don't mean everyone who has family values, just the people who take it too far), they've got my support. If they want to write their dialogue like an especially offensive episode of South Park, that's -ing fine by me too.

Has anyone given any thought yet about the tropics? On earth, they're called the tropic of cancer and tropic of capricorn. The point is that as your arctic circles move toward the equator the tropics move away from it, so that if your axial tilt is 45° they're the same thing. No idea how that affects the climate or even much of day length, I just wanted to remind people that it's not just about the arctic circles, there are other factors at play.

No idea if the following suggestion is viable, but what if the story is set on a moon? If the planet the moon orbits is extremely reflective, it might act as a second sun in some respects, without the whole binary star-system problematic. And the cold season is when the moon passes behind the night-side of the planet, with the two-week night period being when the planet blocks the sunlight (moon is on an orbit with a steep angle to the elliptic), the two week sun period is when the moon is directly between the planet and the sun, so the direct daylight and the planet-reflected daylight cover (nearly) the entire surface.

Can't help with the biology, but everyone's suggestion of watching documentaries is probably a good one.

My personal mantra is "nearly everything can be improved by the addition of bacon." So you could have your invisible reptiles smell like bacon, that's pretty weird, right?

@Spoolofwhool 800 miles of lake at around 10 miles per hour means 80 hours of sailing, not 80 days. But since that's not relevant any more...

Crossing the continent by land would be time-consuming, since your civilisation doesn't have steam-power yet, they don't have railroads. Transportation would have to rely on regular roads with wagons drawn by horses or whatever beast of burden you fancy having on your world. This would be further complicated by terrain such as mountains, forests or swampland. Under those conditions, 2400 miles would be a challenge, but not an insurmountable one. And again: time-consuming, so don't transport perishables.

It's actually the Aon Seo from Elantris, it only resembles a swastika.

As to whether it should be changed, I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot shardblade.

For an example of an "alpha female" that's rather more nuanced than the average, I suggest you watch some of Awkward. At some points I actually felt sorry for the mean girl (which was the whole idea of the character of course, but still...).