Eagle of the Forest Path

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

...a montage of travel LOLs...

I just got a mental image of Moth and Quirk playing ping-pong, for some reason.

It's rather early, I know, but I'm asking for a slot on the 10th.

This was fun to read.
I've been able to connect with Origon pretty well since the start (though I suspect I might be in a minority there).
I managed to keep (most of) the council members straight, but it is still a lot of information to take in. I don't see a way around it in this case, so it might be a good idea to give a little reminder if a council member shows up again.
Concerning Rilan in Ch 7, well, I'm learning things about her and her mindset, but I don't quite feel I'm connecting with her yet.

Some LBLs:

Nice start to Ch 6, underlining the differences in perspective between species and how they value things.

p2- "No crest to lie about his emotions, ..." I'm having trouble parsing this phrase.

p2- In the same sentence, I'd put "in any case" before "the Nether": as it is now it could be read as "there is no circumstance where Sam is happy".

p3- "sheer walls" (unless they use them to shave sheep? )

p3- "chip in the Sureri’s ear", nice detail and a telling hint at Origon's history and personality, without being heavy-handed.

p4- "Who is this boy?", I suggest replacing or rephrasing this question, as the following sentence proves Jhina already knows who he is (but not much about him).

p5- ", but there were honey colored spots..."

p6- "... protests here over Aridori scare." I believe "threat" or "unrest" would be better here, since (IMO) "scare" implies there are no grounds for the fear (and Freshta apparently believes there are).

p7- "There was a collecting shuffling..." collective?

p10- very evocative description of Sam's actions

5 hours ago, Djarskublar said:

... terrain is clearly considered ...

like in: "You can't win. I have the high ground."?

The thing that bothers me most about (a lot of) fight scenes is when the protagonist gets knocked around for most of the fight, takes a lot of heavy hits until they're a  bloody pulp and then gets in a single, lucky, low-to-mid-level hit and suddenly they supposedly won the fight. Do all their antagonists have glass jaws or something?

I think I remember reading the word blaster in books by Asimov. Starship and speeder sound pretty generic. I'm pretty sure podracer is Star Wars-specific, though. No idea about repulsorlift. 

Why do you ask?

I say go for it, @Robinski ! Just make sure to credit your father-in-law.
That is so cool you get to have those letters. I'd probably frame them (or frame copies and keep the originals in an airtight vault).

What I find most tragic about Vance is that because his magic got co-opted by D&D (and subsequently copied by every derivative wannabe RPG studio) it feels really unoriginal. The cruel irony of course, is that Jack Vance basically pioneered the concept of subjecting magic to (at least some) consistent rules, which was an incredibly inspired innovation in it's day. (...the  quadruple 'in-' alliteration is pure coincidence, btw)

Ah, it's actually a fantasy setting, so I'm afraid anything too science-y won't mesh well.

Sealight does sound good, but I'd rather use that for something mysterious you see hovering over the waves at night, you know? As in:
"The sealights came out again last night," said the harbormaster.
"Aye, 'tis an ill omen," an old sailor growled.

Thanks for the input!

The world-building for the story I'm currently writing includes the use of luminescent sea organisms (aka sea sparkles IRL) in lamps.

Basically it's a jar full of seawater with the tiny organisms in it. You shake the jar and it agitates the sea sparkles, making them light up.
People have to regularly feed their lamps (I'm thinking powdered seaweed) or they weaken and eventually die. 

The one thing I'm stuck on right now is a name for the lamps. Current options are sea-lamp, waterlight, merlamp, glowbottle and bluetorch.
Thoughts?

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Oh, and it's written in mock screenplay format - affectation or engaging?

Since you want to give agents and editors (and presumably readers) a preview of what they'll be getting later on in the book, I doubt it's a good idea to write this in a completely different style/format. That would be breaking authorial promises, for a start.

And while a short piece like this is fine in screenplay form, I remember reading The Importance of Being Earnest and the format got sort of annoying after a while. (But that's just me, though.)

10 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

So, question. And this is more of an opinion, no-wrong-answers kind of thing, not a Serious Question About the Craft. 

Do you think it's possible to raise the stakes to life-or-death levels without killing off a major character? 

Yes, absolutely.

For example, a story I've currently got in the planning stages involves a vial of incurable plague in the hands of a less-than-scrupulous faction of freedom fighters.
Usually the threat of death can work just as well as an actual death.

... hold on, am I confusing "stakes" with "tension" here?

Welcome from me too, @Wisps of Aether. Reading the submissions of this group is certainly an option to get some inspiration, but I feel it's more suited to polishing a story after you've already got the ideas. Throw the spaghetti of Writing against the wall of Critiques and see what sticks.

For new ideas (posting yours, seeing others') I'd recommend the Creator's Corner, more specifically the Creation Daily thread (though that's died down somewhat lately).

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think because we don't really know what L's job is at that point. To me, a person on the street is not going to go up to a cop and start telling him to do his job. Once we learn she's going to be basically a detective, it makes more sense.

Aaah! It's WRS then, in the previous chapter another quaestor (or detective IRL) gets assigned as her mentor. Thanks for clarifying.

@industrialistDragon Thanks! Things 1 and 2 will be incredibly useful once I feel ready to tackle this chapter again. It should also help for all the other JC/LC interactions.

... and she wasn't actually getting carried. More like dragged along with an arm around her waist, must have described it poorly. (Carrying would make it more difficult to get through a crowd, I'd think.)

So, reading between the lines here *cough cough*, I'm catching some *ahem* subtle hints that people don't like Janus and how he interacts with women.
(Nice catch by @industrialistDragon, btw, Tony from NCIS is basically what I'm shooting for, apart from the phys.ed. major in college.)
I'll get my hands on some reading material that might give me a better foundation on this (I already mentioned Jane Austen) and try to fix it, but first I really need to move on to the next chapter or risk going nuts.

Individual replies below, but I'm not going to comment on your feedback about the LC/JC interaction in the interest (as stated above) of my continued sanity, rest assured though that your thoughts on the matter are appreciated and are duly being taken into consideration.

Mandamon

kaisa

rdpulfer

Robinski

industrialistDragon

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone!

Another fun read. I have no story level issues at the moment. I'll skip over the typos and just give you some LBLs.

p.62 Top of page. I'm not convinced Quirk's question is technically sarcasm or that he and Moth qualify as quipping here (suggesting a hyphen between out and quip, btw). Actually, I don't know I've ever seen Moth being witty (usually she's just rude or obscene) so I don't really feel her outrage about this. (Outrage about Quirk talking back to her at all, yes, but not about him being better at it than she.)

p.67 I love the Last Crusade quote. (I'm actually kind of surprised I'm the first to mention it)

- "...and eyeballed into his mail." get rid of "into" I think.

p.70 "Yes, they were made from synthetic...", you have two "buts" here, which confuses things; and "sturdy plastic and metal" is basically repeating "synthetic materials". I'd cut the part between "Yes," and "their design", but since I'm not sure what is actually the main point of the sentence that might not be the best option.

p.74 "He didn’t like them, because they got a person shot faster than if your first inclination was to run, but he actually was a fair shot." convoluted sentence construction. Consider reworking that second clause (i.e. "because they...")

Stickers can be good. And picking up from @industrialistDragon's wood suggestion, keychains maybe? Though that could get expensive quite fast.

Maybe someone's willing to switch to tuba or sousaphone?

Okay, I need to start reading some Jane Austen, because apparently I don't get this romance shtick at all.

Expanding more on O.'s thoughts and observations is helping to give him more depth as a character, as do the gestures you've added here and there, like tapping his robe etc. (he's still not likable, but I think that's what you're going for).

The arc is much better: not immediately dragging the (possibly deranged) stranger in front of the ruling council makes a lot more sense IMO. It's still a bit info-dumpy, considering that S. is supposed to be a quivering phobic mess for most of the chapter. Any segment introducing a new world to an outsider character is going to be expository, but it feels a bit off to do that in some alley with a person who needs medical magic to function outdoors. 

That said, the only exposition that feels forced is the stuff about the Ari. Both O. and R. clearly still believe S. is an emigrant Meth. (or that's how I read it) so the theory that he's actually an Ari. came a bit out of nowhere for me.

I believe the changes you've made here are going to make it easier for you to move the story forward without it feeling rushed, and I'm curious (and eager) to read more.

Hello,

I'd also like to submit on the sixth, please.

Cruise liners are so ridiculously big that supposedly it doesn't even feel like you're on a boat unless you're in a storm, though.
(unless your dislike is not tied to motion sickness?)

edit: ship! I meant ship, not boat.

3 hours ago, kaisa said:

Yesterday was my book birthday! Wheeee!

Do they make cards for that? "Congratulations, it's a paperback!"

Seriously though, congratulations.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hmm, I don't feel that strongly about it but... Since you mention it, a quick check indicates that nauseated is a verb and nauseous an adjective. On that basis, Q would be nauseated by the toxin, but the toxin would make him feel nauseous. Because the internet's always right, obvs.

I've sort of been working under the assumption that "nauseous" is an alternative spelling for "noxious", meaning it would apply to a substance instead of a person.

To use your example: "Q is nauseated by the toxin, so the toxin is nauseous."

I like the carpet stains joke.

"Q. did not usually... in control." odd use of commas here.

"He looked... over, hard, but... unlikely" I think this would work better as 3 separate sentences: "...over. Hard. But that..."

"‘And’ it cannot wait?" I don't see how "and" indicates a link to the illness.

Unexpected twist, the guardianship deal is not where I saw this going. I am looking forward to Q. and M. interactions, those have the potential to be hilarious, gut-wrenching, or anything in between.

I don't feel we get enough of an explanation as to why T. picked Q. to take care of M., yes, there's some reasons on page 51, but they're a bit far from the rest, so they appear rather disconnected from the other end of the argument.

"two-point-eight six" add a hyphen between eight and six as well, I think. ... hold on, it went from 7,2 to 2,68? Is this supposed to be incentive?

Is M. gonna have to keep spitting on Q. or was the neuro-toxin a one-time thing? If the latter, it's sort of confusing: the moment M. deactivates the poison, doesn't her uncle lose leverage for the contract? If it is a "rinse and repeat" antidote, I think that needs to be specified. (Also, what would happen to Q. after the seven years are over?)

Is there a reason the guys in the hazmat suits are androids?

As usual, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

But who can we rely on to count up the votes?