Majestic Fox

It's good. Keep writing. How far off the end of the first book do you think you are?

Magic fruit and slavery. This is an unusual story. I like how bold you're being with the setting. There were some nice details in this chapter. The frozen wine in the fight at the end in particular struck me as vivid. Those kind of original, imaginative details really help to bring a story to life. For the most part I was engaged in the writing, but I also noticed I was a little bored in parts. For me, there's too much explaining of the magic system. You're at chapter 18 now. By this point in the story I suggest the reader should know how magic works, and you should have developed a short hand for describing it. Doing this would quicken the pace and leave more room for other stuff, like character development. Digging deeper into why I felt a little disengaged in parts - I think perhaps the first scene of the chapter might need more of an arc - more change, conflict, internal character development... I'm not sure. What do you think?

Ravaging, eh? Okay, here are my thoughts. It's interesting, but the character is far too static. There's too much telling and not enough showing. There's a lot of undramatised exposition here which slows the pace and makes the story feel a bit flat. Aspects of the world evoke my curiosity and make we want to know more, like how the city morphs and changes. That's good. But more generally speaking, how much of all this exposition is really necessary? I feel like this would be greatly improved you limited yourself to fewer setting elements and showed us the character interacting with them in a more dynamic and compelling way. At the moment he just kind of sits there pondering the letter. Put him into conflict with the world and show us the setting that way - through his distinct point of view. The writing itself on the passive side, and a little repetitious, often beginning with the character's name followed by a straight forward description of what he did. Reading through one of your favourite writers and analysing their page, paragraph and sentence structure will probably help you improve this. Ravaging aside, it sounds like you have some interesting ideas brewing up here. There's always a draw to front load exposition at the start a story, but try to resist, limit yourself, and find ways to evoke the reader's curiosity by withholding information.

I found this chapter more well written and more engaging than the last one I read (six I think... the one where Sabine appears from the shadows in the alleyway). I expect that if I'd read them all, I'd like it even more. Here are some thoughts and stuff: The mood of the story felt dark and gritty last chapter, and continues to generally. This chapter, a teahouse was mentioned. Does Blacklake have cream and sugar? Or just a scone? Joking, sorry. The presence of things like tea houses and art galleries creates, for me, an interesting juxtaposition to the dark and gritty tone. Are you doing it intentionally? There's a lot of thought process going on. It far outweighs the concrete description. That said, I'm enjoying his ponderings for the most part. You seem to be giving us more clarity than last time, which I think is a good thing, at least to begin with. Finding the balance between subtext and clarity is tricky. There's a little too much telling, not enough showing (in my humble fox's opinion). Reading... Man, this encounter with Watt is going on for quite a while. Is he an important character, or we just meandering here? What relevance does this art/engineering debate have on the heart of the story? Why am I reading this? Sabine felt intensely mysterious and otherworldly last chapter. This time she feels a little more human, especially when she says 'old fogies'. I like how Sabine and Blacklake are carrying on another conversation beneath the idle chatter with Watt. I think you could use that to even greater effect on a later revision. I like Sabine. She's a strong character. Enjoying her conversation with Blacklake, when Watt leaves. The dialogue here is more engaging, although this part (below) diminished her power a little for me: ‘Did you ever consider that I might have grown to despise myself? Or that I was lost in a sea of appetites, addictions, cast adrift from my humanity? Did you think that what happened between us was what I wanted?’ Man, I wish Blacklake would stop thinking and let the things flow. I was enjoying that conversation with Sabine. Your writing is good, Robinski. Take me deeper into your story, with greater pace.

Chapter four of Willow's story. I'll get round to writing a summary of the previous chapters soon, so apologies for any confusion. I'm inventing a fair amount as I go along, so revelations that happen in this chapter have not been foreshadowed in previous ones. Anyway, hope you like it.

Thank you, both. Very much appreciated.

I'll join Mandamon for submission this Monday if that's all right.

I enjoyed the chapter. POV remains strong, Distinctive minor characters again, Marut in particular. The world building is interesting and well layered into the story - I like you're not afraid to slow the pace and describe things in a bit of depth. My interest was held through most of the chapter, with one or two exceptions: Pg 6 - Lost interest a little half down the page when Belili is wandering through the palace. I enjoy reading about the magic much more when you show the effects rather than talk about them in a removed way, for example Belili noticing her own footsteps becoming louder vs Her hearing jumped a level. Same thing here: She used one Mulberry to teleport past a group of finely-dressed women, all with multiple streaks of color. This feels a little game like to me. I had the same reaction to Gwslow about the Olive thing. The ending was compelling (and would have been even more so if I'd read the whole of your story so far) but to me it felt like the chapter ended just when it was starting to get dramatic. Maybe the advised 5000 word limit for Reading Excuses forced you to end it there, in which case I suppose you don't really need to worry until the second draft. It was a good read. You have a distinctive fantasy world and writing style. Hoping to see this finished.

Chapter sent. Ritual suicide averted : )

Chapter three of Willow's story. It's a little rougher than the first, which is actually a good thing for me. Need to get better at blasting through the story on my first draft. Any kind feedback is welcome.

Silk, I haven't managed to finish my chapter yet. Working on it now - will send on later tonight if I can manage to get myself in the groove. If I don't, is it acceptable to send it tomorrow, or do I have to accept failure and commit ritual suicide?

I'd like to submit tomorrow with Mandamon and Soupersoup please. I have an unfinished chapter I really want to complete. Hoping this bit of schedule pressure will help me along.

Thank you Lerroy. Hope your exams went well.

Thank you for the feedback all. It's appreciated.

There's some good writing here, and suggestions of a compelling story to come. Most of all, I'm intrigued by the relationship between Julia and Jeffrey. Looking forward to when they interact. I understand we're supposed to stay descriptive in our feedback. I find this difficult. Let me know if you'd prefer me to refrain from expressing what I feel is missing. Here we go... The first thing that hit me was the sense of intimacy the story conjured. I like that Julia and the boy seem to have an unspoken connection. This has power. His violent outburst was nothing new. It was just one of the routines with which Julia had become quite familiar in the past few weeks, one of which she alone seemed to be aware. This somewhat removed ‘tell’ (as opposed to show) pulled me out of the intimacy you had created. The following paragraphs continue to skirt over the boy’s habits at a distance. I began to loose interest then. It came back when you started to get specific about the cards. Personally, I would have been gripped if this part had delved into the moment with vivid description of what’s going on in the present, especially the unspoken relationship between Julia and Jeffrey. You can sense it. It’s a power beneath the surface. I want to be pulled in. He would mutter to himself constantly about the different ranks and powers listed on each card in the deck. For some reason, this draws me into deeper empathy with him. In fact right now my empathy is stronger for him than it is for Julia. Granted, I did miss chapter one, but this is something to be aware of. I think you can balance it by showing some subtle emotional reactions in Julia – something to show us she cares about him. The need to escape was a feeling Julia knew all too well. The preceding sentence already told me this, and it did in a way that invited my imagination. This is the kind of redundancy that you’ll catch on a future revision, but I wanted to point it out because for me your story is so much more powerful when it’s leaving the subtext underground. What? Nothing happens with her and boy? I was looking forward to some kind of internal shift or subtle interaction. Oh, well. She’s looking at her piano now. Reading on... The colorful collection of travel labels and clever bumper stickers that had decorated the case since she was a teenager were now faded and torn, their words obscured by dust. Nice. Atmospheric, emotionally charged description of the physical world around her. More of this please. She made her way up the stairs and into the bedroom, intent on sleeping away the remaining hours until Christopher came home. She’s very passive. I get the sense that she’s trying to hide from herself – sleep to numb the pain. But there’s no indication of what she’s feeling. You conjured quite a powerful atmosphere of nostalgia and I want her reaction to that. I want to know how she feels. A single thought, action or physical gesture will do. The part where she’s reading and deleting her messages is great. She’s not being passive any more – she’s pushing the real world away with force. You can build on this in the sentences after she’s deleted the last message. Here’s a time to crack upon the moment, not skirt over things that happened in the past. How does she react to being fired? Turn the radio on? Pop a sleeping pill? She had tried to sit down at the piano once a few weeks ago but as her fingers brushed up against the keys she erupted in tears, shutting the lid with an aggressive BOOM that had made the strings quiver and drone. This is the kind of thing I’d like to see her do in story’s present. Too much is skirted over in the past. More show, less tell. Its severance was gentle, quick, and long anticipated. I like this line. The choice of using the word ‘gentle’ here gives me confidence in the your ability to tune into the more subtle dimensions of human experience – an essential skill for a story like this. Hmm… kind of strange that we've switched POV to Jeffrey right at the end of Julia’s sequence. She suddenly felt a pang of nostalgia for the days when he would cook for her and she would excitedly await whatever mouth-watering new recipe he had decided to try. She pined for those days because at this moment, however beautiful the food on the plate was, and regardless of how much love she knew had gone into it, she knew that her deadened appetite would allow her to eat only a few bites. I challenge you to convey all of this in a single line. She took another sip of wine and felt the warmth of the alcohol blossom in her chest. Another good line here. I like the contrast you’re creating between her cold emotional state and the warmth of the drink. This is good writing. Hmm, I don’t feel gripped by what they’re talking about. There’s nothing really new going on here that we didn’t already witness first hand. As a reader, I can sense my desire for the story to accelerate forward now. Too much reflection has me beginning to feel bogged down in the past. She wanted to be his guardian angel, watching silently from the garden but somehow shielding him from the pain that circled him on all sides. This is exactly what I want to experience her doing.

Interesting. I like how irreverent the character is. I like how you haven't info dumped. It has intrigue and style. The first line didn't grab me as much as I felt it was design to. I'm particularly sensitive to this, but it felt like it was trying to be a powerful first sentence hook. After that I was drawn in more. I enjoyed the conversational attitude of this guy who's talking about something far out. To me, the more that dying is a familiar thing to the character, the better it works. It works less well when he calls attention to it like here: It really all depends on how many times you've perished, and how often. At least, that's my observation. Rain Palace made think I was reading fantasy. Molecule-thin made me think it was sci-fi. Gravity told me it was sci-fi. How is the character able to talk about Otter Pops with the Empress in the space of time it takes to swing the light-saber through his neck? I absent-mindedly hummed along while I waited for the reset. I like this – it’s a run of the mill scenario situation for him. I’d like it even more if it were grounded in more concrete description. Overall, it's good. I wanted to read more.

The final book will interweave Willow and another character's story, chapter by chapter, but never mind that for now. I'm going to write the first five of her chapters, then the first five of his. Changes made to Chapter One: Introduced the vora (large herbivores that migrate through the hills above the forest in enormous herds) Taken out the final scene with Willow and Olga, reworked it into this chapter Thanks for taking the time to read. Any kind of feedback is appreciated.

Thanks Mandamon. Appreciated.

Not sure if that includes me. I requested, but no worries if not. Don't want to push anyone out.

Hello Silk. I'd to submit for this week coming up (Monday 18th) if possible.

Thanks Robinski. Much appreciated.

There are parts of this that draw me in. I like the dark, intriguing tone. You have a stylish way of writing. I can sense what you're trying to achieve, and in the final draft it could be a beautiful thing. Here are some details: - I like the use of place names, it helps make it feel authentic. That said, I think the first part is a bit excessive with the listing of streets. - Like how alluring the idea of using his power seems to him. This draws me into the character. Seems like something intriguing is going on here. - There's some word repetition but you'll get that on the next draft, so never mind - I shouldn't have bothered writing this sentence. Ah, one thing I reckon will help though is reading it out loud once you've got to the end of the draft. Will make it all flow better. - (Half way through Pg2) Cut to the action a bit quicker. He's deliberating too much. Hurry up, Black Lake. Pull me into your story! - Nice execution of him using magic, but then it felt a bit too soon before he 'snapped back from his search.' - He keeps noticing trees. Why? - I like the part where he steps into the darkness on page 5 / 6. This is the first time I've been intrigued by what's going on. I like that it's something beyond his understanding, and mine. Yes! More of this please. (Quick note: the formatting distracted me a little bit - was cool, but a little ott). - I wish Blacklake was a bit more passionate about something. Or that I had more insight into his emotional world, even if he’s resisting that world, I want to experience the resistance, and understand it. - I like how Sabine is introduced. You do this with elegance. It draws me in. I want to know more. - It’s very introspective. And retrospective. And abstract. I think you need more conflict. Start late, finish early applies. Keep the pyramid of abstraction in mind on your rewrite, and fuse that with vivid description unique to Blacklake. - A useful tool might be to look at how you can bring the character into the conflict on three levels (inner, social, and extrapersonal) - The story feels more varied and alive once the characters begin dialoguing with each other Are you finished your pondering yet, Rutland?

Just finished reading - I quite enjoyed it. You'll have to take my feedback with a pinch of salt, since I'm jumping in after missing the first thirteen chapters. It's well written. You've got a good balance between pace and immersion. This setting interests me - doesn't feel like something I've encountered before. I felt the hole in my knowledge of the world as I was reading - I didn't have a grasp on what kind of world this is, but then you've probably elucidated that in the other chapters. I enjoyed inhabiting Belili's point of view. I like how opinionated she is, and how observant. You're evoking the setting through the lens of her experience and personality pretty well. I hope for more of that. I'll withhold judgement on the hair colour thing... I'm hoping it will be connected to the setting and magic in a deep and unusual way. The magic fruit idea is interesting. Again, I hope you blow my mind with the depth and sophistication to which you've woven the magic fruit into the culture, economy, ways of life and the psyches of the people who inhabit the world. Seeing the magic in use at the end of the chapter, it feels fairly straight forward. I didn't feel all that captivated or enthralled. Didn't really feel like they were in any real jeopardy. I would have been more engaged if something unexpected and terrible happened in that scene. Granted, her sister disappeared, but she didn't really seem bothered by that. At the end of the chapter my reaction was "What!? She's not even going to try and find her sister? Isn't she worried?" In terms of character, I thought you did a good job evoking their distinct personalities. Even the Khanni felt reasonably distinctive. I wanted more from Gemiti though. She seemed a bit dry to me. Little bit of an exposition font. In summary, I like it! Strong point of view, good description, distinctive characters. You trust the reader to work things out. Dialogue feels real and is well balanced by the amount of description. Keep it up. Looking forward to reading more : )

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it. For me, writing often is not all that fun. It's difficult and I can give myself a hard time, so your encouragement is really helpful. Honestly speaking, I probably put a bit too much effort into lifting the quality of writing, partly because I knew it was going to be read by you guys. I don't think this is a good practice for a first draft, since I might end up axing large swaths of the story. For future submission I'll try not to spend so much time on making it read well. Out of interest, what are your thoughts on this? Do you struggle with the same thing? I know soupersoup is battling a tendency to get lost in reams of description. Thanks again.

I can understand this. I really like Robin Hobb's advice (20 minutes in) of turning your internal editor down on the first draft. I'm not very good at this. Terrible in fact, which slows things down a fair bit. If I could choose to be someone who can blast of a first draft without worrying about how good it is, then I would. If you're more of a momentum writer (someone who gets inspired by progressing through their story more than the quality of writing), then it's probably a good idea to keep doing what you're doing. That said, I recommend allowing yourself a little more description on your first draft. There are some great podcasts on viewpoint and description. Also check out Brandon Sanderson's talk on Viewpoint and Description. Take note of the 'grandmaster skill' of fantasy writers. I admire the idea of writing more original ya fantasy. A worthy goal. Yvole studied the page, his eyes tracing the outlines of structures. Without another word, he swept up to the telescope, his robe trailing behind and flowing with each step like a curtain in the breeze. Pen backed away, looking between his feet at the polished wooden floor as he awaited his master’s conclusion. With third limited, your inhabiting the perspective of one character, so every bit of description should be influenced by their emotional state - their unique way of experiencing the world. When I read this line above I thought Well, that's a nice image, but why is Pen noticing it? This relates to what Sanderson considers the 'grandmaster skill of fantasy writers', mentioned above. Don't worry about it, just get it on the rewrite. Same goes for a lot of this - you'll probably end up cutting whole scenes, so line editing at this stage isn't the best use of your time. (Wish I could follow my own advice here - damnation that internal editor). Go back and re-read A Song of Ice and Fire and The Liveship Traders. Those are two of the best examples of third limited I've come across in the genre. Study the crap out of them. Vivid, evocative description of your setting through the lens of your character. Insights into what emotions the setting is evoking in them. Show don't tell. With YA, I hear it's better to show a little more emotion in the characters than you would otherwise. There's a podcast on this somewhere, but the theory is that younger people have not had as much experience with body language, emotional 'tells', nor the way these are rendered in books The fact she is paying so much attention does most of the work for you. If the aerland had been there for a month she probably wouldn't be so interested in it. Yeah, don't worry too much about it now. Just keep writing : ) It's probably better to start with more words, then cut away as opposed to the reverse. But whatever works best for you. Some of my alpha readers have advised me to slow the pace and give them more description, which was a bit of a shock to me. One of my worries was that it was too slow, but I think that's to do with the fact that what takes me a day to write takes them a minute to read. Practice : ) And don't worry if it's not great. As Robin Hobb says "No body writes beautiful, compelling prose the first time they sit down". And that's coming from one of the best writers in our genre.