Majestic Fox

The email is still [email protected] right?

@Mandamon Great! I hope you guys are ready for Green Ocean chapter one version six hundred and forty one.

Yes please, Silk. Sign me up. Come on, come on. I can do this. Precious deadline pressure will pull me through.

Buddy request accepted, Mr Wisps. How are you getting on?

@Robinski. What a great post. This thread is living up to its name. Sent you a message on Nano.

1745 words for day one. It's 5:52 in the UK - I'm tucked away in a cottage in the Welsh mountains with a delicious coffee, sneaking a couple of hours in before work. How did you guys get on?

Let's do this. If anyone wants to conjure some mutual motivation, feel free to add me on: NanoWrimo - MajesticFox myWriteClub (recommended by Mary in the last podcast) - Majestic_Fox Good luck all.

I think learning to write this way is really valuable, so writing this story should be seen as time well spent. I quickly warm to stories that don't spoon feed me information, and scowl at ones that explain the obvious. Was I confused reading your story? Yes, but I'd rather be confused (at least initially) than be spoon fed all the key exposition as quickly as possible. Here's my honest, moment by moment reaction... Ah, first person. I like first person. The word door repeats a lot in first paragraph...a little jarring CAGAGAGAGAG.... What's going on? What does that mean? The characters sigh a lot Hmm..this distinction between gaming computers and modelling computers is strange. Gaming computers are often powerful enough to run modelling software, so it doesn't really make sense, but then this is a sci-fi world isn't it? So maybe things have changed..hmm.. The way she's interfacing with the protein is cool. I'm intrigued now. Lyn not wanting her to come into her room but Lisa wanting to be in her room... this is starting to feel a little tedious Wondering why 'White man' is capitalised Confused about this... "tiger pelt beneath my feet and then back at Lyn’s tense body posture" – did she kill the tiger with her bare hands? Finding this interlude a bit jarring: "Well, at this point going into comedy might work better than my life plan a couple days ago. No occupation really works well for someone like me, but there’s no point in becoming a geneticist if I’m just going to whittle my life away in school." Could work for me if it was super interesting or witty perhaps.. Why has their dad given them DNA? I might be told later, but right now I'm not on the same page as these characters at all Why are they happy about their dad dying? I like this imaginative description. "I take a deep breath and count my heartbeats, trying to create a monsoon in my brain to wash those two words." ...but this next bit is a bit overkill for me: "But while the words Huntington’s disease become slippery, my mind manages to keep its grip on the concept with bloodied fingers." Hm, what? They talking about clones now? I feel like there's a lot of high concept stuff being exposed through this dialogue. Show don’t tell comes to mind. "How many babies and toddlers do you think he’s killed?” - I'm confused here. How has their dad been killing babies? Might become clear later so I'll read on, but feeling slightly baffled The last point carried through until the end of the story...I didn't fully understand what was going on, but as I said at the beginning, I think it's great your experimenting with ambiguity / delivery of exposition. Looking back, I feel like I could have enjoyed the story more if Lisa and Lyn's personalities and ways of speaking were more distinct from each other. Toward the end of the story I felt like there was a lot of backstory and high concept stuff being thrown at us through the dialogue in a way that made the story feel a bit cloudy and pushed down under the weight of all the information that it's being forced to carry. I like seeing them navigate the proteins and would have liked more of that stuff - the characters in action, doing interesting things unique to this future world. I would have liked to have seen the sci-fi elements of the setting pushed further and elucidated with more depth - not just the central things like the holographic interface, but smaller things...the smells and the sounds from outside, the texture of the materials and the particular atmosphere of this sci-fi student's room. Good work, keep writing! More bold experiments please : )

Enlightening. That's some high quality feedback. Thanks people.

First part of chapter one. Any feedback welcome. Thanks!

Apologies for my late submission. Got hit with a deluge of editing work (excuses, excuses). Will try and submit tomorrow eve.

Fine with me as well. ('Who's that Fox?') If possible, I'd like to submit this coming Monday (7th March). Chapter one, second draft of The Green Ocean. Feedback for you is on its way, Marci.

Thanks for the feedback rhoyu. I'm interested to know if anyone understood why Thomas leaves in such a hurry. Ostensibly it's to call off the shipment, but there's something else going on. ‘Thomas!’ He grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face close to his. ‘You must know how I regard you.’ A strange tension filled the room as Thomas read the emotion in his eyes. He was trying to convey respect, but something else had come out instead. In previous chapters there will have been an unusual amount of description about what Thomas is wearing, the cut of his figure, how the light catches his fair skin etc. Ambrose isn't consciously aware of his attraction to Thomas, but he is attracted to him.

Thanks for the feedback, both. Insightful as always. Here's a bit of explanation for contractions in the story and new characters popping up.. It's basically a drawback of discovery writing. The story deviates from the original outline, which is good because it feels more organic and new story events emerge, and bad because things get left out and become a bit confusing. To get round this I have two outlines: one that maps the story I'm writing, and one that describes how it will look in the second draft. Ambrose's sister is a good example of this. After chapter two, the story was beginning to feel too plot heavy. Something felt like it was missing. Elenor fills that, but for it to work the way I want it to, she needs to come into the story earlier and leave later. As for his brother, he plays a crucial role in the story, but I wasn't sure how to weave that into the first two chapters so I've left it for the second draft.

Same. If the Ashley Duncan is the pen name, most people will probably assume the author is male, which is obviously a good thing if writing first person male.

Here's my honest, unfiltered feedback. Quick note: Your page numbering was off. Your page 2 is actually page 1, page 3 is actually page 2 etc. Pg 1: Good opening paragraph. Evocative. “Of course,” I said. I mean Drizzk said, a female elvish rogue whose countenance was the envy of all realms. Confusing. Jarring. He speaks little, and when he does, it’s usually impolite. These sound like they’re taking from a character description document. Also, past tense is broken with ‘speaks’ We approached the gate in silence until Drizzk, that’s me, the curvaceous and exquisite sun-elf rogue I find this really jarring. It really breaks the immersion. The narrator sounds completely removed from the story. It’s good that you’re establishing who the characters are but needs to woven in with more subtlety. Read The Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb for a masterclass in first person past tense. Page 2 Dialogue feels too modern (Dude, Jackass, Take a leak etc) Confused.. the opening paragraph painted images of a cave in a mountain. Now they’re in Califonia. Okay. Alfred Healy. They’re playing D&D or something. Interesting.. Pg 3 Reading on, mildly engaged. This isn’t something I’d normally read (outside of Reading Excuses), but the modern writing feels more at home in the modern setting. Feels internally consistent, not jarring like before. There’s a lot of character description. I don’t really care what they look like yet, since I’m not engaged in the story of their lives yet. Pg 4 Waiting for the story to get going… Pg 5. Chaotic. Lots going on. Feels kind of real but also a bit messy. It’s not conjuring a coherent, vivid experience in me. Still waiting for the story to get going.. Hope this email is interesting. Pg 6 This is a nice character detail: Al was merely bemused and I could tell that he was wondering how he could tactfully get off the phone and back to his game. Pg 7 Okay, now I’m engaged. The promise made is that this story is about fantasy and reality colliding somehow. I think you could have got to this point a lot quicker. If I found this in a bookshop I probably would have put it down before I reached the interesting bit. If this discover is so earth shaking (which it seems to be) why did Alfred not mention it sooner? All the other stuff in the previous 6 pages seems irrelevant in light of this. Pg 8 The characters are talking like academics now. A welcome shift of language compared to way they were speaking before (my bias coming in there). It adds some dimension, but this kind of academic postulating in real world setting might draw some heat from people who know their rust about history. I suppose the important questions here are how scientifically possible is this? And if the answer is ‘not very’ then how aware is the book of its lack of scientific probability? I.e. it’s not trying to trick the reader into thinking it has a firm academic grounding if it doesn’t. These characters feel very different from page 8 compared to how they were introduced. Pg 9 While the historical speculation is interesting, it feels like a little too much all at once. Bit of an info dump I suppose, before I really care about who these people are. Pg 10 The protagonist (Al?) insisting they join him on the dig is good. Gives the story pace and direction. #Jack# I find these character switches jarring. Makes it feel closer to a screenplay. Pg 11 Story is drifting into video game character interaction. This feels disconnected from the story to me, like it’s alternating between character, plot, character instead of synthesising the two. Personally, I’m interested by the plot but find myself skim reading these game related character interactions. I threw my hands in the air. “So that means that he's going to be humiliated and devastated when this cave man of his gets exposed as a fake,” I said. Voicing this possibility is a good idea. It connects to what I was saying earlier about the book’s awareness of its scientific credibility. The last paragraph feels rushed compared to the pace of the story up until this point. For a first draft it’s decent. I think it could be a compelling first chapter after you’ve refined it. I don’t yet a clear image of each character. Giving them more distinct dialogue and verbal ticks could help this. Anyway, good job. How long is the book? Who is it aimed at? Are you looking for this kind of critique or do want more encouragement to see you through to the final draft? Let me know and I’ll tailor my feedback. Cheers.

I disagree (in spite of my complete lack of knowledge about YA editors). I didn't really find it all that edgy. In fact, I suspect most teenagers would find it on the tame side if anything. Guess it depends where you're from.

Normally when I’m writing feedback I’ll stop at the end of every page and sling down my thoughts. I didn’t do that with this one, mainly due to the fact it’s well written. The language has a fluid cadence that kept me reading. It’s easy to absorb. Goes straight into your mind with no resistance or confusion. That’s not to say it’s dumbed down either. The sentences are sometimes fairly long and complex, but it casual feel about it, like you’re being spoken to. I didn’t find the story all that engaging. The only drama there was a bit of conflict between Mark and his family. Having to wear an embarrassing costume might insight more tension for other people, but not for me. That said, I was never bored. The character has a strong personality, and seems to have a fair intelligence and sensitivity as to what others might be thinking and feeling. There were some well observed moments in there, like the reaction to his dad when his mum sees him watching TV, and the unspoken communication between twins which Mark says he never wanted to be part of, but there’s a sense of alienation brewing around him. What else? Hmm.. the dialogue was good for the most part, but his dad’s ‘You listen to me boy’ line felt a little unnatural compared to the rest. I think is because it’s a bit of long piece of dialogue – people tend to speak in a much more clipped manner. Also, I feel like I’ve heard the line before. It’s a bit cliché, which may have been the intent but there was nothing that suggested the book was aware of it, if you know what I mean. Why is it set in Michigan? I hope there’s a good reason for this, or the spirit of that place is conjured in an interesting way. In summary, it’s a good piece of writing and a promising story. Judging from this first submission I feel like the strength of the story is going to be in the characters – their relationships, insights and the way they change. I hope the plot the compelling as well, but there’s nothing to suggest it’s going to draw me in. Yet.

Here's chapter three. Any feedback welcome. Cheers.

Okay, I'm back on track with my thousand words a day now. Ready to submit this coming Monday, if I may.

I need to bow out this week. Apologies for this. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Hope the writing is going well for people.

Hello all, May I submit next week please (Monday 24th)?

Right on, thanks for feedback on my feedback. I'm in Tallinn, Estonia right now. Heading out into the wilderness tomorrow (a 'holiday' with my girlfriend). I'll be resuming feedback and submissions when I get back to the UK. Good luck writing to you and all.

Apologies for the delay. I'm writing this on my phone at Manchester Airport on the way to Estonia, so please excuse curt sentences. Here we go.. Good description of his emotions: speaks of hours arc that they are more prevalent here than in earlier chapters. PG 1: The writing is good. More elegant transition instead of "His thoughts then went to Tarquin." PG 2: Is this the first time we've had this revelation about his desire to meet Anna / kill his maker? I get the impression this is what has been driving him, but if so then we should already know it, or such an important revelation should be given to us more dramatically. It's well written but there's still a lot of telling over showing. The good description of his emotional life eases this. Second paragraph: great description. The rest of the novel could really benefit from more of this quality description of his physical experience. PG 3: I'm engaged in the story. PG 4: Was looking forward to a bit of dialogue and fluid character interaction, but Blakelake's gone off on one of his ponders, imagining him and Sabine together. Whilst I can relate to this, it doesn't seem that relevant now, and it slows the pace. It seems you're already aware of this. "Such musings were irrelevant." Okay, so he just walks away from Sabine and nothing really happens. Why is this scene here? I'd lose it or expand it. PG 5: Too much dry thought exposition here. It's a case of telling over showing. Also, why is he thinking about Anna if Judith is much more present in his heart? PGs 6/7 I'm engaged. Tarquin's cold rage is quite sinister...although he seems quite a reasonable chap in his exchange with Blacklake. PGs 8/9/10/11 Okay, so that was foreshadowing with Sabine before. Still needs more to it I think. The question of whether or not Sabine has done the deed is compelling. It's good. I will need to find out. That's a great bit. Direct. Dramatic. PGs the rest Still enjoying it. Not quite sure how Tarquin ended up under Blacklake's power, but then I'm reading on minimal sleep so maybe I'm just being retarded. I like how you render the experience of magic. I much prefer this oblique style to slinging spells around willy nilly. Being in Tarquin's mind though.. It should be more interesting than simply seeking directions for Sabine. What secret might he find in his maker's mind? Actually I changed my mind. It becomes gripping when we follow the memory of Sabine to Judith. I'm left wondering what's going on with Tarquin when he emerges from his mind. The lose end is niggling at me as I read on. Bit bored when he's trying this mind search. The pace feels a bit slow and interrupted at times, given his urgency. I think you can afford to be a lot more concise here and cut to the chase a little more. The last tip from the cafe manager felt a bit convenient. I think Blacklake could pick up Sabine's trail in a more interesting and more concise way. I'll leave you to figure out what that is. Overall, it's compelling and well written, with flashes of brilliant description. Great job!

Still reading this one, but so far the quality of writing seems to have increased. I'm enjoying the read.