Majestic Fox

Great! I'm alive, writing. I'm trying out a rougher form of drafting (the one we spoke about, where you summarise a part of a chapter if its slowing you down). Just got back from family holiday so will be sending you more feedback soon. Hope everyone is well, and writing : )

Sent LBLs. This one wasn't as strong for me. Couple of issues... 1. Nothing much happens for the first 80% 2. Instead of delightful, opinionated prose, we get long passages of what seems like pretty irrelevant description. J’s opinion, when we get it, is probably the single most entertaining thing in this story for me. It’s what gives voice, attitude and humour to your story. More of it please.

Keep writing then. You're doing well. Don't want that to sound patronising at all. Just that it can't be easy to keep going with all our criticisms.

What draft of the story is this @Jorville?

Having some story issues this week. Apologies for the late submission. Don't think there were many people submitting work this week though. Hope everyone's writing is going well.

Me too. That's why Im giving it a proper try for one month. @Robinski do you what your average writing speed is for fiction? How long would it take you to write 1000 words?

Thorough, insightful comments here. Thanks @Mandamon, @shatteredsmooth and @Robinski I really appreciate it. This makes me more likely to return to it and finish the story after TGO. Cheers!

Sign me up for Monday please Silk. I'll give up my spot if we run out of space.

Sent you LBLs. I can sense an improvement in your writing in this submission (and story). The writing flows really well, the voice is strong. It has wit and charm. It has a good balance between pace and immersive description. Not without issues (see LBLs) but really good work for a first draft. Not sure where you'll be putting your chapter breaks exactly but would like to see more compelling story events occur within the chapters. Lion bones felt like a missed opportunity for me, but then perhaps I'm just hungering for awe in a story that isn't trying to deliver it.

Couple of disclaimers.. I've not read your previous chapters, so this feedback will only be so useful to you. That said, I think you can get an interesting perspective from someone jumping into the story part way through, so I hope it's useful. In the interest of precisely communicating how engaged I was at any particular moment, I ended up giving a score out of ten. This isn't me rating the page for quality of writing, it's just giving you an honest idea of how compelled I felt by the story in that moment. There are times when I'm reading highly regarded professional authors and my interest might be only be hitting a 6/10 for some sections. 5 is neither bored nor compelled...just a mild state of interest. If this is a first draft then what I want to say is well done, you're doing a great job and just keep going to the end. If you're in revisions then you can unleash the full power of your internal editor without fear of stopping before you get to the end (something I personally need to improve on). P1. Almost tempted by this, but not quite. It lacks the precision and authorial voice to win me over. I feel like you're going for a Eddings esq into, but the tone shifts from semi-authorial to conversational. What do you gain from keeping it? P2 I like the imagery and love phoenixes in general… I feel good that we’re in a character’s viewpoint now – straight away it’s more compelling. Feels a little over-weighed on the symbolic and the abstract. Death and rebirth are very interesting themes and I want to see them expressed uniquely. If you’re using a phoenix, then I think you have even more work to do to make sure they are specific and unique to your world, your imagination, and that this is communicated in vivid concrete description. There are hints of this, and the medallion is an intriguing element to throw in there. When I read that I was drawn in because it was specific, unexpected, and not overtly connected to death/rebirth symbolism. P3 (Scene 8) Good contrast with the scene before – what’s more down to earth than a headache? 6/10 I also like the idea of transferring the pain into the ball, though this could be improved with more specific concrete description (that’s true for my writing, and pretty much every submission I’ve ever read on RE… vivid, world-specific concrete description is not easy to write, and if you can do it on regular basis, inflected by the character's unique way of seeing then your writing will be in the top 1% of none professional writers imo). I’m not engaged by these big questions she’s asking herself, but that might well be to do with the fact I’ve not read the beginning of your story. I want to know who she is, what she loves, her personality, her relationships, what her home is like. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve already answered those in a compelling way and that by this point in the story I naturally empathise with her. If it’s a first draft then there’s a fair chance you won’t have done all that, in which case no worries : ) P4 Your writers instincts are telling you to pay attention to small details here, which is good. She’s worried. Ok...I’m mildly compelled as I read. Hoping to be drawn in deeper by character dimension by a plot event or a unique milieu.. 5/10 P5 State of mild engagement continues at 5/10 (less than that would be slipping into bordem) P6 Slightly more engaged (6/10)…Good description of her dying father. Incoherent sounds? Is he going mad? Less interested by the second para… show don’t tell applies here I feel. Can’t we stay in the moment with them? Wow, she left the room pretty quick. Feels like a missed opportunity to make me care about the characters. Nothing really happened… you bailed on the scene just after you introduced it. Don’t be afraid to slow the pace and spend a good few pages on this. If you go a bit deeper it will be more compelling. My interest drops back to 5/10 P7 4.5/10 ...small talk.. not sure what the point of this is. We’re well into the chapter and nothing much has happened yet. P 8 Description of E is interesting. I’m wondering about what she’s like as person. Slightly intrigued. I’m at 5.5/10 P9 Cool, a High Sorcerer – hoping for a unique take on a favourite old trope. 5.5 P 10 The characters are all so nice to each other. Niceties alone aren’t all that compelling. I drop to 5/10 and continue reading P11 Ah, the phoenix…feels like the plot is about to move somewhere. ‘Now I’m certain…’ How has A managed to glean so much from M’s mentioning of the medallion? She barely said anything. Feels like he’s a vehicle for exposition here. 4/10 P12 What? She mentioned the medallion, that’s what motivated him to speak about it. Confused. This knowledge about the solution for her father’s illness feels abstract, tenuous and far too easily acquired. Where’s the drama? P13 Ah, the healing fails. Good. My interest immediately increases 5.5/10 But…then the characters just exchange more niceties and farewells.. 4/10 P 14 (Scene 9) Feels like an abrupt jump here. Mild confusion. The Priests refused to heal her father? Or to give her the medallion. 5/10 Ah thievery, another favourite old trope. If this is the way you’re going then I’ll be needing a unique manifestation of the jewel heist or I’m liable to put the book down. M has been raised as a warrior… and it was a rogue who made the suggestion. This just smacks of DnD character types. This might not be true, but it suggests the author lacks nuance. P15 and 16 E’s story about Xav stealing the crown is quite funny. That kind of thing would push me toward a 6/10 on my home-made ‘compelling scale’, but I still feel disoriented by the sudden jump into the scene. I think part of the problem is that I don’t really believe that this medallion is worth pursuing – it’s so abstract for me…she just encountered in a dream/vision and A mentioned something about its healing capacity. It’s so tenuous. The medallion, in my mind, feels more like a plot device than a real thing, with weight and texture and history. The other part of it is that I don’t empathise with her desire to heal her father, but let’s chalk that down to me jumping into the story late. I like E but she winks too much. Give me some other characterisations and I’ll like her more. If she winks again then she’ll start to become annoying. Well done. There are some interesting elements in this story. Please keep writing!

(R)ough. First draft. It's only part of chapter 3. The scene continues straight on from where I end. Please ignore typos. Any feedback welcome, especially encouragement - that helps me get through a first draft. : )

You're right. I'll do that.

Feel like I need as many events like this as I can get. Show me the deadline pressure. Speaking of which, I'd given myself until July 1st to finish this demon novella. Got about 20k words, but the tale has grown in the telling, so I don't think I'm going to make it. Undecided on whether to carry on or return to TGO.

I can relate to this. I've been re-writing the first part of another book for far too long, in part because of issues pointed out in feedback. I think first-draft feedback can be dangerous, especially for perfectionists, exactly for the reasons you pointed out. This novella project is an attempt to give my ego the finger and just blaze through to the end of the first draft regardless of quality and plot issues (something I've historically been terrible at). Suppose I'm still figuring out my process. I know I need deadline pressure, and to be excited about what I'm writing. RE creates deadline pressure, but I'm still undecided on whether or not its worth it on a first draft, considering how feedback has a tendency to stir the combined forces of my inner perfectionist, critic and editor. Good idea : )

Thanks for the comments @Robinski , insightful as always : ) Not really. It's the kind of place-holder concrete description that comes out on a first draft. Just felt demon-ish. Nothing important ; ) Think I was hungry when I wrote that. Yeah, this was bothering me. Since it was supposed to be a novella I thought I'd cut past that and launch straight in, but it needs weaving in there one way or another. I think it's possible to braid it into the action, but I've not done that yet.

I've only used the basic features so couldn't really say. Something like Scrivener is better for organising and editing I think. I'm using 4thewords for first-drafting at the moment. Its strength is that it keeps you writing.

@shatteredsmooth Thanks a lot. I like receiving intelligent comments. I can tell you have a good handle on the craft. Probably agree on losing chapter 1. Trying to practice turning my internal editor off until the end of the first draft. Why do you need to have most of your first draft written before getting feedback? Because the comments you get won't reflect your skill? I can sympathise with that if so. For me, I need deadline pressure to write anything. Submitting to RE gives me that. Well worth a damaged ego : )

Anyone participating? https://campnanowrimo.org

Anyone participating? https://campnanowrimo.org

@Mandamon , great comments and questions. The answer to most of them is I'm making it up as a I go long, so get ready for a deluge of inconsistencies in coming submissions. In fact I'll be impressed if you can make sense of the story by the end of. For example, the scene where the old woman gives him the iron ball has been cut. Something else happens there instead, but I dare not go back and write it for fear of falling into the premature re-write trap. Anyway, all that's really useful stuff that will help me improve the second draft. Much appreciated.

Sign me up for the coming Monday please Silk.

Sent you LBLs again, good sir. There's some great writing in this one, and some potent little moments conjured from powerful description. There's also some fat to trim on later drafts imo. I've noticed the protag is not a very active character. Despite his attitude and the forceful writing, he gets carried along with things perhaps a little too much (I'm not sure he's taken a single action to propel the story...things have just happened *to* him; he's passive). In part 1 he gets caught pretty quick. In Jail, instead of taking more kind of awesome practical action (with those sparrow bones I'm so fond of), he just waits till he's released and goes along with things. And at the end of part 3 it's the same thing...stuff outside his control happening to him with no action, dilemma or decision on his part. You've conjured quite a powerful motivation and intent for him to start taking action toward getting his redemption, but we've not really seen it yet. Hoping for some of that soon. All that said, the story is still interesting, the main characters are distinctive and effectively communicated through powerful description. I'm looking forward to reading the next part. Please keep writing : )

Chapters 3, 4 and 5 R for Rough. Very much a first draft, so please ignore typos etc. It's a bit over the word limit, so no worries if you only read a chapter or two. RE submissions help me get through the first draft, so that's my main motivation for sending this stuff out : )

Hahah. You mean your wife? Thats really funny. My ALPC has signed me off.

Same here. Want to go as a tag team?