Majestic Fox

Ahh, we’re back with Q, M and E. Marvellous. There’s some good stuff in here, though it dragged a little for me, especially in the middle - mainly due to the lack of conflict I think. There’s also a lot of naval gazing / or Q’s thoughts on stuff, some of which was engaging, some of which less so. For example… RT Cafe - Haha. I like it. (E. didn’t count, as androids weren’t on the payroll) - Pretty funny. Also I first thought that it broke POV a little, but perhaps it's on me, the reader, to imagine Q think that in the scene TF had a lot to answer for, and he had done, by getting assassinated. Haha! guardian of the irrepressible Miss M - Great. I'm riveted. ...derived through modern Latin to mean... Hahah, I love how E is prattling on here. M's reaction feels like a bit of a missed opportunity for humour / character...(if it was harsher / more insulting, perhaps) those violet android eyes - Bit OTT for me in this context, reads as borderline poetic. especially now he wasn’t dangling two thousand metres above the lunar surface on the end of the android’s arm - Cool. M snapped her fingers. “You’re really out of it today. Stay with the programme, will you? We need to make tracks. Calgary... Feels like M is forced into explaining stuff here by your choice to pull the 'snap out of it' trick. And it's a slight deviation from my idea of who she is. Hmm.. would Q rather be alone than with M? ...ah, maybe not...*perception modified*. Isn’t there something more exciting, like foiling a plot to invade Iceland? M feels less distinct. She's lost some of her attitude, it feels like to me. . But wait, there he was going all soft and parental again. Something feels a bit odd here...like there's too much telling, perhaps. Or that bit of telling is abrupt / jarring. What do you think? Filigreed - hahah, excellent choice of word for Q A small hand slammed down on the table. “I said, what about this new one? That’s three times you’ve played this trick. You can have it once, maybe even twice. But not three times. “I bet things have chilled out. Don’t be a scum-sucker, Q. Take the job.' Better. Feels more like the Moth that's been introduced to me in Chapter 1. “I won’t put you in harm’s way, M. I can’t.' - Boring? Too parental? Maybe I would think differently if I understood the danger, perhaps (Book 2 syndrome?) P10... I'm a little bored. They did the town museum, the candle factory, the brewery tour and the wildlife centre. That was pretty much it. Feels a bit sad. Dreary. Why? P11.. Skim reading...get me to the good part.. Q scowled at her... Why? Can't imagine a teenager like M saying 'compote'...wouldn't she just give a one more answer? M gives her the finger - Oh..she's mocking the waitress. Good. That's more like it...but we're still just in this cafe. I need more than that. We’re totally detectives. I’m learning in the school of life. Good...more attitude / feels realistic, but I wish she'd be more brazen, insulting his suggestion More 80 please. Keep forgetting he's there. A- grades... this is good, but would have worked much better for me if it were contrasted against a more callous, teenage M, like the one that burst through the roof window at the end of Chp 1. Tha’s fawking boo rust. Icecream. hahah. That's more like it. Contrasts against Q so much more. M's talking about Shakespeare...thought she wasn't bothered about him. Wish she was more curt. I feel like she’s too forthcoming with her words. Ah, 80 has pipes up a bit now. Would be funny if his programming wasn’t quite right…inconsistent chattering. Why does 80 speak in a posh manner? Has Q programmed him that way? What would M think about that? , but spraying droplets of ice-cream over the table’s laminate top... Hahah. Like it. pre-programmed chortle. Lol Ending is decent Yes, M. does feel a bit different. She's too forth coming with her words. Q is the verbose one right? And 80. Well, Verbose might incorrect, but I like her best when she's rude and curt. This whole scene could come to life if you put them in a dangerous situation…or some other edgy context. I think the problem is they’re basically just sitting in a café the whole chapter and nothing really happens. You can get away with that, but the quality character interaction and depth of insight into who they are better be extremely good from beginning to end. Why are they in this dreary place? What does the setting do for your story? How does it riff against or illuminate the characters?

This is well written, and once again there are some great moments in this chapter. My overwhelming response was What? Where's Q and M? Bring them back immediately. Moment by moment: Kind of odd that F withholds info from the P info 'You'll know when the time comes.' By page 4 I'm really wondering what all this has to do with the Q and M stuff I read before. Partly because the tone feels different. This is a bit more like House of Cards or something. She wondered, as she had begun to do more often now, how she had lost her independence, her ethics, her pride. Now I'm interested. P5.... the rapid dialogue is pulling me along nicely. I'm skimming over the time/date/location things now....hope there's not critical information nestled in here He really would have enjoyed boning her; he was sure of it. Hahah, I like it. This kind of directness is refreshing to read, and gives the prose attitude He only had to mouth the word... Wow, that's kind of surreal. Unnerving. The fact he's a century plus old is good / realistic for this near future stuff...not super unique but makes me trust the writer a bit more P7... Man, I need me some Q... Tania had a habit of mussing it up when they… negotiated over the energy budget hahaha! Niflheim eh? Hope that norse mythology will be interlaced into the story in some profound, intelligent way (but that's just my preference..) P8 'Dammit' - Felt odd...to abrupt and forceful with the close third limited. Nordic cheekbones - haha P8 some pithy writing here...enjoying the last para (but don't let that stop you from replacing it all with Q browsing a worsted magazine) P9 - I feel mild interest, mostly pulled along by the good writing So pronounced were the tops of their spines that the bony ridge stretched the sick-looking hide - Good description. The bit before helps me imagine them in situ...in their surroundings... The three remaining examples of Doctor Terjesen’s spotted hyena / bull shark concoction had calmed now, and sulked on the other side of the glass, snapping idly in their direction and occasionally at each other .. I think this is a good method...to tether the subjects into the surrounding environment before going into more fine-grain description. Good work. Because what did you do if you did not possess a handy block of amber holding a Cretaceous mosquito conveniently imbued with the DNA of a vel. Haha, but isn't this breaking your close third limited pov for the sake of humour? Jurassic Park can't be that timeless can it? Tania practically swayed in time with the velociraptors’ measured movements as they regarded the humans. This is engaging. Good example of 'showing', in contrast to 'telling' in the paras above, which were less good. that natty little unit packing some clever wireless tech and a shot glass-worth of C4 - Haha He seemed to be trying a nonchalant half-smile, but only managed serial-killer feigned amiability. Brilliant. This is a really effective and creative way of communicating the character's physical reaction. It's funny and clever, and in POV. Great job. The loss gave Eve a hollow, melancholic feeling in her gut that she had come to enjoy along with a glass of Scotch and Tania curled up next to her, their ice cubes tinkling in time. Yes. More brilliance. Just keep being brilliant. In summary, great writing but give me Q and M back.

Interesting. I thought I was being heavy handed on the motivation.

In that case @Robinski, allow me to say thank you very much for the kind offer. That's really generous. Let's chat by email.

Sign me up again please Silk. I have the wind at my back!

Please ignore grammar and typos. Feedback on emotional response is more useful : ) Note for rewrite: the gateways stuff at the end will be foreshadowed earlier in the chapter. Cheers!

Hahah, your hesitation is justified. I think you know I'm liable to spend way too long on word-smithing sentences. My internal editor / perfectionist doesn't need much of an incentive to grab the reigns and grind things to a halt. Also, does LBLs mean Line By Lines? Totally agree. Pretty sure I agree with this as well. I'll add to the 'Changes for Rewrite' list. Good point. Hm, not certain which bit your thinking about exactly, but sounds like it needs some clarity. By the way, thanks everyone everyone for the positive words - for me, they're just as useful as the critiques, on the first draft at least : )

Great comments, thanks all. Yes, I promise to keep going forward haha. Thanks for the encouragement to keep on with the momentum. It helps.

@Robinski Ah, well *scratches head* that last submission was only a third of the chapter...chapter one will be about 8,000 words I think, so if I can average 1k words per day I'll manage to submit...chapter...1...of the novel I've spent a frightening amount of time working on. *Majestic Fox desperately clings to the little scrap of momentum he's accumulated, his dog eared, weather worn scarf flapping in the wind.*

Sign me up for next Monday please Silk. A complete chapter will be delivered.

First off, thanks for the excellent feedback on previous submissions. It's really useful and I've taken it on board. And yes, I've re-written the first chapter (as I seem to enjoy doing), including changes to the beginning, not major changes, so if you're bored to tears with this then feel free to jump past the grey text to where the major changes do kick in. Apologies in advance - this one will surely be riddled with typos and possibly missing paragraphs of description, but there you go, this is what I managed to produce. What I'm looking for: If it's really not working for you, please refrain from mentioning that (haha). If you thought previous drafts worked better, please don't mention that either. It's the last thing a perfectionist like me needs to hear. I'm sticking with this now...no more starting again (though no promises)

You're welcome!

Hahah! Fair point. Ah, of course. Sorry. Think I've got them all. Let me know if not. *Types 'etiquette' into RE keyword search*

Sign me up for Monday, please Silk. Unless we get a deluge of other people wanting feedback, in which case I'll bow out.

Thanks for the feedback. All good points. Willow's in her early twenties, Lewis is in his mid teens. Not clear, I agree. This age gap makes their relationship more interesting to me. The mention of marriage/motherhood is partly there for realism. I'm interested to know if you guys think it would be strange if she didn't think about that, given her age and given that they live in a small community where most of her peers have found partners and there's a bit of social pressure to maintain the population (assuming those things are clearly communicated in the story). Much obliged.

This is the best piece of writing I've read of yours. Significantly better than the dark urban fantasy I remember giving you feedback on a few years back. Great to see that you're improving. It got better as it went a long for me. Started off as mildly intriguing and became funny and charming (Q's part especially). The writing has style and attitude. I laughed three or four times when reading it. There are some great lines in this. The description is specific and the characters are distinctive. Well done! Moment by moment: P2 (first page of story) - Mm, good description. I feel mild intrigue. Like the juxtaposition between specific science/technology language and the luminous descriptions of nature. I think this is something you could bring out even more (see comments at the end). Kodak Worldview thing...interesting but feels like naked exposition, partly because it has it's own sentence. P3 - Feels like there's a sudden shift in the writing style in para 2...M's attitude enters the writing forcefully...the change feels abrupt E_____ - that's a cool name. Makes me warm to the story a little. (Wow, the author can come up with cool names like that? What other cool rust must be in here?) Skip, tip-toe, creep etc... didn't work for me. I imagined Q saying it to her and it felt really odd to me. Even the Moon was warmer - I like this. And I like how she's being associated with the moon. Makes me think of 'tag words' (Did you watch that Jim Butchter talk?) P4 Stifles a sob... Hmm. I know she stifles it, but a sob still wanted to come out. I don't like that I reacted this way, but my honest first reaction was 'She's a bit weak then.' Love how she has a reconstructed leg. Makes her more distinctive. The movement of a patch of grey darkness against the brownish darkness of the wooden fence beyond the tree. - This feels too cerebral and precise...like how she might reflect on it, rather than her direct experience of it in the moment. Tickling her grave with a feather? Don't get it. P5 . But she didn’t, she only had a stupid N.... Zap-the-storm out of android operating systems. Strictly law enforcement issue only . Strictly not for the use of Milanese convent girls - This feels a little too much like tech exposition for me... is there a way to show this instead of telling us so directly? As the threat of danger emerges I find myself wondering who M is and what she's doing here. What does she want? What does she care about? I don't know who she is. Why should I care about her? I feel like we're often told as writers that we should lead in with action, start with a bang, but action scenes bore me unless I'm invested in the character. 0___a E's name - that's funny. I like it! Unleash the L__ of R____... hahah! You're on a roll. P6 - Pretty good. P7 Great opening description of Q. Immediately gives me a strong impression of who he is. This is a great contrast from M struggled in the cold. 'Lauch pad' of his limb confused me. Q disliked looking up at people - hahah. This struck me as odd in a charming way. The Inuit know how to respect a herb - What a great line. P8 Is he flirting with me? Good grief, the man has no sense of timing and, if I had a type—which is a ridiculous notion anyway—it wouldn’t be him. - Good. Enjoying this. Soup strainer? Confused. The last paragraph made me think... Is the author subtly weaving in clues that this G an android? Either way, I'm engaged. P9 Q had done his research, or rather the increasingly capable M had, a month of it. This is excellent. Gives us plot, character and interesting insight into their relationship in a concise, stylish way. Such was the view of the museum at least, and hence they had engaged The Q. Agency - Ah! That's why they're here. Great. I'm glad to know this. Might help to drop some hint early in M's part though. Great art always seemed to need to be rescued from something - Another great line. “I’m not here to drink your gin, G." Snapped Q. - For me, him snapping like this makes it too obvious he's trying to divert the guy's attention. I think it can be easily solved by losing the word 'snapped' for something a bit more subtle. P10 Great. Tension. Conflict. Hahah - I like how he insults his disguise. I'm engaged. But I don't get his 'class action' joke. Maybe Q's just smarter than me. P11 - Decent so far. Still engaged but it's a bit evil villain-ish how G. is explaining how he's going to kill Q. P12 - . It is Worsted. Nice weave: beautiful combing. Hahah : ) P13 - I like M's line after she crashes in dramatically. Would love to see Q's reaction to it, since for me the most engaging thing about this story is their relationship. This would be even stronger is you made M more distinct from the outset. What's working for me is the juxtaposition between the scientific/cerebral part of M that knows about gravity and specifics of technology and the way she's experiences the nature (it has a touch of poetry - the way the moon and the tree and fairy dust snow is described gives me a sense of depth and connection to nature in her). I like how she has a reconstructed leg - simple but makes her more vivid in my mind. Consider mentioning this sooner...it could help to create a powerful first impression of M.. As it stands, my first impression of her wasn't that vivid or distinct (perhaps 6/10 where as Q got 8.5/10). Great work. I felt like you enjoyed writing this - especially Q's part?

This is part 2/3 of chapter one. I've included the first part in case anyone wanted to get the full context. Also made some small changes to first part of chapter one, trying to bring Willow's character out a touch more. For those of you who have already read part one you might want to just start from around page 8. Cheers.

Thanks for the feedback kais.

This is good writing, especially for an early draft. I really like the opening. The first sentence after the dialogue drew me in straight away. You have style and voice in your writing (I guess those two things are the same). That's my first impression and it's what I still think after finishing the piece. I'll launch into my moment by moment reaction now, but more important than that I think, if you don't already, you should have confidence in yourself to write in a compelling way. Here we go.. P1 What a great paragraph. This guy can write. General intrigue..don't care if the concept is cliche if it's well executed 'Reaction three of ten.' What does that mean? Is he rating how much he likes her reaction? Or labelling it from a possible 10 categories? P2 Dialogue pretty well written. Like this bit: Another taste of coffee. It’s good, this stuff. Lily gapes at him... this paragraph seems to drift from the traveler's pov, third limited into somewhere between omniscient and distant third limited. Pulled me out a little. Same thing again on final para... I feel the author's voice is more present the character's P3 It's the last thing..etc Redundant / obvious from previous lines begins a new song with a passion - Feel free to elaborate. 'Passion' felt a bit lazy/on the nose in terms of description Will watches in dismay, his coffee growing cold. A thought flickers at the back of his mind: should he reverse time for this? At this point I’m reaching for Will’s internal life…his desire… I want to know his heart… why he’s here, and why I’m in the coffee shop with him? If I can't connect with the character emotionally soon, then you might lose me as a reader P4 Lily winces, then glares at the keys. I feel sympathy for her. Hm.. that she glares at the keys can be interpreted in different ways, My reaction was…she’s trying harder at the piano…trying to be better / mixed with anger at the drunk guy and a feeling that she can't really defend herself, since this is her job. Empathy for her. I'll bring her back, sir. This felt odd to me. See that you do. Does the bar tender not think this odd too? Some guy just stands up, takes the blame and volunteers himself to fetch her back. If that happened in my bar I'd look at them thinking 'What's going on here?' The murder feels extremely abrupt. Rushed. Odd. Like it comes out of no where - a sudden change of story tone. P5 Love how he has to let himself fall backwards. Great touch. When he returns to the bar, rattled... I like this reaction. It's great. Feels realistic. Compelling. Last line of this page - How many times has he done this? It can’t be that hard to not screw this up… if this is his second try that’s ok, I forgive him. if it's his fifth try and then I consider him a bit incompetent. P6 A flickering green? Is that accurate? Feels like a fall back on the word flicker (which, by the way, is well used when he travels back in time) Haltingly at first, but soon the whole story is pouring out. Feels rushed. Last sentence - Not convinced he ruined it. And why is this important? Why should I care? Show me the heart of the character! Let me feel his loneliness. I'm reaching to connect with him but there's little to grasp on to P7 What kind of insane he is. Nice phrasing - I like it “I don’t pay you to talk. I pay you to play." - Cliche. It's an early draft so no worries. I'm confident you can do better than this. She seems surprised to see him. 'Oh, you? Hello.' I love this phrasing. Concise yet this characterful. This way of putting it wouldn't occur to a lot of writers. Is it this way? - Bit stupid to ask that isn't it? He'll freak her out! P8 Same as above when he warns her they'll slit her throat. Odd when he calls himself a time traveller. Peculiar in an unrealistic way Consequently, it feels unrealistic that she lets him come with her "Are you sure you want to head home?" - At this point I question his sanity. Before this, I believed he was a time traveller. Now not so sure. Is he a nutcase? P9 If I were her I’d think he was in on it. Can’t they go a different way back? It's quite useful. - Feels on the nose to me. Whimsical in a way that pulls me out the story. Similar reaction to 'Would you like me to time-travel now?' P10 I really like how he has to find the concentration to go back in time whilst being stabbed to death. Brilliant. ..knives entered his back and stomach. Some acknowledgement of his own stupidity would be good about now. he might have someone who believes him, who might ease the loneliness he had no idea until tonight that he felt so acutely. I wonder if there’s a more effective way of communicating this…more indirect / subtle. Like when Vincent sees that wolf in the film Collateral. P11 Is that it? Ending leaves me a little unsatisfied, and I think this is partly related to the above comment. One last bonus tip - I think that 'flicker' is a word you like, and it's a good one - but be aware that you might have a tendency to overuse it. Great work, please keep writing.

Thanks for the feedback, Industrialist Dragon. What you said is useful.

Thanks Silk. Please may I submit again on Monday 26th?

You guys are great. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Great effort for a first pass. There are things I liked in here, despite being someone who doesn't read much young adult whimsical space opera (that's how it came across to me, so congratulations if that's what you're going for). Here's my moment by moment experience: P1 Terran reminds me of Star Craft 'Journey' ? What's that? A ship? Wow, the year 2020 sounds unrealistically soon for that to have happened 'Youth Journey' - I cringe slightly...it's wearing it's genre on its sleeve in a way I find a little twee P2 Description of Minoran sounds like the author is figuring it out for him/herself. I like the bit when he reads the bio-film job post...gives me a sense of adventure and possibility... I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff. Minoran sounds extremely human, reminds me of a grizzled american detective Watchara is a cool name... and adds a touch of realism / otherworldliness to this futuristic setting P3 Mmm...hoping for a medical assignment is she? Tthe female medical officer feels cliche to me, like the female white mage Her skin was a warm, tawny brown and she had soft features and wide eyes. Definitely pretty. He'd never tell her that. I like this. Tight third person putting us in the mind of the protagonist. Taste for live insects - I like it. Different. Otherworldly. Adds immersion and realism. P4 She grabs him by the shoulder...that's a bit familiar isn't it? They only just met Biped bathroom - I I like it. Adds a touch of realism and therefore makes me a little more immersed in the story. P5 So the Minoran have multiple languages... this underlines the weirdness of that Minoran speaking in a very human way... not just human, but like a lot of American male characters in their late forties I've seen countless times on TV Anatomically compatible... I like this bit, and his reaction to her Enthusiasm sliders... interesting. P6 'I just want to be in space, you know?' I like this. I understand it. Feels realistic and holds within it the desire for adventure and exploration which is a massively deep part of what it means to be a human, and does it in an economical, realistic way which makes me like him more. Feels honest and sincere. Lacking any pretentiousness and gets to the heart of it. 'All within the bounds of the law though, of course.' Is he actually law-abidding? (In which case I like him less)..or is he covering up, in a whimsical, self-aware manner, for being someone liable to break the law (in which case I like him more). P7 Learning and figuring out adulthood.. Feels on the nose and unrealistic There is a perfect lack...or amount of speaker markers on this page ('said Nicholas') which makes the dialogue flow nicely Corieus' capital... ah.. so they're not on a ship like P8 Last paragraph feels a little clunky / strange to me...It was more like when his parents argued about some trivial matter, like his father’s inability to see the crumbs he’d left on the countertop P9 Mostly decent, quite engaging writing.. only thing that sticks out is 'crusty space captains' as a cliche Description of the Neek is good. Different and specific. Bit weird that she has strawberry blonde hair, but I don't mind as long as it's different and specifically described. 'cause' at the end of -9 is over slangish for me. Would maybe feel ok if this was first person. P10 Their planet was really important to the Systems, regardless, since....etc I'm glad there wasn't further explanation here. Just a single sentence. Feels realistic for character's thought process...doesn't overload reader with unneeded exposition Neek talks more like an alien, less human - I like it. Plot of four B-movies... Hm... self awareness is good but this breaks immersion for me. Neek's dialogue on last paragraph sounds different to her other lines.... now she sounds more familiar and human. I like this less. P11 We're not a comedy show. Are you sure? Is this trying to be a comedy? As I'm reading it, I'm trying to figure out the tone...what it's trying to be. “You… you do have a name though, right?” - Hm - hasn't she already explained this to me? P12 Youth Journey - I just can't get used to this. P14 Nic's passion for technology is cool. Enjoyed reading this bit A funny tickle ran down his spine and he scrunched his shoulders. “ I like this. Absence of no further explanation makes it intriguing and keeps pace flowing. P15 Hmm... if his passion for techology is like our modern obsession with smart phones, I like it less. This page feels to me that's dominated with a long and redundant paragraph about his thought process, which I already understand. Could be done in a line of dialgoue or a single sentence of thought process / physical description. It's a great start, please keep writing! One thing that felt missing to me was a sense of place. Perhaps a little more description of setting would work. Was a little confused as to exactly where they were. Thought 'Journey' might be a ship initially. More vivid description of the setting could also improve it for me. A single vivid detail might be all it needs to bring it to life in my mind.

I don't appear to have received anyone's submission. Shall we take this up in a PM, Silk? Don't want to clutter the thread.

For those who have read previous versions of this in the past, consider giving your feedback to others before me. Chapter one is well over the recommended 4,000 word submission suggestion, so I'll submit part two of the first chapter next week. Thanks!