Majestic Fox

Hah, that's interesting - I'm working not far from Dunoon, over in Tighnabruaich installing a micro hydro electric system. Mandamon mentioned you were based up here. I'd assumed you down South in Cambridge. Work's been exceptionally intense this last week. I've just finished (2:40am). Had zero time for writing but have been working my way through feedback for you guys. Will be without internet connection for a while though. The Glasgow fair looks interesting - I'd swing by if I wasn't heading out to the Western Isles. Bike and ferry all the way!

Thank you for the feedback Robinski. Insightful as usual : ) I really appreciate the encouragement. It helps me keep writing. I haven't read any of Mr Vance's works yet. He's on my list - perhaps I should bump him to near the top.

I like the first line. Cherries aren’t poisonous! I like the simplicity of describing tea. It’s relaxing, but the poison adds some drama. Nice counter point. Feels fresh. Naiya must be pretty damnation important and trusted to do this task for the emperor Some slight confusion over how many pits it takes to kill a person. Made me reread it, and took away from the relaxing flow. I hope this story is like drinking a cup of refreshing green tea after soaking in a mountain hot spring. Haha – I think I’m just sleepy. And thirsty. *Drinks water* That’s better. I can give proper feedback now. Some lines felt a little jarring – I noticed their function was to drop little pebbles of exposition into the pure water of your story. I think it would be more effective if you rooted pretty much the whole first page in description of her task (my favourite bits) and kept the exposition to an absolute minimum. Loving the description, but having trouble picturing where she is. You’ve not mentioned it yet, so I’ve got her in the porch of a white temple nestled somewhere high up in a lush green forest. The rich aroma that filled the room reminded Naiyu of home. This line feels like it ends too abruptly. I’m left wondering what’s home like for her? I only need a sentence or two, then I’m with her again, sharing her experience. But without it, there’s a little rift between us. The juice from the cherries could be made into an effective dye, and up to half an hour of determined scrubbing was sometimes needed to remove stains. This telling dilutes the power and flow of the story for me. It feels unnecessary and a little unmotivated. Why do I need to know this? Why is she thinking this thought? Man, I'm encountering quite a lot of cherry based stories at the moment. I’ll warn you though, if they’re going to feature prominently then you’re to need to work pretty hard to top Mandamon’s Festival of the Cherry. : ) For me, the name Cherry Valley doesn’t feel very imaginative or otherworldly. Also, it’s a little awkward to say. Little things like this can turn me off from a story as opposed to endearing me toward it. The descriptive language is pretty good, but it feels like more research into setting would lift the quality even higher, gifting you with more language specific to your world. You have a chance to subtly and elegantly draw the reader into a unique and vivid world here, simply by the description of someone making tea. That’s not something I see very often, and it’s a treat when it does. Here’s an example of what I was just talking about: The brightly coloured birds that adorned both pot and cups reminded Naiyu of Inah.. What colours? What birds? The more specific the better. Naiyu checked her reflection in the mirror. Ah, the trusty mirror. I’m guessing someone else has flagged this up so I won't anything other than it's good to treat physical description of your main character as an exercise in imagination - if you can do it in a fresh way you'll stand out as a writer. A shame about those eyes, child. You could have been great, if it weren’t for those eyes. Gorgo claimed pale eyes meant ill fortune for the Leyari. If only she could see me now. Sounds like two different voices here. And I thought Gorgo was a man. Sounds like a man’s name to me. Felt slightly confused figuring out the family relationships, but then I’m an epic retard when it comes to this. This line is good though: “But father, he’s my… he’s your…” No exposition! Awesome, let the reader figure it out for themselves. (If he can). This part, where the folk start talking, feels a little convoluted. Where’s my refreshing mountain tea of a story!? *Sips water* ..sorry. I guessed that she might try and kill him when I read this: The boy must die.” The Emperor’s voice sounded strained and tired, but resolute. Naiyu carefully folded back the sleeve of her robe and poured a cup of tea for the man who was plotting to kill his grandson. Simple case of connected the limited amount of dots your prologue contains. From her reaction, I wasn't totally certain she intended to kill him. I’d make that clearer. It’s good, I like it. My advice is to purge it of exposition, make the language more vivid, setting specific, and distinct to Naiyu’s point of view. The last point, if done effectively, will make the character stand out – right now she’s interesting, but a little indistinct to me.

Thanks Mandamon. Yes - clarity is something I definitely need to work on in draft two. Thanks a lot for your feedback, by the way. It's most useful. If I can make a request to everyone - don't bother pointing out typos or missed words. I'll catch those later on. What's much more useful is your moment to moment experience / thought process. *Humble bow* Your comment about over use of words to describe walking doesn't fall into this category, Mandamon. I thought that was interesting. I've been taught to avoid the word 'walking' in favour of something more descriptive, but what I think I need to do is get better at inferring character movement more indirectly.

Robinski, I wouldn't mind you sending it out today if you want to.

Hello Comatose. You have the highest post count of any new forum member I've ever seen. Here's a summary of the first chapter, in lazy bullet point form: Ambrose Macray, one of the story's two protagonists was introduced. He was fretting over the problem of how to reopen the gateways that connect the two worlds. The passages through the mountains which link them have been ceasing up for hundreds of years and no one knows why. It's critical to the economy and industrial development of the country that they reopen them (don't think I've said why yet, but I'll probably establish that in chapter one when the second draft comes around). His most promising idea of penetrating the black rock is the Kovorus - a massive steam powered rock drill which is presently under construction. Ambrose is in financial trouble with a money lending organisation. He has one week to pay them back. The financial trouble deepens when his superior, Thomas Ruthworth, Minister of the Gates, informs him that there is to be a hearing which will determine whether or not the Kovorus will be constructed - they've gone over time and over budget. Thomas is a man Ambrose is fond of. At the end of the chapter, Ambrose receives an unsigned message from someone stating plainly that the Kovorus will not work, and if he serious about 'Knocking on the gods' door' then he should come to the Hammer and Bluebell the following night.

Apologies for the late submission. There are a few inconsistencies in this chapter, the most important one being in the House of Lords scene. In answer to the recurring, yes, Willow's story will be closely interwoven with Ambrose's story. I've made a list of changes to the previous 7 chapters that will raise the question of how the two worlds are linked, but I'll leave implementing those until the second draft. This submission is over 5,000 words, so no worries if you don't have time to read it. You've been generous with your feedback, and I know myself it can be difficult to fit writing, reading and feedback in with your everyday lives. Work has been especially hectic for me lately, but anyway, I'm out of excuses, now go write. And read (your submissions).

Here’s my excuse for this week: With limited writing time I was forced to choose between proofing reading / tidying up what I’d already written, or continuing on to the end of the chapter. I was in the flow, so I kept going. Now it’s 1:20am on a Tuesday morning. I’ll try my best to get it finished up by tomorrow’s end. damnation. So little time. And I haven’t even written any feedback for Robinski’s last submission!

Wow - another epic response Robinski. Lots of insightful comments there. Thanks a lot, to Mandamon as well.

As usual, the writing here is solid, the pacing is good and the viewpoint is consistent and distinctive. Again, you'll have to take my feedback with a pinch of salt since I've only read about half a dozen of your chapters, and jumped in somewhere around the middle. With that in mind, the main thing that sticks out to me is the gap between the story's drama and how much I expect it, or want it to have at this late stage. It might be that you're not trying to write this kind of book, but for me, if it's a stand alone novel, two chapters from the end, I'd expect the story to be hitting the dramatic revelations and emotional peaks by now. That's not to say it undramatic - I just want more. Here's my running thought process: Pg 1: While they walked, she tried to get more information. Show don't tell would serve well here. I like the presence of the two moons as the sisters are reuinited. I like the names of the moons as well. "I think we should split up" Bel suggested, and Kisare felt her eyes widen. I shared Kisare's reaction here. It feels like a bit of an anticlimax here - I was hoping for something more dramatic, emotional, meaningful when their paths re-converge. Pg 2: but Kisare remembered him as the one in charge of letting worms eat Fruit trees: the Master of Silkworms. Overexplaning here. the Master of Silkworms is enough. Drunken nobles chased and fondled each other, shivering in ecstasy as they drank juice and ate Fruit. Haha. That conjures some amusing imagery. Displays of Fruit surrounded it and Kisare grabbed a double handful of Mulberries, stuffing five in her mouth at once and biting down. I feel like this is unintentionally funny. I should be sharing in Kisare's emotional state here, not smiling at the image of her stuffing fruit into her mouth. Perhaps I just have a weird sense of humour. Pg 3: "Many nobles do not know the full extent of their abilities until they have lived in the capital, where Fruit is abundant." Kisare could tell now he was speaking around a mouthful of the berries. Too much fruit exposition for me. As mentioned previously, by this point the story's learning curve should have levelled off a bit so we can get on with the story. "I am Ligish, shadow to that odious man." That's a cool idea. Pg 4: I find myself skim reading the final paragraphs of Kisare's thread, hoping for something dramatic to happen. Pg 5: Experiencing a bit of dejavu with character stalking through the pyramid. Law of diminishing returns might apply here. Seems a bit convenient that Aricaba-Ata is in the room she randomly picked. Pg 6: Aricaba-Ata must have kept his secret from prying eyes by shielding him and his men from casual searches. Feeling the presence of this exposition. When she finds Hbelu my reaction was 'Okay, here we go. Things are about to get dramatic.' ..but the wind fell from the sails shortly after. Nothing really happened. I felt frustrated that she just leaves him there and just sort of accepts it. The conversation with Ata is sort of interesting but, I don't know, I want something awesome to happen - something dramatic. Maybe it will come in the final two chapters.

Throw me in as well please Silk. If others want to jump in then I'll bow out, since unlike Robinski and Mandamon, I'm about twenty submissions from the end of the book. If there is room I should have the next one ready in time, but still need to squeeze in feedback so might be a little late submitting. Will try my best to get it done for Monday eve.

Haha, yes. I'm afraid it will continue to be a bit of a confusing mess for quite some time. Thanks for the feedback Mandamon.

Better late than never, eh? This is the first chapter of Ambrose - the other protagonist apart from Willow. Their chapters will alternate in the final book. Hope you enjoy.

Made it. 1:50am, UK time. Just enough time for five hours sleep. July NaNo camp starting tomorrow. Anyone else participating? PM me if you are.

Thanks Robinski. I got to 1,500 words yesterday and ran out of steam. Writing again now. Will submit later tonight.

Think so. And I've got my work cut out for me tonight and tomorrow. Might not make this one. Will let you know if not.

Same for me please, along with Mandamon.

You're welcome. In each chapter I've read there is quality writing. If you bring the whole story up to that standard then you'll have a good novel.

The writing is good, for the most part. There are some moments where you've written in the obvious (vapour coming from the hot water), or lost the flowing elegance that keeps me in the story (Because of the time of day, she was alone. Maggie was not there.) But the chapter as a whole was compelling. Here's my unfiltered moment by moment thought process. Judith in the bath, this scene is evocative and intimate, but became a bit flat and retrospective when you slipped into a lengthy telling of what happened and how this Jack guy responded... I lost interest then, until page 3 where she begins describing the thing Sabine did to her. That bit was good, but I felt like she should have reflected on the intent of Sabine before trying to suss out who she might be... something in the way she looked at her perhaps. And a little more on how it felt being under this spell, and how she feels now, reflecting on it in the bath. Personally, I'd be wondering why the f*ck someone would have done that to me. Then I'd be plotting defense tactics, then revenge, but that's just me. Thinking about it, she seems completely at peace with being a sitting duck. This makes me think less of her. Where's her fire? Why is she taking this lying down? The removed pondering far outweighs her emotional reaction. I feel like should be balance, and that her thoughts should flow from her emotions. The point of view does not feel all that strong. In fact it's pretty similar to Blacklake. You're writing third limited aren't you? I want to experience things through the specific lens of Judith as a person. Pg 4 - Why is she pondering the fruit delivery man after she's been through this harrowing and far more interesting experience with Sabine? Ah, thoughts of her ordeal have returned. Excellent. Her reverie has darkened : ) Judith was amazed that she was dwelling first on the personal aspect, completely accepting the woman’s ability to control her. Haha - looks like me and Judith had the same thought. It was like a slap in the face. Could the woman be connected to Blacklake? Okay. So the previous tangential pondering on Blacklake and the fruit delivery man was, I'm guessing, to support this revelation. It feels a bit contrived in this case. If you've layered in subtle clues to link her to Blacklake earlier in the story, then there would be nothing wrong with this revelation surging up from her subconscious, coming to her seemingly out of the blue. I really think though, the way to get there is through her emotional reaction to Sabine e.g. she's scared and angry that someone would do this to her which motivates her to recollect what happened in as much detail as possible, which leads her to the subtle thing you've layered in that connects her to Blacklake. Her heart sank. What if the woman was his wife, his fiancée? Perhaps the woman’s grievance with her was entirely justified. No, Judith! You don't have to be a sitting duck! Sabine struck me as a powerful and dangerous creature. Judith's reaction here diminishes that. Why isn't she terrified? This was a quandary....(etc) Too much telling. Surely asking these questions of Blacklake could only be worthwhile if she was willing to accept more from him than criticism of her painting. I must be missing something. There must be a good reason why she's isn't more concerned about her own safety. Judith took a deep breath and let her head slip below the surface of the water. She heard strange echoes of water running and blood rushing around her head. This is more like it. Maggie’s sister was standing there, leaning against the door jam with a cigarette between her lips, bedecked in a flowery pinny from which she brushed ash from the folds and she shook her head. Wow. It feels so wonderful to be back in the present with Judith. A breath of fresh air. Oh.. it's ended. Pg 6 - Blacklake looking for Judith engaged my attention immediately. I like how you've not wasted any time in connecting their stories. Pg 7 - My picture of Sabine continues to transform. Docile, you say. Self pitying. She's losing the power she had for me. These other dimensions are skirted over and stated in the most straight forward way, so they're not engaging me or adding dimension to her. Pg 7 - Too much removed telling in the guise of Blacklake pondering. This disengages me. Pg 8 - Ah, we're in the present. Blacklake's knocking on a door. There is dialogue. This is interesting. His concern for Judith and the unexpected obstacle to his seeing her caused a stress in Blacklake that his resolve was not prepared for. His discomfort showed in the length of pause before his answer, causing the man to become increasingly suspicious. Blacklake did have an answer however. This is good but needs to be more concise. ‘She asked me to comment on her artwork. I have some more comments that I hope Judith will be interested to hear.’ First sentence alone would be more powerful. Second one is repetitious and dilutes the conflict. ‘Jack. I’ll speak to him.’ I'm engaged. I want to know what's going to happen next. Hm - Judith feels like a much more distinctive character now she's speaking. This last was clearly a pointer for the young man to mind his Ps-and-Qs. So clear, in fact, that you don't need to mention it. It was important, he knew it and he refrained. It would be funny if he went on to contradict himself shortly afterwards. Also stopping at the end of this sentence would give you back a little more pace. The sentence that follows (and I know you mean Sabine, not Judith) kind of dilutes it. One reason is more powerful than two. But what you're saying about Sabine here is interesting. Can you weave it in earlier? Seems like a missed opportunity for him not to sneak a little glimpse at Jack's thoughts. You could do something really interesting with that. Pg 11 - This is not the time to pull back the authorial distance. Slipping into telling here pulled me out of the story. All this should be left in the subtext. Pg 12 - Please drink your tea and leave before nine.’ Wow that's extremely direct, to the point of inviting a fight. I'm disappointed in Blacklake - he just accepts it. P 13/14 - I really like how you've left the choice he makes between Sabine and Judith in the subtext. This is good writing. This climax rushes up pretty quickly though. Feels like a slow build up of intimacy between them would make it feel more natural, perhaps with Sabine knocking on the doors of his mind. Pg 14 - How could she know when the spectre of the woman on the bridge still hung over her thoughts? This is an awesome sentence. It encapsulates how I imagined she would feel about it. This is the feeling that I felt needed to come out stronger in her first scene. But I'm a little confused about the choice Blacklake made now. I thought that by shifting the conversation to the exhibtion, instead of choosing Judith in a more direct, open way (like the build up to it pre-empted) was implying he had chose Sabine. ‘There was a woman on the bridge at Queens’, her words were snapped at him, the shawl fallen from her shoulders, ‘Do you know her?’ Excellent. This is dramatic. However, the quick switching of POV has slowed the pace and taken me out of the story a little. Pg 14/15 - The pace is good here. You're letting the dialogue flow. His speech was good, but felt like it either needed distilling, or breaking up with an mannerism or something. This was the best chapter I've read of yours so far. It's dramatic. Stuff happens. And it's well written. I think the main problem is that your pyramid of abstraction is inverted, with removed pondering about the past dominating the story and slowing the pace. I ended up skimming those parts to get to the good bits, which was everything else.

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon and Wednesday. And apologies for the confusion. You are right. I'm winging it through the first draft. I have a growing list of things to improve or add on the second draft. The best thing about this forum is it gives me a writing deadline. I'm getting more done than I did before. Also, knowing that the work is going to be read at the end of the week changes the experience of writing for the better - as if it's more real somehow. Know what I mean?

PM'd you to keep the thread clean.

This is a bit rough, so apologies for the missing bits, the skeletal dialogue, the typos (don't worry about flagging those up). That said, hope you enjoy it!

Robinski, have you already finished your story, like Mandamon?

Thanks for the feedback guys. Useful thoughts there. Robinski, that's quite a detailed response. Thanks for taking the time.

Sign me up for submission on Monday please Kheldar. Unless there's a cavalcade of newcomers, in which case I'll bow out.