little wilson

Happy birthday, me! I hope I have a delightful 26th. :-) Semi-random side-note: it just occurred to me that the year ('13) is exactly half the age I'm turning...that's almost as cool as the golden birthday (when you turn the year your birth date is. In my case, 22).

Earlier tonight, my sister sent me a link to a Parks and Rec video with Patton Oswalt filibustering, with his idea of what Star Wars Episode 7 should be about. An epic crossover between Star Wars, The Avengers, X-Men, Spider-man, and the Fantastic Four, And perhaps some others I missed. Here's the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BBhNkywMJY Now, obviously, this would never actually happen. But wouldn't be it awesome if it did? Or maybe I just think that because I love the idea of crossovers. And imagining Bobba Fett battling not only Luke Skywalker, but also the X-Men, is pretty freaking awesome. Especially when I personally envision Tony Stark joining in on that epicness. Yeah, so...I'd watch this movie. Would you?

Ditto to Chaos. And Windy. Work of art is right. I want one.....No. That's not accurate. I *need* one.... yes. Yes, that's better. :-)

Sanderson's been said but I concur wholeheartedly on all his books. Eddings is a must-have. I read the Belgariad when I was in my early teens and even now in my mid-twenties I still get urges to re-read them. They're light, but good. Especially as an intro into fantasy. Rothfuss' Kingkiller Chronicle is great. Kvothe isnt nearly the stagnant character some people say he is. He's gone through some big changes (the troupe vs Tarbean vs The University marking his biggest changes, and that's not even counting how different Kote is from Kvothe. Half the time, I forget he's the same person). Also, I love that the story tells his life, mundanities and all. It makes the juxtaposition between the truth and the stories all that much stronger. Tolkien for obvious reasons. And my addition. The Dark Is Rising series. It's fantastic for younger readers. Full of Celtic themes and King Arthur. Great books. Unfortunately, they tried to make a movie based on it about 7 years ago and it was terrible. Really, really horrible. Screenwriter didn't even bother to read the books. Just the back cover... There are others that I figure should go on a list (Martin, Jordan, Erikson, etc), but I can't really say anything about ththen because I either haven't read them or haven't finished them....plus others more knowledgeable have thrown in their two cents about them.

I live in Southern Idaho. It's a pretty nice place to live, I guess. Except that the weather can never make up it's mind. It's pretty common (especially in the spring) for it to snow, hail, sleet, pour rain, and be sunny, windy, and cloudy all in the same day. Or the same hour. Although, it's not quite as cold where I live in south central as it is in south eastern Idaho, where I went to school at BYU-I. On a side -note, I'm jealous of all you BYU people. I seriously wish I'd transferred down there when I was transferring colleges... Anyway. After 20 years in Idaho (my only time not was 6 years in Seattle that I barely remember), it's time for me to get out. I'm thinking back east. New York or DC.....or maybe I'll skip all that and go straight over the pond to London...London would be awesome too. :-)

Let's see....Elend, Kaladin, and Raoden. However, Raoden is a little too virtuous for my taste, as much as I like him as a character. Although, maybe he would temper my mischievousness and slight deviousness..... As for Kaladin, I like his sense of honor. And when his prejudices and hatred of lighteyes aren't getting in the way, he's actually a very cool guy. Ultimately, though, I think I'd go for Elend. Intelligence is a must-have for me. And a sense of humor. And he's got both in loads.

I like this idea a lot. Are you planning on taking any pictures of them as you complete them, before sending them off? It could be a good way to show people the true finished product. Especially for the bookmarks that are likely going to be the most requested...."Life before death, Strength before weakness, Journey before destination", etc.... I'll have to figure out what I want. But that First Ideal sounds good....Also, I would totally chip in on a Kickstarter. This from the girl who NEVER chips in on Kickstarters. Partially cuz I don't really have a whole lot of money, and mostly cuz as much as I like the people doing them, I wouldn't really use what's being funded. And I'm a somewhat anal about my money in that regard. If I'm not gonna use it, I'm not gonna buy it. Bookmarks, however, I will use. Especially one as cool as this. Totally beats my scrap of scratch paper that is my current bookmark.

First, thank you both. Your comments will definitely help. Especially with the fight scene. That scene was irritating me, for a few different reasons, but the tags and such will fix most of those issues that were bugging me before. I'll work on giving Chris a little more personality in that part. And since both of you commented on his connections, I know I've already said he works for the Coalition, and has for over 30 years, but the more detailed version of his background is that he was an officer for 20 years, and then he started working directly under the Coalition. He still keeps up with the World Order, particularly the officers in the New York area. As for it being a coincidence that he's Emily's neighbor. Some of it's explained later, some of it's already been explained a bit, and some of it doesn't get explained, because those particular details aren't really relevant. Mandamon, you make some good points. And you're asking some good questions, all of which I'm not going to answer. Because most of them will be answered fairly soon. Also, I wasn't trying to call you out. I was more just letting you know I was working on what you've been trying to get me to do. I think that attempt will be clearer next chapter. There's a little less action and a little more character, and a little more exposition on the powers.... NM...Your comment about the background got me thinking. I didn't explain that much in the summary, but there are some important background elements that you'll need to know that have already been revealed. I'll do a quick sum-up right now for you. And anyone else who wants it. The setting is 300 years in the future. The world is run by one government, called The Coalition. The Coalition had a science and technology program for scientists. These scientist created a bunch of different technologies, including weather control, teleportation, and some basic precognition. They stored all of these techs in over 30 Tech Centers around the world. These Centers then distributed the tech from there. Other scientists not with the program created other stuff, but a lot of them incorporated a bit of this tech--particularly the teleportation. The 'porting could be used in many ways, and it was very cheap. 10 years ago, a terrorist group destroyed all of the Centers, and all of the scientists involved in the program disappeared. All on the same night. Then the technology crashed. The terrorists are now called the Crashers, that day is referred to as the Crash, and all the old Tech Center sites are Crash Sites..... That should help a bit. The Crashers are very big element to the story (obviously, since the title is "Crashers" )

Once again, thanks for reading and any help you can give me with it. Note for Mandamon (and any others who were irritated by my lack of characterization/descriptions): I really tried to work on my characterization and descriptions more in this chapter. Not sure how well I did, all things considered. It was a little tough with the plot being what it is at this point in the story. If you could, let me know how I did (although I'm sure you don't need that encouragement. You probably would anyway). I'm very curious.

Can I sign up to submit tomorrow?

I agree with most of what's been said. I absolutely adore Vin and Elend. Elend himself is one of my all-time favorite literary characters. He's just fantastic....and it broke my heart a little when he died (not to mention how he died. I mean, really. Decapitation? Via Marsh? It still pains me think about that). I flew through the end of the book in shock. When I finished it, I didn't even know what to think. I hated it, but at the same time, I knew it was a good ending. I just didn't like it. And then I re-read the ending and noticed something I'd missed--Sazed reconnecting Elend's head, and them holding hands in the field. And that made me feel a little better, since the image I'd had in my mind was of a headless Elend, and I can't even describe how I felt about that. After that, and through some discussions at TWG about this, I understood that their deaths had to happen, and I realized that it wasn't really their deaths then that bugged me. It was that there was nothing more for them, just like someone above mentioned. Their story was over. Completely. I mean, at least if they'd had a kid, it would've felt a little like their story was still continuing, through their child. But no. There was nothing. A part of me still wishes they had've had a child. But at the same, I know that wouldn't have worked. Their priorities were saving Scadrial; not having children. Children would've thrown off the whole story. Even the characters who survived who had kids didn't start on that until after the world was remade. So yeah. For me, the ending is very bitter-sweet. It's great, but it's terrible. I love it, but I hate it too. And for all of that, I wouldn't change one bit of it. The story is phenomenal, and the ending is perfect for the story.

And since I just finished reading Mistborn again, I'll add my two cents into this. I'm gonna say right now that for some reason with these kinds of hypotheses I tend to base more off the appearance of the actor than the skill of the actor. So there are a lot of actors (like Nathan Fillion) who aren't on here simply because I don't think they look like a certain role (like Kelsier), and that might only be because they have dark hair and the character is a blonde. Or vice-versa. And now. To the casting. Vin--Although it's useless to speculate on Vin, since apparently she's already been cast, I'm going with Dakota Fanning, although I do also really like the look of Maisie Williams (haven't ever seen her act), and Hailee Steinfeld. Chloe Moretz could be pretty good as well. I'm just most familiar with Dakota and I know she's phenomenal as an actress. Kelsier--I LOVE the idea of David Wenham, but I'm also rather partial to Aaron Eckhart as well. Kevin McKidd isn't a bad choice either. Dox--Adam Baldwin. He's old enough to play Dox, since Dox is supposed to be about 40-50, and he's got the look of how I think of Dox. The dark hair and that goatee. And I think he could get the personality of Dox right as well. Hugh Laurie wouldn't be bad either. Nor would Colin Firth, although I have a better idea for Colin Firth. Breeze--When I saw Oliver Platt earlier, I thought that was perfect, but then I saw James Spader and Paul Giamatti as well, and I think any of those three would make an excellent Breeze. Breeze is supposed to be portly, and all of them fit that bill. Plus the humor. Ham--Jeremy Renner or Michael Chiklis. Or Michael Fassbender. There's no one that I really like for this role thus far. And I'm not really liking Michael Fassbender for it since there's a whole slew of other roles in this that he could do. Hence, I think my favorite so far is Jeremy Renner, but that could just be because I'm kind of a major fan of him. And his awesomeness as Hawkeye....Although that's probably just because I have a thing for guys and bows....And that's totally irrelevant to this discussion. Sazed--Ben Kingsley. He's a pretty good pick, appearance-wise. If not him, I like Anthony Stewart Head and Jean Reno. Clubs--I think John Noble is perfect. If not him, I could deal with Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson, or Robert de Niro. But John Noble is by far my vote. He is literally exactly the way I pictured Clubs. Spook--Arthur Darvill. Renoux--Colin Firth. I think he's got the noble look that Renoux would have, and he's skilled enough to pull off that kandra impersonating the nobleman. Yeden--Norman Reedus. He's got a little bit of the look I imagine with Yeden, although Norman is far, far too good an actor to play a role as simple as Yeden. Marsh--Benedict Cumberbatch. Or Zachary Quinto. Or Michael Fassbender. Leaning the most towards Benny Batch. Although, I guess I'm not sure how he'd look bald, and missing that great head of hair. I do think he'd look pretty cool as an Inquisitor and he looks somewhat similar(ish) to either of my top choices for Kelsier. And he's got the acting chops for Marsh. Elend Venture--Andrew Garfield. I think he could totally pull off Elend. At 29, h's a little on the old side to play a 21-year-old, but at the same time, he can look really young. I mean, less than a year ago, he played a high school aged Spider-Man. And it was believable. So, yeah. I think he could definitely play a 21-year-old Elend. And he'd totally peg the personality of Elend as well. I think he's a great actor, and totally under-utilized. Kid's got skillz. Straff Venture--Daniel Craig. Or Christopher Eccleston. For some reason, I picture Straff with that kind of craggy face. I don't know why. I just do. And both these actors are awesome. I actually feel a little bad casting them as the douchebag Straff.... Shan Elariel--Jennifer Lawrence, Amanda Seyfried, or Emma Stone. I'm leaning more towards Jennifer Lawrence. TLR--Tom Hiddleston. I've heard so many options for TLR, and actually I've liked most of them. Hiddles I like the most. I think he'd be insanely good as TLR. The only thing that makes me hesitant is the fact that he'd only be in FE, and I want his awesomeness in more than just one. Bendal--Michael Fassbender. I know, I've said him before. However, this is actually the role I like the most for him. I think he'd look great as an Inquisitor, with his face shape and everything, and Bendal is the most prominent Inquisitor in FE. Kar--Zachary Quinto. Since he was one of my other Marsh choices, and I think he'd look fantastic with spikes. And I love him. It'd be a great semi-small role for him, and he can kind of reprise the evilness of Sylar. It's been too long since I've seen that. WoA Zane--Ben Barnes. I like the idea of Ian Somerhalder, but I'm going with Ben, because he could probably pull off the crazy, and he and Elend need to look somewhat alike as they're half-brothers (and the book does mention that he looks like Elend) and Ben does look a bit like Andrew Garfield. I'm pretty sure at one point I had a really good Cett, but now I can't remember what it was. And Allriane (that was the name of Breeze's girl, wasn't it? I can't remember exactly, and I'm at work so I don't have my book to verify). I'll have to find some good actors for them (along with Spook's girl, and that one Atium Misting obligator who I can't remember the name of but think it started with a Y or something like that....) when I re-read WoA. And HoA. Also, while searching for a Yeden (since I didn't have one when I started this), I found a decent Hoid. Maybe. Simon Pegg? I think it could work. What say you all?

All right. Thanks for all the comments. :)/> Syme. I totally didn't even notice the lack of that kind of technology. I don't know how I managed to miss something like that. Since I saw your comment yesterday morning, I've been doing some research and figuring out what would work in the world. It won't show enough to make it sci-fi, because the focus of the story is on the powers that different powers. And those people typically have different ways of getting what they want. But some of them would still use nanobots in particular, and some bio engineering. AI's should be more prevalent too....So yeah. I'm working on that. I'm also fixing that discrepancy that all of you caught with the number of scientists. Yet another thing I'm not sure how I missed. This is why it's good having other people read my stuff.... Mandamon. I knew you would have issues with the characters. When I submitted it, I knew you'd say something. I'm trying to work on my character development, particularly character description. I know it's extremely important to a story, and I need it. It's something I struggle with since I'm not a character-writer. I focus more on plot, so that tends to get SUPER fleshed-out, and then my characters are left a under-developed. I guess in a way the writing process fleshes out the characters in my head, but I need to put that through so the reader can get to know them. Even if they're minor characters (which the vast majority of characters mentioned thus far are very minor, or fairly minor). ANYWAY. I'm working on it. I've got a friend who's far more character-driven and she said she'd help me fix it up. I'll also work on that part about Emily getting so mad so quick. As for your question about someone putting them up to it...yes. Rem did. He paid them to get her mad. So her suspicion was correct. And about the Coalition vs the World Order. The World Order is the Coalition's policing force. So they're very closely related. I'll try to make that a little more clear. Aubrey. Not that I was trying to put off a Ground Zero/Twin Towers feel to the Crash Site, but I'm not surprised that that's what you got. It doesn't matter in reference to the story, but the Tech Center was actually built at Ground Zero. The Coalition had reasons for putting it there. Mostly symbolic reasons. The Tech Center was a symbol for unity and progress. Most of the cities with Tech Centers had the Centers built at somewhat similarly symbolic locations. But that doesn't matter in reference to the story (which is the only reason I'm saying it here). I'm going to go through and fix that whole section with Emily getting upset and causing the shaking, and when I do that, I'll try to make it so the reader can still connect with her emotions. You're right--it's a little early to be causing any severe disconnects (assuming there's ever a time when it's okay to have a severe disconnect between the reader and the character). And as for the underline instead of italics. That's part of the guidelines for manuscript submission. I figured it'd be easier to just put the underlines in now for italics instead of going through later and changing everything when I end up getting it to a point where I'd feel comfortable submitting it. I prefer italics as well, but alas, I also don't like making more work for myself, especially since I have yet to figure out a way to get Word to replace italics with underlines....

I also liked the interaction with Elizabeth and the kids. I think it worked really well. And although I wasn't confused about how the new guy carried her back to the lodge, I am curious how he managed to stay stable with Elizabeth in his arms like that. He wouldn't have been able to use his poles and with that extra weight, I would think his balance would be off. Unless that has something to do with whatever he can do that keeps Elizabeth from sensing anything from him. Which I think is strength or has something to do with strength. So he's from Lunar Colony. And that actually kind of leads into my biggest issue with the chapter. The infodump. Obviously, since you know it's the weak spot. And yet, it's not so much the fact that it's an infodump that bothers me. It's that the only info it has in regard to Elizabeth and her family is that she is an Empath. And her siblings are something as well. At this point in the story, the things I'm curious to know about are Elizabeth. I don't really care so much about the war and why Lunar Colony existed or even the lack of technology. I want to know what it is about Elizabeth and her family that makes them special. That did get partially answered, but it got horribly outweighed by info I didn't need, so it ended up being a very large hole for me in terms of info. Taking out that infodump will eliminate that problem. So I guess the advice I have with this is keep in mind the biggest questions in the readers' minds at any given point in the story. Don't answer those outright--you want the reader to keep reading after all--but also don't completely answer questions that the reader isn't even asking. Throw in phrases and words here and there to make the reader have more questions about that backstory with the war. What are the biggest questions right now? Why is Elizabeth's family special and only her family? Are Alex and Row Empaths as well? Why did they need to leave in such a hurry? What is Cain hoping to use them for? There's some others as well, but those are the biggest about her and her family. And like I said, they don't need to be answered completely so soon in the story. Please don't. Just a taste of an answer. And I notice you say you don't know how to throw in snippets of info. You have a perfect opportunity with the redhead girl. Does Elizabeth touch her skin? If so, she could sense the emotions. Yeah, they're basic emotions anyone would be able to read off the girl, but this is way to add that snippet of info that Elizabeth isn't quite like a normal person. And once she's done it, she can add just a little more info about what it is she did. Along with that, if Alex and Row have a different ability, maybe she's a little envious of that ability at times. Maybe a situation comes up that she wishes she could do what Row can. Or Alex. You can leave it to Row ajd Alex's POV's about what their abilities are, but that would let us know that they're not Empaths. Assuming that they aren't. I would guess they aren't, since the new guy has strength (I think). Which makes me wonder how he has strength if the specialness was something only Elizabeth's family had. Anyway. The chapter was good. I liked it. It had more in the way of both action and info (infodump not included) than the previous chapter, which was very good. I like how it's coming along.

Thanks again for any help you can give me with this! It's much appreciated...

I really like how much description you've got. It fleshes the world out a lot. I also really like the way the characters are distinctive (I especially like Rowana. I think she's hilarious). I also think it works as a YA, and once the sci-fi element comes into it, it'll work in that genre. Syme mentioned something about not being a teenage girl. Although I'm not a teenager, I am female, and I do still like YA fiction, even if I don't read it nearly as much anymore. What I've read thus far is intriguing to me, in that genre. Now. For what to fix. I agree that it is slow. Very slow. There isn't anything going on. Not even really any questions that are answered that could've been brought up in the prologue. It's not necessary to have a story start right in the action. But if you want to keep readers engaged, you will need to at least answer some questions, or bring questions to mind or something while introducing the characters. I didn't see any of that. I came out of the chapter with the same questions I went into with, and nothing more. I knew the characters more, but I still felt like I was missing something. I don't want to be missing anything, because I like where you started with it in the prologue. Bleys seems bland. Very bland. Especially in reference to ALL of the other characters. Even Keyes has more depth than Bleys does. For what Elizabeth is picking up about all the other characters, she should, logically, be picking up more about her boyfriend. I don't expect him to be as fleshed-out as Rowana at this point, but he should at least beat Keyes, whose entire appearance and description is less than a page. Yeah. So, I liked the chapter in terms of description of the world and the characters. Excellent job on that. And that's enough to keep me reading this early into the book/first act.

I'd like to submit next Monday.

For Jasnah's age: Somewhere else, it's stated that she is 34. I can't remember where, because I thought it was when Shallan first met Jasnah, but that's the quote above. But I do know that somewhere, it's stated that Jasnah is 34. Navani is a few months older than Dalinar. Again, I can't remember where that is said in the book either, but I know that's right. We also know Dalinar is in his 50's. I would guess he's about 52. His age may have been said specifically, but since I don't remember it, I'm going with not (I just re-read the book last month, and am reading it again with someone else). That puts Jasnah at having been borne when Navani was 18-19. Most likely. Dalinar met his wife quite a few years later, and pursued her for a while before finally catching her. We know this because I'm pretty sure it's kind of referenced a little in the book, but then also because Adolin is 23. 11 years younger than Jasnah, and 4 years younger than Elhokar, who is 27. And now back to more on-topic. As for a Jasnah/Kaladin relationship...Since Kaladin is 19/20, I highly doubt there will be any sort of anything there. Besides a mutual appreciation for learning. Maybe they'll become friends or something. But no romance. I can see the potential for a Shallan/Kaladin relationship, based on personality and proximity in age, but the differences in honor have me thinking that's not likely to happen. Shallan is going to have a relationship at some point. I could see Shallan/Adolin happening to an extent. Assuming Adolin drops Danlan (and on that note, I think that if he doesn't, he could die. I have an instinctively bad feeling about Danlan, and have a horrible suspicion she will be the death of him. Which sucks, because I really like Adolin, so I hope he drops her and therefore stays alive...assuming he survives all the other stuff in the series). Or maybe Shallan/Renarin. Or like Cheese Ninja said, an Adolin/Shallan/Renarin love triangle. Or maybe we haven't met Shallan's love interest. And that's all I have to say about the couples. Character arcs.... Shallan's character arc is probably the most interesting to me right now to theorize, because out of the viewpoint characters thus far, she's the most ambiguous. She's clearly got Surgebinding abilities, but at the same time she's very clearly not getting those abilities through any honorable act, like Kaladin or Dalinar (because I'm reasonably certain Dalinar's going to be from another Order of the Knights Radiant). So she's in the group with Szeth who's getting their abilities from something else. Odium, or the Voidbringers, or whatever other theory people have for where. I'm convinced we'll see at least one person from every Order of the KR, and we'll also see someone from each of the 10 Orders of the other two systems--most particularly that of Shallan and Szeth's. The reason her arc interests me, though, is because I'm curious how far she'll fall. Especially with Jasnah there. Jasnah's one of the other KR potentials. And Shallan's about to become surrounded by other incredibly honorable people the second she gets to the SP with Jasnah. And yet, I can totally see her being Odium's Champion, as Cayden brought up earlier. I'm just curious as to how. At some point, Kaladin will return to Hearthstone, and we'll find out what happened to his parents, Roshone, and Laral. And I'm hoping he'll be able to take his revenge on Roshone, and in that vengeance, he'll show his KR abilities, and make Laral wish that she hadn't been such a jerk to him with Rillir. I'm hoping she'll faun over him, and then he'll push her aside and be like "Pft. You think I'm still interested in you? Ha. Move aside, woman. You mean nothing to me." I also wouldn't be surprised if Kaladin did end up marrying a lighteyed girl. Perhaps high-born too. I mean, he's gonna be a KR. Who will care then what color his eyes are/were. Szeth. He's a hard one for me to guess at. I want him to join Dalinar and Kaladin. But I don't know how that would go down, since Taravangian has his oathstone, and I don't get the impression Szeth can just forego being Truthless. I'm pretty sure there will be a big showdown between Szeth and Kaladin when Szeth goes to kill Dalinar. And I don't see Kaladin killing Szeth, but Szeth's not just going to walk away without doing what his master with the oathstone has commanded of him. That means imprisonment, but how do you imprison someone who has a Blade? Take it away from him? How? Many questions here. Very curious what will happen. And now. Deaths. Elhokar. Sadeas. Amaram. Those are the easiest for me to call. I don't think Elhokar will die soon. He'll probably make it to Book 4 or 5. His KR abilities need to come out. Amaram is going to die before Sadeas, and Kaladin will probably kill both of them, but if he doesn't, I hope that he'll get at least one of them. I could see Teft dying at some point, but not before we learn more about the Envisagers and his betrayal of them. Or maybe he won't die at all. He's a hard one to call for certain since Brandon has a 66/33 rate of saving the older mentor-types to his main characters (Galladon and Vasher survived. Kelsier died). If Teft doesn't die, it's safe to say another member of Bridge Four close to Kaladin will die. Rock, Moash, Skar, Lopen. Although I think the first two are more likely than the last two. And that's all my musings about this...for now.

Right now, it takes place on Long Island. That's only mentioned once, very briefly, at least in the version you guys got. I've fixed it up, per advice on here, and it's a more clear. And as for the geography issue....there's an in-world reason for this. Nothing to do at all with the American quirk of not caring about other countries (a quirk I'm quite happy to say that I do NOT adhere to, as I am quite familiar with all of the sovereign countries of the world...absurdly so. I'm a bit of a geography nut. And it bugs me when people, as Mandamon points out, can't find simple countries that ANYBODY should know the location of). Anyway, if you're curious about the in-world reason, I actually hint at it just a little bit in a couple places in the chapter. The biggest hint is when they talk about where Chris is going in Asia. As far as I know, there's no Mandarin Province in any of the countries of Asia as we know it right now... The other hints are more in the cases of the World Order. And the Coalition. But I won't say any more about that here. You'll start figuring out the details of it in the next couple of chapters. Next chapter in particular.

I like this one. I think it's interesting, and I want to see where you take it. I'm guessing because this is a prologue, there will be a time-jump and the kids will be older in Chapter 1. If not, I would suggest making this Chapter 1. My biggest issue right now with is the writing in the point of views. When you're in Alex's point of view, and Elizabeth's for that matter, everything seems more simplistic, which is exactly what it should be. Because they are young children, and understand the world simply. That changes with Rowana. The biggest thing I noticed was when they're walking down the hall or something the term "monochromatic" comes up. And "unadorned." I don't think Rowana would know those terms. Maybe "dull" and "bare" would be better for someone that young. I understand that those words don't say as much. But they work better in the point of view that you're in, because Row is so darn young. I was actually initially surprised you even went to her point of view because of her age, but it worked. One other thing: did their mother die too? It seems like she did, because the flames engulfed where she was, but I looked back over the writing before that and couldn't find anything about her being outside of the ship. And if she is outside of the ship, how can Elizabeth hear what her mother and Cain are saying to each other? Both those issues I mentioned are more minor things that I noticed. Little things that caught me up. I didn't notice anything huge. Most of the other questions I have are the normal kinds of questions at this point, and a curiosity of where the story is going to go from here.

I agree with Syme, for the most part. I really like the premise of it. A backwards species from humans. I think it's cleverly done, at least the building of the species, because it's more than just facial. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. It seemed to me that everything is backwards. For example, when Tahiri berates Quitzil, Quitzil walks away with a dignified stride. I loved that. I also really liked some of the little details you threw in there, like the disinfectant motto. It had me chuckling. Those kinds of clever world-building techniques is something I have a really hard time coming with in my own writing, but I think it's really cool. So good job on that. Now, about Jack. First, I like that he's so caught up in the idea of the glory and fame he'll get by finding this species. My biggest issue with him is his intelligence and perception. Now, some of this can be explained by the fact that this is his first encounter with an alien species, and he's at a severe disadvantage, because this is a brand-new species. I'd consider this kind of like an anthropologist on their first field assignment, with a culture VERY different from their own. It doesn't matter how many classes they have taken, and how many times they've been told not be ethnocentric. That first time, they are going to judge that culture based on what they know. At least for a short time. So based on that, I think it's definitely unlikely for Jack to have put the differences together by the time the females run away from him at the beginning. But I know for a fact I would've had it put together by at least the meal, when everyone is so sad, at a time when they're expected to be merry. And if Jack is even half-way intelligent, he should've had it put together by the end of that meal. But instead, he makes the assumption that they must be pathologically sad. This is so close-minded of him, and if this is true to his personality, I find it extremely hard to believe that whoever Jack works for would allow someone of his mind-set and intelligence level to go out in space where it is very likely he could encounter alien species. I would think they would be more concerned with the relations humans have with those alien species. Of course, I don't know how you'd be able to change that and make him more perceptive, and still have him die at the end. Because obviously, he wouldn't have done what he did with the little girl (if she is indeed a little girl) if he'd known that she was already happy when she was messing around with him, before he decided to 'play' with her and therefore terrify her. Which brought about his death. I guess if you still wanted to end with his death, he could make some other horrible mistake about the people, unrelated to their body language differences. Maybe a cultural blunder, because it's certain they're going to have a different culture than any of the ones Jack would be aware of. So, yeah. Other than that part about Jack, I really liked the story. I didn't even care that it was a clichéd beginning. It was enjoyable, and that's all that matters to me.

Thanks for reading it! Looks like I've got some editing to do... yes! First, Carey. I've gone in and fixed both those places you indicated. More just line edits on the eggs exploding so you can follow the events better. And then a whole lot more thought-process for Emily before she makes that leap to "What am I?" Trizee. I'll go in and clarify those parts. I'm on my phone right now, but when I get back to my computer...in the meantime, I'll explain. The girl threw the eggs at the mother, not Emily. I thought it said that, but maybe not. It's an easy enough fix if I didn't. For reactions....the boss calls the World Order, which is the policing force. Emily was out for the freakout of the mom and the girl. Although if you're meaning Emily's reaction, I could work on that. At least thought-process wise. She doesn't really think much on it at the time. Good catch there. Her mother doesn't have time to react to Emily. Emily says it as she's leaving the room. But her mom does go get her husband, who is a doctor. She's seen concussions before, and Emily seems pretty coherent by this point, but mom's still concerned. I should probably cut down the time she's able to sleep, though, to correlate to that. They wouldn't have let her sleep for an hour. And Oliver. He actually doesn't see the glass. He came up behind Emily after, and heard her question to Anna. He's more looking at her like "what's wrong?" But I'll put that in there, that he walked up behind her and was waiting to pass or something. Aztecs. *I* know that. Erik doesn't. He doesn't care. Which is why he tells his brothers not to correct him, because he knows he's probably wrong. History is David's subject. Not Erik's. Anyway, I'll edit those places to make them more clear. Thanks for the help!

I just realized I haven't done this yet... My name is Kendra. I'm from Idaho. I've got a BA in English from BYU-Idaho. My degree emphasized in Creative Writing. My love of travel showed itself in my minor, which was International Studies. I work in a hotel. I have found, like Brandon, that working a hotel front desk can lend to a decent amount of time to write. Not to mention meeting some eclectic people that can help with character development. My current story I've been working on since 2008. It's gone through many incarnations, and I even sent it out a little bit on RE over at TWG. Those few who are here who may remember that, however, won't recognize it. It's changed that much. Unfortunately, I've never actually completed it. But this time around, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that makes me absurdly happy. I've never finished a book before. But this one, this time, I will. As for reading. I grew up on Michael Crichton and John Grisham, with a little bit of Tom Clancy thrown in. It wasn't until I was in junior high that I found sci-fi. This came in the way of Orson Scott Card. At this same time, I thought I'd never read fantasy (other than Tolkien). I tried the Shannara books in 6th grade and it gave the whole genre a bad name to me. In 7th and 8th grade, I even made fun of some fantasy...specifically Harry Potter. No, I'd never read it. That changed in 9th grade, when I followed my sister into the living room, where she was going to read a chapter of The Goblet of Fire to my other sister. The chapter she read was the Dark Mark, and from then on, I was hooked. I read Harry Potter, and I loved it. I went on to David Eddings, and the Belgariad. Loved it. And now I rarely read anything outside of fantasy/sci-fi. I still love Orson Scott Card, David Eddings, and Harry Potter, but I have since added Patrick Rothfuss, Cassandra Clare, George RR Martin, Meg Cabot, Scott Westerfeld, and Libba Bray to the mix. Just to name a few. I'm also a rather large fan of Phil and Kaja Foglio. And that one Brandon dude someone mentioned above. Anyway. That's me. Nice to meet you all. :-) Edited for--more detail into my reading.

And here go-eth all critiques for the first Chapter of my superhero-ish story 'Crashers'. Thanks!

That's actually exactly what I mean. It's something we've seen in our world many times. Scholars have said a city doesn't exist, only to find that they were wrong. And that's why I say my issues with it is in-world. It makes sense in the fact that that is how scholars are. So Brandon is totally correct in writing it this way, because it's right. My beef is that scholars who think in absolutes about things like this should know that they are going to be wrong. Or at least that there is a very good chance that they will be. But I know that that has nothing to do with the theory or the writing or anything like that. It's just an issue I have with supposedly-intelligent people in general who disregard logic. Even though they are probably thinking they are being logical in making the assumptions they are making.... /tangent. ANYWAY. I think you're right about Vorinism. Which makes it all the more likely Urithiru is in Valhav/Jah Keved. Although why that is considered the place nearest to Honor is beyond me. Thus far.