TwiLyghtSansSparkles

Has the cold ever bothered you?

And would you care for a new knitted cloak, darling? I imagine the afterlife is rather cold.

Scorch is already there in Portland, ready and waiting to be an obstructionist jerk. Nathan and Doctor Funtimes will show up within the next post or so. I had kind of planned for her to be a wild card, for better or worse.

My dearest Queen, are you certain you wish to hire a flatulent minion?

You wish to make Laughing Fool the Helpful Minion of the Newcago Court?

"Hey, Scorch. You take this one. There's a problem with the truck." "What's the problem?" "Dunno. Now it's your problem." Laughing, Flashpoint tossed him the keys, ducking Scorch's fireball. "That's the tenth time I've gotten you with that joke, just so you know." Scorch threw another fireball. It was easier than thinking of a witty comeback—and far more effective, when it caught the corner of Flashpoint's cape. With a yelp, Flashpoint stomped it out, then turned to Scorch with his fists clenched and shook a finger in his face. "Altermind is going to hear about this!" "Yeah, run to Daddy. All you're good for, anyway." Flashpoint narrowed his eyes and marched back into HQ. Scorch smirked. The other half of Altermind's security team might tell the illusionist, and he might whine and wail and stomp his feet while he did it, but little would come of Flashpoint's tantrum. Thougttown's ruler didn't care so much if his two officers fought or ignored each other or sat in the corner and sang "Kumbaya," so long as his little kingdom ran the way he wanted. If worst came to worst, Altermind might call them both imbeciles, but he would never put them on one of the trucks. Speaking of…. What passed for Scorch's good mood dissipated. He let his lips curl into a snarl, which made the dozen or so imbeciles on the eponymous truck shrink back. That lifted his spirits a little. It was right that they should cower in fear. Only natural that they should shrink from their Epic rulers. They were weak, and he was strong. End of story. "Get in," he told a straggler, tossing a small flame as she struggled to climb aboard. It caught the edge of her pencil skirt, eliciting a yelp of terror. Scorch took his time walking to the driver's seat, savoring the smell of burning cloth. With any luck, she would be wearing a much shorter skirt before too long. But it was not to be: There was a chorus of excited cries from the flatbed of the truck, and in a few seconds her skirt was merely singed. Not an inch of length had been lost. Imbeciles. Scorch tossed his flamethrower onto the passenger's seat and started the truck, then turned to speak to the gathered dunces through what had once been glass. "You even think about jumping off 'fore we get outta Thoughttown, I'll roast you alive. Got it?" They assured him they did. He slammed the gas pedal as he put the truck in reverse, then hit the brakes just as hard, smirking as a few passengers were tossed against the railings. It was like driving with a flatbed full of bowling balls, but much more amusing. Bowling balls didn't scream in terror or yelp in pain. The girl in the burned skirt fell against the side, caught by a man old enough to be her father. She looked up at him in gratitude. Scorch loosed a small growl. If he had his way, she would be too busy trying to keep her balance to accept help from anyone. --------------------------------------- Nathan barely slept that night. It wasn’t for want of comfort. After dancing around the forest for a few minutes, chanting about how she loved his new clothes, she turned a cluster of trees into a small cottage, taking care to ensure each side was a different color and that the furniture was suitably fun. All this meant that Nathan slept in a bed painted like a zebra, with colorful blankets and a teddy bear in case he got lonely. Or rather, he tried to sleep. His zebra bed was soft, just the way he assured Doctor Funtimes he liked it. The blankets were warm, the room lit by the pleasant glow of a nightlight. His Newcago apartment paled in comparison, and yet he couldn’t keep his eyes closed for long. Fortuity’s minions had dressed him and strapped him down while he was asleep. Prepared for death, and blissfully unaware. He had been drugged, he reminded himself. He could almost feel the sting of the syringe in his neck, rough hands on his arms as his vision clouded— Nathan threw off the covers and got to his feet, greeted by the softness of a throw rug. Doctor Funtimes had insisted on it. She may have stolen him and whisked him off to a forest two thousand miles west, but at least she wanted him to be comfortable. Even so, she was still an Epic. Still willing and able to slice him open once his eyes were closed. He heard her in the main area, shuffling something around, her voice never rising enough for him to make out her words. When he peered out through the cracked-open door, he saw her on the floor, skirts spread out around her knees like a flower, short dark hair shielding her face from view. A tiny wooden city had her full attention. For the tenth time that night, he considered running. And for the tenth time that night, he dismissed it. She had brought him to Oregon in less than a second. Escaped Fortuity’s penthouse in the blink of an eye. The only reason she stayed longer than that was to give him a sound beating before stealing his toy. If Nathan ran, she would find him, and she would not be kind. Nathan glanced down at the pajamas she had made him. Soft white flannel printed with bright racecars, just his size. His new suit and duster hung in the closet. Despite the childish design, they were the nicest pajamas he had owned in a good while. “You want pancakes?” Doctor Funtimes’ voice rose enough for him to make out the words. “I will give you pancakes!” She turned a throw pillow into a bag of flour, snatched a handful, and tossed it into the air over her little city. Bits of flour became quarter-sized pancakes as they fell. “Yay!” Now she spoke for the dolls within the city. “We love you, Doctor Funtimes! You’re the best Empress ever!” Nathan leaned against the wall, watching in stunned silence. An Epic fantasizing about ruling a city was nothing new. Steelheart was not the only Epic who had carved out a fiefdom for himself; merely the one Nathan knew best. But he didn’t seem to care about his subjects. Only that he had them, and that they would stay his. Public opinion had never been a concern of his, and if one of them proclaimed their love, he might laugh. Or kill them. Nathan went back to bed before she turned around. He lay awake until he heard her tiptoe past his door, peer inside, and tiptoe on. A few hours before dawn, he finally fell asleep.

You could always ask one, Queen Elsa. This one is very helpful.

Or, in less-eloquent terms, a minion for hire.

Epic Name: Scorch Primary Power: Flame generation and shaping. He can conjure fire and direct its shape and movement; however, as he isn't terribly imaginative, he usually opts for fireballs instead of, say, a box for holding prisoners or a battalion of fiery wraiths to keep them in line. The most creative thing he's done with his power is create a flaming vortex with the aid of a wind Epic. They didn't work together long. Secondary Power: Immunity to fire and intense heat, which allows him to conjure fire without burning himself. Personality: Most describe him as "angry," and that is the emotion he seems to display most often. Altermind made no bones about the fact that he barely passed Thoughttown's strict entrance exam, and because of this he has a chip on his shoulder. As part of the town's security force, he's much harsher than he needs to be, which does help Altermind keep an effective grip on the populace. He hates working with others, even other Epics, since it reminds him that he's not as powerful as he would like to be. Still, working for Altermind has given him more power than he would have found on his own, so he sticks around. Appearance: Tall and muscular, with skin that has gotten progressively fairer the longer he's stayed in Oregon. (He's originally from sunny Arizona, but he left when most of the humans in the state cleared out. The hot, dry air made his powers more effective, but there was no fun in using them if there was no one to rule.) He puts bright red streaks through his dark hair, which he wears as a mohawk or flattened, depending in his mood. In keeping with the Epic style, he dresses rather like a Marvel Comics character from the 90s—dark pants, combat boots, no sleeves, too many pockets and pouches for any one man to have, and a flamethrower slung across his back. (Redundant most of the time, but he thinks it looks cool.)

Steelheart: Prof's Crowning Moment of Awesome. Fellow Steelheart fans, you know what I'm talking about. The Emperor's Soul: The revelation of the true extent of Shai's Forgery. It was so beautiful and selfless. Non-Sanderson The Book Thief: "Was it you? Was it from your face that I took the seed?" The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: "Yes! It is more magic!" Tuck Everlasting: Can I say "the whole book?" No? Okay, then my most perfect scene from that book would be the epilogue. I cried. It's just so beautiful and heart wrenching, but it still manages to be a happy ending. Kingdom Come: The scene where Captain Marvel shows up. It's the perfect "Oh crap" moment.

Have you any last words before an eternity of demanding customers and wadded-up clothes, Laughing Fool?

Well—it doesn't technically exist. Not in the way you and I do. But under my curse, he would think it was always Black Friday. Imagine: a store filled with self-centered people, old and young, all moving toward him like a horde of zombies chanting, "Elf on the Shelf….Elf on the Shelf….give us Elf on the Shelf…." I shudder just thinking about it!

May I, O Gracious and Non-Flatulent Queen? May I send him to the land where it is always retail and never anything but Black Friday?

Clarification: I do want him, but I didn't want to steal him from anyone else. It's like watching someone take the food you've mentally claimed, you know?

I can adopt him if no one else wants to.

For your insolence, I shall strand you in an alternate reality where you have no choice but to work retail....and it is always Black Friday! What saith the Court? Is this a fitting punishment?

Of all the nerve! Insulting our fair leader to her face! Stand by while I knit a threatening message into this blanket!

It was a cop out. A very well written and occasionally amusing copout, but a copout. Snicker had no idea how to resolve the mysteries he'd written, so he just...didn't.

That director knew he shouldn't have cast Justin Bieber as Nightweilder, no matter how well his shrill girly voice complimented Faultline's gravelly man voice.

Epics! The Musical hits Broadway and things get weird. Actor (as Steelheart): I have haaaannnnnnnds that can killlllll yooooooouuuuuuu…. Actress (as Faultline): Does that make you saaaaaad? Actor (as Steelheart): Nope!

A Series of Unfortunate Events. They started deteriorating in quality around the 10th book, and the 12th was the last one that was still decent. But ​The End….I'll just pretend that one never happened. Snicket should've called it The Baudelaires and the Island of Endless Discussions about the Human Condition: Serious Fans Turn Back Before Your Pleasant Memories are Sullied. Divergent was another. The first book was fun—no earth-shattering literature by any stretch, but fun—and the second book completely killed me with its lack of logic. (C'mon, Roth, do you REALLY mean to tell me the Erudite have the technology for mind-control but no place to print out a wanted poster? And "death serum"? Were you TRYING to make it sound stupid?) And pretty much everything Ted Dekker has written in recent years has been extremely disappointing, but it was Mortal, the second in his Books of Mortals series, that made me decide to never read anything he writes again.

And if there are any questions or ideas, feel free to post them here or PM me.

"Oooohhh, Lord, devil's dropping off people in the ER!"

Have you seen "How X-Men: First Class Should Have Ended?" Funniest line ever with Azazel.

I loved the first book, but fell out of love when I read the second. I didn't even bother with the third; I just got all the major spoilers from my family.