TwiLyghtSansSparkles

Scorch watched Altermind through the corner of his eye. "I didn't see no Epic," he said warily. An Epic who could make kittens and cards appear was powerful. A powerful Epic meant Altermind's favor, and that meant less power for him. "Just the cards. They could've gotten them from anywhere."

The truth buzzed at the back of his skull, but he couldn't yet pin it down. It was like grasping at water, the way it slid through his fingers. "You....that wasn't you?"

Scorch tossed the flamethrower aside. "So it's you, making all those idiots see pop-up cards and kittens everywhere. And they thought it was a new Epic in town." With another growl, he turned to leave. "Stupid, by the way, making them see all that crap. Just made 'em happy." -------------------------------------- Nathan held his breath as Doctor Funtimes giggled. "They're rolling! Those cans are rolling!" ​As cans are wont to do. "Just turn them into a fun surprise and we'll go. Remember the plan?" She had already given kittens, cards, and toys to humans who had been dropped off at various locations throughout the city, and each prank had lifted her mood a little more. This was good. A happy Epic was a less dangerous Epic. She giggled again. "I remember." With a snap of her fingers, the cans became two dozen fluffy yellow ducklings that quacked and waddled across the floor. She clapped her hands. "They're going to think it's so much fun!" "All right, let's go. Let them wonder who did it." With another giggle, she took his arm, and the shop, humans, and shop owner vanished.

'Murica!

What do you eat, Laughing Fool? A steady diet of Bubble Yum and Fruit Roll-Ups, I presume?

Scorch was unable to carry out his plan. He eased the truck into the carport, shut off the ignition, and reached for his flamethrower. The weight was familiar, but the balance was all wrong. He growled to himself, slinging it over his back without looking at it. Probably just Altermind, taking out his anger over his and Flashpoint's spat by making him think it was a squirt gun or a sack of potatoes or something. It happened with enough frequency that Scorch barely noticed anymore. On his way inside, he thought about the imbeciles. Carting them around the city was his least favorite activity by far. Flashpoint knew that, and still he made him take his job. What Scorch wouldn't give for a nice jumping cholla. Place it near Flashpoint during one of his tantrums, wait for him to flail his arms, and laugh as the lightly poisoned spines leapt onto his arm and burrowed themselves there. Storms, he missed Arizona. Scorch knew he had to report to Altermind once the imbeciles were safely carted away. This made him angry. On his way into the throne room, he whipped out his flamethrower—which Altermind had apparently made him think was some kind of water cannon—and fired, waiting for a burst of flame. Instead, pudding shot out of the barrel. Scorch growled. Altermind had never made him think anything but flame shot from his flamethrower. He might change the shape, but not the function. This was a new low, even for him. "This ain't funny, Boss."

Curse iPhones and their deceptively wide screens!

"They….they didn't join?" There was no urge to point out Doctor Funtimes' statement of the obvious. If Nathan had learned one thing in four years of serving Epics, it was that they did not appreciate sarcasm. Unless, of course, it was at another's expense. "Maybe someone else will." "You did." Her brown eyes shone for a moment, then dimmed again. "Why didn't they?" It was literally join you or die, was what he didn't say. If she heard that, it was only a small leap from "I joined you so I wouldn't die" to "If they're threatened with death too, they might decide your parties aren't so bad." Doctor Funtimes sank to the floor, her skirts fluffed out around her. "I…I thought that…." She pounded her fist against the worn linoleum, transforming a nearby square into a bear trap. "They're stupid!" They're not stupid. Just scared of an Epic who hides in vacant apartments with a cake. Cakes were at the friendly end of the spectrum. At the other end were acids and bear traps. Sparks, was every Epic on the planet this dense? "Maybe if you left them fun surprises, they'd want to join you more?" "I did! A whole cake!" "Maybe you need to move a little slower. Give them something fun, and leave. Let them wonder who did it." "But….but then they won't know it's me!" Nathan forced a smile and crouched on the floor with her. "That's the fun of it! If they don't know it's you, they'll be wondering, 'Hmm, who could have possibly turned my pile of garbage into a chocolate fountain? I'll bet that person sure is fun!'" "And…and then they'll want to join my party?" There's a slim chance, but it's better than none. "Probably. So what do you say?" A huge grin spread across her face, and the bear trap became a kitten. Nathan disguised his relief as joy. "See? Now that's more like it." --------------------------------------------------- Scorch's truck made the rounds through Portland's neighborhoods, dropping off imbeciles in twos and threes. There was a tentative agreement with the other Epics in the city: Altermind could give them his imbeciles, but only in small quantities. Said imbeciles would be put to work, or suffer the consequences. As the number of passengers in the flatbed dwindled, Scorch noticed a pattern. The moment he lurched from the stop, the rest would turn and watch. Sometimes nothing happened. Sometimes, an imbecile or two would wander from the building they had just entered, holding a puppy or a toy car or a pop-up card. At first, Scorch thought it a joyous reunion of idiots—their families welcoming them home—but they usually just hugged and cried and dragged them inside. By the time his truck was empty, Scorch still hadn't puzzled out what it all meant. He decided to drop it. A few kittens were nothing to Altermind. He'd just make them think they were wild horses or something.

And the peasants rejoice!

Yak meat is delicious. I think everyone should know about it.

Yak meat! You know. Meat…. …from a yak…. It's tasty!

I wasn't expecting a happy ending either, but I was expecting an ending that followed the books' setup. That second-last scene with the Count and Kit—it was a good scene, but it didn't fit with the rest of the series. There was no setup, no foreshadowing, nothing at all to lead the reader to the same conclusion, yet that was what we got. I think that was the first series where I actually felt cheated by the ending.

Does your human form enjoy yak meat?

I am Knight and Knitter of the Newcago Court, so if I join the Observers could….could I still eat yak meat? I'd share!

Argh! Sorry about that down vote, on the other thread, Mailliw! I meant to do the opposite, but it was on my phone and I have stupid fingers. :/

Thanks I'm excited to see it.

All the Sharders, down in Shardville Were cutting their quills Preparing for war Not heading for hills. But one Sharder was not happy. No, not one bit. He glared at the Sharders And wished that they'd quit. "War is coming," growled the Minch, "It's coming, I fear, "War will reach Shardville! "It's practically here!" Sorry. I couldn't resist.

I say it's quite all right, but you must ask our Queen and Princess. As for me, I say... Yak meat? There is never a wrong time for yak meat.

Perhaps. But in every book I've read where there was some sort of mystery (which, come to think of it, was nearly every book I've ever read) the mystery was resolved, or partially resolved, by the end. If a question was brought up repeatedly and not answered right away, it was expected that it would be answered by the end of the book or series. Here's a few examples: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Why is everyone excited that the Pevensies are in Narnia? (Resolved.) Who is Aslan? (Resolved.) Why is the White Witch so nice to Edmund? (Resolved.) The Great Gatsby: Who is Gatsby and why is he so rich? (Resolved.) Why is he so obsessed with Daisy? (Resolved.) Why is he so chummy with Nick, whom he barely knows? (Resolved.) Oedipus: Why is there a famine? (Resolved.) What does Jocasta have to do with the famine? (Resolved.) Why is it important that Oedipus was adopted? (Resolved.) You're right: I did go into that series with the wrong expectations. But they were expectations created by years of reading and learning from stories where many of the important questions are answered by the end. If Snicket was going to overturn centuries of literature forming those expectations in his series, he probably should have been a little more careful about it.

That was sort of my theory. That Calamity was the first Epic, and a gifter at that. If that's the case, I wonder if Calamity isn't malevolent, using his/her powers to make other Epics evil. I've also wondered if Calamity doesn't spread some sort of virus that makes other Epics evil.

He woke to light shining through his curtains. Nathan sat bolt upright, heart pounding, threw off the blankets and dashed to his closet. He tore the shirt and suit from their hangers and dressed as quickly as he could, cursing the seemingly endless rows of buttons. The only light in the city came from Epics and searchlights, and if a searchlight was shining through his curtains, he had minutes before Enforcement was beating down his door. He should have known this would happen. Should have known Fortuity would hunt him down, even as far as Oregon— Oregon. Nathan stopped tucking in his shirt and considered the word. Oregon. Yes. Six states away from Newcago. It wasn’t a searchlight shining through his window, but sunlight. Real, natural sunlight. It warmed his back and made the blue curtains glow. He threw them open and laughed, squinting from the glare. Once his eyes adjusted, he saw trees—real, growing trees, brown and green, with birds alighting in their branches. The sky was blue and clear, and there, directly to the west, was the sun. It shined with a purity all its own, so blindingly beautiful Nathan couldn’t keep his eye on it no matter how badly he wanted to. “Na-than!” Doctor Funtimes sang his name as she knocked on his door. Without waiting for permission, she opened it, sending the smell of pancakes and sugar wafting into his room. “C’mon! Grab a pancake and let’s go! There’s a party in Portland today!” -------------------------------------------- Portland was full of people—humans, mostly, who walked quickly as though afraid of being stopped and berated for it. People in Newcago walked much the same way. There were no Epics around, so far as Nathan could tell, but from the nearly palpable fear in the city, he knew they had to be close. “So where’s the party?” Doctor Funtimes giggled. “Don’t know yet. We’ve got to find it first.” She saved your life, he reminded himself. That was her party. Saving your life. “Where do we look?” “Hmmm…..” She tented her eyes with her hand, although the only sunlight came from behind a thick cover of clouds. There was sun behind those clouds, not just darkness. Nathan still hadn’t wrapped his mind around that fact. “I know! Let’s hide in a building and when somebody comes in, we’ll tell ‘em they’re at the party! That’s a good idea, right?” It was a terrible idea, but Epics didn’t take kindly to being told they were wrong. “Sure. Where do we hide?” She chose a vacant apartment in a half-abandoned building as their first hideout. Once there, she turned a moldy, moth-eaten sofa into a colorful beanbag chair and a rickety table into a four-tier cake complete with bright frosting balloons and eight sparklers on top serving as candles. “This is going to be so much fun!” she giggled. Nathan did his best to look enthused, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the apartment’s previous tenants. There was a child-sized T-shirt crumpled on the floor, made useless by mildew and moths. Breakfast dishes decayed in the sink. Whoever had lived there before had left in a hurry. If Doctor Funtimes noticed, she didn’t seem to care. She beat Fortuity, Nathan told himself. If we meet whatever Epic ran this family out, she can cover us both. Provided, of course, she wasn’t too busy trying to get said Epic to join her party. Before long, Nathan heard the rattle of a pickup truck through the broken window. Rather than continue on, it lurched to a halt, drawing shouts of surprise from its passengers. “Two of you off,” a voice growled. “Rest of you stay on.” Doctor Funtimes pranced to where he stood. “They’re here!” she giggled. “Let’s go hide!” He let her drag him toward the counter and ducked when she did. Footsteps stopped by the door, and two voices discussed whether or not to go inside. Doctor Funtimes clapped her hands quietly. “Here they come here they come!” The door creaked open. Footsteps halted. A female voice spoke. “There’s a….cake?” Before her companion had a chance to reply, Doctor Funtimes jumped out from behind the counter. “Surprise! Welcome to my party!” They fled screaming. --------------------------------------- Just before he rounded a corner, Scorch caught two imbeciles fleeing the apartment building in terror. He chuckled. The sight of frightened imbeciles always cheered him. An older woman turned in her seat. Over the growl of the engine, Scorch only caught “….Epic in there?” “You really think an Epic would waste time on those two?” No one answered, but Scorch laughed anyway. “An Epic. Scaring them. You morons.”

Chicken kebabs it is, then.

True, but he also spent most of those books leading us to believe the sugar bowl was important, implying that he would explain why by book 13—and then he didn't. Coherent, yes. Honest, not completely. And I'm all for turning the tropes of a genre on their heads, but in mystery novels, you kind of have to solve the main mystery by the end of the book/series.

Shall I knit a few traps and fill them with tasty yak meat, Highnesses?