Kobold King

Can CorpseMaker be played by Peter Capaldi from now on? Please?

I'm totally gonna make an Epic called the Conductor whose power is making people burst into song.

My conception of Sentinel is the most drunken, slovenly Weeping Angel you've ever seen. And interestingly enough, Sam already knows him. He had a habit of turning himself to stone and napping in random parts of the neighborhood, and she made a special point of drawing on him with a marker whenever she came across him. ...mind blown.

I look forward to her introduction! I suppose she'll be Funtimes' archnemesis? Anyone who takes such a cavalier attitude towards destroying sugar must be her enemy. I'm also considering introducing Sentinel, the Epic I adopted from Voidus, next time Lightwards is in the city.

It was sort of a surly, "I'm gonna turn your orange juice into acid while you're drinking it" kind of giggle. Epic!Rarity eventually made an uneasy truce with him and made him a dinosaur, all while singing a parody of "The Art of the Dress." It's a weird RP.

The worst part is, that's exactly what happened to her, though in a slightly different context. Sam will be back to wisecracking after these messages. (I don't think I'd do so well around Epics either.)

In every apocalypse people turn up missing in action. There's no reason for Epics to be exempt--particularly if there are meta reasons to treat them as such. Typing up an RP post in my drowsy state last night led to a lower quality, rather melodramatic post, but it did lead to the revelation of the Epic from Remington's past. Koschei. I like the sound of that--I read online that Koschei was the Master's name in the Doctor Who expanded universe. Which means that now we have the Master and the Doctor in the same RP.

But where would I even find a fission bomb? Lightwards thought irritably. He tore a page out of his notebook and fed it to the Stegosaurus, which seemed to the least picky of his saurian Warriors. Sauriors? No, that was a stupid thought. As the idle plans for planting a nuclear bomb in Thoughttown disappeared down the dinosaur's gullet, he looked up and noticed that Altermind emissaries had appeared on the front steps to the Museum. It's about time, he thought with annoyance. Still, he smiled and approached them. He still didn't know the blindfolded man's name, though he knew enough to be wary of him. While that black blindfold should have obscured all vision, he still looked into Lightwards' face as if he had the eyes of a hawk. Voidgaze was standing beside him, wearing a tank top and short shorts that were wholly unsuited for diplomacy. Though at least she wasn't staring at him like she had in the steakhouse the previous night. Sending Nighthound away before their arrival had been a good decision on his part. The pair was intently surveying the Museum's tropical backdrop. Still smiling, Lightwards strode over beside them, petting Phoenix's Coelophysis that he'd left in the building. "Good morning, Ms. Voidgaze," he said warmly, reaching out to shake the girl's hand. Turning to the blindfolded Epic, he added "And good morning to you--I don't believe we've been formally introduced. I am Lightwards, Emperor of Light and Victor over Death. And you are?" Revolution Sunburst Jones took a deep breath, wiped sweat from her brow, and leaned against the wall. She'd used a chainsaw before, but only for cutting firewood. This had been a battle. While she hadn't killed anyone--wouldn't kill anyone, even if Funtimes turned her shirt into gasoline--she was still a bit stressed by the experience. Then there was a giggle and a light. Funtimes began handing out headlights to the whole party, illuminating the dark crawlspace. She saw that Sam was still shaking, looking thoroughly disturbed. The poor girl was even paler than usual, and that was saying something. Remington, in an unexpected show of kindness, gave her a pat on the back and handed her a headlight. Traveler and Funtimes disappeared a moment later, likely going to carry on the battle. That was comforting--whatever the good Doctor had in store for her pet people, it didn't involve being impaled by Lucentia the Diamond Queen. If not, she wouldn't have left them behind. As the Doctor's voice shouted "Oh Lu-cent-i-a!" from upstairs, Revolution scooted closer to Sam. "You all right?" she asked. "You look pale." "Just my complexion," the other girl mumbled. She looked lost in thought, angry. "Something the matter?" Revolution continued. "Funtimes is powerful enough to take Lucentia, so I wouldn't worry about that." Sam shook her head. "It's not that. They're just... they're just all the same. They can't just leave us alone..." She trailed off. Revolution nodded knowingly, then smiled, putting her arms around Sam and Remington. The Unicyclist was a little too far away for a hug, but she beamed at him nonetheless. "Just relax," she told them all. "Funtimes is taking care of things, and eventually she'll get bored enough to let us get away. Then you can all visit where I live. We'll all be laughing our heads off over this and eating fresh summer squash." The sound of shattering crystal rang up from above, as did what sounded like the buzzing of some great flock of birds. "Just you wait and see..."

When I imagined that man striding into a casino and loudly proclaiming "I AM SNAKEHANDS. SERVE ME, LESSER MORTALS," I laughed loud enough to draw curious stares from people in the room. Pixie's Lantern was entirely built after Calamity--in fact, the name of the commune is a particularly whimsical reference to the star. Most of the residents came from other communes and towns across Oregon but were brought together by circumstance. Trying to write up a post in Oregon right now, but it's midnight here and I might fall asleep at the keyboard before I finish.

Unfortunately my knowledge of Thirty-Fourth Century history peters out after the Benson Cyberarchy. Good textbooks on the era are impossible to find.

Lightwards' powers are a little on the underwhelming side compared to the other heavy-hitters, but his resurrection ability is extremely powerful. He created fully healthy dinosaurs out of microscopic protein fragments, and theoretically he could resurrect himself from just a single cell. A can of spam is composed of a large and probably unhealthy number of pigs all crammed and mixed together in a single can. With just a couple of cans Lightwards could raise a veritable herd of undead swine. Sigh. If only I'd gotten a chance to do that in the Nighthound battle like I'd planned... If Nathan survives the RP, maybe he'll pay his friends a visit after he hears about Steelheart's death. Revolution's commune is far and remote, cloistered in the middle of the Oregon wilderness and impossible to reach by road. It's distant enough from the rest of human civilization to allow a group of around a hundred hippies to live in peace, undisturbed by Epic marauders or human raiders. They call their little commune Pixie's Lantern. About half of the Pixie's Lantern population is comprised of pre-Calamity hippies. The other half is comprised by more ordinary people who converted to the lifestyle after their friends and family started destroying the world. They are a pacifistic group of gardeners and gatherers. Since most of the people there are vegetarians, Revolution has a lot of experience gardening and gathering plants. She weeded the gardens and ventured out into the local forest to dig up edible roots, learning her share of survival skills as she did so. She has a number of friends in the commune, and lives with her mother and aunt. Her father died in Astoria a few years previously. They don't know what Epic killed him, and frankly Revolution doesn't care to know--feeling too much hate for a single Epic wouldn't do much good for her pacifism. What was Revolution doing in Portland? Well, let's just say that Calamity has Roses and someone told her the last bag of wasabi seeds on the west coast was in the city. She thought she'd prove herself by retrieving them as she traveled by, but got rounded up by a crazed Epic on a dinosaur during the trip. Is Snakehands an Epic from Steelheart I forgot somehow, or is he your creation?

Nope, not at all. Remember that the morning before the museum heist he was frying himself a can of spam. But when he's around Epics he doesn't trust--which is to say, when he's around other Epics--he prefers to keep the meat reserved for defensive purposes. My turn. Does Nathan have any desire whatsoever to go back to Newcago at this point? Does he have enough friends, family, or maybe a girlfriend to draw him back there?

Well it's good to know she has some limits. As long as I'm grilling you on her powers anyway, is there a definitive size limit? I'm guessing there must be, or else the moon would already be made of literal cheese in the Oregonverse. Joe, am I next in the Museum?

Warbreaker is my absolute favorite title. Massive spoilers for the fore-mentioned book below.

There's a reason the Jäger family coat of arms is a trollface. She couldn't make humans even if she wanted to? Hmm... that's actually pretty interesting. What would happen if she tried to make a gorilla, a dolphin, or a raptor?

Pralines vs spiders. One of these is the obvious choice for ending a confrontation, and one of these has eight legs and is probably what Lucentia will end up choosing. And once again I'm completely bewildered by the level of untapped power Funtimes must have. She can produce living, thinking creatures out of the dust on a kitchen floor. If she can create a healthy hamster out of a gun, what's stopping her from making her own human servants out of statues?

I laud your efforts, each and every one of you. Now there is a devoted thread for downvoting any post I make. Head on over and have a blast!

Following TwiLyght's lead I ponified an Epic from Sam's backstory.

Epic things will happen, that's for sure. Welcome to the forum!

Buy--dance seems to be a topic that interests Brandon Sanderson, and it definitely fits the magic system. There will eventually be a time travelling Epic in the Reckoners series.

I fully expect this to end with the complete destruction of Funtimes' little cottage. Some will mourn this as a tragedy, others will laud it as the greatest victory for fashion since the jester hat. Also, this is what Lucentia's kingdom is, no doubt about it.

3315. The first cyborg was elected President of the Neon Union, marking a point of significant progress for the InClusionist political party. President Thomas Benson (serial number 219034359uu320) went on to reflush the Titanian economy and mend relations with the Empire of the Tainted Blood. It was an interesting year in many ways.

This woman--Marigold, was it?--pulled away from Phoenix, still smiling. She took off her hat, letting thick brown hair fall down to her waist. She was a good-looking woman; if she were shorter and maybe a little younger, Aldo could easily have imagined her as one of his assistants in the old magic show. Though with the woman's insistence on wearing such formal attire, it was unlikely she'd be keen on one of the revealing stage outfits he still carried around with him. "I am this man's wife," the lady Epic explained. "I have spent the last nine months searching for him after I lost track of his movements. We were victims of an epic attack you see, and I thought it was some sort of revenge move against me as I had recently gained my own powers and had some rather unfortunate accidents with some test... uh subjects." Aldo shot Cricket a look--she looked uncomfortable, but he felt his interest piqued. Could it be? He'd heard stories and whispers of facilities designed to replicate the powers of Epics. Was it possible that she and Phoenix were involved with such a place, or was he reading too much into his deductions? The lady continued. "Yes, well, I didn't want to bring any more attention to our work, and I couldn't have my dear one getting hurt because of me so, so I ran. But then I couldn't live without him so I changed my mind and tried to find him." She looked at her husband sadly. "You have confused him. You were going to hurt him. I am an epic and I don't think you want to find out exactly what kind. So I am afraid I will have to intervene here, unless you will let us leave?" Turning to the door, she said "Good day to you" in a courteous voice. Aldo smiled at her. "What kind of Epic you are? I think it's obvious you're an animal controller. I saw those birds and rats of yours." Cricket joined in. "And I saw that funny business with the doorknob. You're a teleporter to boot." "And in case we haven't been quite clear," Aldo continued. "We haven't touched a hair on your darling dear," Cricket finished. Aldo gave her a look, causing her to shrug. "I couldn't resist the rhyme, OK?" Aldo ignored her and continued. "We merely wished to help your husband. Ask him and he'll agree that his consent he gave for free." He sighed and glanced at his assistant. "Great, now you have me doing it." Traveler and Lucentia postured back and forth to one another for a couple more minutes. It was always the same with Epics. They were like tomcats sizing each other up before fighting. All of them thought they were the biggest and most important predators around--and none of them seemed to realize just how sparking petty they sounded when they did it. So she gave a yawn and leaned against the wall. If there was one thing Samantha Trattner prided herself on, it was knowing pettiness when she saw it. ”Alright," said Lucentia haughtily. "I might have overreacted to your Doctor over there dancing around an old wound of mine and the other girl implying that I sleep with my brother. Honestly, if you feel the need to defend incest, laughing at people in a wheelchair and being rude in general, that´s your life choice.” Incest? What the sparks? Sam gave the diamond princess a blank stare before the pieces clicked together in her skull. Lucentia had mentioned a brother, right? She'd only been half paying attention, but now it made sense. The bearing with which Lucentia held herself. Those facial features, that distinctive nose. Lucentia's brother was the second worst Epic in Portland--Nighthound. Her jaw dropping slightly, Sam looked across the steel box to Revolution, who nodded with a smile. Apparently the most world-wise of hippies had already figured it out. Traveler didn't seem surprised by the reveal. Perhaps he had already figured it out, or perhaps Lucentia had flat out told him sometime when Sam wasn't paying attention. But his face was growing darker. Furious. Oddly enough, he looked far more furious now than he had when called Remington into the kitchen. Traveler didn't reply to Lucentia, but Funtimes did. "You're not in a wheelchair, silly!" she exclaimed, hopping to her feet and smiling broadly. "Well, now you are." Lucentia's chair and makeshift throne suddenly grew firmer beneath her, becoming a wheelchair. More strikingly, the smooth white silk of her dress warped into smooth white bread. Lucentia's dress became a flowing gown made of strung together PB&J's. "If you stop being a meanieface," Funtimes continued. "I'll undo that seat belt and put your dress back the way it was. If not… That wheelchair really likes peanut butter and jelly. That's his favorite snack." A low growl emanated from underneath Lucentia. Revolution Sunburst Jones was smiling from not far away. "I've seen less tasteful dresses, if you know what I mean," she said coolly, her face mirthful but her voice deadpan. The threats, reality-warping, and puns seemed to drive Lucentia into a rage--what happened next was almost too quick to keep track of. Red diamond spikes jutted out of Lucentia's body, flying out over the room and stabbing into walls. Sam suddenly realized how much she'd overreacted when the diamond swallowed her sock. That crystal had been slow and languid--these were as fast and lethal as bullets. She hardly had time to think before the red spines filled the room, fusing together to form thin but indestructible walls. She lost track of Revolution, the Doctor, or the Unicyclist. She was stuck in an enclosed diamond cell with Traveler. And stepping through a wall came Lucentia, her body no longer wrapped in sandwiches. Her skin was covered in black diamonds that interlocked with one another like scales. Thin wires connected her to the walls. “Now, from what I have seen your girlfriend can´t transform my diamonds," Lucentia gloated. "Is there anything you can do that doesn´t involve running away or begging for my mercy?” Not really, Sam thought with a sinking feeling. Sure, I could enrage her with a crack about incest... but I'd rather my last joke have a bit more class... Then, like an angelic chorus through the diamond, came Funtimes' psychotic laugh. "Tra-vel-er! Don't go anywhere! I've got a surprise for you!" A spinning blade sliced through the wall of crystal, sending sparkling debris hurtling in a dust cloud throughout the room. Funtimes was grinning wildly, holding a chainsaw that glittered with diamond dust. Epics are slontzes, Sam thought, But some of them at least have style. She took Traveler's hand along with Funtimes, and a series of jaunting teleports assembled the other servants and brought them into the kitchen. Sam stumbled slightly, still not feeling comfortable with the teleporting. An Epic was trying to kill them and Funtimes was laughing and diamond-studded chainsaws were appearing on the wall... Sam leaned against a cabinet, trying to stay focused. Though every time an Epic saw her she was at risk of death, she'd had surprisingly few attempts on her life in the past. Those black moments when an Epic had tried to kill her ranked among the worst days of her life. She felt the cool smooth surface of a diamond under her sockless foot and leaped away from the wall with a start. Lucentia's red spears were jutting through the walls and reaching into the kitchen. It was as if beyond the kitchen's narrow doorway was an enormous red monster intent on impaling them all with its quills. Sam felt herself taking a chainsaw from Funtimes, hearing the mad Epic instruct her to "have fun." Was this the real reason the Doctor picked her up? Did the good Doctor like having a continuous supply of human cannon fodder to throw at offending Epics? "You're shaking," Revolution whispered in her ear suddenly. "Hold the saw like this so you don't hurt yourself." Sam limply let the other woman guide her arms into place. Revolution gave a smile that could have been unnervingly flippant, but somehow seemed to be reassuring. Sam nodded and faced the rest of the cottage. Red crystal glistened in the early sun's rays. The diamonds grew like thorny vines, crouching and preparing to spring. They massed like a tidal wave before the crash of a tsunami. Sam felt herself grow tense. Through the opaque crystal walls was a black silhouette, raising her arms and gesturing towards them-- The diamond lunged in attack. Sam lunged her chainsaw into the red wave, a shining cloud of red jewels flying around her. Lightwards glared irritably out the window. Shouldn't Funtimes have come by now? He shook his head and sighed. The woman probably literally didn't know the meaning of the word "punctual." He'd have to have a chat with her about this sort of thing. Did she think she was being fashionably late? Giving a slight tut tut, Lightwards pulled out a notepad he had found and started scribbling.

We should write a book. The Question: 101 Writing Prompts You'll Never Hear on Writing Excuses.