Kobold King

#TwoFawns

#SongOfSolomon

"...Why is there an entire folder on your computer where you've saved every picture I've ever posted on Facebook?" "Because your face is a treasure, and this is my vault!"

Would 'Princess Sparkletimes' retweet it? Aww, shucks.

If you like, and if it fits with the post. Deathwish would either say "Nice rack!" as he walked by, or would pointedly stare at her chest for a minute before smirking and giving her a thumbs-up. Though like I said, don't feel obligated to put it in. This is hardly the last chance Deathwish is ever going to get to be sleazy. That'd be awesome. Thanks.

That hashtag would drown the whole Question thread. 90% of #OregonProblems are #BacktrackProblems. Yes. He'd gesture some guards to escort her to her new quarters, and to do so as politely as possible. I don't mind writing the summary. But could I send it to you first when it's written, to get your stamp of approval? Or condemnation...? Really? I think I remember that. If you have your revised timeline still, would you mind updating the wiki timeline real quick, just to avoid confusion?

Kobold uses link to the timeline! It's super effective!

Subsumer Ferrings hate him!

Beast Boy and Raven. ...What do you mean that's a fan-made ship and isn't actually a part of their narrative? Didn't you see their hug in episode six of season three? That was more than a hug between friends! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROMANCE IN THE AIR, PEOPLE! Ahem. WALL-E and EVE had a touching romance too, and I think it has the advantage of actually being confirmed by the movie as canon. What is your favorite task to do around the house, like cleaning or laundry? Are there any you find relaxing?

This is clearly not a movie for Alethi children! I'm not sure how it got away with a PG-13 rating.

Either way, Weird Al should do a song about it. I don't know what to write. Just give a general summary of their conversation, ending with Funtimes entering the cottage?

#GMProblems? Who should post next, then?

Dalles post finally up! Redlight: Backtrack: I'll go for tying him up. Lightwards feels the pressing need to assert his dominance right now. I'm fine with either. You're the boss.

Crocodile tears. That's what they had to be, right? No Epic would cry over an unrequited love. Not one as destructive and sociopathic as miss Shiny Sparkle. Rhonda had files on every Epic on the west coast, and if she'd learned one thing from them, it was that Epics took what they wanted with no remorse. When one wanted food, he took it and left a trail of dead shoppers behind them. If one wanted a house, he'd kill everyone within it and bring in fresh new curtains to match the bloodstains. If one desired a woman, he'd take her, in front of her whole family if it so pleased him. So tears from a psychopath like Shiny, one who thought explosions were fun and her breasts were worth more than honest negotiation? That wasn't just a lie. It was insulting. "Please," Rhonda snapped at the sobbing harlot. "Get off our carpet and get a hold of yourself. Whatever sympathy you're trying to squeeze out of us--" She cut off at a sharp look from Vondra, who was glaring at her with anger in his eyes. Oh, so now he chooses to grow some compassion. It was unclear whether the commander was showing earnest pity or just plain tact, but either way his next words to the Epic were kind. "We don't mean to attack you," he reassured her, slumping in his chair and pressing his fingers together. "Nor are we trying to cause you anguish." Shiny's sobs grew louder, as she rocked back and forth with her arms around her knees. "Ms. Sparkle," Vondra continued sharply. Her crying quieted somewhat, as if she were trying to listen to what he had to say. "You need not make a decision about joining the City Guard tonight. You are welcome to spend the night in our guest quarters, however, provided you refrain from roaming free across the city until the sun rises tomorrow morning. We can talk again tomorrow morning, when our tempers are cooler and we've both had some time to rethink our approaches to one another." The Epic's crying was dying down now, though she still sniffled. If she was faking it, then she was good at it--she looked legitimately like she was struggling to regain her composure, and would probably be answering any moment now. Rhonda, however, had no need to witness that. She'd tried to assert control over this situation, but as usual she'd been shoved back in the box that Vondra kept her in. Bitterly she pulled out her tablet and opened her files, looking for known teleporters and successful assassination attempts against them. What else could she do? She was just a humble secretary, after all. Mercifully, MV took over in talking to the scary old man. "I'm MV," she explained. Her voice sounded like she'd stayed awake all night watching the complete last season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine without breaks between episodes. Or... well, the point was that she sounded tired. "Momentum Epic cleared by Autumn, this is Backtrack. My twin sister went missing during that attack, trying to protect the city from getting crushed by those animal freaks.We tried to track her down but someone decided to start blowing up half the city so we couldn't search anymore." Backtrack thought her summary was wonderfully concise, but the stern old grandpa's eyes narrowed. "Alright," he acknowledged crisply. "But where did you come from?" Unfortunately, the pretty blonde girl just tugged on Backtrack's sleeve and leaned against his arm with her eyes closed. Usually that'd delight him. Now, expecting her to give an explanation that would make the old man's eyes stop drilling into them, it was kind of frustrating. "Um, I'm Backtrack," said Backtrack nervously. "This is MV..." "She just told me who you are," the old Epic snapped, exasperated. His fists were clenched and his teeth were gritted, as if he'd had a very stressful day or had just learned Firefly had been cancelled. Or... "I'm asking," Arsenal continued, voice dangerous, "Where you came from, and what you expect me to do for you?" Backtrack squeaked in spite of himself. "I... I..." And then he began blabbering. The same stress that was weighing on MV seemed to take him in equal measure, and he just realized she was leaning on his hurt arm,and he was tired and he found himself rambling on and on about the day's events. He started talking about Lightwards and the Empire, unable to stop himself. He whined about how creepy Nighthound was. He complained, anger tinting his voice, about how Lightwards pushed him around and pointed a gun at him and made him give directions to a baker's house for some reason and then sent him to The Dalles so he could collect info on Remington Springfield-- --that drew a raised eyebrow from Arsenal, but Backtrack continued without paying attention-- --And then he came here, where he saw all the terrible things Koschei did and then he got arrested for the first time in ever, and then Reader was mean to him and then shot him on the arm, but that was okay because the nice doctor took care of it and gave him cocoa but then the friendly redhead was kidnapped by the evil sparkly redhead, who stole his glasses and teleported off with them, and then they marched all over town looking for MV's sister who'd learned how to fly, and then he remembered if he wasn't back to Portland soon Lightwards would probably send Nighthound after him, and Nighthound would do terrible and awful things to him-- "Enough," Arsenal growled abruptly, sounding even more irritated than he was before. "For God's sake, how do you even have that much breath?" "I don't, really," Backtrack sniffed. "Do... do you think I could get a bottle of water?" The old Epic just scowled, his hand sliding to a pistol that appeared fully-formed on his belt. "I want you to be concise and to the point," he threatened quietly. "Do you mean to tell me that you were sent here with the intent of finding blackmail material, and that you are under the employ of a dangerous High Epic who might send agents to threaten this town?" "Well, it sounds terrible when you put it that way," Backtrack protested meekly. "It is terrible, you blustering fool!" Arsenal exploded, taking a step forward. "If it wouldn't further endanger the town to have you here, I'd have the both of you locked away with Hayter!" Backtrack and MV both jumped backwards in alarm, but Arsenal froze as if in the process of calming down. Backtrack considered advising him to take deep breaths, but under the circumstances that seemed like a remarkably foolish thing to say. "If I give you the means and permission to leave this city," the Epic asked quietly, not looking directly at them. "What will you tell this Lightwords about The Dalles?" "That... the people here could totally take him in a fight?" Backtrack suggested hopefully. "You will remain silent about this city unless he specifically asks you about it," Arsenal snapped. "If he does, you will say nothing about the vanillas in charge of this town. You will tell him only that there are powerful Epics here capable of holding this territory against their adversaries. Do you understand?" "Understood," Backtrack agreed weakly, hoping he sounded sincere. "I promise. Don't we promise, MV?" She might have nodded, but he didn't pause long enough to see. "We just want to get out of this town and get out of your hair," he pleaded. "Honest." Arsenal's eyes narrowed for a long moment, but slowly, he raised one hand and clenched his fist. Behind him a pickup truck morphed into being, a dull shade of grey and devoid of a license plate. A plain key appeared in the old Epic's hand, which he firmly planted in Backtrack's palm. "Stick to your word," Arsenal warned. "Keep us out of whatever squabbles are going on in that city, or I swear, I will track you down wherever you are and burn your life down around you." His eyes made it clear that he didn't need much excuse to do so, which made Backtrack gulp involuntarily. "Of course," he assured the man, putting a hand around MV's waist and guiding her to the truck. "You'll never see either of us again!" He chuckled nervously. "Believe me, Obliteration will walk in town before anyone convinces me to come back." "See to it that's the truth," Arsenal growled. He stalked back to his ambulance, clambering into the front and revving the engine. Backtrack stood by the new truck as he watched the ambulance pull out and plow through the darkness towards the center of town. For a long moment, Backtrack stood still, silent. I finally get to leave this town. Back to Portland, where there are dinosaurs instead of pandas and zombies instead of soldiers. Where there's Nighthound and Lightwards instead of Autumn Glass and Doctor Game. ...Actually, when he thought about it in that light, he began to question his eagerness to leave The Dalles at all. And it also reminded him of something... "MV," he asked hesitantly. "Do you remember what that doctor wanted me to do? He asked me to come back and see him as soon as I could..." His voice trailed off, and he noticed that he hardly had the girl's rapt attention. In point of fact, she was already beginning to snore faintly, her head drooped and dripping a little touch of drool onto the brand new seat. Backtrack sighed, shooting a glance at the clinic. He could run in real quick and talk to the guy, he supposed... he'd be 'his personal hero,' somehow. He might finally do something pretty neat with this dumb retroclognition of his. He put a foot forward, but froze. Second thought, I'll probably be too busy with Lightwards' errands to go on any side quests. Instead he clambered into the truck, revving up the engine and pulling out of the clinic's driveway. Before long he was leaving the city behind, tires grinding against the ruined highways on the way back to Portland. Goodbye, Dalles, he thought glumly, I'm... sorry I can't stay to help. I hope the pandas aren't too much of a bother. And I hope you find that personal hero, doctor. I hope your whole city gets some heroes, for that matter. It looks like you're gonna need them. I'm just sorry I can't be one of them.

Then good night, MV. Dream sweet dreams of Senpai noticing you.

I can get Lightwards wrapped up in just one more post, I think. Though I'll need to consul with Twi a little bit on what the Unicyclist will spend the night doing--he didn't really get involved in the fight like I expected him to. By the way, two questions: Is MV tired enough to go straight to sleep if ushered into a comfy truck? If so, does she snore?

Just finished a whole rewatch of Deep Space Nine. The Dominion War is probably the greatest galactic war story arc in the history of sci-fi. Though I must admit to shedding a tear for a certain Vorta. (Spoilers.)

...The power to grant myself any superpower at will? Though if that's off-limits, I'll accept self-duplication like Mitosis has. Think of how much I'd fail to get done then! Favorite historical hero?

"I've lost one of my electrons," an atom wails, voice wracked with sorrow. "Oh no," another atom sympathizes. "Are you sure?" "Yes," the first atom sniffs, "I'm positive."

Fluttershy! What is your favorite relaxing ritual to perform after a stressful day?

Where do you see yourself in five years? I dunno... I don't have 2020 vision. I hope you enjoyed this joke, because under our current calendar this is the only year it will ever make sense.

Why I have trouble getting into non-Sanderson fantasy novels: A Sharder's first theory: Us to the Vashikaran spambots: The wife of a Sharder faces many tribulations: And finally, my response to TwiLyght's reading about Nan Balat's backstory: