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Inquisitor Santa Presents: Holiday Giveaway


Chaos
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Hohoho, Sharders. I am Inquisitor Santa, and I'm pleased to be allowed to finally write for this site. Just because I slaughtered that barge full of orphans, the administrators think that's "too violent"? Lord Ruler, what a bunch of losers.

Bah. You worldhoppers. I've heard about the legend of your "Santa Claus," and there's not one mention of his obsidian axes. Miserable cretin. I live in the north pole of Scadrial (technically), and you know what I do when I check my Naughty-and-Nice list, I don't give the naughty half-breed children a pile of coal. Though my axe is dark like coal, I suppose.

In any case, I'm here to give you people on the Nice list a few special things: spikes through the eyes. Spikes made of fancy prizes! Unless you're a skaa half-breed, in which case, register in the contest anyways so I can hunt you abominations down! Kill, kill! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE LORD RULER!

...

*pants*

Where was I? Oh, yes, prizes. We have eight spikes--I mean, prizes:

-A signed, numbered copy of The Alloy of Law. I'm being informed that this is in fact #781.

-The Mistborn Adventure Game by Crafty_Games. This tabletop RPG game is set during the Final Empire, so I immediately praise these "Crafty Games" people for their obedience to the Lord Ruler. The RPG also has a short story by Brandon Sanderson himself, as well as some annotations on the creation of it. The game comes out December 15th, and if you win this prize, you'll get a digital copy of the book that day, and a softcover copy when it gets back from the printer. I hear the game is pretty fun. Of course, if you don't go play an Inquisitor, I will go down your chimney and chop your head off.

-A paperback of The Way of Kings. Even as a paperback, it makes an excellent bludgeoning instrument. I give it four out of four bloody obsidian axes for its versatility. It's a good book too, I suppose, but if you aren't killing skaa I don't see much point.

-A Mistborn trilogy box set. Maybe you people think it's popular, but this is a package of heinous heresies against the Lord Ruler. Just know that I'm always watching you...

-A Warbreaker paperback. Too colorful, not enough ash. I like the sword, though.

-A signed copy of Elantris. It's in great condition, not even a drop of blood on any of the pages. Which is a rather bizarre cultural taste of Earth's...

-A full set of the cosmere: Elantris, the Mistborn Trilogy, Warbreaker, and the Way of Kings. I decided not to include Alloy of Law because it is full of even more traitorous lies!

-A set of the four Alcatraz books--Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia, and Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens. These are more "funny" books, I suppose. Judging from the titles, it looks like Alcatraz fights a lot of people. It's probably not arena-style deathmatch, though... Wait, Alcatraz is on this world? Excellent. I know exactly how to cheer myself up now.

An hour later...

Alcatraz Smedry! Feel the wrath of the Lord Ruler! Wait what are you--

OW LORD RULER HE BROKE MY EYE-SPIKE! WHO EVEN DOES THAT THAT ISN'T EVEN RIGHT!

*pant pant* That's fine, I'll just send him an axe he can't refuse...

What? I'm being informed I can't send a bloody axe through the postal system. Your governments are an abomination to the Lord Ruler. I'm going back to Scadrial to kill some half-breeds now. Bye.

17th Shard's notes:

*Void where prohibited, which is pretty much everywhere except Final Empire, since, uh, it's illegal to stab people's skulls with huge metal spikes. Or anywhere else on the body, for that matter.

**You aren't going to be stabbed. Really.

***We're kidding about the void thing. We'll send the prizes everywhere, even internationally!

To enter, just comment below, and you'll get a chance to win any one of these great prizes. Double entries are not permitted. The contest will end Tuesday, December 6th at noon MST. We hope to get prizes out as soon as possible, before Christmas (Amazon Prime should help with that!) but we should warn you that, if you are international, they may not come in time. We will see when we get there.

Happy holidays, and remember to not kiss under the giant steel spike over your head. That'd just be irresponsible.

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Just what I needed! Another copy of the Way of Kings for "bludgeoning" skaa. My last copy fell apart after a good thousand or so beatings. Not to bad, a page per beating is good value!

Hehe

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ROFL! I could get used to having traditions based around this guy. Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to start posting.

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Bloody spikes, bloody spikes,

Spikes stuck in your face.

Oh what fun it is to kill

and spike those of mixed race. HEY!

Bloody spikes, boody spikes,

Spikes stuck in your face.

Oh what fun it is to kill

and spike those of mixed race.

Jumping through the ash,

On a merry chase.

I'll chop you with my axe,

Or crush you with my mace. HA HA HA!

My spikes are throbbing and in pain,

Making spirits bright,

What fun it is to kill and maim,

Some half-breed skaa tonight.

OOOOOOOOH!

Bloody spikes, bloody spikes,

Spikes stuck in your face.

Oh what fun it is to kill

and spike those of mixed race. HEY!

Bloody spikes, boody spikes,

Spikes stuck in your face.

Oh what fun it is to kill

and spike those of mixed race.

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Just wondering, how did they get the colored clothing in Mistborn. Don't dyes come from flowers and other plants that didn't exist in that world?

Love that series so much!

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These prizes all sound super awesome!

I want Alloy of Law so bad. Haven't got my hands on it yet, but maybe soon! winning it would be awesome. So would anything else. Though my copy of Mistborn that I have is always going to be my favorite, cause I got my brother to get Brandon Sanderson to sign it saying he liked the mistcloak I made for my brother for ComicCon ;)

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Oooooh presents! These would be perfect gifts to get my friends into BS.

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Ooooooo! Yes please to the awesome prizes thing! I'd be down for some cool brandony stuff.

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Prizes entered for masses begging for mercy: no, says Inquisitor; the Inquisitor says no mercy for begging masses for entered prizes.

I commented with a ketek! Yay!

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Well, I know that I've been...nice this year. Or at least nice enough to avoid Inquisitor Santa's axe. I hope.

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I hope I win! Any one of these prizes would be great to add to my collection, or to make a great holiday gift for an uninitiated friend!

Also, this announcement post is made of win.

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lol, I love the writing from the perspective of the inquisitor. Now if only there was a bead of Lerasium as a prize. That would be the ULTIMATE christmas gift :P

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