Paul SB - BackboneofNight sub03, 3662 words

[Paul SB]

Hello again,

 

In our next exciting episode, our heroes arrive in the territory of their friendly aliens, who immediately take the cataleptic communication nexus under observation. At the same time, A & R ask about the new colony and get disappointing news. It's my hope that the current situation, much of which is hindered by cross-species communication failures, feels both believable and sufficiently alien to make sense. They have a very frustrating conversation with the command nexus in charge who threatens to shut the colony down if there isn't sufficient progress, so the stakes are high both for them and the future for a splinter of humanity.

 

I hope you all enjoy the show.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi Paul,

Just checked my email and saw I didn't get this one, though I did get submission 4 just fine. I alerted Silk that we've been having issues getting submissions and she said she's not sure what she can do in the short term but that she'll look into it. 

[Paul SB]

Okay, I'll send this one to you directly.

You seem to have evaporated there for a while.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I'm happy to say that I think the core dynamic here of the protags having to cross cultural barriers and work with the colonists to make sure they go through adaptation is a good one! Both the T and human colonists' actions make sense, and the protags are the only ones who can bridge that gap which gives a sense of stakes. That being said, my engagement really only picked up on page 11 when I got an idea of the dynamics that the protags will be navigating--that the T don't understand human desperation and that their reactions are making the humans even more desperate. I don't think these chapters need to be paced faster necessarily, but I do think we need those emotional dynamics to be a bit clearer early on and maybe have the protags overcome some small challenges to get this info so it doesn't feel like everything's being told to them.  

As I go:

Pg 2. It's cool to run into these aliens, but I think we need something to challenge the protagonists (could be making contact, could be something else)

Pg 3. It feels like the story is trying to make things dire for the protagonists with Too's condition which is good, but it still doesn't feel like a challenge because I'm not sure what they'll do about it besides hope for the best

Pg 4. This is a more interesting hook to me because it's something only the protagonists can handle. I'm hoping to see problem solving where they overcome specific challenges posed by this situation soon.

Pg 6-7. Feels like we're losing the plot a bit here

Pg 11. The T not feeling desperation is a fun note, and I think it could be a larger focus for how the protags navigate this situation. 

-for the adaptation, are the humans unwilling to try or did it just not work?

 

[Paul SB]

Seems like you have been pretty busy lately. That's okay, since it's not like we're getting paid for this. I trimmed a bit of the first entry to get to the more interesting bits a little quicker, and dropped some hints about why the T couldn't understand the way humans reacted to them.

It's been a while since the first book was posted. By the end all six of the crew had their brains modified, but they were too busy to really explore their new clusters. Over this and the next couple books they are going to find out that they can do a lot more than just talk without moving their mouths. No one in the Underground knows any of this, though, so they really had no idea what to tell the refugees.