Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Silva]

That was great @hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

[Ashspren]

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine... that was amazing! Bonus points for the sign.  

@Firerust, seeing as you are back on the Shard, would you like to participate in this tournament? You were a semi-finalist, so the spot’s yours if you want it.

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

Wait wait, for what? I just got back, and I'll be gone again soon (till Tuesday). What's happening? Where are we at?

I need to catch up on the wonderful raps.

[Ashspren]

4 hours ago, Firerust said:

Wait wait, for what? I just got back, and I'll be gone again soon (till Tuesday). What's happening? Where are we at?

I need to catch up on the wonderful raps.

This should get you caught up.  

 

[+Sorana she/her]

All hold your breath for:

(credits for the image to @Silva)

At first we would like to thank you @Ashspren for organizing this and for making this even more interesting by adding twists.
Especially I am still grateful, that you invited me to participate this round, despite not having won a single round (yet).

As we are a team, we decided to post our raps together, you will find both behind the spoiler tag. Silva's is coloured blue, mine is green, so that you can keep them apart.

Spoiler

Entry Silva & Sorana

 

A plump Thaylen woman walks up the steps to the stage. She doesn't seem to mind and absent-mindedly embroiders a sheath of fabric as she speaks. Behind her a girls skips up the step and then looks around curiously, a red scarf trailing her slim figure. The woman waits until the girl hops aside and then addresses those gathered.

 

Thanks ladies and gents,

Good to see you all out of your military tents,

And with us here and right,

Rather than in the middle of a fight.

For some of you quite a hard task.

And I must ask,

Do you ever appreciate the clothes on your back

While you’re charging forward with a sword to attack?

 

Anyways, I’d like to dedicate some thanks to folks,

Even if they’re bad eggs with rotting yolks.

 

Taravangian, lord and fellow competitor,

I heard a rumor that you were starting to feel sore.

Your age making you weak,

Hope of living becoming bleak.

Is what we heard really true?

Or is there someone you need to sue?

The Girl Who Looked up figured things out on her own,

While you just look at your sacred diagram and bemoan.

It’s really just a scribble of lines and a mess,

Yet you still stare at it and obsess.

Your twenty hours of lucid sanity

Are nothing but the result of some vanity.

 

Nightwatcher granted you compassion and brains,

Though unfortunately you lack much style in addition to not being quite sane.

Take some inspiration from your granddaughter’s savior’s brother.

Adolin knows how to get dressed in clothes that don’t resemble those of his mother.

And on your compassion,

Maybe you should make it a mission,

To cease needless killing for fun,

After all what have they ever done?*

 

Anyways, without all you overly  rich and spoiled nobility,

Wearing my red silk coats cut short to indicate hostility,

There’s no was I’d be standing here tonight,

Looking at you all not in pure distress and fright

At the state of your wardrobes.

Like showing a spider to an arachnophobe

Or those dark spren. In the palace.*

Eyes filled with malice.

 

Oh, I guess I’m jumping about, but I forgot!* Almost.

Another one here needs a roast.

To Sja-anat, the infamous spren,

You also aren’t really Barbie’s perfect Ken.

There’s a metaphor about having a touch that corrupts,

In your case, from your touch evil literally erupts.

It’s impressive in a sad way.

When will Odium ever listen to your say?

Those Ghostbloods want to get their hands on you,

Soon they might imitate Kholin’s “monogrammed buttons” too.

Designed by me,

Obviously.

They do stick their logo everywhere,

Nothing like buttons also to make you despair.

You’re a liar, Sja.

Don’t say “ha.”

You betrayed Odium by misleading him.

It’s rude to change your mind and go out on a limb.

Traitors shouldn’t be looked up at.

Being self-aware, you should want to stuff yourself in a hat.

How much evil is eating you up?

Do you see a half full or empty cup?

Have you realized what you’ve done to those spren?

You corrupted them, yet you act a mother hen.

They even sometimes kill the one trying to use,*

Powered things as practical as walking shoes.

The people who feared you most,

Are now who you want to save from becoming toast.

Enemies of enemies sometimes end up friends,

But Shallan may not want you on her end.

I’m sorry for the state of life,

Never to be a wife,

Too hated to feel love,

A crow rather than a dove.

Never to have a place,

Always feeling amidst a race.

No peace for you,

I almost feel sorry too.

 

It’s an honor to have been here,

Almost worth shedding a tear,

Except while you all can drop everything to fight,

Some of us have a deadline of first light.

I’ve got work to do,

Projects to start anew,

Dresses to finish,

The allure will never diminish.

Just next time you stop by,

Don’t forget to say hi.

I know you were probably expecting roasts heavy with spice,

But unfortunately, all I know how to do is (mostly) nice.

 

She hops down, taking the hand of a Thaylen man, her husband, who hugs her. Yokska complains to him about all the half-finished coats she's got to complete that night while they watch the girl walk to the center of the stage. The girl waits for a moment grins at the crowd and then she starts.

 

This is a thank you
to those that I questioned
Why is there a wall?*
a wall nobody mentioned

I climbed up the wall
through day and night
Was she stupid or bold?*

they ask - while I brought home light

I will always remember
when I first crossed that line
I saw the world in it’s colours
for the first time.*

When triumphantly I stood
on the wall’s top
my heart filled with joy
I almost sobbed.
 

I don’t need a diagram
to decide on my actions
no cryptic scribble
I don’t grasp a fraction

My senses are mine
day in and day out
no test in the morning
no mad crying loud
I have wisdom and compassion
both at the same time
contrasting you
Taravangian
Why don’t you go over
to your friend by the mirror
Oh I forgot - an old man as you
should probably fear her
 

I have to admit
she gives me the creeps
because next to her
I feel like a sheep
Yes, I mean you
the Taker of Secrets
you’re a lot more scary
than our old genius
You are like a nightmare
with a touch to corrupt
but lucky me girl
my light you did not.
While you hide in the shadows
I dance in their gloom
while you try to break free
I see the horizon
Thinking about it
you are like a story
scary at first
but there’s no need to worry
 

I am part of a myth
told by the fire
I belong to a tale
about desire
As you two will vanish
in the surges of time
I will be talked of
the future is mine.
 

A final last thank you
to the one in the back
who makes up the rules
and keeps us on track
without that person
there would be no stage
no brave competition
no rhyming till late
So this last thank you
is for you bright soul,

for your work and your passion
the tournament as a whole.

 

The girls bows deeply to the crowd and then hops of the stage, joins Yokska and her husband. Yokska wants to leave, but the girls convinces her to stay, and listen to the last entry. Muttering something about deadlines Yokska finally gives in.

 

*quotes are all Oathbringer Silva: chapter 62, Sorana chapters 25 & 81

 

 

 

Edited January 4, 2019 by Sorana
repaired the formatting

[Rhapsody she/her]

That was also awesome! @Sorana that was your best roast so far! I really loved it!

[Silva]

@Sorana yours turned out great! 

[+Sorana she/her]

29 minutes ago, Silva said:

@Sorana yours turned out great! 

Thank you! I still prefer yours though

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Great roasts Silva and Sorana!

Your themed attacks on T and Sja-Anat were great.

4 hours ago, Sorana said:

Take some inspiration from your granddaughter’s savior’s brother.

Adolin knows how to get dressed in clothes that don’t resemble those of his mother.

Youch!

4 hours ago, Sorana said:

I am part of a myth
told by the fire
I belong to a tale
about desire
As you two will vanish
in the surges of time
I will be talked of
the future is mine.

I loved this part!

Great work, this is a fun round.

[Zath he/him]

Fantastic raps so far, well done!  This tournament is a blast. (Thanks, Ashspren!)  Anyways, here I go:

(This roast is a direct sequel to Taravangian's roast.  Also, credit for the header and the other image goes to @hoiditthroughthegrapevine.  Storms, it's great to have a graphics wiz as a teammate. )

Spoiler

In the Urithiru theater, applause fills the room and a flock of corrupted, cube-shaped gloryspren spring into existence around King Taravangian, who has just finished his speech.  The aging monarch steps slowly backward while the spotrials dim, the wrong-facing shadow trailing him seeming to spread.  Soon, the stage is lit only by the scant scarlet light of the scattered garnet spheres, and Taravangian cannot be seen.  The applause trickles to a stop as shadows fill the theater.  What is happening?

When the lights come back on, there are two Taravangians!  Shocked whispers are heard as confused audience members confer with their neighbors.  But one of the Taravangians gradually fades from view, replaced by a dark silhouette with glowing white eyes.  

The spotrials shift and only now is it clear: the second Taravangian was a reflection in an edge-less mirror now standing on the stage, and beyond the plane of its reflection: Sja-anat. The Taker of Secrets is here.  

Awed, the audience again applauds. As they finish, Sja-anat begins.

You like me, you really like me!  I'm honored, truly I am! 
It strikes me that I haven't felt this good since Aharietiam! 

I'd like to thank the Academy Ardentia,
(I bet you didn't think I would mention ya)
Granted, I never had a formal induction,
But, you had secrets, so I still took instruction
From the greatest minds the Ardentia had to offer.
  (Though if you'd known
  An Unmade was in your home,
No doubt you'd have tried to off her.)

Sja-anat pauses, and the spotrials swivel to shine once again upon the Thaylen woman Yokska and the chair occupied only by a white wig.  The shadows cast by the spotrials stretch incongruously towards the light.

There are a couple people here, potential nominees,
Who didn't make the cut, despite their begs and pleas.
Yokska, only good for patching holes in trousers' knees,
And The Girl Who Looked Up-- you can now look up to me.

Yokska, a failure tailor, you tried so hard to set the trend
Of Kholinar's fashion scene, but can you comprehend
That I, without even trying, inspired the Cult of Moments
To base their wardrobe on spren Enlightened by my bestowments?

You're so overawed by lighteyes highbrows
  That it's surprising to know
That you don't accidentally stitch your eyebrows
  Into everything that you sew.

The Girl Who Looked Up now looks down in shame,
Knowing that she can't compete in this game.
So unimpressive that she has no name.
You're only remembered as someone to blame
for whatever a highstorm destroyed as it came.
The myths about me, well, I must proclaim,
There's lore galore confirming my fame.
Your place in mythology's pathetically tame,
Compared to the fearsome legend I became.
You're a shadow of memory to my great acclaim,
a flickering candle to my bonfire's flame.

You took your twin-tailed scarf, little girl,
  And insisted on climbing forbidden walls.
If all humans act like such foolish churls,
  It's no wonder you lost the Tranquiline Halls.

The spotrials return to Sja-anat's mirror, and as the Taker of Secrets continues, the beams of light slowly shift and reflect off of the mirror, creating a dazzling, entrancing light show that ebbs and flows with the rhythm of Sja-anat's words.

Thank you once more for this honored award,
It's a prize I have scarce dared to reach toward.
It's been a long road, full of hardship and pain.
But now me and my children can feel hope again!

Many times in my life I've felt so estranged. 
People have oft called my children deranged: 
"Once Sja-anat touches a spren, it acts strange." *
They don't see that spren are improved by the change!

There's no point in me concealing
the fact that, when you're dealing
with my spren, there is no ceiling
To their merits (now you're reeling)!
They're stronger, have more feeling,
They're more viscerally appealing.
It's true potential I'm revealing
In these spren, that I'm unsealing.

Yet people still fear me, I'm misunderstood.
Well, true, my track record isn't that good:
Fought under Odium, followed his orders,
Took secrets for centuries, heedless of borders.

Thus, I'd like to take this opportunity
To state my intent to join a new community:
(Needless to say, please keep this info confidential.
Maybe ironic, coming from me, but secrecy's essential.)

Odium's servant? Nope, I'm ditchin'.
This Unmade's breaking tradition, 
Switchin' sides of my own volition,
Fed up with the repetition
Of Rayse's war of attrition.
Hear my petition: my new mission
Is to aid Dalinar's coalition.
Sedition? Perhaps-- I'm no politician.
In any case, I'd be a great addition!
With secrets as my ammunition,
I'll stop Odium's ambition
From coming to full fruition.
(If I could, I'd save the Heralds from perdition!)
You may harbor some suspicion,
hesitance, or inhibition.
It may go against your intuition,
But cast aside your superstition!
I'll vow to you under an inquisition
That helping humanity is my disposition!

I can see by your faces that trust is not mine.
  You will not give my children a home. Not yet. **
Not for Sja-anat, most feared of the Nine,
  But I'll soon change your minds, I bet.

I'll prove I'm not your enemy ***
  As many times as it takes.
I'll rid you of your enmity
  towards me and my past mistakes.

"Now hold on a sec, something doesn't make sense,
  Taravangian said you were friends!" you may shout.
"But T. now serves Odium, and your self-defense
  is that you do NOT, so what's that all about?"
Calm down, I assure you, this is no pretense.
  We share the same goal, have no doubt.
I cannot speak more at this time of our plans, hence
  All I will say is, "Read and find out."                                                       

With these words, the shadowy form of Sja-anat fades from the mirror, replaced by a dapper figure with words displayed above and below...

* Words of Radiance Chapter 4 "Taker of Secrets" pg 74
** Oathbringer Chapter 85 "Grieve Later" pg 822
*** Oathbringer Chapter 74 "Swiftspren" pg 732, and/or Chapter 78 "The Revel" pg 772, and/or Chapter 84 "The One You Can Save" pg 816

 

 

Edited January 6, 2019 by Zath
Corrected rough-draft-remnants: changed "society's highbrows" to "lighteyes highbrows", and changed "hold on a moment" to "hold on a sec"

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Honored that mine was the first upvote you took, you sly Unmade you.

Storms it great to have a lyrical genius as a teammate, brillaint roast @Zath!

[Ashspren]

@Sorana, @Silva, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, @Zath, that was amazing! This is going to be a tough round for everyone to decide... 

https://goo.gl/forms/BgHizDzvfgsaWs7H3 

VOTE VOTE VOTE! 

[Herowannabe he/him]

6 hours ago, Zath said:

You're so overawed by society's highbrows
  That it's surprising to know
That you don't accidentally stitch your eyebrows
  Into everything that you sew.

This is gold right here.

[Herowannabe he/him]

1 hour ago, Ashspren said:

This is going to be a tough round for everyone to decide... 

No kidding! All the raps were phenomenal! The quotes and “thank you” speeches were well done by all, and really added a lot I thought. We should do themes and twists every time.  

[Rhapsody she/her]

12 hours ago, Zath said:

I cannot speak more at this time of our plans, hence
  All I will say is, "Read and find out." 

That is gold!

5 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

The quotes and “thank you” speeches were well done by all, and really added a lot I thought. We should do themes and twists every time.

I agree all raps where great with the twists so far.

It's really tough to decide which was better. I want to give all of them my vote

[+Sorana she/her]

57 minutes ago, Rhapsody said:

It's really tough to decide which was better. I want to give all of them my vote

Can I bribe you to vote for us?

[Ashspren]

2 hours ago, Sorana said:

Can I bribe you to vote for us?

Bribery is not condoned by Ashspren Incorporated.  

[Herowannabe he/him]

4 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Bribery is not condoned by Ashspren Incorporated.  

How much would it cost to get Ashspren Inc to change their policy on bribery?

[Silva]

21 hours ago, Ashspren said:

@Sorana, @Silva, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, @Zath, that was amazing! This is going to be a tough round for everyone to decide... 

https://goo.gl/forms/BgHizDzvfgsaWs7H3 

VOTE VOTE VOTE! 

Only 21 hours ago. Phew. Still can vote.

[AonEne he/him]

Wow. I'm going to lose so badly. You guys are awesome.

[Ashspren]

And the winners of this round are... @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, with Taravangian, and @Zath, with Sja-anat! 

@Sorana and @Avlis, you have 24 hours to post a Returned name for The Girl and Yokska, respectively. Whoever gets more votes for their name moves on to the next round. 

[Rhapsody she/her]

On 5.1.2019 at 1:49 PM, Sorana said:

Can I bribe you to vote for us?

You can of course. what do you offer?

[Zath he/him]

Alright!  *celebratory high-five to @hoiditthroughthegrapevine*  Way to go, partner!

That was some excellent competition, @Sorana and Silva ( @Avlis presently, I guess).  Both of your roasts were very well done!  *vigorous handshake for each*  Can't wait to see the Returned names you two come up with!

On 1/4/2019 at 4:10 PM, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Honored that mine was the first upvote you took, you sly Unmade you.

Storms it great to have a lyrical genius as a teammate, brillaint roast @Zath!

Well, I got a lyrical genius and a graphics wiz rolled into one teammate, so I think I got the better end of that bargain.  

On 1/4/2019 at 11:05 PM, Herowannabe said:

This is gold right here.

Thanks!  I'm happy with how that one worked out. 
...Though actually it should be "lighteyes highbrows."  It has better rhythm that way.  The "society's highbrows" is a vestigial remnant of my rough draft that managed to evade my proofreading and sneak into the final version.  
...I'm going to edit that, for my own peace of mind. 

On 1/5/2019 at 4:51 AM, Rhapsody said:

That is gold!

Thank you!  I thought it might go over well.  

19 hours ago, EneNoa said:

Wow. I'm going to lose so badly. You guys are awesome.

Thanks, but don't sell yourself short!  Your raps from the first tournament were great, very fun to read.  You got this.  *thumbs up*

[Ashspren]

4 hours ago, Zath said:

Thanks, but don't sell yourself short!  Your raps from the first tournament were great, very fun to read.  You got this.  *thumbs up*

See, this is why I love the Shard. We can all be roasting the heck out of each other, but at the same time, give compliments like there's no tomorrow.  

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Glory spren all around for that round!

Your roasts were phenomenal Silva and Sorana! if I didn't have a dog in the race it would have been hard to vote this round.
Zath, your roast was AMAZING, I think it was the best of far and away the best of this round!

And lots of gloryspren for Ashpren too, those were awesome twists. That round was a ton of fun.

Can't wait to see what you guys come up with for your Returned Names!