Random Stuff IX: Rogue Admins

[ThirdGen]

6 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Politics:

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"Remind me again what Donald Trump's appeal is with voters?"

Maybe he appeals to the oft-neglected angry Oompa Loompa voting bloc? Otherwise, I have no clue  

 

A not insignificant part of the problem is there's the occasional thing that officialdom has lied so pervasively about that he gets to be The Truthteller about it.  Things like the official unemployment figures being inaccurate (which is true - administrations for the past 50 years have slowly altered how things like unemployment or the cost of living are measured to make the economy appear better.)  I recently ran across a Cracked article that went into some specific appeals the Trump campaign made in the early days to inner-city black and Latino voters about crime and opportunities to move to a neighborhood of your choice... When the system lies about things, even an incoherent rambling nutcase who's accidentally right on a point gets a boost.  But the solution is absolutely not a wannabe Mussolini.

[Quiver he/him]

1 hour ago, Iron Eyes said:

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Ick indeed, it is hardly a romance anyways... There is just sexual tension and then Babs talks to her sassy gay (to the point where I wondered if they had ever actually met a gay man or rather just wrapped all of the sassy gay stereotypes into one) friend about it, then they have sex. That is followed by Bruce and Barbara acting awkward around each other, and ultimately Babs talks to her friend about it again. ...With that said, still a better love story than Twilight.

I've actually seen some POSITIVE reviews, so...here's hoping it's less icky and distasteful in execution than I think. Still. I shall have thoughts, and I shall post them!

Unrelated, has anyone seen Ghostbusters?

I saw it last night, and I actually rather liked it.

It's not the greatest movie ever or anything, but it was fun, and I'd go see a sequel.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

26 minutes ago, Quiver said:

 

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Unrelated, has anyone seen Ghostbusters?

I saw it last night, and I actually rather liked it.

It's not the greatest movie ever or anything, but it was fun, and I'd go see a sequel.

I have not, but that seems to be the consensus.

I've also heard the ghosts are amazing in the third dimension!

[+Slowswift]

I need this mug like I need air.

Spoiler

 

[Oversleep]

4 hours ago, Kaymyth said:

A Babs/Bruce romance?  REALLY?  Ick.

IIRC... totally canon.

Well, I learned it from Batman Beyond when both of them are old and gray-haired, so it didn't earn any strong reaction from me.

[Kobold King he/him]

The real conversation I just had with my five year-old sister...

 

Sister: "Jared, what was Teletubbies?"

Me: "Just a show I used to watch. About four little creatures called Teletubbies."

Sister: "What was their theme song?"

Me: "Oh, it was a simple little tune but I don't remember much of-"

Sister: "Can you sing it?"

Me: "...no, I don't want to sing it."

Sister: "Sing it or your balls will be in dinner."

Me:  "...Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po!"

[Quiver he/him]

I...generally prefer to let movies stew a bit before talking about them, but...

Okay. Killing Joke.

This is a very uneven film. I feel like the film-makers had good intentions with it; the truth is, the Killing Joke can be a damnation problematic book, so adapting it requires a very careful hand. Unfortunately, just realising the problem isn't the same as fixing it, and I feel like the steps they took to address the concerns that Babs gets side-lined and fridge only serves to accentuate them.

I understand that the prologue was meant to restore Babs some agency, give her a chance to get revenge against the Joker via a proxy. And the villain of the prologue is very, very much a Joker proxy, in a way I'll go into when I do a full in-depth analysis.

Unfortunately, I feeling maybe does more harm than good. The movie starts with a voice over from Babs, warning of the "approaching storm" That's gathering. The first twenty to thirty minutes are basically a Batgirl solo film, with Bruce taking a back seat.

Unfortunately, that just makes the shift when the Killing Joke happens even more intense; Barbara vanishes from the film.  Her voice over disappears. That portion of the film hews very closely to the book...and Barbara didn't have a major role in the book. The film is, implicitly, set up as her story; hers is the first voice we hear, the first figure we see. We spend a lot of time with her...So the shift in narrative is very obvious.

There's a stinger at the end of the film which cements that. It features Barbara, in her wheelchair...and apparently well-adjusted to the fact. We see her talking over the phone about getting into wall ball, and end with Oracle "getting to work"...

But Barbara's story getting to that point? Isn't told. We don't see how she reacts to the revelation that she'll never walk again; no one even tells her that on screen. We skip over a very important part of her character arc. 

Basically, the prologue and the epilogue tells us this is a Batgirl story, while the bulk of the film says it's a Batman/Joker story. The pieces don't gel together. The prologue and the epilogue feel bolted on, and don't enhance the rest of the work.

...this, of course, is saying nothing of the content itself. As I say, that's something I'll cover when I get to the nitty gritty of analysing it. So... I hope this is okay as a sampler? 

Edited July 29, 2016 by Quiver

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

1 hour ago, Kobold King said:

The real conversation I just had with my five year-old sister...

 

Sister: "Jared, what was Teletubbies?"

Me: "Just a show I used to watch. About four little creatures called Teletubbies."

Sister: "What was their theme song?"

Me: "Oh, it was a simple little tune but I don't remember much of-"

Sister: "Can you sing it?"

Me: "...no, I don't want to sing it."

Sister: "Sing it or your balls will be in dinner."

Me:  "...Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po!"

Negotiating with a Pint-Size Mafia Enforcer: The Kobold King Story 

33 minutes ago, Quiver said:

I...generally prefer to let movies stew a bit before talking about them, but...

Okay. Killing Joke.

This is a very uneven film. I feel like the film-makers had good intentions with it; the truth is, the Killing Joke can be a damnation problematic book, so adapting it requires a very careful hand. Unfortunately, just realising the problem isn't the same as fixing it, and I feel like the steps they took to address the concerns that Babs gets side-lined and fridge only serves to accentuate them.

I understand that the prologue was meant to restore Babs some agency, give her a chance to get revenge against the Joker via a proxy. And the villain of the prologue is very, very much a Joker proxy, in a way I'll go into when I do a full in-depth analysis.

Unfortunately, I feeling maybe does more harm than good. The movie starts with a voice over from Babs, warning of the "approaching storm" That's gathering. The first twenty to thirty minutes are basically a Batgirl solo film, with Bruce taking a back seat.

Unfortunately, that just makes the shift when the Killing Joke happens even more intense; Barbara vanishes from the film.  Her voice over disappears. That portion of the film hews very closely to the book...and Barbara didn't have a major role in the book. The film is, implicitly, set up as her story; hers is the first voice we hear, the first figure we see. We spend a lot of time with her...So the shift in narrative is very obvious.

There's a stinger at the end of the film which cements that. It features Barbara, in her wheelchair...and apparently well-adjusted to the fact. We see her talking over the phone about getting into wall ball, and end with Oracle "getting to work"...

But Barbara's story getting to that point? Isn't told. We don't see how she reacts to the revelation that she'll never walk again; no one even tells her that on screen. We skip over a very important part of her character arc. 

Basically, the prologue and the epilogue tells us this is a Batgirl story, while the bulk of the film says it's a Batman/Joker story. The pieces don't gel together. The prologue and the epilogue feel bolted on, and don't enhance the rest of the work.

...this, of course, is saying nothing of the content itself. As I say, that's something I'll cover when I get to the nitty gritty of analysing it. So... I hope this is okay as a sampler? 

I would say so.  

[Quiver he/him]

2 hours ago, Oversleep said:

IIRC... totally canon.

Well, I learned it from Batman Beyond when both of them are old and gray-haired, so it didn't earn any strong reaction from me.

Eh...it is, apparently, canon to the Timmverse. Though Beyond was the first place it got mentioned. A few tie-in comics suggested how it went down though...

In comics, Barbara tends to get paired more with Nightwing...Though I've seen some fans propose her and Black Canary.

[Mistrunner]

Today I was talking to my mother about how I love being home alone, and she responded with "Yes, you love spending time with your three favorite people."

Mom.

Mom.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

27 minutes ago, Mistrunner said:

Today I was talking to my mother about how I love being home alone, and she responded with "Yes, you love spending time with your three favorite people."

Mom.

Mom.

Was she trying to make you think there are ghosts or something?  

[Sunbird she/her]

4 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Was she trying to make you think there are ghosts or something?  

I think it's more likely she just was completely not paying attention.

[Mistrunner]

3 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Was she trying to make you think there are ghosts or something?  

 

3 minutes ago, Sunbird said:

I think it's more likely she just was completely not paying attention.

She was basically saying that my favorite people are me, myself and I, mostly because I don't actually interact with people.

[+Slowswift]

2 minutes ago, Mistrunner said:

She was basically saying that my favorite people are me, myself and I, mostly because I don't actually interact with people.

That's... actually a decently clever way to put that. Mind if I steal that for future use?  

[Mistrunner]

Just now, Slowswift said:

That's... actually a decently clever way to put that. Mind if I steal that for future use?  

Not at all.

[+Slowswift]

Just now, Mistrunner said:

Not at all.

Yaythanks!  

[Sunbird she/her]

Ok just gotta share a few things that have made me happy today.

I saw a book tagline that said, "How can there be a murder when there's no body?" And I immediately thought, "Obviously you've never seen Buffy dusting vampires."

Singing along to Train's song "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" at the top of my lungs in my car today.

This video of Bill Clinton enjoying some balloons:

 

This video of Benedict Cumberbatch's 30 best impressions:

 

 

Edited July 30, 2016 by Sunbird
Stupid spoiler tags.

[Edgedancer he/him]

7 hours ago, Kobold King said:

The real conversation I just had with my five year-old sister...

 

Sister: "Jared, what was Teletubbies?"

Me: "Just a show I used to watch. About four little creatures called Teletubbies."

Sister: "What was their theme song?"

Me: "Oh, it was a simple little tune but I don't remember much of-"

Sister: "Can you sing it?"

Me: "...no, I don't want to sing it."

Sister: "Sing it or your balls will be in dinner."

Me:  "...Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po!"

Alright Kobold, that's it. We need to get you a bodyguard dinosaur.

5 hours ago, Quiver said:

Eh...it is, apparently, canon to the Timmverse. Though Beyond was the first place it got mentioned. A few tie-in comics suggested how it went down though...

In comics, Barbara tends to get paired more with Nightwing...Though I've seen some fans propose her and Black Canary.

Kind of funny seeing something like that get into the movie, seeing the Killing Joke's own rather unusual relationship with canon.

3 hours ago, Mistrunner said:

 

She was basically saying that my favorite people are me, myself and I, mostly because I don't actually interact with people.

And I here I thought that you had multiple personalities.

[Quiver he/him]

10 minutes ago, Edgedancer said:

Alright Kobold, that's it. We need to get you a bodyguard dinosaur.

Kind of funny seeing something like that get into the movie, seeing the Killing Joke's own rather unusual relationship with canon.

And I here I thought that you had multiple personalities.

Honestly, I'm sort of considering fitting this movie into the Timmverse canon. Some alterations, and it SORT OF fits in...

[Delightful]

19 hours ago, Iron Eyes said:

Classic two bad choices conundrum; Trump's faults and Hillary's tend to lie in different areas, I'd guess his biggest appeal is to people who care more about Hillary's faults. Personally, I think they are both terrible candidates but at some level I guess you could make an argument that not committing treason is a point in his favor.

I saw it on Monday. A rant may well be warranted. The movie as a whole would have been better if they just let it be 50-60 minutes and didn't add in the pointless to the point of being borderline subtracting Barbara-Bruce "Romance".

On a positive note, Mark Hamill is wonderful as the Joker as per usual.

Didn't Trump just ask a foreign government to hack into US gov files? I'm pretty sure that also qualifies as treason.

and re truth telling, aren't more than half his statements lies? I forgot the source for that though.

and an argument I saw that makes sense to me: Hillary may be a traitor, liar, awful person whatever, but at least she's sane. Trump isn't exactly sound of mind or fit to rule.

13 hours ago, Quiver said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I've actually seen some POSITIVE reviews, so...here's hoping it's less icky and distasteful in execution than I think. Still. I shall have thoughts, and I shall post them!

 

Unrelated, has anyone seen Ghostbusters?

I saw it last night, and I actually rather liked it.

It's not the greatest movie ever or anything, but it was fun, and I'd go see a sequel.

Yes! I loved it! Out of cultural context it's a pretty fun, funny movie. In context,

four women protagonists who do not look like classic Hollywood supermodels

no romances 

no dumbing down anything

no sexualising anything

just smart, diverse,  badass women kicking ghost butt for two hours.

plus the dumb blonde secretary trope played by Chris Hemsworth.

it was epic and fulfilling like no other movie I can remember seeing. 

10 hours ago, Kobold King said:

The real conversation I just had with my five year-old sister...

 

Sister: "Jared, what was Teletubbies?"

Me: "Just a show I used to watch. About four little creatures called Teletubbies."

Sister: "What was their theme song?"

Me: "Oh, it was a simple little tune but I don't remember much of-"

Sister: "Can you sing it?"

Me: "...no, I don't want to sing it."

Sister: "Sing it or your balls will be in dinner."

Me:  "...Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po!"

Your sister is terrifying. O_o  

6 hours ago, Mistrunner said:

 

She was basically saying that my favorite people are me, myself and I, mostly because I don't actually interact with people.

I thought she was talking about imaginary friends. But hey, we're people! This is legit(ish) social interaction! 

[Quiver he/him]

1 hour ago, Delightful said:

 

Yes! I loved it! Out of cultural context it's a pretty fun, funny movie. In context,

four women protagonists who do not look like classic Hollywood supermodels

no romances 

no dumbing down anything

no sexualising anything

just smart, diverse,  badass women kicking ghost butt for two hours.

plus the dumb blonde secretary trope played by Chris Hemsworth.

it was epic and fulfilling like no other movie I can remember seeing. 

Kevin was amazing, but yeah; the ghostbusters themselves were pretty awesome.

Holtzman is Best Ghostbuster. 

[Delightful]

2 hours ago, Quiver said:

Kevin was amazing, but yeah; the ghostbusters themselves were pretty awesome.

Holtzman is Best Ghostbuster. 

I went in with "eh if it sucks at least Kevin will be hilarious". 

And Kevin was overshadowed. (By all of them)

Holtzmann is distilled awesome in human form. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Cursed Child spoilers. 

Spoiler

There be spoilers past this point. 

Spoiler

On the one hand, I hope The Daily Beast is just pulling our collective leg, because this plot summary is so ridiculous I don't want to believe one of my favorite authors could come up with it. 

On the other hand, I hope this plot summary is true, because it's so ridiculous I can't help but giggle. 

Here it is. Analysis Many, many Flat "Whats" below the next spoiler. 

Spoiler

Quote

As the train pulls out, Rose reminds Albus that their parents met on the Hogwarts Express so they’d better make a careful choice about where to sit. Much to Rose’s irritation, Albus elects to sit in a carriage with another introspective first-year student. This blond boy introduces himself as Scorpius Malfoy, son of Draco. Despite the kids’ open discussion that his real father could be Voldemort, Albus decides to stay.

What. Just…what. I always thought Voldemort was too busy being magical Hitler to "do the do." And didn't Draco marry Astoria years after Voldemort was dead? Scorpius is too young….

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Draco asks Harry to use his position as Head of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic to shut down gossip that a Time-Turner was used to allow Voldemort to impregnate Astoria, Draco’s wife, who gave birth to Scorpius.

….unless of course you add time travel into the mix. Also, WHAT. Even for the wizarding world, that's the sort of rumor you shouldn't see outside of the National Enquirer. Having that rumor spread is like having people take the "Satan Escapes from Hell" headline seriously. (In fairness, I did when I saw it, but I was also in first grade, and my mom set that rumor straight pretty quickly.) 

Quote

A year later, Theodore Nott, one of Draco’s old Slytherin colleagues, is arrested and discovered to have in his possession an illegal Time-Turner—they do still exist.

*facepalm* Of course they do. And of course it was a Slytherin who got caught with it, because of course. 

Quote

Hermione, the Minister of Magic, tells Harry he needs to get on top of his paperwork as he hasn’t been tracking giants, werewolves, and trolls, who all seem to be on the move. Harry is still a great wizard but he just can’t bring himself to study the files.

WHAT. Harry is head of Magical Law Enforcement and he doesn't do his own paperwork? He SUCKS at his job. Seriously, ask any cop you like—they'll say their job is about 25 percent action, 75 percent paperwork. If Harry isn't doing his own paperwork, he should have been fired years ago, because he's not doing his job.

"Great wizard," my chull. 

Quote

Albus and his father are enduring a difficult relationship. The boy listens in as Amos Diggory demands Harry uses the seized Time-Turner to go back in time to the Triwizard tournament and save his boy, Cedric, who was killed on the orders of Voldemort after winning the event.

Thanks to Tumblr, I know how this turns out, so I'm giving that a pre-emptive WHAT. 

Oh, and the formatting got messed up on the following quote, but I'm going to bet she's evil. 

Quote

Harry denies that he has a Time-Turner. Amos’s niece Delphie gets talking to Albus, as they both listen in from the stairs. Albus is intrigued by this older girl with silver and blue hair and she suggests he visits them at the nursing home where she cares for her uncle.

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Back on the train to Hogwarts, Albus hugs Scorpius and tells him they need to go back in time and save Cedric. They jump from the moving train.

Oh, yay, they're both Dauntless.  

Quote

Hermione calls a general meeting because Harry’s scar is hurting for the first time in nearly a quarter century and Voldemort’s allies are on the move. Draco claims Harry Potter just wants his face in the paper again.

Wh—what? Wasn't his scar a Horcrux? And didn't the Horcrux go away when he died? Wasn't that the plot of the entire seventh book? 

Quote

Albus turns up at the nursing home with Scorpius and offers to help the Diggorys because there’s so much blood on his father’s hands. If Cedric hadn’t won the Triwizard tournament 26 years earlier, he wouldn’t have been killed. So they decide they need to stop him winning. Their first task is to prevent him getting the golden egg from the dragons.

Or! You could go back in time, say "Hey, Cedric, we're from the future. You're going to die at the end of this tourney because you accidentally crash Voldemort's rebirthing party. Oh, and we know how Voldemort was defeated, so why don't you just help us beat him now? Tell the entire school that he has Horcruxes. Here's a list. By the way, the winning lottery numbers are…." 

WHAT for that plan being entirely pointless. 

Quote

Meanwhile, their parents are terrified and searching for the missing boys. Bane, the centaur, tells Harry that he has seen Albus in the movement of the stars. He says there is a dangerous dark cloud around him.

I'm picturing that in the Dark Knight Rises Bane voice and I can't stop giggling. 

Quote

Harry and Draco finally discover the boys outside Hogwarts when they are suddenly transported back to the present without warning. It seems the Time-Turner has a five-minute limit and Albus has suffered a nasty arm break while being snapped back through time.

What—no. That directly contradicts the canon established in Prisoner of Azkaban, where Harry and Hermione had hours to accomplish their goals. I mean, sure, there could be different limits on different Time-Turners, but that's pretty storming convenient. 

Quote

Harry is sitting at his son’s bedside, and Dumbledore appears in the picture frame above his bed. He tells Harry he must see Albus for what he is—he’s become blinded by his love—and doesn’t see what is wounding him.

Harry concludes that it must be someone—not something—wounding his son. He asks Albus if Scorpius encouraged him to run away? Then says there’s a reason to believe black magic is in the ascendency and Albus must never speak to his best friend Scorpius again. He’ll use a Marauder’s Map to make sure Albus and Scorpius stay apart.

Wow, Dumbledore. Wow, Harry. Nice job breaking it, both of you.  

Quote

Harry realizes he was wrong to keep the kids apart and goes back to find them with Ginny and Draco.

Well, that was awfully quick. 

Quote

They arrive just after Albus and Scorpius have used Moaning Myrtle’s help and the Time-Turner to get back to the lake during the Triwizard tournament.

The boys use an engorgement spell on Cedric that makes him float out of the Black Lake, ruining his chances in the second task in the Triwizard tournament.

Am I the only one starting to feel really sorry for Cedric here? In the books, he just died, but in this play, his attempts to win keep getting sabotaged in frankly obvious ways. 

Quote

Scorpius emerges triumphant from the water back in the present day. But he looks around and there’s no sign of Albus. Professor Umbridge tells him to get out of the lake—she is now the headmistress of Hogwarts. She says he can’t get away with breaking the rules just because he’s from an important family.

Umbridge tells Scorpius there is no such student as Albus Potter, there hasn’t been a Potter at Hogwarts since Harry Potter was killed during a failed coup on the school at the Battle of Hogwarts. She tells him to get back to school or he’s going to ruin Voldemort Day.

WHAT. "Voldemort Day?" WHAT WHAT WHAT. 

What happened to "He Who Must Not Be Named"? When did that piece of canon become inconvenient? What's wrong with "Dark Lord Day," or, if you want something less stupid-sounding, "Victory Day?" 

Quote

The headmistress calls in Scorpius to say that he seems to be behaving differently. He had been an athletic Quidditch star who caught all the snake charms, and helped make the school a safer and purer place by rooting out the dilettante students.

Every conversation in this alternate reality ends by people crossing their wrists and saying: For Voldemort and valor.

 

Okay, this has to be a prank. This has to be a fake plot summary released by Rowling to keep spoilers from leaking. It has to be. 

Quote

Every girl at Hogwarts is hoping Scorpius—known as the Scorpion King—will ask them to the Blood Ball. The other kids do his homework.

We hear Mudbloods screaming in the dungeons—which was apparently Scorpius’s idea.

Yes, because any child of Draco Malfoy is destined to be evil one reality over.  

Quote

Draco is the head of Magical Law Enforcement. Scorpius says he’s appalled by what’s happening: Three wizards were caught blowing up bridges to see how many Muggles they could kill with one blast, there are Mudblood death camps, there’s torture and the burning alive of people that oppose the wizards.

*headdesk* 

*headdesk* 

*headdesk* 

Quote

Scorpius tells Draco that his mother had always said Drace was a better man than he seemed. Draco said there is more of his mother in Scorpius—she always emphasized the light side. He seems to respect this in his son.

Yes, because the only way Draco could be reformed was by marrying a woman who was a much better partner than he deserved. It's not like he could choose to be decent of his own volition or anything.  

Quote

Scorpius goes to Severus Snape—who is still alive in this reality—and asks for help. At first Snape denies that he was once an undercover agent working for Dumbledore, until Scorpius shares so many details that could have been known by no one in this reality. He tells him that Harry named his son Albus Severus Potter.

Scorpius explains there was another world where Harry Potter was alive and Voldemort was dead.

Snape lets him into a secret room where Hermione and Ron are in hiding. Hermione is the most wanted wizard in the world. They are stunned to hear that in the alternate reality they are happily married, and Hermione is Minister for Magic. Snape realizes that he must be dead in the other world.

I hope this is happening in another location, because if Hogwarts is as much a cesspit as they're making it out to be, hiding the most wanted witch in the world there is going to be pretty storming difficult. 

Quote

They use the Time-Turner to go back to the Triwizard tournament and Hermione prevents Albus from casting his first spell on Cedric Diggory.

Just as Albus was injured by his first use of the Time-Turner, Ron suffers a leg injury. As soon as they return to the present, Dementors descend on them. Hermione says she will stay and face them while the others run. Ron refuses to go and the two of them are enveloped by the Dementors, who suck out their souls and carry their bodies away.

Snape and Scorpius escape but are soon confronted by Professor Umbridge. She says they were seen with Hermione. They are cornered—so Snape kills her.

FINALLY SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING PRAGMATIC. Snape, you get a cookie. 

Quote

The Dementors descend again. This time Snape allows himself to be destroyed so that Scorpius can escape. He goes back to fix the other spell.

Cut back to the present and Scorpius emerges from the lake—followed by Albus. Scorpius is ecstatic but Albus has no idea what he’s talking about.

Harry, Ginny, Draco and Professor McGonagall arrive. They are both alive, but now they are in big trouble.

Alas, poor Snape, too competent to live.

Quote

Harry is furious with Albus, says he didn’t go looking for adventures—he was forced to act when he was a schoolboy. But he apologizes for thinking the worst of Scorpius.

But not Draco. Because canon always sides with Harry when he thinks the worst of Draco.  

Quote

Harry has a nightmare in which he sees Voldemort snatching Albus away. He believes his son is still in danger.

Albus and Scorpius are sitting up in their beds chatting about what a star Scorpius was in the alternate reality. It’s given him far more confidence in the current world. He even tried to hug Rose, although she kicked him in the shin. Albus says he is delighted to be friends with this version of Scorpius.

Scorpius reaches under his pillow and produces the Time-Turner. He says they can’t trust the Ministry to destroy it, they must do it themselves. So they sneak out of the dorm to go and disable the dangerous device.

Alarmed by the dream, Harry and Ginny rush to Hogwarts only to find the boys’ beds are empty.

Ugh, you mean it's not over yet? Ending fatigue, people. It's a real thing. 

Quote

While the boys debate which spell to use, Delphie arrives. Albus has sent her an owl. He wants to apologize—they will no longer be able to go back to save Cedric. They explain they had created an alternative universe in which Cedric’s Triwizard humiliation turned him into an angry young man, who became a Death Eater and eventually killed Neville Longbottom, helping to usher in an era of the Dark Lord.

 

O….kay, remember when the arm-crossing thing made me say this had to be a prank? Yeah, I'm going to say it again—this has to be a prank. It has to be. Cedric became a Death Eater because a Mysterious Force kept making him look like an idiot? Come on, Rowling. Really now. You've dragged the joke on long enough. It's not funny anymore. 

Quote

Delphie is excited by the drama and explains that Cedric would understand, she says they should destroy the Time-Turner together and explain to her uncle why Cedric would not be saved.

Albus hands her the Time-Turner.

They notice a black tattoo of a bird inked onto her back. Delphie says it’s an Augury, which reminded her of her childhood as an orphan when she was raised by the Rowle family.

Scorpius points out that the Rowles are an extreme Death Eater family. He suddenly tells Delphie to stay away—and threatens to cast a spell on her.

She pulls out a wand and binds them together, before snapping their wands.

Yep. Evil. 

Spoiler

They go to see Amos and demand to know where his niece and Albus are, and how they are plotting to save Cedric this time.

“I don’t have a niece,” says Amos.

So who is she?

Oh, great. I think I know the answer, and I like it even less than I like this plot summary.

Quote

Delphie says Voldemort will return and the Augury will sit at his side as it was prophecized.

She takes them back in time, but Albus and Scorpius refuse to co-operate. As Delphie screams and raises her wand to kill Scorpius, she is struck from behind.

It’s Cedric Diggory.

He thinks this is part of the Triwizard task. Albus tells him to free them, which he does before returning to the challenge.

Well, at least Cedric is allowed to be decent now. 

Quote

The adults race to Delphie’s room to try to discover who she is. In the room, concealed by a Parseltongue code, are more details of the prophesy—including the claim that she will bring her father back.

This can only mean one thing: Voldemort had a daughter!

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

Quote

Albus and Scorpius discover that have been transported to  October 30, 1981—the day before Harry Potter’s parents were killed by Voldemort. If Delphie stops Voldemort from accidentally putting part of their soul into Harry—with a rebounded curse—he can’t be defeated.

Wait—what? WHAT? Yes he can! He had seven other Horcruxes that could've been destroyed! If anything, erasing Harry's Horcrux from the timeline will make Voldemort easier to defeat because one less Horcrux! 

This has to be a prank. This has to be a prank. This has to be a prank.

Quote

Back in the present, Harry is weeping in his office, and Draco comes in. He reminds him that he is Head of Magical Law Enforcement in the alternative reality, and jokes that maybe he will be again soon.

He reveals that Theodore Nott’s Time-Turner was simply a prototype for one Nott was building for Draco’s father. He produces the perfected Time-Turner from his pocket—this one has a golden finish and doesn’t suffer from the five-minute limit.

But neither did the ones in canon

Rowling, did you even read your own writing

Quote

He says it’s exceptionally lonely being Draco Malfoy and says he kept the Time-Turner secret because he didn’t want to fuel the rumors that Scorpius was Voldemort’s son.

Draco is keen to use the Time-Turner to go searching for their sons but Harry says it’s futile. They have no idea where or when they are.

BUT YOU HAVE A TIME-TURNER

YOU LITERALLY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

YOU CAN SEARCH FOR THEM FROM THE DAWN OF MANKIND THROUGH THE DEATH OF THE PLANET AND YOU WILL NOT LOSE ANY TIME AT ALL

HARRY, STOP GIVING UP

NARRATIVE, STOP SIDING WITH HIM FOR GIVING UP

JDLFKHUFHDKJGHFDGUHDFJGFDHKFDHUFHFDU JUST MAKE DRACO HEAD OF MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT ALREADY

HE'S GOOD IN THIS REALITY AND HE WON'T SHIRK HIS PAPERWORK

Quote

Albus is coming to the same realization; he needs to somehow send a message about where they are to his father in the future. But how can they do it? He sees his grandmother tucking Harry in with his blanket—the same blanket that Harry would later give to Albus.

He knows his father still loves that blanket. They can’t write on it, because he will read the message too soon and ruin time again.

But Albus remembers that the love potion is spilled on the blanket just before he went back to Hogwarts—if they can find a chemical that will react with that potion, it will react and spell out a message at just the right time. His father will seek out the blanket again on All Hallows Eve and see their cry for help.

The boys break into Bathilda Bagshot’s house and steal the ingredients they need.

Sure. A historian has all the potions ingredients these boys will need for an incredibly convenient potion. Sure. Why the storms not. 

Quote

As All Hallows Eve arrives in the present, Harry and Ginny are in mournful mood. Harry says he wishes he had died. Dumbledore was right. He picks up his cherished blanket, and sees that something has appeared on it.

It’s hard to decipher but he sees the date—31/10/81. It’s a message!

Harry, Ginny, Draco, Ron, and Hermione head back to Godric’s Hollow 1981 to help the boys. Albus and Scorpius explain that Delphie is coming to kill Harry. They hide in the church where they can look out for her without being seen.

How convenient. 

Quote

Delphie finally appears and Harry, as Voldemort, pretends not to know who she is. She explains that she is the child of an affair between Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange 

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

*headdesk*

Quote

Together they are able to overpower Delphie.

Albus was the only one small enough to crawl through a grate beneath the floor.

The young wizard wants to kill her in an act of vengeance for Craig, but Harry and the others insist she must be imprisoned at Azkaban. 

I don't remember a Craig, but maybe I just skimmed it. 

And, okay, this witch is powerful enough to travel through time and clever enough to outthink the Head of Magical Law Enforcement (though, given what we've seen of Harry so far, that's not saying much). She's too dangerous to be left alive, guys. Screw the "If you kill her, you will be just like her" ideology. If you imprison her, she will escape. I call this Joker's First Law of Captured Enemies. 

Quote

The sound of snakes is heard and the real Voldemort appears. They hide as he walks toward the Potter home. Harry knows he cannot intervene to save his parents because he would meddle with time once again.

Together they all watch as Harry’s parents are murdered. Harry collapses to the floor in tears.

I admit, that is a pretty heartstrings-tugging image. 

Quote

Harry promises Albus he’ll be a better dad. He confesses that he’s not such a perfect figure. Says he’s afraid of the dark, small spaces... and pigeons.

Most of all he’s scared of being a dad. He has no role model so he says he’s doing his best.

Albus asks if he is like his dad, rather than his confident big brother, James. Harry replies that he’s more like his mother.

Harry tells his son that he shouldn’t be weighed down by his name because Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape were great men, but they were also flawed. It was those flaws that made them even greater.

But not Draco "I Suffered Under the Dark Lord, Had a Change of Heart, and Rewrote My Own Programming to Become an Upstanding Member of Society" Malfoy, because he didn't do anything to directly aid Harry while he was in school. 

Conclusion

I really hope this is a prank.

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2016 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Edgedancer he/him]

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles Concerning those Cursed Child spoilers...

Spoiler

They ought to be a prank but otherwise...

Spoiler

I started breaking into laughter around the "Cedrik became a Death Eater" bit and not in a good way. Then again from what I heard this does have a good bit of similarities with the play.

 

 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

16 minutes ago, Edgedancer said:

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles Concerning those Cursed Child spoilers...

  Reveal hidden contents

They ought to be a prank but otherwise...

  Reveal hidden contents

I started breaking into laughter around the "Cedrik became a Death Eater" bit and not in a good way. Then again from what I heard this does have a good bit of similarities with the play.

 

 

Spoiler

It's consistent with whet I saw on Tumblr, so I think the best we can hope for is that everyone who attended the play got a copy of the same ridiculous summary and agreed to post that online to keep the true plot from leaking.