20151130 - Rohyu - Lucifer chapter 1 (L,V)

[rohyu]

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

[Mandamon]

pg 4: "The shot went through Mom's neck. Her life gushed from the wound, soaking Daryl and I in blood.

The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped."

--This part does seem too unnecessary/convenient.

 

pg 4: "Bats get heavy after 157 swings."

--did he count the swings?  If so, that lends a completely new and creepy revelation to this sentence.

 

pg 4: "The law has been useless since 1866"

--why?

 

pg 7: "Killing that cremhole was exhausting."

--You still haven't said anything about why the intruder was in his house, nor why the one in the prologue was there.

 

pg 7: That dogwalker saw me like this.:

--Yes, but he only peeked out through the bottom of the window.  The person outside might have seen nothing, depending on if it was light or dark outside.

 

pg 10: This guy is full-on homicidal, talking about killing everyone he sees and how his mom would be proud.  And he wonders if he's trash for killing the intruder 20 years ago and the new one.  With as crazy as he is, I would think he would have killed again in between the two.

 

pg 12: "“We should call for a doctor or someone,” Dave said"

--These police are geniuses...

 

 

Overall, there is quite a bit of gratuitous gore.  The main character also seems completely crazy, which makes the story creepier, but also harder to sympathize with him.  We don't learn anything about the intruders aside from the MC killed both of them, so I really don't know whether they deserved it or not.  

The Lucifer aspect honestly didn't add a whole lot for me.  I've seen a lot of stories where the devil shows up to offer a deal.

I'm not sold yet, but then I'm not big on gore.  Lucifer could add something to the story, but I don't know enough yet to see where this is going.

[rohyu]

pg4: I need the mom to die, and the cop to accidently kill her. It is convenient how it happened, I agree. I'll have to try to think of something a little less convenient.

 

pg4: Yea, he did count the swings. I wanted to convey just how crazy the MC was.

 

In 1866 the laws changed so that police couldn't shoot anyone who ran from them. That is a minor point that doesn't really need to be included, so it might be best to just remove it. This may be wrong, which is another reason to just remove it.

 

pg12: I wanted Dave to look like an idiot, but the female cop to be a good example of a police officer.

 

The intruder in chapter 1 was just a thief. I'll have to make that clearer.

 

The intruder in the prologue was there for the mother, but I don't think that is clear at all. I'll have to fix that. The intruder in the prologue killed the dad, so in the MC's and Mom's mindset, he deserved to die.

 

I try to make the character more relate-able in the next chapter, though I am not sure if it will counteract just how crazy and homicidal he is.

 

I am trying to make sure the story isn't your basic devil soul-trade deal, but the direction I'm going might still be too cliche. If willing, I'd love to submit the next chapter and see whether you like the direction the story goes.

 

I am completely unsure about the level of gore I want in the story. I want people to feel uncomfortable at times, but not enough to stop reading. 

 

That was all incredibly helpful, thank you .

Edited November 30, 2015 by rohyu

[rdpulfer]

- Daryl's disabilities might need to brought up more. I get that the main character needs to protect him, and I liked that you bring up that, from the MC's perspective, he might be coddled by his mother, but I think there should be some physical description on why he can't run.

 

- It feels a little bit contrived that a falling gun is caught in such a way that it goes off and shoot his mother. 

 

- Overall, the prologue feels heavy-handed. I can see that such an event would be traumatizing to anyone, but it feels like the the act of defending his family has made this main character homicidal with the line "The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped" repeated over and over again. 

 

- I like the main character's voice in the first chapter. His actions seem realistic as a man who has just killed someone and he's trying to clean up the body.

 

- Calling the address Blackstar Lane seems a little obvious.

 

- Overall, I'm interested where this is going, especially when Lucifer turns up. I'd make sure you research psychopath, sociopath behavior and what external events can cause that behavior in people. 

 

- I don't normally read slasher fiction (with the exception of John Wayne Cleaver), but I know a lot of people who do. I like a good story though, and this seems to be a strong start.

[rohyu]

Thanks rd.

 

I'm going to have to at least re-write the whole prologue, if not get rid of it and incorporate the information throughout the story.

 

 

The next chapter goes into more detail about the MC's past and why he is so crazy, as well as more information about Daryl's disability. You are right about me needing to research sociopaths in order to make sure the MC's mental problems are realistic. I will definitely have to read all I can on the subject. 

[Robinski]

Calling the address Blackstar Lane seems a little obvious.

 

I don't get it - what is that obvious of?

[Robinski]

Detailed comments below, however in summary, I am interested by the story, if not bowled over. There are some nice snappy lines and decent reveals. I enjoyed the way that the appearance of Lucifer was handled – low key, without making a big deal about it, which I thought was good.

 

I interested to see where things go, and have another submission to read    :-)

 

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“hid in my parents’ closet” – possessive

 

“If Dad couldn't stop the intruder we were stormed” – I like the punch of the swear here. I implies quite a bit about the character. In general, I think this introduction is well done, it seems to put us in age bracket, setting, era, etc. very economically.

 

“If the intruder had broken in” – it’s in the past already.

 

I wonder how often he would have heard his dad scream. The phrasing implies he has several times, which I thought was odd. The line “I think he would have laughed about it” is neat. I’ve never read any John Cleaver stuff, but from listening to Dan talking about it on WE, this is exactly the kind of line I would expect from the character, detached an apparently uncaring.

 

“jewelry in my parents’ bedroom”

 

“telling the difference between his actual problems and Mom's coddling was impossible” – ouch, okay, another tough line, but I don’t object, the guy’s character is consistent

 

“leveled the gun at the cremhole’s face” – okay, possessives are a big issue it seems!  :-)

 

“The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped” – I found the sense of this statement awkward. My first thought was that the trigger was stiff, then I thought ‘easier than expected’, but I realised that wasn’t the sense you were going for (I think). I wonder if you would get more impact by turning the phrasing around, like ‘I had hoped it would be harder to pull the trigger.’

 

“took the pulse of the dead guy” – can he take the pulse if it’s not there?

 

“The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped.” – I like this line to close on, shocking, but inevitable from what we’ve seen. I was tender up waiting for it to happen. The thing that bothered me is the jump from him hugging his family and pulling the trigger. I would have like a short line to show him snatching up his gun before the last line.

 

“ever so eloquently from his breast  pocket” – ‘elegantly’? eloquence being to do with talking.

 

“Asking something that magically appeared” – someone?

 

“I avoided the temptation to correct her grammar” – I would beware of comments like this. The grammar we are hearing in protagonist’s head is far from flawless.

[rohyu]

Thanks Rob. You gave me a lot to think about. 

 

 

 

ouch, okay, another tough line, but I don’t object, the guy’s character is consistent

My biggest concern is that the MC is too evil/crazy. I want the reader to like him, or perhaps pity him, at least a little. I'll have to think about how crazy he should be.

I wonder if you would get more impact by turning the phrasing around, like ‘I had hoped it would be harder to pull the trigger.’ 

 

That line more clearly states what I am going for. I'm totally stealing it

 

“Asking something that magically appeared” – someone?

 

I think if someone/something just appeared in front of me, I wouldn't be positive whether it was a thing or a person. I'll have to think about this though.

 

“I avoided the temptation to correct her grammar” – I would beware of comments like this. The grammar we are hearing in protagonist’s head is far from flawless.

 

I think you are right . If my grammar was better I might be able to get away with lines like that. haha,

 

The thing that bothered me is the jump from him hugging his family and pulling the trigger. I would have like a short line to show him snatching up his gun before the last line.

 

Do you mean the MC should pick up the gun after his mom is killed? 

[Robinski]

I want the reader to like him, or perhaps pity him, at least a little.  Hmm, I'm not sure that I like him, but I can accept that he's crazy. I don't think I can excuse his actions in shooting the cop. Is a person evil (and therefore unlikable) if they think about killing people but don't do it? It's an interesting question. Then I think about Loki (MCU version). He's likable (I think) because of his humour, but clearly he's an evil b*stard. Some of your protagonist's lines / thoughts are funny which, for me, takes the edge of his dis-likability.

 

That line more clearly states what I am going for. I'm totally stealing it.  That was sort of the idea, lol! I know WE would say it's bad form to make suggestions in critiquing, but I just can't help myself. I also love jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku and anything else that I can try and 'fix'. Grammar is the same for me - sorry, but glad it helped!!

 

I think if someone/something just appeared in front of me, I wouldn't be positive whether it was a thing or a person. I'll have to think about this though.  I don't feel strongly about it, it just snagged for me, unless Lucifer looked incorporeal in some way of course, like kind of visual glitching.

 

I think you are right . If my grammar was better I might be able to get away with lines like that. haha,  Even if Protagonist thought his grammar was better, like he was putting on airs and trying to talk all intellectual, but that doesn't seem to be his style.

 

Do you mean the MC should pick up the gun after his mom is killed?  I felt that there was a gap. I'll try to illustrate below.

 

Then the younger-looking cop wiped his forehead, still holding his gun. As he lowered his arm the gun slipped through his fingers. In a panic he lunged both hands at the falling gun. He managed to catch it, trigger first. The shot went through Mom's neck. Her life gushed from the wound, soaking Daryl and I in blood.     At this point, Protagonist is sitting on the floor, hugging his mother and his sister.

 

The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped.     Instantly, he is pulling the trigger, which no physical transition. To me, it's a jolt. How does he get from sitting hugging his family to pulling a trigger? The reader was still picturing him in his sitting position (or at least I was). It wasn't that I wanted to see them pick up the gun, I think, but really just to stand up. For example:

 

I stood up slowly. The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped.

[rohyu]

Ah, ok. The repetition of the line made it unclear, but the character didn't kill the cop. The last line was in reference to the cops trigger. I'll have to clarify, or maybe remove it. Ending on the two brothers being covered in blood seems like it could be a good place to stop.

 

Thanks again

[Robinski]

Ah, ok. The repetition of the line made it unclear, but the character didn't kill the cop.

 

Ah... In that case, this negates a later comment of mine, as you will see!

[Kammererite]

Are everyone's actions believable?

If the main character is mentally unstable then i would say yes.

Do you normally like slasher fiction?

This is my first one

Odd question, but is it too unnecessarily violent/bloody

No, i do not think so. but that's a personal choice.

 

 

Overall i liked it and am going to read the next submission right away. I like the Lucifer element. I take it the main character has a history of hallucination based on how easily he except Lucifer presence.

 

Decimated: Great word, and conveys a nice specific image.  

 

Didn't he just pee before getting the ammonia?

 

Interested to see where this goes to. 

[Asmodemon]

I’ll answer your questions first.

 

Are everyone’s actions believable? The behavior of intruders I can buy. People get hurt and die in home invasions. The cop making a sloppy mistake and dropping his gun? Sloppy, but I guess that can happen. The protagonist doing what he does? Well, only if he’s a psychopath, because killing an intruder is one thing, killing a cop who killed your mom in the spur of the moment I can get. Killing a second intruder twenty years later sets a nasty trend, but to want to so callously kill a woman because she’d seen him do it really cements this guy as a psycho.

 

Do you normally read slasher fiction? No, I don’t. Occasionally I’ll read a thriller or horror novel, since I don’t want to always read books in my favourite genres, Science Fiction and Fantasy.

 

Is it unnecessarily violent or bloody? It’s a slasher story, so I’d say no.

 

The mother’s death:  The mother’s dead because she had to die for the story, but the way it happens is really unbelievable. First a cop has to let slip his drawn gun, then he has to grab it just so the trigger gets pulled, and it has to be aimed at the mother. I think the odds of something like that happening are very small, but that doesn’t mean it can’t or hasn’t happened. But because the odds are so small it really feels more like an authorial decision rather than something that came about naturally.

 

Cop killer or just psycho: Either the protagonist aimed and fired his own gun at the police (which was on the ground a moment ago), or he hoped his mother got shot? At this point either is an option. And neither really speaks well for the protagonist.

 

Liquefying a body: Liquefying a body by bludgeoning it with a bat? I can see the remains described as a bloody pulp, but I’ve never seen it described as liquefied. It’s really hard to liquefy bones for instance.

 

1866: What’s so special about that date? Why did the law stop being useful there? The only thing I can think of is that ‘That night’ from the prologue happened in 1866. So if it’s twenty years later now, that makes the year 1886? Am I reading that right? Given that there are washing machines it’s probably not 1886.

Cops: They came by rather quick. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes since the woman saw him through the window. Were they already in the area?

 

Also, they have no warrant, nothing except one eye-witness report of a man with blood on him in the days before Halloween…would they really try to knock down the door?

 

Lucifer: Felt a bit convenient, but then again, if you want to make deals with people as the devil you’d have to provide convenient solutions.

 

Conclusion: Interested to see where it goes. The presence of Lucifer probably makes this a supernatural horror? That could be fun. Not sure about a psycho protagonist, but I’m going to wait and see where you go with this.