rdpulfer Posted November 9, 2015 Report Share Posted November 9, 2015 Robert Renfield betrayed his Master Dracula and left him rotting at the bottom of the ocean. Unaware of this development, the hunters of Westenra continue the hunt for Dracula. Westenra's top agent, Stephanie Van Helsing, suffers from mysterious visions and is framed for the death of a colleague. On the run, she confronts Renfield, and both are brought before the Council, an organization of monsters hiding beneath Dallas that opposed Dracula. The Council - consisting of Evelyn, the bride of Frankenstein, the werewolf Bannister and the mummy Rewer - decide to help Van Helsing in exchange for a ceasefire. Meanwhile, after talking to Renfield, the scientifically-minded Stephanie ponders if the events could in fact be supernatural in nature. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 9, 2015 Report Share Posted November 9, 2015 Don't think there was anything attached in the email... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrike76 Posted November 9, 2015 Report Share Posted November 9, 2015 Don't think there was anything attached in the email... I see the same thing on my end. No attachment. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted November 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2015 Okay, it's been re-sent now . . . with the attachment. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 10, 2015 Report Share Posted November 10, 2015 pg 1: "She hadn’t even stopped to consider the fallout at Westenra." --really? It's been a few days by now, I'm sure she's thought of it at some point. pg 2: "Renfield apparently had the good sense to look away altogether. " --is she naked? Why? pg 5: “It’s more of a case of calling collect,” Evelyn said. “Ten scholars enter. Only nine leave. The Devil takes one scholar as payment.” --So is Dracula a scholar? What does the Scholomance actually do, if the point isn't to make Dracula into a vampire? What was his original intention in doing this? pg 5: "“His Faustian pact gave him an advantage over his enemies, one that death.”" --incomplete sentence... pg 6: "Stephanie pushed her hands so deep inside her pockets she could almost touch her thighs. " --I touch my thighs every time I put my hands in my pockets... pg 6: "But this document has power to Dracula’s followers. And if you remove it" --wait, what? I'm starting to get confused here. How/why is Stephanie going to remove the document? Does this have something to do with her visions? pg 8: "but I’m still not hiring them." --Was she ever planning to? pg 10: nosily --?? pg 14: I'm not sure Irving can make this work. Jason has not been the best companion to Stephanie so far. I thought the first chapter was good, barring a couple places where I got confused as to what the plan was. The Irving chapter was again...maybe not necessary? Also, are you implying by the phone calls in both chapters that the mummy lord is the buyer? If so, no one actually called each other. If not, the phone calls at the same time seems off. I'm not convinced Jason can do any better than anyone else in getting to Stephanie, especially after what happened in the apartment. In the last chapter, Stephanie's memories of her sister were interesting, but I'm not sure how much they added to the situation. Did they lead her to the statue of the dragon? Also, why did the Chosen happen to be hanging around at that time? Hopefully we'll find out next chapter. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted November 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2015 Thanks for the feedback Mandamon. It looks like I have a lot more sentence work on this chapter to add more clarification. I think the next chapter might have more details on what the Chosen are doing, but yeah, the idea is that Stephanie's memory lead her to the dragon. I need to specify that too. And I also need to completely overhaul Jason's character to make him more sympathetic and less incompetent. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrike76 Posted November 12, 2015 Report Share Posted November 12, 2015 The Stephanie chapter was good for the most part, but it seems like we’ve had a lot of chapters lately where the only thing that happens is the main characters happen to be present while information is presented. Some of that information is interesting, but it doesn’t make for very compelling reading. I find myself wanting to skim to where the information is presented because the lead-up to it doesn’t interest me much. The Irving chapter was weaker than the first in this submission, and typically, he comes up with a great idea for something to do with Jason and Stephanie and we don’t get to know what it is. The mystery here is finding out what exactly Irving has planned rather than knowing what his plan is and seeing if it succeeds, and as a consequence I’m not terribly invested because it’s pretty obvious we’ll find out what it is in a later chapter. I am a little bit curious what it is, because given Jason's state, and the lack of Irving's hired goons ability to track down Stephanie already, I'm not sure what possible use Jason will be at this point, so I don't see at all what Irving sees. The last Stephanie chapter was okay, though the banter with Renfield felt overdone, and the action at the end, with her being knocked down by the Chosen, wasn’t very clear at all. I thought her approaching the dragon had released some sort of energy that knocked her flat. I'm also not sure what drew her to the park. Were these dragons mentioned earlier in the book because I don't remember them, so it kind of came out of nowhere. I’m curious to see what happens next, particularly in the park with the Chosen, but I’m not especially worried for anyone’s safety 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted November 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2015 Thanks shrike76. This really helps. I've already make notes that I need to be a little more strategies in the way I split up the chapter so it doesn't feel redundant or boring. I also think I need to introduce Stephanie's memories of the park much earlier to build up her connection with it. And lastly, you're right - this feels very safe, which is a step down from when Dracula appeared in the first chapter. I'll have to find a way to raise the stakes in the rewrites 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) Arrghh - got 2 weeks ahead of myself - meant to post in 23 to 25, and you can't delete posts? Anyway, wiped the text that was in here... Edited December 7, 2015 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 And we're back.... “Renfield apparently had the good sense” – she can see him looking away. “They two of them followed Bannis” – redundant because of ‘they’. “Renfield beaming with pride” – I didn’t feel this emotion was appropriate. What is he proud of? I don’t take him to be that shallow. Look at me, I’ve got a tattoo of something significant. “It’s more of a case of calling collect” – lol “His Faustian pact gave him an advantage over his enemies, one that death.” – something missing or wrong word? “Ceausesau” – Ceausescu. “Well, at least he’s not resisting the digital age too much” – I don’t like this comment. It brings nothing, not insightful, not humourous, rather naive, I thought. “She was They had impressed her, which wasn’t easy to do” But then she restates her own thought – awkward. “somewhere in plain sight” – why would it be? This phrase is becoming a cliché now. Evelyn says “Too bad there aren’t any dragons in Dallas” – but Steph’s response doesn’t follow the correct syntax, should be “Maybe there are not,” I think. “the Buyer would have called the to gloat” “Westenra became a ghost town after five” – not a very dedicated crew then. This is pathetic. My company has 35 people and there are always a handful in the office till 6 / 6:30 / 7pm every day. We design roads and buildings. A company that is trying to save the world from monsters should have WAY more dedication to duty than this. Overall impression: At this point, I'm feeling a lack of tension in the plotline. There are good inter-personal tensions between the characters, but there is little or no tension driving the story. I think it lacks a ticking-clock quite badly now. Irving has set this rabid bounty hunter after them, but we can’t see him, so don’t know if he’s getting close. We don’t know it Dracula’s followers are making efforts to find and free him, we don’t know if the Buyer is getting close to the fugitives. There’s a lack of urgency and I think it’s hurting the story at this point. “I’m very close, but there are some . . . formalities I have to attend to,” The Buyer hesitated. “It’s complicated, and honestly, I would really prefer it if someone would un-complicate it for me.” – This doesn’t address my earlier comment, because we can’t see any imminent danger around Stephanie. It doesn’t feel like anyone is at risk. “He felt a bit guilty” “I was going to marry her next week” – I presume he was going to ASK her. “on Irving’s mental door” – yuck. “such as knights and bishops” – repeating the phrase used earlier is awkward, and a bit boring – chess metaphors are big cliché when worked this hard. “Evelyn lunged between the two men” – I didn’t sense they were going to come to blows, hers seems like an overreaction. “I didn’t know hunter training including Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt” – lol. “Paldadin. > Figures.” – rofl. “a dead run in the laughter” - ?????????? “wouldn’t look half as good” – some real body image stereotype reinforcement going on here. Is it fair to say you’re not going for the female audience with this story? Summation: I'm really glad to see some action at the end of this submission after a long break, but when it comes it’s rather underwhelming. I think the last 2 or 3 pages could pack a lot more punch. The appearance of the chosen is good, but I think you could safely dial up the violence and the danger way up here. Glad for things to pick up a bit of pace, hopefully the action will continue in the next submission. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kammererite Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Another set of good character driven chapters. I don't have much to add on everyone else comments. Page 13. I think you mean propose not marry. I am unclear as to why they waited for night. Was Rewer scouting..if so he did a poor job. Awesome LARPing. Okay this speculation is rooted in information from the next chapters but i suspect the buyer is Rewer or working for him. The end pulled me right into the next submission 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Thanks Kammerite! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Hey Robinski, Thanks for noting the lack of tension. I think that's a real problem with the middle of the book, and that's something I'm really going to have to tighten up in rewrite. I think you are right that the danger is lacking in the Chosen . . . they don't really make for much of a threat overall. Thanks for the feedback. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Overall the tension is dropping from the story. So far I’m still liking the POV’s of Stephanie and, to a lesser degree, Renfield, but the Irving chapters revolve around him being on the phone with one harebrained scheme after the other. As a villain he’s not really working for me, as he’s not really a villain, he’s an underling for the Buyer (who might be a villain) and not a good one at that. Some other points: Renfield’s tattoo: How could they only now have found out what it meant? Dracula is the Big Bad in their circles, surely someone would know what his crest looked like? And why do they need to find out what it meant, shouldn’t Renfield have known it was his master’s crest tattooed on his arm? Stephanie’s atheism: Not to stomp all over Stephanie’s atheism, as I find it refreshing to read about an atheist protagonist fighting the supernatural, but she’s fighting monsters like vampires, werewolves, Hyde, mummies, and who knows else. All of them supernatural beings. Yet she draws so vehemently a line at the existence of a god or a devil? Ghost town after five: They hunt monsters. Monsters come out at night. Why would the office be deserted when the sun goes down? I’d expect teams on standby to send out when needed, I’d expect technicians and an Ops center to start getting into gear. When hunting monsters it’s the daytime that should have less people active. Maybe if someone found a nest of vampires they could torch it with a clean-up team during the day, but otherwise I’d expect sleep schedules to be reversed to match the monsters. Irving déjà vu: Didn’t we have a similar chapter with Irving last time? This Irving chapter felt kind of superfluous and as the only bad guy we see on stage, as POV character, I’m still not really buying it. The sense I have of Irving is that he is in over his head. He made a stupid deal to save his wife and now he’s covering mistakes with more mistakes. I don’t think he can use Harker, but he’s welcome to try. Larping: Stephanie larping. I like this. Dragon: If the purpose of the dragon is to hide the scroll, having vampire bodyguards might not be the best idea in the world. I also found the last scenes in the park a bit confusing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted January 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2016 Thanks Asmodemon - I'm definitely going to rework the park scene altogether. I also agree Westenra's lack of a night crew doesn't make much sense. I am going to explain that their approach to fighting monsters is more scientific - like they believe the supernatural can all be explained with super-science. But I'm also going to downplay Stephanie's atheism in the next draft. I'll have to check at the this Irving chapter, make sure his actions make sense and he's not, like you said, covering up mistakes with more mistakes 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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