TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Right now, I don't feel like I can. If I say anything in my own defense, chances are good she'll accuse me of acting like Mom. If I say nothing, she'll take it as proof of guilt. If I apologize, she might use it as an opportunity to criticize me again. And no, I don't have anywhere else I can stay.
ThirdGen Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Here's what happened: The whole blowup was over dinner. I asked her if she'd go to the store to get an ingredient we didn't have, and she said yes in a way that made it clear she'd rather do anything else. I said I'd just make something different, and long story short, that small stupid fight escalated until she was saying she'd just pay for the ingredient herself and I was storming upstairs for the grocery store gift card our mom had left us when she went on her trip. I don't know how she was feeling, but I was feeling bullied, so I told her so. And when she said "You are acting JUST like Mom!" it was kind of the last straw. She stormed out of the house to her car, only to return a few minutes later. I told her I didn't want to talk just then and went and sat in the garage for a while. While I was there, she made dinner. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat mine. Not even later. I know it hurt her, and I know she probably saw that as a peace offering, but I just....I wanted her to know that the hurtful things she says to me stick. I feel like I'm expected to automatically accept every apology I'm given, wiping the slate clean for the next one, but this time I just couldn't. Now she's not speaking to me. Even if she was, I'd still feel like I really was acting like our mom. I feel awful, but like there's nothing I can do to make it up to her. I can't even explain my side because every time I do, she twists it around so I'm accusing her of something. So now we're stuck. I'm just like my mom and there's not a thing I can do about it. It sounds like the communication the family is used to keeps each person feeling like they're walking on eggshells, to the point where passive-aggressive moves sound about the same as nervously changing your mind to not get snapped at. The line is blurred, eroding trust and keeping the people not in passive-aggressive control of the conversation divided. Your sister might be in a very similar conversational spot as you, even if she has a different personality and thought process.
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 It sounds like the communication the family is used to keeps each person feeling like they're walking on eggshells, to the point where passive-aggressive moves sound about the same as nervously changing your mind to not get snapped at. The line is blurred, eroding trust and keeping the people not in passive-aggressive control of the conversation divided. Your sister might be in a very similar conversational spot as you, even if she has a different personality and thought process. Maybe. I don't know how to find that out, though. I suck at communicating. And I think she's still upset, since she came down briefly and then went back to bed. It's so useless. I don't know how I'll ever manage with people outside the family. I should've just eaten the stupid dinner last night.
Kaymyth she/her Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Here's what happened: The whole blowup was over dinner. I asked her if she'd go to the store to get an ingredient we didn't have, and she said yes in a way that made it clear she'd rather do anything else. I said I'd just make something different, and long story short, that small stupid fight escalated until she was saying she'd just pay for the ingredient herself and I was storming upstairs for the grocery store gift card our mom had left us when she went on her trip. I don't know how she was feeling, but I was feeling bullied, so I told her so. And when she said "You are acting JUST like Mom!" it was kind of the last straw. She stormed out of the house to her car, only to return a few minutes later. I told her I didn't want to talk just then and went and sat in the garage for a while. While I was there, she made dinner. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat mine. Not even later. I know it hurt her, and I know she probably saw that as a peace offering, but I just....I wanted her to know that the hurtful things she says to me stick. I feel like I'm expected to automatically accept every apology I'm given, wiping the slate clean for the next one, but this time I just couldn't. Now she's not speaking to me. Even if she was, I'd still feel like I really was acting like our mom. I feel awful, but like there's nothing I can do to make it up to her. I can't even explain my side because every time I do, she twists it around so I'm accusing her of something. So now we're stuck. I'm just like my mom and there's not a thing I can do about it. That sounds to me more like your sister acting like your mother than you. All of that twisting things around back at you? That's exactly what your mom does. Your reaction sounds a lot more like a person who is under a great deal of stress trying to navigate a complicated social environment. Coincidentally enough, that's also exactly where you are. You will manage with people just fine, because most people do not act the way your family does. The biggest thing you're going to have to worry about is deprogramming your expectations so that you don't wind up dating someone who does the same crap to you. 4
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 That sounds to me more like your sister acting like your mother than you. All of that twisting things around back at you? That's exactly what your mom does. Your reaction sounds a lot more like a person who is under a great deal of stress trying to navigate a complicated social environment. Coincidentally enough, that's also exactly where you are. You will manage with people just fine, because most people do not act the way your family does. The biggest thing you're going to have to worry about is deprogramming your expectations so that you don't wind up dating someone who does the same crap to you. She made breakfast for dinner, and I just found out she stayed up late so she could make our brother fresh eggs when he got home at 11:30. It's exactly the kind of thing our mom would do. But the burden of proving you're not like Mom calls on me in this case, because I didn't accept her symbolic apology last night. So she gets to be the morally superior one. And I'm pretty sure she told Mom about our fight, because I got a text last night from Mom saying "Why does she think that," so I think she meant to send it to my sister but accidentally sent it to me and my brother instead. I'm just tired of living here. If it weren't for Bruce....I don't know what I'd do. 1
Kaymyth she/her Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 She made breakfast for dinner, and I just found out she stayed up late so she could make our brother fresh eggs when he got home at 11:30. It's exactly the kind of thing our mom would do. But the burden of proving you're not like Mom calls on me in this case, because I didn't accept her symbolic apology last night. So she gets to be the morally superior one. And I'm pretty sure she told Mom about our fight, because I got a text last night from Mom saying "Why does she think that," so I think she meant to send it to my sister but accidentally sent it to me and my brother instead. I'm just tired of living here. If it weren't for Bruce....I don't know what I'd do. Sneaking food into your room as a peace offering is not a symbolic apology, it's a tactic to try and get you to thaw enough to apologize to her so that she can still feel like the wronged party. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This is not a normal family dynamic. If I lived close enough to you to make it remotely feasible, you absolutely would have someplace to go. You wouldn't be the first tormented twentysomething that I've rescued from a toxic family environment... 4
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 And now my car is making scary noises. Lovely. 1
Silverblade5 he/him Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 You know that feeling you get when you know for a fact, that you're the weakest link in a group? When you feel like you're doing nothing but holding everyone back? When the smartest decision that group could possibly make would be cutting you, and you know that doing so would greatly improve said group? When you feel that by showing up, you're doing nothing but wasting everyone's time? 2
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You know that feeling you get when you know for a fact, that you're the weakest link in a group? When you feel like you're doing nothing but holding everyone back? When the smartest decision that group could possibly make would be cutting you, and you know that doing so would greatly improve said group? When you feel that by showing up, you're doing nothing but wasting everyone's time? I hifhly doubt this is true. Even if you don't have emotion driving this feeling, it's entirely possible your brain is still lying to you. Logic is a powerful tool, but people draw faulty conclusions from incomplete data all the time. Your mind might be able to draw conclusions more quickly than others you know, but that doesn't mean its conclusions will always be right. Yoir brain simply doesn't have all the data to make a reliable conclusion here, so don't assume that what your brain is telling you is necessarily true. 2
Delightful Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) You know that feeling you get when you know for a fact, that you're the weakest link in a group? When you feel like you're doing nothing but holding everyone back? When the smartest decision that group could possibly make would be cutting you, and you know that doing so would greatly improve said group? When you feel that by showing up, you're doing nothing but wasting everyone's time?Usually when I feel like this it's just my brain being disconnected from reality. Instead of looking for reasons why they wouldn't want you, take note of when they invite you over, smile, offer a word of thanks and encouragement. I find it highly unlikely anyone would want to get rid of you. Edited October 28, 2015 by Delightful 1
Silverblade5 he/him Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I hifhly doubt this is true. Even if you don't have emotion driving this feeling, it's entirely possible your brain is still lying to you. Logic is a powerful tool, but people draw faulty conclusions from incomplete data all the time. Your mind might be able to draw conclusions more quickly than others you know, but that doesn't mean its conclusions will always be right. Yoir brain simply doesn't have all the data to make a reliable conclusion here, so don't assume that what your brain is telling you is necessarily true. Usually when I feel like this it's just my brain being disconnected from reality. Instead of looking for reasons why they wouldn't want you, take note of when they invite you over, smile, offer a word of thanks and encouragement. I find it highly unlikely anyone would want to get rid of you. Here's the thing though: I just received hard evidence this was true, and have been getting it all year. I just haven't been seeing it. Either that, or I was remaining willfully ignorant. Everyone else in my school's jazz band is so much better than me at everything, and to constantly be the one receiving all the corrections, or to constantly be brushed off when I try to contribute or ask to solo, can be pretty depressing. Thing is though, it makes perfect sense if you look at it from a qualitative point of view.
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Here's the thing though: I just received hard evidence this was true, and have been getting it all year. I just haven't been seeing it. Either that, or I was remaining willfully ignorant. Everyone else in my school's jazz band is so much better than me at everything, and to constantly be the one receiving all the corrections, or to constantly be brushed off when I try to contribute or ask to solo, can be pretty depressing. Thing is though, it makes perfect sense if you look at it from a qualitative point of view. Have you talked to your teacher about what you can do to be given a solo? It seems like there are a few things that could be happening here: 1. You could be a drag and not contribute much to jazz band. 2. Your teacher could be playing favorites and only giving solos to a few favored students, with a wild card or two mixed in so it doesn't seem suspicious. 3. Your teacher could be singling you out because they think you're good and can become great with a few more pointers. 4. Your teacher could be singling you out because they have some personal grudge against you. Number 4 actually happened to me, by the way. The teacher didn't like me for my religious views (which I naively shared on the first "tell the teacher about yourself" assignment) and so he invented reasons to correct me or give me low grades. So don't immediately assume it's you, because teachers can be downright nasty sometimes. Seek out a little more evidence before you draw a conclusion.
Mistrunner Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Here's the thing though: I just received hard evidence this was true, and have been getting it all year. I just haven't been seeing it. Either that, or I was remaining willfully ignorant. Everyone else in my school's jazz band is so much better than me at everything, and to constantly be the one receiving all the corrections, or to constantly be brushed off when I try to contribute or ask to solo, can be pretty depressing. Thing is though, it makes perfect sense if you look at it from a qualitative point of view.Y'know what you can do about that? Get better. I usually hate getting that answer, but it works. Make an effort to practice and show up anybody that says you can't.Besides, I doubt you're actually holding them back just because you're not being asked to solo and you're being corrected. And don't you give up just because you think you aren't good enough. Honestly, I'm in much the same position, having moved to a high school with a much better band than the one I came from. Hang in there. Also, what do you play? I'm trumpet, though probably switching to baritone because this band has about fifteen trumpets.
Silverblade5 he/him Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Have you talked to your teacher about what you can do to be given a solo? It seems like there are a few things that could be happening here: 1. You could be a drag and not contribute much to jazz band. 2. Your teacher could be playing favorites and only giving solos to a few favored students, with a wild card or two mixed in so it doesn't seem suspicious. 3. Your teacher could be singling you out because they think you're good and can become great with a few more pointers. 4. Your teacher could be singling you out because they have some personal grudge against you. Number 4 actually happened to me, by the way. The teacher didn't like me for my religious views (which I naively shared on the first "tell the teacher about yourself" assignment) and so he invented reasons to correct me or give me low grades. So don't immediately assume it's you, because teachers can be downright nasty sometimes. Seek out a little more evidence before you draw a conclusion. Actually, my teacher is one of the most caring people. He's singling me out because I have the most to work on. Thing is, not much real improvement is taking place.
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Actually, my teacher is one of the most caring people. He's singling me out because I have the most to work on. Thing is, not much real improvement is taking place. Is there some way you can ask for extra help, either from the teacher or from a tutor? Maybe an older student who could help you out a little?
Silverblade5 he/him Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Is there some way you can ask for extra help, either from the teacher or from a tutor? Maybe an older student who could help you out a little? No. With cross country, black belt testing, and ap classes, there just isn't enough time. I'm not even able to practice at home because I play saxophone and I normally bike to and from school.
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) No. With cross country, black belt testing, and ap classes, there just isn't enough time. I'm not even able to practice at home because I play saxophone and I normally bike to and from school.Take the bus so you'll have a little extra time to practice until you improve?Edit: Or even do some of your homework on the bus so you'll have more time to practice at home? Edited October 28, 2015 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles
Silverblade5 he/him Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Take the bus so you'll have a little extra time to practice until you improve? Edit: Or even do some of your homework on the bus so you'll have more time to practice at home? Bus is to expensive. Given how late my mom usually works, riding my bike home is the only way I'm able to get there in time to actually get stuff done.
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Bus is to expensive. Given how late my mom usually works, riding my bike home is the only way I'm able to get there in time to actually get stuff done. Your school bus isn't free?
Zathoth Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 The only solution I see is to learn to bike and Jazz at the same time. And then you can even learn to play the bike, like Frank Zappa did... Jokes or genius insanity aside I know exactly how you feel. I decided to take music (Im not going to explain the swedish school system, you'll have to live without that) because I didnt know what else to. It felt like it would be fun (it was), but I was a complete beginner when it came to everything, so everyone was constantly better than me. So... unn... Im not sure how that is supposed to make you feel better exactly... but now I typed it out so I might as well post it...
Briar King Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Omg is anyone else watching the Pub debate? These CNBC hosts are complete AhSatSs!
Orlion Blight he/him Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 And now my car is making scary noises. Lovely. Ugh, that's no good... Would you mind explaining them? A lot of times, it's not something to drastic, but every once in a while, it could mean you're driving a death machine. (I had a bunch of sounds with my old car, about a couple months ago, it was making a clear "I am a danger to the driver, passengers, and everyone around me" sounds. You probably don't have that one, but might have one that will lead to it in a couple years) I'm not calming things, am I?
TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Ugh, that's no good... Would you mind explaining them? A lot of times, it's not something to drastic, but every once in a while, it could mean you're driving a death machine. (I had a bunch of sounds with my old car, about a couple months ago, it was making a clear "I am a danger to the driver, passengers, and everyone around me" sounds. You probably don't have that one, but might have one that will lead to it in a couple years) I'm not calming things, am I? Not at all. It's a clunk noise that only acts up when I'm going over a bump or decelerating and sounds like it's coming from the back of the car. When I accelerate, the engine runs louder than it usually does. I got the mechanic to pencil me in tomorrow to see if it's a safety issue.
Orlion Blight he/him Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Not at all. It's a clunk noise that only acts up when I'm going over a bump or decelerating and sounds like it's coming from the back of the car. When I accelerate, the engine runs louder than it usually does. I got the mechanic to pencil me in tomorrow to see if it's a safety issue. Hope it's not a strut issue. Could also be a stabilizer bar that keeps hitting the axle (which is not too bad, but usually indicates a strut is bad or is going bad) but it doesn't sound like a death machine, so you should be safe Keep us posted!
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