08/26/13 - jParker - The Gravemaker

[jParker]

Alright guys. Let me have it.

[andyk]

I thought this had a really nice tone and style of writing - poetic but sparse. That said, I did have a couple of problems with the story.

 

It's mostly told fairly tightly from Hal's PoV, which makes it odd to say that he didn't notice the dog had stopped scratching, and not to put in anything about who the guest is, who he seems to recognise. I realise that this is done to build the tension, but for me it didn't really work.

 

The reference to coming in from a storm also threw me. We're two thirds of the way through the scene, and up until now there's been no indication of violent weather, so it was at odds with how I pictured the scene.

 

The whole thing feels like a scene, not a story. Hal's not trying to do anything, and the end doesn't really relate to what's come before. It feels like set-up for what comes next. Though if there is something next, then I'm interested to read it.

[Mandamon]

I agree with andyk, so I won't repeat his comments.  I liked the tone of the story, such as it was.  You did a good job of painting the background of Hal without spelling it out.

But that's pretty much it.  Not that you have a lot of room in something this short, but I also thought it felt like a scene.  It was a painting of a few moments in time, but didn't actually get to the end of its train of thought.

This might benefit from some explanation of what you meant to achieve.  If this was a study of describing a character, then good job.  As a (very) short full story, it felt unfinished.

[jParker]

Andy, I had originally started the story with Hal staring at the approaching storm, but it felt (to me) super cliche to start anything with that, so I cut it. 

 

Also, I never had an intention of making this more than a B-side for Sephar. Its purpose is to flesh out the malak al-maut, the archangel of death. I'll probably post more of him at another time.

[andyk]

You're right, starting staring into the storm would be pretty cliche, and probably undermine the power of your writing in this piece. Maybe a small reference to the sound of rain or thunder, something like that, would do the job of clarifying the scene without slowing it down?

[Ben Moore]

Rather than repeat points others have already made, I'll just give my take on the characters.

 

Hal: A gravedigger who just wants to be left alone, his visitor though won't leave alone Hal and insists on him coming away with him, I have no idea what sort of pay off is going to come at the end but I assume supernatural action in a 19th century setting.

 

The dog: Unloved, wants to be fed/loved, will most likely be killed by Hal in the morning and (personally) I'd love for him to become a faithful companion by the end of the story.   

 

Dogs have lots of myths associated with the dead and so could be a source of material. Also if the character is on his own a lot, having the dog along might be useful for character development as treating the dog better could be a way of showing us Hal's recovery from his trauma.

 

The visitor: Spectral presence, wants Hal for something he probably won't enjoy, I assume that he will be the guide into the story and world.  

[cjhuitt]

As mentioned by the others, I didn't see a story here.  Unlike the others, I don't even really see a scene... just a setting, and the precipitating event.  There is a bit of action that might entail calling it a scene, but for that I'd like to see more of 1) what Hal's goal is, and 2) how it is twisted so that he fails at it.  As it stands, it appears his goal is to drink himself to oblivion, but the failure is inviting someone in... which if his goals is to drink, there's no reason to pay attention to what's at the door anyway.

 

The beginning of the story felt like it may have started in the wrong spot.  I say this because after the first few paragraphs, it goes into a bunch of backstory to explain why Hal felt the way he did at the time.  Ideally, we'd know the backstory already and thus feel things with Hal as he does, instead of needing to have it explained after.  Of course, we don't always hit that ideal, but it's worst the effort.

 

Third, while others appear to enjoy the writing (and I do too -- the writing itself is fine), I would call it too empty of details rather than sparse.  I'd like to see more setting description worked in there somehow.

[Carcinios]

Sorry I've taken so long to read and respond to this. I just moved house and so things have been pretty hectic. Anyhow...

 

I loved this. Sure it was somewhat unpolished, but the atmosphere grabbed me right away. I did not at all mind the lack of exposition here because it was so wrapped up in shaping the character; Hal made so much sense as a character - it is utterly convincing that a guy who spends his entire life burying the dead would be hugely traumatised by it. That piled on top of the mass fire is a truly harrowing mental image.

 

If that wasn't enough you had just enough of the supernatural to leave me wondering about gravemakers. Is burying the dead all they do or have they got some other less mundane  role? Having not read any entries for a while this was really good fun.

 

At present I can't see how this fits with Ostinato but that really doesn't bother me. however I wonder if it is worth keeping the link loose. I don't know how developed the respective plots of the two stories are but if they are not heavily reliant on each other consider splitting Gravemaker off into a stand alone. If Ostinato is your big project that you want to do well, it would be a shame to weigh all the same restrictions on Gravemaker in terms of world building. Forcing Gravemaker into the same magic system, same culture, history etc. would weaken it as a story. I would hate to see Gravemaker restricted as a narrative piece because of Ostinato shaped boundaries.

 

Still I am interested to see where you will take this.

[jParker]

Thanks Carcinios. I'm quite familiar with the chaos of moving; any transgression, real or imagined, is forgiven.

 

I'm afraid the only connection between Gravemaker and Ostinato is the world in which it takes place. That is the only thing they share. Ostinato won't feature a magic system, different continent, different century. However, I hadn't really planned on making more of Gravemaker; facets may make appearances, but nothing will play a major role. This was just an exercise in writing for fun in a more minimalist style,

[Robinski]

Well enough written, evoking some interesting images but story itself is not particularly surprising and ends up where most people would expect it to go, I think.

 

I know now that you’ve answered this already, but I found myself asking ‘Is it part of a larger piece? I'm not quite sure what its function is.’ It’s not really long enough for us to learn much about Hal’s character or to develop a theme and comment on it, in fact my reaction was quite the opposite, instead of finding our something about the ‘death’ character as you noted, I found myself wanting to know more about Hal. His background sounds harrowing, and a longer piece on the psychological effects and a scene about how he interacts with a ‘normal’ person I think would have been very interesting.

 

Just spit-balling, but perhaps the first time he is brought to the door by someone seeking refuge from the storm, then the following night there’s another knock and this time it’s death. Okay, maybe that’s going off on the wrong track, but I just felt this was so short that I did not have time to glean much of anything from it.

Well enough written, evoking some interesting images but story itself is not particularly surprising and ends up where most people would expect it to go, I think.

 

I know now that you’ve answered this already, but I found myself asking ‘Is it part of a larger piece? I'm not quite sure what its function is.’ It’s not really long enough for us to learn much about Hal’s character or to develop a theme and comment on it, in fact my reaction was quite the opposite, instead of finding our something about the ‘death’ character as you noted, I found myself wanting to know more about Hal. His background sounds harrowing, and a longer piece on the psychological effects and a scene about how he interacts with a ‘normal’ person I think would have been very interesting.

 

Just spit-balling, but perhaps the first time he is brought to the door by someone seeking refuge from the storm, then the following night there’s another knock and this time it’s death. Okay, maybe that’s going off on the wrong track, but I just felt this was so short that I did not have time to glean much of anything from it.