If stormlight archive was the wheel of time

[king of nowhere]

A few exchanges in an old thread gave me this idea

Ugh. This whole thread reminds me of how much I'm actually dreading book 2. If this were a Wheel of Time book (or most books, for that matter), Dalinar won't be telling Kaladin about his storm dreams any time soon, and Kaladin won't be telling Dalinar and crew about his powers.

Then shallan would draw syl and think it is an evil spirit and mistrust kaladin for that, and kaladin will think dalinar has his own schemes and will interfere with them just to spite him, navani will try to manipulate dalinr into doing something else, elokhar will not trust any of them and will exile them all, and no character will ever talk openly to each other, and if they talk they will always come to the wrong conclusions andd think they cannot trust each other...

And then the descendants of the crew of the Wandersail would come back from around the Origin, with an absurdly evil culture and preposterously large collective ego. We will then be treated to far, far too much conflict with this group, when considered in proportion to the whole "dark god about to kill us all" threat that rightly ought to be slightly more central to the plot.

So, I just thought we could expand on this and make an affectionate parody of the way the wheel of time plot was driven by the main characters acting like total morons.

 

Navani will hear dalinar's plan about becoming highprince of war and will start thinking he's getting arrogant. She will often telling him he is getting a big head, never giving him the chance to explain - not that he will ever try to explain in the first place. Eventually they will breack up, they will then mistrust each other and spend six books nnever talking to each other, not even to exchange informations, despite having risen to control the two main factions in the forces of mankind (Dalinar an alliance of rosharan nations, except for those that were conquered by the descendants of the crew of the wandersail, and navani will have become the boss of an order of scholars/soulcasters including jasnah and shallan, and will spend far more time meddling for power among her organization than doing something actually productive)

 

 

[happyman he/him]

A few exchanges in an old thread gave me this idea

So, I just thought we could expand on this and make an affectionate parody of the way the wheel of time plot was driven by the main characters acting like total morons.

 

Oh, I dunno.  They seemed to get their act together in that regard in the last three books.

[Truthless he/him]

There aren't a ton of direct parallels as far as characters go - is Dalinar Rand, or is it Kaladin? Would Szeth be Mat, or Dalinar's son with the perfectly forgettable name -- so I'm not sure where to start.

 

Turns out everyone from Shinovar is the direct descendant of the Knights Radiant, warriors extraordinaire, forcing them to decide as a people if they are all slaves or if perhaps fighting is not so dishonorable. (Oh, that turned out nicely.)

[hoser he/him]

Rock will constantly describe all of the people as airsick lowlanders, refuse to fight and not teach anybody else to use a bow, while situations constantly arise where a bowman is needed. 

 

Kaladin will make no effort to communicate with his parents.  Nor will he tell Dalinar about his Radiant abilities or his history with Amaram, even though it affects his job as head of security.

 

Jasnah and Navani will not tell people what they need to know, while competing/fighting with each other. 

[Pechvarry]

Navani's courage as a scribe will need to be tested. Naked.

Shallan will have to learn to use her powers by going through an in-depth ritual. Naked.

Elhokar will have to go through the same ritual. No, don't worry, he can keep his clothes.

Jasnah will be hog-tied naked and left in the middle of a city of bad dudes for days. Somehow, this happens without serious, lasting, emotional trauma.

[Morsk he/him]

The Heralds never would've broken the Oathpact, because torture doesn't really hurt all that much; you just "embrace pain" and laugh while being tortured. Shallan's family wouldn't suffer emotional damage from the abusive father either, for the same reason.

Jasnah would slap and insult everyone who annoys her, and people would fear and respect her for it, never considering it childish. The time she apologized for making Shallan cry? Never happened. Instead, she lectured Shallan on how to make people cry herself, and then Shallan thanked her for teaching her how to be strong.

Dalanar doesn't free the bridgemen. They're his property, and freeing them would be a terrible act of abandonment, and would lower his eyes. The bridgemen appreciate this, and kiss the floor in his presence.

[The Count he/him]

Every female character will spend half of every book sniffing at each other... or pulling their hair.

 

All the characters will spend half of a whole 700 page book as part of a circus for no apparent reason at all.

 

((Should qualify this by saying that I loved WoT, but it really did get bogged down in the middle))

[Lightflame he/him]

- Shalash isn't the Mistress, but people will constantly come up with that theory. In fact, Shalash won't be revealed until Book 10, and she'll be some random character we've never heard about before.

- Whole 1000 page books will go by with Kaladin, Dalinar, Shallan, Szeth, Jasnah, Navani, and Adolin all completely absent.

- By Book 3, all characters of any significance will be able to take down 10 Voidbringers without breaking a sweat.

- Kaladin will spend books going mad before getting over it in one chapter.

- Most of the bad guys will be killed, then revived and killed again after doing nothing important.

- Kaladin will get hooked up to some random woman he meets out of nowhere.

- Hoid will die at the end of the series.

- Odium is actually an impostor and when it looks like he's been beaten at the end of Book 5, Jasnah will reveal that the real deal is still out there.

- Dalinar will start up a Radiant school with the help of an obviously evil guy.

- A bunch of Shin will kidnap Navani and leave Dalinar doing nothing awesome as he spends books chasing after them.

[Pechvarry]

- A bunch of Shin will kidnap Navani and leave Dalinar doing nothing awesome as he spends books chasing after them.

 

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwinner!

[nightwatcher he/him]

Surprise! everyone is royalty.

[Refero he/him]

Kaladin having fun with Jasnah, Shallan and Eshonai!!!

[happyman he/him]

- A bunch of Shin will kidnap Navani and leave Dalinar doing nothing awesome as he spends books chasing after them.

 

This one alone earned my upvote.

[Galladon he/him]

Rock would grumble about Kaladin allways being too "hasty"

                                          -in a deep grumbly bumblebee voice

and then proceed to outpace a horse.

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

Dalinar will have some great victory and 20 different rumours will spread and Kaladin will hear the most innacurate one and hate Dalinar for 5 books.

The Parshendi will fight over a puddle and be afraid to cross water.

And best one I just thought of: If Stormlight Archive were like the Wheel of Time.... Brandon Sanderson would have to finish it!

Edited August 23, 2013 by fatjack4391

[IDK Margot]

One of the bridge crew will find a Parshendi knife and carry it around with him while it kills him and makes him evil.  This will connect him spiritually with Rysn who really worships Odium and will follow him for the rest of the series.

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

This thread is just too much fun. I really do love WoT time. But with that said...

If SA were like WoT, then Adolin will get a group of badass killer women as bodyguards who will constantly make fun of him when he keeps a mental list of all of them who died, whilst calling him a "stubborn wool-headed sheepherder".

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

I actually just started rereading WoT and am only on book 2, so I got another 12 books of fresh material to use.

Kaladin will deny his Windrunning powers and will refuse to accept it and run away from responsibility for about 6 books.

Renarin will always be hit on by girls, and will blush and be embarrassed, wishing Adolin was there cause he's 'good with women.' The same thing will happen to Adolin and he'll think the same about Renarin.

Szeth will acidentally unleash an ancient evil into the world, that becomes a minor antagonist for the rest of the series that has no lasting, severe consequences, and is offhandedly defeated in one blow during the Final Battle.

[GreyPilgrim he/him]

Kaladin will find one of the Ten Fools and trap him, forcing him to teach him about Windrunning. Kaladin will come to trust the Fool, who will then be killed mysteriously. We will all rabidly theorize over who the killer is, until it is randomly given to us in the Ars Arcanum.

Jasnah will constantly think about how men are totally stupid and lacking of brains, then become 100%besotted with the most attractive one she finds, who happens to be a king and kind of a ripoff of Aragorn.

Adolin will marry the Empress of an evil empire that hates Surgebinders, and by extension all of the other main characters.

No one will ever shut up about Kaladin being a surgeon's son. Ever.

Finally, when everything is set and done, it will be decided that Odium was never the enemy.

[Straff Venture he/him]

Jost and his family will be referenced throughout the series as a group of troublemakers whilst making one brief reappearance whilst Kaladin returns to Hearthstone in order to protect it from a completely isolated Voidbringer attack.

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

Now that Kaladin is bonded with Syl, he will aptly ignore her for the next large chunk of story, and she will basically only come back around to be used against him in the Final Battle. Unsuccessfully, of course.

[Gloom he/him]

Kaladin would have to travel across the world to find the Shard that isn't a Shard in a fortress that can't be breached, while being pursued by one of the ten fools.

 

Navani would be trapped in the Tranquil Halls for six books and presumed dead. Dalinar will pine over her loss all the way up to the last book, at which point Renarin will rescue her and bring her back so she can hold Kaladins hand and tell him to be a good boy.

[GreyPilgrim he/him]

/>Kaladin would have to travel across the world to find the Shard that isn't a Shard in a fortress that can't be breached, while being pursued by one of the ten fools.

Navani would be trapped in the Tranquil Halls for six books and presumed dead. Dalinar will pine over her loss all the way up to the last book, at which point Renarin will rescue her and bring her back so she can hold Kaladins hand and tell him to be a good boy.

It is a little sad how true this is.

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

All of the main characters will discover a broken, forbidden magic attack that somehow just conveniently makes something never have existed before.
Because that makes sense.

(And then at the end when the bad guys are wrecking the good guys with it. Jasnah will all of a sudden figure out how to do its exact opposite effect and save the day with it)

I can't stop posting these. It's toooo easy!

[Pechvarry]

Not gonna lie. I get excited every time I see this thread bumped.

[Lightflame he/him]

Kaladin and Dalinar bring back the Radiants. The next book, rather than advancing the plot, will be about what every single other character in the series was doing while Kaladin brought back the Radiants.

 

Adolin will find out that Dalinar is not his father, and then despite how awesome Dalinar is, readers won't see him again until the last book, where he will teach Adolin to find peace while simultaneously hanging out with Shallan in Shinovar.

 

The series will end with Kaladin switching bodies with Szeth and heading off on wild adventures.

 

Adolin will take a break from the crusade against Odium to buy some grain.

 

Kaladin, instead of rejecting the Shardblade, would spend ten books carrying it around. Despite his Shardblade literally trying to kill him at one point, he wouldn't ditch it until he got mad and chopped some guy's hand off.

 

The quality of food will degrade throughout the books, culminating in Elhokar holding a fancy feast and literally serving his guests rust.

 

One of the Parshendi would see Kaladin and start worshiping him, causing him to become a major threat that had to be defeated.

 

Odium would be defeated because someone yelled at him in all caps.

 

Cultivation would be a horse who keeps appearing randomly nearby important plot points.