Reading Excuses 20150713 Scholomancer Chapter 1 (L)

[rdpulfer]

Previously, Rob Renfield, servant of Dracula, betrayed his Master at the bottom of the ocean inside an experimental submarine. Sabotaging the sub, Renfield is able to trap his Master inside as it sinks down into the Marianas Trench, while Renfield apparently escapes with the aid of the mysterious Fish Man. 

[Mandamon]

I like the gathering monsters, but the villains here seem very similar to the group from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which has seen a lot in both film and graphic novel format.  I'm guessing the monster hunters are trying to get rid of them, and the name drop of Renfield sets up some tension between sets of main characters.

 

However, I think this was less polished than the prologue.  There were several places with wrong word choices, some missing words, and some passive voice.  Things that could probably have been corrected by a once-over before submission.  It was enough to distract me while reading.

 

I noted below how you seem to be forcing the reader to dislike Holmwood, though we haven't actually met him yet.  I want to be able to form my own opinion.  Not being able to come up with a good cover story on the fly doesn't necessarily mean a person is incapable.

 

Not quite sure what's going on at the end of the chapter.  Did she read the scroll?  Or did something else attack her?  My first thought was the blob (from old B-movies) was swallowing her up.

 

Overall, I'm still interested to see what the main plot of the novel will, as well as where the title comes in.  So far it's been more on the Urban Fantasy/Thriller end of the spectrum, where a title with "mancer" in it means more of a Sword and Sorcery Fantasy novel to me.

 

 

Notes:

 

pg 1: "Still, Stephanie could stop some signs of life from her binoculars."

--see signs of life?

 

pg 2: "making another sweep or the perimeter"

--around?

 

pg 2: "She was content with any reply, as long as what happened in that hotel room during an op in New Orleans."

--missing something.

 

pg 3: Interesting.  We now have Dracula, the Fish Man, and Mr. Hyde.  Shaping up to be an Anti-league of Extraordinary Gentleman?  Not to mention Harker, Van Helsing, and Renfield.

 

pg 4: "It didn’t help that she was down to a skeleton crew on this op. She only had six-man team on this op. Three of them were in the car with her. "

--some repetition here. This could probably be rephrased into one sentence.  There's been several of these so far.

 

pg 6: There's a lot about how bad Holmwood is, but we haven't even really met him, besides a voice on the radio.  It seems like a lot of priming to dislike a character, but I haven't seen any reason to yet.

 

pg 7: "Ten minutes later, the five-member team was stacked outside a heavy-duty refrigeration door outside of the building known as Processing Four"

--word repetition

 

pg 8: "His smile was contagious."

--you just said it was infectious a sentence back.  I'd take out one of the references.

 

pg 10: "It was louder than Stephanie had expected."

This seems strange.  How loud do you expect someone to scream when you shoot them?

 

pg 11: "Her face exploded into pain as she fell backwards. She fell backwards"

--repetition.

"Before she could collect her thoughts, her brain exploded."

--no it didn't...it might have felt like it did...

 

pg 12: "She could feel the sharp feeling of something graze her leg."

--what's a "sharp feeling?"

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Mandamon. I should mention this is from my first draft, which I'm still working on, so I expect it's going to be rough throughout. I'm conscious of the League of Extraordinary Gentleman comparisons . . . especially with the Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde in this chapter. Hopefully, I can build enough of a payoff with them. I also liked your comments on Holmwood. I want to keep the readers' thoughts on him ambiguous, so I'll definitely make sure I don't overdo it, even if the characters themselves don't much care for him. 

[Robinski]

Detailed comments below, it’s mostly in there, but I had some difficulties. The character exposition at the beginning is rather info dumpy and I skipped through it because I don’t really care about these people yet. If I get to know them I might become interested in their origins, but background does not equal character.

 

Also, the tone of the piece is a lot more comedic than the prologue, I thought. The movie ‘joke’, for me, is way over the top and makes them all look like rank amateurs. All that ruckus before a stealth raid? Might as well sound an air horn. Also, if they’re trying to take them alive, why go in guns blazing?

 

As I mention below, for me , this had the tone of a CSI episode, and US cop shows are ten-a-penny now. It’s not something that I found particularly engaging. I think you’ve got a nice idea with the modernisation of these classic horror characters, but it doesn’t come alive for me in this form.

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, unfair of me as it's a first draft, but I guess that's what critiquing is! I trust you to be a harsh on my stuff

 

--------------------------------------------

 

If there’s no one there, who told Harker where there secret lair was? That comments doesn’t work for me.

 

Doubt a woman would ‘afix’ her hair – ‘arranged’, or better ‘tied’?

 

The sentence ending ‘New Orleans’ is incomplete.

 

We know it’s a BMW, second mention starts to feel like product placement!

 

So far, the level of banter and the immediate introduction of the team and potter descriptions feels like an episode of CSI Transylvania. Sorry, that’s a cheap shot, but I'm not wowed yet. Maybe that’s what you're going for. I'm sure it would find an audience, but not me personally. I finished with US Cop show when David Caruso left NYPD Blue (yes, I'm that old).

 

The Asian height joke is obvious, but I think you could make it work and not come across as homophobic.

 

I think you can drop the ‘pointed to the ground’ comment. The reader should have assumed by now that these are all capable people, and that none of them would load a shotgun with it pointing at a colleague. Also, wouldn't it be loaded already? Perhaps 'a couple more rounds'?

 

I must admit that Troll Market is the first thing that has made me think ‘this sounds interesting’.

 

The Abrams movie thing makes the team come across amateurish. Experienced operatives would be more savvy. There’s a real comedic tone, like verging on broad comedy, that I don’t remember being present in the prologue. This joking really erodes any sense of threat. Again, maybe that’s what you’re going for. For me, the ‘movie’ joke is over-worked. It comes across like a scene from Spy, the Melissa McCarthy movie.

 

Laying out these specific background details of the team is a rather blatant info dump. Because I don’t know the character of these people, I found myself skipping over all these details. I'm not interested in them as people yet. I think it would be much better to drop feed this stuff in as you go along, unless you’re going to be killing them off, in which case the background doesn’t matter.

 

Another thing, all that laughing and joking around is very unprofessional. It’s delaying them in their operation, and they’re all yakking away so much that there must be a risk they will attract attention.

 

There no indication of them taking cover. I'm no expert, but I think that amount of C4 could bring down the building? Or is that Cemtex I'm thinking of? Anyway – they didn’t seem to step back or anything.

 

I like the ‘licence and registration’ line, that’s funny.

 

I don’t understand the threat from the cane. Is it a sword? They could definitely rush the guy before he choked Jason.

 

Seconds before firing is a long time. I think he should say ‘rust’ just as she fires.

[Robinski]

Tracked changes emailed, btw.

 

Also, I meant to say that the Troll Market thing didn't seem to pay-off, but maybe that's a longer line? Still interested to learn what that is.

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Robiniski . . . I was thinking this chapter might need an overhaul, and your comments have all but confirmed that's the case. I'm thirty-some chapters into the book right now, and half of the characters introduced here are superfluous at best. Thanks to your comments, I now know what to expand upon (the Troll Market) and what to completely avoid (the CSI-NCIS-Spy tone). I also appreciate your tracked changes too! 

[Kammererite]

Now I did like the banter in the car. It made me smile while reading and also lighted the mood somewhat.  

I agree with Robinski that the Abrams movie make the team look a little amateurish, but I think it work as your trying to paint Holmwood as an amateur (you are right?)

 

Now I may be new but I disagree with Robinski on the treat of a cane. Someone trained in stickfighting would be a threat and could probably crush your windpipe before you can rush them if they have a sturdy stick your throat. Also you would have to imagine that the vampire hunters would be wary of supernaturals and thus it would make the threat of a stick more deadly.

 

On page 6 when listing the peoples expertise, you mention Sonya full name, rather then either just a first name like Alberto, or Jason, or just a last name like Roxton. This felt weird to me.

 

Page 7: the bad news was her team was still a man short with Holmwood are guard duty

Did you mean on

 

Page 8 : The misshapen thing before them was not ape as....

I think your missing a word here.

 

Page 8. ...before he bounded onto a nearby platform raised to the ground

Did you mean from

 

Page 9. Jason could read the disappointment in her eyes.

We are in Stephanie viewpoint, how can we know what Jason thinks?

 

Page 10. The man twisted around, sidestepping Jason completely, while a blow from his cane disarmed him

I think you need to tweak this slightly as it sounds like the man is disarming himself or rather Jason is disarming the man.

 

Page 10. ....glass exploding in the shards interrupted....

Did you mean into

 

I'll be reading more for sure

[rdpulfer]

Thanks Kammerite! I really like your point on consistency when it comes to first name vs. last names. i was just reading a book over the weekend where i felt that was an issue which took me out of the story. 

[Robinski]

Now I may be new but I disagree with Robinski...

 

Lol - knock yourself out, there's no honeymoon period on here!

 

(Maybe I should change my stern and forbidding profile pic)

Edited July 29, 2015 by Robinski