20130211 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 6

[Mandamon]

Here is chapter 6 of The Seeds of Dissolution, following Sam after he goes through the hole in the fireplace of his house.

Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt.

I'm looking for the same stuff as usual in feedback...thanks!

[AubreyWrites]

So I really like this chapter.

I have a better feel for how origon looks now and I like the way the description of the Nether evolved out of their conversation. I guess that my only issue so far with Sam is how quickly he gets over being freaked out. He hasn't been out of the house (so im guessing not around a whole lot of other people) in a long time and then BAM He gets sucked into a portal, his aunt is dead, and a freaky looking humanoid that drips colors and can do what looks like magic confronts him, then he is told he can do possibly the same thing.....and then finds out he isn't even on his planet anymore....and he thinks maybe he is in California? I admit when we are freaked the mind jumps to weird places but he just seems to get over it and accept it pretty quickly.

Is he just still in shock? If so maybe make that a little bit clearer that while he is taking everything in (and thus giving us the reader a chance to see your alternative reality through human eyes) that he isn't really processing it.

If he is processing it wouldn't he as as a regular person be reacting to what is happening to him -not to mention maybe some overreaction considering his hermit like life style of late? I can just imagine the physical reaction his body would be having when all of this is dumped on him at once. I am pretty sure I would be hyperventilating in the very least. And yet he is able to almost immediately start a fairly coherent conversation with an alien.

When brings me to my second question. Sam just entered another world and is speaking to an alien. How in the world are they having a conversation? How would they understand one another? Tiny microbes like in Farscape? Whatever it is, you don't have to give us the whole enchilada for how you have worked it out right this minute but hang a lantern on the question at least. Maybe Sam wonders the same thing as he tries to process what is going on?

And yes, I gave this some thought and I really do like the idea of Sam's entrance into the storyline being the first thing we see. Even if it does set some readers up to expect urban fantasy it is still an easier adjustment to go from "I thought this was urban fantasy" to " oh ok, broader scale" than it is to go from "alternate alien reality" back to "present day America." I think at this point Sam is the most relatable character because he is the most familiar to us. You need a good hook to get us invested early into the story and Sam provides that along with the action in his first sequence. Origon while still a very intriguing character, is a weaker hook because there is such a steep learning curve in becoming familiar with him and his surroundings. I think you would lose less readers if they can get invested immediately instead of processing the learning curve right off the bat.

While your style of writing is very easy to follow and keeps me engaged I am also a fairly hardcore scifi/fantasy fan and am willing to wade through the curve because I know it will eventually ease up as I get more familiar with the world. Some readers may not be willing to do that unless they have a character they can connect with immediately - and between Sam and Origon (at this point so early on in the story) Sam is probably going to win with most people.

Just my thoughts. Great chapter. I am looking forward to more!

Edited February 13, 2013 by AubreyWrites

[yankorro]

Hello there--

This is my first critique in this group so bear with me, I will try to be clear and concise while still hitting what I think are the main points.

I haven't read the first part of this book, so I'm not familiar with the characters. Fortunately, this chapter gives me most if not all the information i need to be able to make sense of it. Basically we have a typical "Joe Normal taken to some strange and magical locale by a wise mentor" scenario, and the scene is structured well enough as a dialogue that it avoids any blatant info-dumping. As AubreyWrites mentioned, the learning curve is there, but it's not too steep, plus we're promised that more information will be forthcoming when they arrive to the Council.

I agree though that perhaps Sam ought to be freaking out a bit more and bit longer than he does here. I suppose maybe he is in a state of shock, rather than panicky and hyperventilating? In either case, I would suggest letting that sort of color his perception more...or even dampen his perception. He seems to be seeing everything around him in such vivid detail (which helps you as a writer to paint the pictures on the page), but I'd find it maybe a bit more believable if I got a sense of his mental state from the descriptions of what he sees and how he sees it. For example when he says Origon is "six and a half feet tall, if Sam judged correctly"--I'm not sure I would be in any state to "judge" anything if I were in his shoes. Maybe just says he was "tall, thin, and imposing" or whatever and leave it at that. You could be less descriptive and more evocative that way.

Prose-wise, I think this chapter might be a little "tell"-y in spots for example. "He made a move to go, and Sam realized he would be alone in this strange place in the Kirian went". Why not, "He made a move to go. 'Wait,' said Sam, 'you can't leave me here alone, I don't know where I am. Help me" etc. or something like that. A lot of the narrative asides in the dialogue could be folded into the dialogue like that.

And, I know it's sort of a truism for us amateur writers, but I'll go ahead and point out that you could be a little more judicious with the -ly adverbs. But I'm sure you would go after those in revision without me having to tell you

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens to Sam and his friend the bird-man

~NMW

[Syme]

This is another strong chapter. I like the way Origon reacts in this chapter.

I agree with the others that Sam's reaction were a bit subdued, but this didn't really bother me while reading, only something I noticed afterward. So at least for me that part fell into willing suspension of disbelief.

What did stretch my disbelief a lot more is that apparently people from this alien civilization that doesn't seem to have any connection to Earth speak modern day English. Maybe you'll provide some explanation of that later, but it did pull me out of the story.

I also found it a bit too convenient that Sam gets pulled through a portal into a another world and just happens to pop out right next to the book's other POV character. Maybe there's a good in-universe explanation for that, but it does make me a bit weary.

Aside from these criticisms, this is a solid chapter and I look forward to finding out what happens next.

[Mandamon]

Thanks all for the feedback!

So it sounds like there's two major complaints. First, the translation problem. This is fully addressed right at the beginning of the next chapter, when it finally occurs to Sam that he shouldn't be able to communicate. I guess it's good this is occuring to everyone at the same time. Maybe I need to bring it back to this chapter, but I was addressing what I thought would be more important topics to Sam first, e.g. how to get back home and back to normality. Plus, I was imagining he would be in a state of disbelief/shock and so wouldn't really be thinking about it.

This leads into the other complaint--Sam's reaction. In the first draft he reacted more, and for longer, and I got alpha reader reactions for him to just get over it and get on with the story. Seems like I've dialed it back too much.

I've done some thinking about this as well. Given how much we've explored the concept of alien first contact, I think some of the novelty has worn off, both describing it in a story, and if it actually happened to someone familiar with SF/Fantasy tropes (which is pretty much everyone who watches action movies). We as a society have some mental picture of what it's like to meet an alien, even if it hasn't happened yet. Is it better to explore the concept again, or leave it as a sort of suspenson of disbelief like Syme says? Regardless, I think I need to add more emphasis, but I don't want to put too much in and take away from the true intent.

Aubrey - thanks for the thoughts on Sam as the starting point. I'll have to think about this more when I do the first major edit.

NM - I agree with you on the "ly" adverbs. Yes, some of those will go in the first edit. Also thanks for the show/tell points. I'lll look out for those. If you do care/want to catch up to the rest, send me a PM with your email and I'll send the first 5 chapters.

Syme - on convenience, it might help to think of it this way: Sam pops out next to Origon by accident...but the story follows Origon's previous actions up to that accident, thus making him another POV character. But yes, they're both involved with Drains, so maybe that's a little too convenient--that's what you get with a hero's journey

Thanks again!

[cjhuitt]

My original comments when reading this chapter have been supplanted and mostly addressed in your rewrite.  I just wanted to say that it is nice to see Sam and Origon meet, and though it seems little of major import happens in scene in the chapter, the reader is getting a lot of (what I assume are) clues for the rest of the story.