20130204 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 5

[Mandamon]

Here is chapter 5 of The Seeds of Dissolution, in which a new POV is introduced. Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange abberation that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.

As always, I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, pacing, strange language, and learning curve (not much of the last two this week). Grammar and nitpicky edits I'm not as interested in as this is a rough draft.

[Syme]

I like pretty much everything about this chapter.

Sam seems like an interesting and likeable character from what I've seen so far. The whole orphan as protagonist thing is maybe a bit clichéd, but I don't really mind it (and I'm not entirely innocent of this either ).

The pacing was good. You took time for adequate descriptions, but never went overboard with them.

The only thing that worries me a bit here is that it comes a bit out of the blue. I was expecting this to be a secondary world fantasy (or slipstream or whatever), so I'm a bit surprised to see this chapter being set in what seems like the real world.

(And another thing that worries me a bit is that I seem to be using the words "a bit" a bit too much in this critique.)

Hope to read more next week.

[Mandamon]

The only thing that worries me a bit here is that it comes a bit out of the blue. I was expecting this to be a secondary world fantasy (or slipstream or whatever), so I'm a bit surprised to see this chapter being set in what seems like the real world.

(And another thing that worries me a bit is that I seem to be using the words "a bit" a bit too much in this critique.)

Hope to read more next week.

This is the reaction I'm looking for (a bit). I said in another post that this book is a "Fantasy Space Opera." This will certainly tie in with the next few chapters and is part of the main story.

[AubreyWrites]

I will admit I was a little puzzled at the jump to real world but the writing kept me engaged and your characters seem well developed- even aunt Martha's cameo.

The only thing that gave me pause was at the very beginning. You mention that Sam's room is full of mementos and that every year he seems to gather more. Then however you make it clear that Sam hasn't left the house in years. How is he gathering these mementos then? It's obvious aunt Martha is not bringing them to him because she has already threatened to throw a bunch of stuff away......

Otherwise I found Sam very engaging and am interested in both his backstory and what is happening right now.

I really like your style thus far.

[Mandamon]

The only thing that gave me pause was at the very beginning. You mention that Sam's room is full of mementos and that every year he seems to gather more. Then however you make it clear that Sam hasn't left the house in years. How is he gathering these mementos then? It's obvious aunt Martha is not bringing them to him because she has already threatened to throw a bunch of stuff away......

Hmmm...fair point. Would you accept eBay?

I'll have to look at that in the edit.

[Syme]

I don't see this as a problem. Presumably he just got the books delivered to him. I haven't bought a book for myself from a bookstore in years.

[AubreyWrites]

so i have been thinking more and more about this chapter. I think you should consider moving this to the front of the story. Here's my reason why.

It will make the learning curve less steep. It is easier to go from "normal reality that starts going weird" than from "weird reality abruptly going back to normal"

in the beginning of your story we start off in a very alien palce with alien things going on- and that's ok if we're going to stay there because we will eventually learn enough about the place and start getting comfortable with it. but when you abruptly switch back to what seems like a "normal reality" it kinda gives the reader mental whiplash. we spend too much time trying to figure out what just happened and 'am i reading the same story' instead of investing in the scene.

If you flip flop it for some reason it's easier to accept that "oh i thought this was a normal reality but i guess there's more to it"

It feels like we are going to see Sam again at the end of this chapter so i don't think it would be too much of a jump to realize that he will be back -even if it's a few chapters from now.

Also your little blurb at the top about using power and then going "tone deaf" for a while actually makes sense would help us in learning your magic system because it makes it clear that it's based on a sort of universal music/vibration thing.

he heard a plunk of a bass string snapping in his head, shattering into a thousand harmonious notes.

Knowing this going into the story would probably have helped me with the learning curve during Origon's PoV since there was so much else to take in as well.

Just my thoughts.

Edited February 5, 2013 by AubreyWrites

[Syme]

I disagree with Aubrey there. I don't think it would be good to put this as chapter one as that would give readers the wrong impression. Based on this chapter, the reader would probably be expecting an urban fantasy of some sort. I think leading with the secondary world is indeed the correct move here.

On a related note, I also have a sneaking suspicion that the supernatural stuff in this chapter was somehow caused by the Drain.

[Mandamon]

so i have been thinking more and more about this chapter. I think you should consider moving this to the front of the story

Very interesting you say this. In the previous four or so incarnations, this was always the beginning of the story. I switched it around this time to get a first taste for the fantasy world and the magic. Of course, then I ended up with four chapters of introduction.

As a point of interest, when I get the next chapter posted, see if you would still want this to be the first chapter if the other four were in between this one and the 6th...

...Syme--you must have been posting when I was. Thanks for the second opinion. That's basically why I changed it. Yeah...you're on the right track. Tune in next week!

Edited February 5, 2013 by Mandamon

[cjhuitt]

I had some time on vacation to catch up on a few things, so I'll deluge you with (somewhat old) critique.

 

Jumping to South Carolina in our own world is a bit of a shock when so much of the story (4 chapters so far, some 16k-20k words?) has been so fantastical.  Even the epigraph is fantastical.  My suspension of disbelief took a hit with the mention of magazines (and toys, but especially magazines), and then flew right out the window when placed in Charlestown.  One possible fix: a prologue similar to Dan Well’s Ice-Monster prologue, in which something fantastical is shown to happen somewhere positively identified as our world.  Then the other stuff can happen and it won’t be so shocking when we get back to our world and apparently normal activities.  (Note: I say this without reading any more of what happens in the chapter/book, so I don’t know how possible the prologue idea is.)  I'll agree with the others that the risk is there to set the stage for an urban fantasy, but if is is brief and immediately goes into the other chapters it might work.  I don't think this chapter in particular would work as well at the beginning.

 

Also, the list of things Sam keeps in the boxes in his room is very generic.  Get specific, and we can have a better idea of who Sam is.  Also, I was expecting Sam to be a lot younger from the way he talked about his aunt letting him help.  10-12, maybe, not graduated from H.S. and headed to college.

 

Likewise a lot of the setup.  Sam is thinking various things that give us a bit of backstory on him, but they are mostly generic (he read “a book”); perhaps worse, it is all internal with nothing really happening while he reminisces.  Of course, the chapter really starts to get going when it gets cold out, but by then I had almost given up on Sam and whatever it was he was doing.