5/11/2015 - Mr. Wednesday - Mystic's Haven Ch. 2 (L)

[Mr. Wednesday]

Despite losing her parents in a grisly double homicide at the age of 16, Julia Campbell has managed to create a life for herself that is, by all accounts, normal. She has a beautiful house in the suburbs, a budding career as a music professor, and a husband who adores her. It is only after she attends the funeral of her beloved psychiatrist and mentor, Dr. Foster, that she begins to realize that her grief may not be completely behind her. 

 

After the funeral, Julia shows her husband Christopher a sketchbook filled with drawings that she did in order to help her cope with parents’ murders. They all focus on a single theme: the circus. She explains that on the night her parents were killed, the three of them attended a circus in downtown Boston. In the wake of the horrors that followed, the mystical images she had witnessed in the Big Top would come to represent the final moments of her childhood. She has clung to them desperately and built upon them over the years, crafting a world within the pages of her sketchbook that is entirely her own, a safe haven where she can escape her grief. Christopher notices that the sketchbook bears the name Molly Hayes, and Julia confesses to him that her birth name was in fact Molly, and that she changed it in an attempt to start anew. Chapter 2 begins four years after Dr. Foster's funeral.

[Mandamon]

pg 2: Slinked.  Slunk?  I'm never sure which is correct.

 

pg 4: Julia seems not to have much to do.  She lies in bed most of the morning, and then watches a little boy for hours.  Not very conducive to sanity.

 

 

Again, this was very well written, and Julia's character is well defined.  Her depression is obvious, but I question the time scale a little. It's been four years since Dr. Foster died, but she's just now losing jobs?  I was unclear on whether she had taught in between, or if she hadn't played any music since the funeral.  I wouldn't think she could hold on to a leave of absence for four years.

 

Even though the subject is not very exciting, and in fact depressing, the prose still pulls me in and keeps me reading.  I'm hoping something will happen soon to pull her out of it.

 

Looking forward to next time!

[Mr. Wednesday]

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon! I'm beginning to realize that my problem is really that first chapter. It sets certain expectations that I did not intend to set. I know that I'm not supposed to explain my writing, but just so that it's not overly confusing going forward, I would like to bend the rules and explain a few things.

 

The plot points I wanted to establish in chapter 1 are Julia's name change, the existence of the notebook and her obsession with the circus, and how influential Dr. Foster was after the death of her parents. When we jump ahead four years, it is supposed to be clear that something has happened to Julia that has derailed her, but we are not supposed to know what that is. The events of the preceding four years are revealed gradually throughout the book. I realize now that by opening with a funeral, I imply that Dr. Foster's death is the reason for her depression, but that is not be the case. I liked opening with the funeral because it allowed me to foreshadow events that come later in the book, but it looks now as if it's just too confusing. I might just cut the funeral scene in the beginning and come up with a different way to introduce the name change and the sketchbook. The story really revolves around Julia's fascination with the circus and her relationship with Jeffrey, the little boy next door.

[Mandamon]

Yes, I certainly thought she was depressed because of Dr. Foster's death, and I was also wondering that she was still depressed after four years, but figured he was a father figure.

 

If those few point are the only ones you want to make with the prologue, it might be better to include them gradually in the main story.  I don't think there was any mention of the circus in the first chapter, which also threw my perceptions off some.

[rdpulfer]

I thought it was only appropriate to critique Mr. Wednesday on a Wednesday.

 

- Four years is a significant time jump between chapters. You could make Chapter One your prologue, but I kinda agree with Mandamon that it might be better just to include them in the story gradually. Maybe your prologue (if you don't already have one that I missed is a view of the sixteen year old Molly, and Chapter One starts one massive time jump later.

 

- I really like your prose, as has been pointed out already. I like that how the mother's voice "sags" under a Boston accent and Bourbon. Good imagery.

 

- Be sure to split your paragraphs up. Page Four is one long paragraph while spills on from the next page. This will also keep the reader more engaged.

 

- The quick POV change to Jeffrey seemed a lot out of place, You might consider just putting it inside it's own section just so the reader isn't confused. 

 

- I liked the last line about Julia feeling responsibility for Jeffrey even if she has failed in her responsibilities to everyone else. 

 

- Overall, it's a good chapter, and really does an effective job laying out the misery of the main character's existence. I just hope we see some sort of incident soon which kicks the story off. 

[Mr. Wednesday]

Thanks for the comments @rdpulfer! I think the story would better overall if I started with a short prologue and then made what is now chapter 2 into chapter 1. Julia being listless and depressed and developing a motherly fascination for Jeffrey is one of the central conflicts of the story. I think the general consensus is that the sooner I get to that, the better. 

 

The POV shift has always troubled me, and I'll probably just end up cutting it. I wrote this chapter before I fully understood POV, and I fell into the trap of thinking "cinematically", which is a trap I think we all fall into from time to time. I liked the idea of "panning out" and showing Jeffrey at the end of the section, but I agree that it is a bit out of place.

 

The next chapter begins with Molly (hence the need to establish the name change early on) wandering through what we soon realize is a dream world, which establishes our second major story arc. The book essentially has two stories that run parallel to one another and (spoiler alert) ultimately converge at the end. The first is the story of Julia and Jeffrey, and the second is of Molly making her way through an Oz-like fantasy world where she is being hunted by gypsies and carnival freaks. 

Edited May 13, 2015 by Mr. Wednesday

[supersoup]

First off, wow. The scene with the kid at the beginning feels very real to me. I've seen those types of households, up close, and I could feel Jeffrey's pain acutely. Not to mention your explanation toward the end of the chapter, which was a brilliant move to shed some light on the mother's pain in turn. And finding an escape with the fantasy cards plucked at my heartstrings even more. That's why we write, isn't it? We build worlds and characters with problems we all share to work them out on a grand scale, sometimes with wizards, wars, and gallant heroes. "Knights and heroes don't leave their family behind. And they aren't scared of witches." That whole scene was very powerful for me.

 

Your prose is very easy for me to read. There are some minor things I could mention, but nothing that I'm not confident you won't catch in the next draft, and they don't take me out of the story.

 

I was a little bewildered by the time jump as well. Perhaps making it clearer that Dr. Foster is still fresh on her mind, or perhaps describing how her depression has morphed over time. It does seem a bit odd that she would still be this deeply sad so many years after, even given her relationship with him. Maybe if you spend some more time building up the bond they shared . . . But I digress.

 

Having been in a similar situation to Julia, I'm really curious to see if she lets impulsiveness get the better of her, and if she tries to defend Jeffrey more directly.

 

However, all of that said, I'm a little perplexed as to how this will fit into the overarching story. I think I can see some connections between the major hooks in the first chapter, but it's all a bit vague. One of the perils of the serial format, I suppose. I am eager to read more, though. Please carry on!

[Robinski]

Good job, nice writing style, engaging, not flashy, just keeps the reader reading, I thought. I'm still engaged with the story. I don't mind a slow build, but hoping to see a bit more on the table next time, continuing to build mystery and tension. Detailed comments below.

------------------

The drunken Boston mother seems a bit heavy-handed to me.

For me, there's some awkward phrasing in the description in the garden.

The description of Chris going to work, to me, almost seemed critical, which would be very harsh. She however doesn't seem to work much, so far.

Having commented as I do about Mrs. Pickett, I do like the atmosphere that you create, and get a good sense of the silence following her departure.

She seems to be aware of a lot of detail about the boy's mumbling (which I presume it to be). Can she really hear him well enough, or see sufficiently what he is looking at (the cards). My hand I so the phone, where I keep the POV Police on speed-dial. (Commander Mandamon is usually on duty, I'll be interested to read if he had a similar reaction.

Also, Julia seems to spend an inordinate amount of time observing the boy. Does she ever do any work?

Nice parallel between the cards and the sketches.

Okay, I just lost a fair proportion of any remaining sympathy that I had for Julia. Chris makes their meal in the evening after coming more exhausted!? Hmm, she need to get over herself. Not as a person, I understand that people have psychological issues around loss, but as a character, who I am losing sympathy with. I realise you are no doubt aiming to engender some of these feelings. It's working!

The switch to Jeffrey's pov was a bit jarring.

"she felt a strong sense of protectiveness and responsibility" I don't buy this. I don't see how she could stand by and not intervene in that situation. I'm not saying she would jump over the fence, but she could phone social services anonymously, or speak to the kid when his mother's away. Today, he was crying and bleeding and she did nothing but watch.

Hmm. I was interrupted and had to come back to finish my critique. I reread the last paragraph or two. Maybe I should read it another way. She wants to be that person, to care that much, but only from her comfortable distance, with a physical barrier between her and Jeffrey. I'm now thinking that she is deceiving herself. She wants to do what she describes but isn't actually able to make the requisite commitment to it.

I remain intrigued in the story, but I'm starting to lose some sympathy with Julia. As far as introducing fantastical elements, you've dropped some nice hints so far, and I'm presuming that that side of things will continue to build. I'm hoping that the stakes will be up'd in that read in the next submission.

[Robinski]

pg 2: Slinked. Slunk? I'm never sure which is correct.

pg 4: Julia seems not to have much to do. She lies in bed most of the morning, and then watches a little boy for hours. Not very conducive to sanity.

Again, this was very well written, and Julia's character is well defined. Her depression is obvious, but I question the time scale a little. It's been four years since Dr. Foster died, but she's just now losing jobs? I was unclear on whether she had taught in between, or if she hadn't played any music since the funeral. I wouldn't think she could hold on to a leave of absence for four years.

Even though the subject is not very exciting, and in fact depressing, the prose still pulls me in and keeps me reading. I'm hoping something will happen soon to pull her out of it.

Reading through the other comments now, I'd like to revise mine to those in the box above. Mandamon, it must get tiring being spot on all the time.

p.s. slunk - all day long

Edited May 14, 2015 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Every once in a while, I try to be horribly wrong, just for a change... ;-)

[Robinski]

: o )

[Mr. Wednesday]

Thanks Robinski!

 

As I'm sure you can gather from the conversations above, I am readily admitting defeat as far as the first chapter is concerned. I'm thinking of replacing it with a shorter prologue that outlines the sketchbook and the name change, while nixing the funeral entirely. My question to all of you is this:

 

If I eliminate the funeral and instead have a short prologue that introduces the circus imagery (which I still believe is crucial), and then go straight into the backyard scene with Julia and Jeffrey, will it help clear up some of the confusion and time lapse issues? The first big hook/question in the story should be "what's wrong with Julia?" and I realize now that the funeral provides a false answer to that question.

[Robinski]

Personally, it wasn't the components for me, it was more the balance. Cutting down the funeral would be no bad thing, but I don't see the need to cut it entirely. Also, you could flag the time difference better without changing it wholesale, IMHO.

[Majestic Fox]

There's some good writing here, and suggestions of a compelling story to come. Most of all, I'm intrigued by the relationship between Julia and Jeffrey. Looking forward to when they interact.

 

I understand we're supposed to stay descriptive in our feedback. I find this difficult. Let me know if you'd prefer me to refrain from expressing what I feel is missing. Here we go...

 

The first thing that hit me was the sense of intimacy the story conjured. I like that Julia and the boy seem to have an unspoken connection. This has power.

 

His violent outburst was nothing new. It was just one of the routines with which Julia had become quite familiar in the past few weeks, one of which she alone seemed to be aware.  

This somewhat removed ‘tell’ (as opposed to show) pulled me out of the intimacy you had created. The following paragraphs continue to skirt over the boy’s habits at a distance. I began to loose interest then. It came back when you started to get specific about the cards. Personally, I would have been gripped if this part had delved into the moment with vivid description of what’s going on in the present, especially the unspoken relationship between Julia and Jeffrey. You can sense it. It’s a power beneath the surface. I want to be pulled in. 

 

He would mutter to himself constantly about the different ranks and powers listed on each card in the deck.

For some reason, this draws me into deeper empathy with him. In fact right now my empathy is stronger for him than it is for Julia. Granted, I did miss chapter one, but this is something to be aware of. I think you can balance it by showing some subtle emotional reactions in Julia – something to show us she cares about him.

 

The need to escape was a feeling Julia knew all too well.

The preceding sentence already told me this, and it did in a way that invited my imagination. This is the kind of redundancy that you’ll catch on a future revision, but I wanted to point it out because for me your story is so much more powerful when it’s leaving the subtext underground.

 

What? Nothing happens with her and boy? I was looking forward to some kind of internal shift or subtle interaction. Oh, well. She’s looking at her piano now. Reading on...

 

The colorful collection of travel labels and clever bumper stickers that had decorated the case since she was a teenager were now faded and torn, their words obscured by dust.

Nice. Atmospheric, emotionally charged description of the physical world around her. More of this please.

 

She made her way up the stairs and into the bedroom, intent on sleeping away the remaining hours until Christopher came home.

She’s very passive. I get the sense that she’s trying to hide from herself – sleep to numb the pain. But there’s no indication of what she’s feeling. You conjured quite a powerful atmosphere of nostalgia and I want her reaction to that. I want to know how she feels. A single thought, action or physical gesture will do. 

 

The part where she’s reading and deleting her messages is great. She’s not being passive any more – she’s pushing the real world away with force. You can build on this in the sentences after she’s deleted the last message. Here’s a time to crack upon the moment, not skirt over things that happened in the past. How does she react to being fired? Turn the radio on? Pop a sleeping pill? 

 

She had tried to sit down at the piano once a few weeks ago but as her fingers brushed up against the keys she erupted in tears, shutting the lid with an aggressive BOOM that had made the strings quiver and drone.

This is the kind of thing I’d like to see her do in story’s present. Too much is skirted over in the past.  More show, less tell.

 

Its severance was gentle, quick, and long anticipated.

I like this line. The choice of using the word ‘gentle’ here gives me confidence in the your ability to tune into the more subtle dimensions of human experience – an essential skill for a story like this. 

 

Hmm… kind of strange that we've switched POV to Jeffrey right at the end of Julia’s sequence. 

 

She suddenly felt a pang of nostalgia for the days when he would cook for her and she would excitedly await whatever mouth-watering new recipe he had decided to try. She pined for those days because at this moment, however beautiful the food on the plate was, and regardless of how much love she knew had gone into it, she knew that her deadened appetite would allow her to eat only a few bites. 

I challenge you to convey all of this in a single line. 

 

 

She took another sip of wine and felt the warmth of the alcohol blossom in her chest.

Another good line here. I like the contrast you’re creating between her cold emotional state and the warmth of the drink. This is good writing. 

 

Hmm, I don’t feel gripped by what they’re talking about. There’s nothing really new going on here that we didn’t already witness first hand. As a reader, I can sense my desire for the story to accelerate forward now. Too much reflection has me beginning to feel bogged down in the past.

 

She wanted to be his guardian angel, watching silently from the garden but somehow shielding him from the pain that circled him on all sides.

This is exactly what I want to experience her doing.