supersoup

Thanks for your feedback, to the both of you! I started writing this story with the intent of exploring one of my characters for NaNoWriMo. Just to get into his head and his world for about fifteen minutes and see what happened. So in a way, it is a part of a larger story, but I'm not planning on carrying on right from the end of this one. In the writing, I found some stuff I had fun exploring, and realized it could become a standalone tale with a bit of trim and polish. I don't know how to SPOILER tag anything here, so . . . Ched is absolutely a hallucination. No comment to the second part. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading. And sure, he could have gotten away using a tunnel or some such, but where's the fun in that? SPOILER . . . Haha, I'm glad you caught it! I've had some fun conversations with friends and family reading this, notably my best friend saying "Of course he was a hallucination" and my wife giving me a blank look, followed by a "Wait, seriously?" I'm pretty satisfied with the split. I like your speculation on the figurine! Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading.

How's it going! This is a short story that I hope to polish up and shop around to fantasy fiction magazines. What I'm looking for at the moment is less structural feedback (word choice, grammar, sentence structure, etc.) and more functional feedback (was it enjoyable, did it make sense, were the emotional beats effective, and word choice only if a poorly chosen word gave you pause and took you out of the narrative) because I plan to pass it by an editor before I start sending it out. Thanks for your time! I hope you enjoy. Mitch

If there's a spot left for Monday, I don the Mantle of Lowest Priority and cautiously offer a 1700 word short story.

I think it's time to close the door on Glass Skies and just write. There are so many scenes that I need to retool that I would essentially have to start over again to make sure people don't get lost. I'm very thankful for all the feedback and general poking and prodding that lead me to these realizations, and rest assured they won't go to waste. Setting Glass Skies aside, I will be submitting some short stories for review as soon as I finish them. Just not this week. I have woven a new Mantle from the fibrous silk of a dark Nestiling spider, which I have imbued with the aura of Temporary Suspension. Now I don it, and offer that others may use it as necessary.

Shouldn't have pawned the Mantle

Haha, I didn't even notice the thing about the name vs. the title until you pointed it out. I'll take note of that. Neren'tev is certainly a blend of religion and how it can be used for gain on a wider scale. Almost a cult, really. Yeah, and cutting that last paragraph may be necessary to retool a plot line I have simmering on the backburner for now. I just hope that it doesn't seem the king is thinking about Lianye too much. But, her plot and how it ties to the king will be an integral part of the story. Ah, something else I simply didn't notice. I really should give the tavern a name. Far less awkward to reference. She never meant to stay more than one night. Lianye is wise enough to know thel onger you stay in one place, especially when that place is in hostile territory, you run the risk of having a trap laid around you. She ignored the little voice that told her to change hideouts in favor of seemingly innocuous and familiar surroundings. I do have Lianye introduce the idea that magic is in the world with the prologue, but I'm deliberately vague on the specifics. I have a rudimentary set of rules of how it functions, but most of those won't come into play until later. Another issue I had with all my rewrites of this batch of scenes in weaving Devoleane's scene in and out at appropriate times. Something I'll have to hit in the next draft, I suppose. I try not to make too great of leaps in logic, but another prereader voiced her confusion that Lianye would hide from Rend. In my mind, she's scared, and clearly she's not as safe as she thought. Only two people truly knew her at the tavern, though the King's Arms and their informants know where she is through other means. As I sit here and try to explain it, I can feel it falling apart further than I expected. I'll likely retool that to have them escape the tavern together in a future draft, but they will end up at the same place by chapter's end. More of a city response to the flames could add another measure of excitement to their escape. I think that's worth investigating, as it's clearly something I hadn't considered. I often miss the simple things, and the more human, obvious reactions to something like a fire. Song has been mentioned before, but only briefly. It will play a greater role moving forward, though I'm determined to be responsible with it's usage. Nothing can yank a reader out of a book like magic poorly used, and I hope to avoid that issue. Thank you for your feedback Mandamon! =) Sorry for the late reply, been dealing with a lot.

Glass Skies Ch. 3 summary: King Belisefe Driganeen inspects a newly opened factory in the city, and has a secret meeting within with Taelmera, head of the King's Arms. He's pleased, but disappointed to note corruption already present, and ponders how to differentiate his own legacy from that of his father--most of his reign has been characterized by fulfilling the promises of his forebears. Lianye and Rendevere gather information from the common folk in the merchant's square of Laendelvae, where they learn of a grand ball where they may see to the next steps of the plan. They begin to work out the details of how to infiltrate the ball, given that Lianye is likely to be recognized there--though Rendevere may move about freely, he doesn't have enough influence to "play the game". Lianye reveals to Rendevere that she has returned to the city in the hopes of wresting the throng from King Driganeen. Devoleane steals an experimental formula from Master Yvole's office while "the old man is out on errands", dragging Pendiwille into his caper. Dev hopes that by solving the formula for the headmaster, he could perhaps earn a spot on the expedition for himself and perhaps even his friend. Yvole returns sooner than expected, sending the two into a mad rush to return the formula before they are discovered. As they are shocked to find out, a King's Arm had been waiting in Yvole's office, and confronts them with what she saw. Devoleane stays behind to receive his punishment. Enter Ch. 4, in which the king meets with a tevretor, Devoleane is given an opportunity for redemption, and assassins make a move. EDIT: Yes, I already caught the misspelled "vaulted" and more since I sent it off. I've written and rewritten these scenes so many times I lost count. It was all I could do to remind myself that it's a first Draft and let go so I could move on. Some little sloppy bits got through my net as a result. Sorry about that. Fun Fact: The two schools of Song, Harmonic and Dissonant, essentially break down to two basic concepts. Harmonic Song is driven by Invitation, while Dissonant Song is driven by Demand. Song use is limited by one's ability to memorize the different Songs, and whether one is able to breathe or otherwise vocalize them.

I love the way you open so simply--"Myr raised the whisky glass to his lips, studying his work."--and yet it's so effective. It's my favorite way to begin a section. You offer a character, performing an action, and even without supplementary details, I already have a good setup of the scene. The imagery with the painting is awesome. My father used to paint, so it ties into old, dusty memories of mine to immediately endear me to Myr. I had the same question about the man's muffled voice, as though through cotton. Are we talking about Myr or the AI? The idea of an artificial eye to help retain images and colors for painting later is a good blend of sci-fi tech and practical, everyday use. The blending of details outside his dream into the tail end of it was a great segue. Dang, I'm really enjoying this side of your story. Looking forward to what happens to Myr--his section is really well written, and it's hard to pull myself away to jot down comments here. I hope he gets his revenge. Ah, using his dream paintings and events to pull memories for their own use, that's a novel twist I didn't see coming, even after he awoke to the real world. Or is it the real world, I wonder. Inception? So he's a hitman. An antihero, perhaps? Chaotic Good? I'm really enjoying your story. Curious how Myr's tale ties into the rest of the war, but looking forward to RAFO!

I do need someone to keep my self-deprecation in check I'm on for next Monday!

Yeah, the brain is brilliant at that. Good luck with your current project by the way, whatever it may be! And fantasy is a genre that's been thoroughly explored it seems since Tolkien's era. Hard to really surprise yourself or your readers. Brandon does it brilliantly, and is my patron saint of thinking outside the box and following the "rule of awesome". It's a struggle, especially for someone so young in his writing career, but I figure if I don't stretch myself I'll never grow, so here I am. I do appreciate your comment on it though. I don't want to distract my readers or come off as a two-bit copycat, so if it becomes something that detracts from the narrative then I'll have no choice but to change the name. Of course! I do love to wax poetic. =)

Dang, so it's writ in law that they don't have to give you hours. It might as well be so over here. Yeah, I'm experiencing that at the moment with the drive to write fiction after writing articles and copy. I'm a gamer as well, so I'm kind of getting stir crazy behind the screen now that I work here too =P Maybe there's some merit to buying a typewriter . . . Or at least taking a pen and a notepad to a coffee shop or something. I'm beginning to see why that hasn't been phased out in favor of computer driven word processing.

Haha, ok--story time! When I'm writing, I have a MIGHTY NEED to be original. At the very least, unique. Any time I come up with a character name, or location, or organization, I will Google it to see if it crops up anywhere else. When drawing upon my biggest influences as a writer to help craft a character or other story bit, I will always do my very best to take it and make it mine. If it's immediately recognizable without intimate knowledge of my inspirations as a writer, then I step back and retool until I own it. Like they said in Writing Excuses, "good artists borrow, great artists steal", but I'm going to do my darndest to really spin it and make it something special. I must take a moment to mention that I have never read GoT personally, nor seen the show. I know it by reputation alone, as better-read friends and family members often share how much they love the series. I don't discuss it with them, for what it's worth, other than nodding and saying "Oh yeah! I'll have to read that. Adding it to my backlog." Anyways, so I--of my own accord, mind you--said "King's Hand sounds like an awesome name for this shadowy, clandestine group I want to use". Well, guess what turned up on Google? So I said "Gah, whatever . . . I still like the King tag" (which was important to me after shifting from an Emperor to a King for some reason) "And I guess King's Arm sounds fairly reasonable". Any similarities in characterization are literally and honestly entirely coincidental, as I have no actual experience with the source material. So that's why I will continue to see it as a compliment, thank you very much! ;P Another interesting story in the same vein: (Call it Story-time Friday) Like I mentioned in the fun fact for the first chapter, I've been developing this story for years. It has become its own entity, assimilating ideas and concepts from so many of my ideas stretching all the way back to 2008, though I didn't begin work in earnest until 2012. Fun Fact: I started working on it in earnest in 2012 to develop it into a homebrew tabletop RPG campaign for my gaming group. In my earliest iteration, which was prior to reading Mistborn and only just after reading the first Sanderson book I had ever read (Elantris), the primary antagonist was an all-powerful Emperor (I've always liked Empires and Emperors in my fiction/playing Civilization or Spore or what have you). This all-powerful Emperor was secretly a user of the magic system, Song, which he planned to dominate the populace with. Originally, Song had a few different attributes, namely that Shades, or other creatures of Dissonant Song (chaotic magic) could poison someone's soul. One major symptom of this would be that they would see color drained from the world around them. Users of Harmonic Song (magic of order) would still appear to be in color to a poisoned individual, and would emit a light that gave color to the world around them. Ready for the kicker? I had limited Song use to be powered by what I dubbed Breath, which had to be obtained by drinking what amounted to mana potions from a particular, magical well. And the very best part--I still have not read Warbreaker. My wife has, and after sharing my idea with her, she said "Wow, all that stuff about Breath and color . . . " I've come to terms with the idea that I am the least original writer to have graced this earth. As long as I can give something my own unique spin, then I will be able to rest easy XD

At the moment, I write articles on everything from gaming to beards. I just finished a contract for copywriting about a month ago, and would be interested in doing it again. I would say writing is just a major part of what I do, as I try to supplement it with a more reliable part-time job as well, but my last part-timer cut hours hard, essentially cutting me without a formal termination. So I'm shopping around at the moment for an alternative.

I'm stepping away this week, as I have a lot of retooling to do with one of my subplots coming up in the next few chapters, and lots of dayjob writing to sort out.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment! I really appreciate your feedback =) Robinski-- I agree with your perspective that Lianye and Rend's story needs pepping. However, I also hope that ultimately, their story will be interesting in Act 1 because of the slow reveal with regard to who they are exactly, and where they've been in the world. Perhaps a bit too slow here in the first draft, but I digress . . . It may be my ignorance showing, but I thought "my lord" was perfectly valid for a king. I guess I have to hit the books before the second draft of this scene =P When you put it like that, the whole scene with him kissing his ring DOES come off awkward, haha. Hmm, I may just the paragraph after his conversation with Taelmera. "In for a copper, in for a gold"? I'm getting the impression I need to build more of an impression of the king, as seen by the common folk, before having Lianye declare that to Rendevere. It shouldn't be an uncommon sentiment, but I can't make the king out to be too evil. He has his own motivations and purposes, and while they may be interpreted one way by others, that may not have been his intention. If you were here beside me in the material world, I would hug you for comparing something I've written to Game of Thrones. Golly, that just butters my bread. Mandamon-- The factory isn't operating when the king is there on inspection. That's not a detail I really show overtly, though, so I will look at ways to make that evident. I may change the crust of bread to a rind of melon. Gives some diversity to the food I've already described and is more reasonable to toss. Lianye has the most backstory, believe it or not, of any character you've met thus far. Her disappointment when arriving in the slums, and her desire to wrest control of the kingdom all stem from where she's coming from. I'm hoping to reveal it in satisfying bits and pieces--it would lose impact I feel if I info dumped her backstory through a monologue. It's something that will affect her all throughout the story, and guide her decision making, grand and seemingly foolhardy as it might be. That scene is from Lianye's POV though. Might do for me to give Rendevere a little more body language to express his gears churning, as it were. Ah, goodman . . . So much controversy =P Honestly, maybe it should be limited just to Dev. It's meant to be a common phrase among the highborn men, so I thought it would be equally weird if just Devoleane were to say it. I don't know how to express that without it becoming distracting, so in the interest of the story I will limit it to Devoleane. The aerlands are still lurking, but the immediate plot threads are all converging on the ball. It's the climax of Act 1, so I want to give it an appropriate build up. Act 2 and 3 will be aerland filled, rest assured. TheYoungBard-- The characters that will be worth keeping in memory will return in the narrative frequently enough that I hope remembering their names shouldn't be a problem. I will consider cutting or retooling the scene with the masters though, as perhaps it is a bit too much of an info dump for so early in the story. I like your comment on coherence. I'm surely going to stumble frequently through this first draft of the story, but the positive feedback is very encouraging! I'm very thankful for each of you taking the time to help me draw out the good and call out the bad. Cheers!

Glass Skies Ch. 2 summary:The two companions Lianye and Rendevere entered Landelwen's capitol city of Landelvae under cover of night, Lianye calling in a favor she was owed to secure room and board at Kaeve's Tavern in the slums. Lianye worries about being discovered--she's "risking everything" with each moment she spends within the walls. Enter Ch. 3, in which we see the world through another perspective, and Devoleane does what he does best. Fun Fact: All of my characters began as archetypes I thought would best fit the story I wanted to tell. Early on, the cast was comprised of the Pariah, the Soldier, the Youth, the Scientist, the Ruler, and the Priestess. After my earlier iterations fell flat, I merged the elements of certain characters (Pariah/Priestess, Youth/Scientist) to form them as they appear in this iteration.

Oh no, Majestic Fox. Your story is much further along, and better established--it would be a bigger blow to the stride you've hit and your readers if you were to miss a week. Please, do submit in my stead. I'll have some more time to refine a change of direction I've been working on. EDIT: Mandamon . . . I meant to say Mandamon. Please do go ahead sir! EDIT Again: After speaking with Mandamon, I will be going ahead and posting today.

While you're at the pawn shop, keep an eye out for my dignity. Thank you Silk.

Thanks for your comments Robinski! I really appreciate your feedback, and I'm glad you find the story engaging even in such a rough state. As for all the little issues with grammar and turns of phrase, I'm hoping to catch them in the drafting process. I'm learning a lot by comments like yours on what works and what doesn't, and trying to take them to heart so I avoid such simple flaws moving forward. I think you hit the nail on the head with the fight scene. I'm none too happy with it either, and your comment that it was "by-the-numbers" helped me to see exactly why it fell flat. It's top of my to-do list for the second draft. I may include another comment from Lianye regarding her disappointment at the slums in the next draft as well. The fact of its existence is a disappointment to her, and hopefully it will become more clear in the chapters to come. Your comment that my story deserves better than the thugs actually encourages me. It shows that someone else sees value in the story I'm trying to tell, which pushes me to reach higher in turn. It's heartening, to say the least. I will doubtlessly fumble many more times before the first draft is through, but if the core of the story is worth reading, then it's worth polishing! I can't really express how excited that makes me. These characters and their struggles are very near and dear to my heart, and I want to do them justice. Looking forward to your feedback on future chapters!

I'm all for Rejection Junction, though it feels weird to be discussing it in rdpulfer's thread =P In this for the long haul, I am. Let's all work to get published together.

First off, wow. The scene with the kid at the beginning feels very real to me. I've seen those types of households, up close, and I could feel Jeffrey's pain acutely. Not to mention your explanation toward the end of the chapter, which was a brilliant move to shed some light on the mother's pain in turn. And finding an escape with the fantasy cards plucked at my heartstrings even more. That's why we write, isn't it? We build worlds and characters with problems we all share to work them out on a grand scale, sometimes with wizards, wars, and gallant heroes. "Knights and heroes don't leave their family behind. And they aren't scared of witches." That whole scene was very powerful for me. Your prose is very easy for me to read. There are some minor things I could mention, but nothing that I'm not confident you won't catch in the next draft, and they don't take me out of the story. I was a little bewildered by the time jump as well. Perhaps making it clearer that Dr. Foster is still fresh on her mind, or perhaps describing how her depression has morphed over time. It does seem a bit odd that she would still be this deeply sad so many years after, even given her relationship with him. Maybe if you spend some more time building up the bond they shared . . . But I digress. Having been in a similar situation to Julia, I'm really curious to see if she lets impulsiveness get the better of her, and if she tries to defend Jeffrey more directly. However, all of that said, I'm a little perplexed as to how this will fit into the overarching story. I think I can see some connections between the major hooks in the first chapter, but it's all a bit vague. One of the perils of the serial format, I suppose. I am eager to read more, though. Please carry on!

Assuming the mantle of lowest priority, I have another chapter for next week if there's room.

Thank you Valthyr, rdpulfer, and Mr. Wednesday for your kind words and compliments on Ch. 2! I really appreciate them. I'm especially glad that you all wish to read more--that's very affirming to me, and gets me excited to write more. =) EDIT: I'm glad you're as excited about the aerlands as I am! I'm learning new things about them all the time, and last night made an especially exciting breakthrough that will bear fruit for a very long time to come. It might not be what you expect, though--I'm thinking in the long-term. -I may need to make the conversation between Rendevere, Lianye, and Kaeve clearer. Rend and Lianye are blushing because Kaeve keeps trying to twist their words to make it seem as if they are a couple. They aren't quite comfortable with that idea -I'll work on reducing unnecessary dialogue tags as I continue to write. You may not see the fruit of that for a few more chapters, as I have written up through Ch. 4 before I began posting here. It's hard for me not to want to go back and set things right before moving forward, but as this is my first draft, I feel like my efforts are best spent pushing the story ahead. -I forwarded the first week's submission to you! Enjoy -Yep, that's my bad habit of wordiness bleeding over. I appreciate you pointing it out, though, as I will need that sort of call-out from time to time. "Hey, this is really complicated, yo!" =P -Right, confidence is closer to what I wish I had said initially. Not to mention, the thug is drunk, so he's just a bit bewildered anyways. -Even though I'm aware of it now, I know which vs. that will continue to haunt me. Thank you for the tidbit about using which only after commas, I'll use that as a solution to my problem for the time being. Like I mentioned above, you might not see it in action until after Ch. 4. -Ah, good catch. Second draft will say something akin to that the thug looked confused. Confused that Lianye wasn't scared of him -Thank you for your comment on the viewpoint switch. I was, and still am, very worried about handling it properly. Like I mentioned in response to someone last week, I see it like this--Pen and Dev have a lot narrower focus that Rend and Lianye, for the time being. They're are my "young adult" subplot, if you will, while Rend and Lianye see to the bigger picture. Granted, there are lots of ties between the two stories that will eventually come to light, and ultimately join into the bigger, overarching conflict. EDIT: There will be one more viewpoint, actually. Introduced in the next chapter. That's why I'm especially worried about ensuring they all serve their purpose for the bigger picture. -I'll try to make fight scenes flow in quicker bursts in the future. I think that may also be my tendency for wordiness bleeding over. I remember thinking while writing it "Short, staccato sentences," but I wasn't quite able to overcome the pull of pouring words onto the page =P Thank you all again! If I should ever be published, some happy day in the future, I shall acknowledge all of my alpha readers in Reading Excuses!

-It was deliberately omniscient of me to reference "her mission" in the recap above. Other than their desire to get back into the city, coupled with Lianye's comment that it's dangerous for her to be there, her overarching scheme is a bit of a slow burn. You didn't miss anything with regard to it or them. There a much clearer picture of her mission within the next chapter, although Lianye's still figuring out the specifics herself. -How Rendevere and Lianye met is also a bit of character development I intend to reserve until later in the story. Whether I execute it properly or not, I try to show and not tell. I hint at Rendevere's backstory with the comments from the guards, but most of the bits and pieces won't be expressly stated until they're appropriate. As for the fight at the end, I'm not 100% satisfied with the way it turned out either. I wanted to offer some action, as I have plenty of exposition to go around in the early chapters. Give the two of them a chance to show off their abilities--though they come from disparate backgrounds, they both know how to throw down. Rendevere even chides her a bit after the fact to point out that it's going to net them some attention. But I feel like I did a poor job of setting that whole scene up, anyways. Any suggestions? The serial format can certainly be a harsh environment for subtlety. Many of my big revelations are paced with the intention of the reader having the completed work in their hands. It's a tough tightrope to balance upon--revealing enough while holding some cards close to the chest. If I really fumble some key bit of info though, I would love to get some perspectives on how to improve the pace of the plot development.

If I may be so bold, I can't help but draw parallels between you and Joseph Conrad. Like rdpulfer, if you didn't mention that you weren't a native speaker I would have never guessed. I trust that the prologue will do some work setting up the lore, but without it I felt a bit bewildered. Not likely helped by my lack of sleep. I found myself scrolling back and forth to ensure I understood what exactly was going on, which may or may not be a good thing. Chapter one is thick and rich, like molasses. It's definitely a slog trying to keep track of the technology and organizations you reference, but the way you repeat the key names and titles we need to know really helps. It's satisfying as opposed to frustrating. It feels like the story will reward paying attention, in that special way only a well-defined universe does. I really appreciated the awesome passage from the Conviction Opus. It places the death and struggles of the soldiers within the context of a believable purpose. It's really easy for a heroic speech or rallying cry to fall flat in the hands of an inexperienced writer. I was blown away by Vaughan's little speech to his troops--well done. The action is relentless, and very well handled. Easy to visualize, and cinematic. As a minor comment, you might do well to consider removing the quotation marks from the character's thoughts. The italics do well enough to distinguish them, and I never really wondered whether it was a though or spoken word, so that's just semantics I suppose. I love the mix of swords, guns, charged knives, and power armor. It's dirty, gritty, awesome sci-fi. The Lex wouldn't realize Castor had arrived after their entire second wave got wiped by a bombing run? =P I have a friend of mine who's a huge fan of the Warhammer 40K books, and while I'm not that familiar with 40K I feel like he would love this. You're definitely on to something grand. Keep it up! And welcome to the group =)