Jan. 14 - Halcyon - All's Fair - Draft 2 (V,S)

[Halcyon]

This is my attempt to take your critiques and factor them into a rewrite. This is the second draft of my short story "All's Fair". I kept about 50% of the original story so some of it will be familiar to you and some will be new. I'm interested to hear what you think.

Cheers!

[Syme]

I like this new version a lot. The story is a lot easier to follow now and there are no more superfluous scenes in there. Right now I can't find any major flaws with this piece, so I'll just point out some of the smaller stuff that I noticed.

-I'm not quite sure why Maia argues against attacking Hokata

-In that same scene, Hirundo's anger seems to me to be a bit unbelievable

-Why the weird capitalization for "GearMan"? In my opinion, camel case should only be used in advertising and programming, so unless GearMan is some sort of brand name or something like that, the M should not be capital. I know there are a lot of speculative authors who capitalize all of their invented words, but I think this is a bad habit as it makes your neologisms stick out too much. I would just simply go with "gearman". After all, we don't use capital letters for engineers or technicians and the like.

Overall you have a really good story here. I think that with some more polish you have a professional level story on your hands.

[Esperzoa]

Wow. And again, wow. You've written a heck of a story. I really think you could go places with it. Anyway, moving on to the actual critique.

Some of the Asian words you used threw me off. They added to the overall flavor of the story, but I would like it if they were defined or made more clear through contextual evidence.

The scene with Kioko seems weak. I'm not sure how much it adds to the overall story. If you want to keep the scene as-is, I would suggest giving Kioko a more substantial role.

I feel like Hirundo's affection for Maia comes on a little too suddenly. It would be nice to see it grow more slowly.

You did a great job of making the setting come alive. You've created a great mental image of the world. I especially like the quotes from Sun Tzu.

And the ending. Ah, the ending. *slow applause* I cannot say enough good things about it. Took me completely by surprise, and that's not easy to do. Absolutely brilliant.

Well, that's that. Like I said, you've got a real winner on your hands. Thanks for giving me a good read.

[Mandamon he/him]

I agree with the responses so far. The new story is stronger than before, and eliminates some of the questions. I was also a little confused by Hirundo's sudden anger, but thought it might be something Maia was doing to him?

You took out the umbrella from the first time around, which was a giveaway, but now when Maia poisons Hirundo, I'm not sure how it happens. He feels a sting, but no explanation for whether she pricked him with something or if it's her newfound magic gained from losing her wings.

I'll second that Kioko seems a weak character. I understand she's a counterpoint to Maia, and the scene gives some good background on the division between the humans and the fae, but her quick introduction doesn't really work. Either she needs to be around for the whole story to contrast with Maia, or I would remove her character altogether.

Overall very good! This piece could certainly be published somewhere.

[Halcyon]

Wow! Thanks for the great encouragement and critiques everyone.

@Syme

-I'm not quite sure why Maia argues against attacking Hokata

Nomura implies it's because her family and her home tree are there. If it's not obvious I'll rework the scene a bit more.

-In that same scene, Hirundo's anger seems to me to be a bit unbelievable

Unbelievable as in "that seems contrived" or as in "that seems really out of character"? I'm aiming for the latter, it should be really out of character for him.

-Why the weird capitalization for "GearMan"?

lol Because originally I had only the first letter capitalized and every time I wrote Gearman, I saw German when skimming it. But you're right, it does look weird so I'm just going to get rid of the capitalization altogether.

@Esperzoa

Thanks for the great reaction. You make some very good points and considering it's already over 7000 words I'm tempted to add a bit more to flesh out Maia and Hirundo's relationship and her effect on him and turn the whole thing into a novella.

@Mandamon

I was also a little confused by Hirundo's sudden anger, but thought it might be something Maia was doing to him?

Yes, and I think that's not quite as obvious as it needs to be so I think that will have to be fleshed out more.

You took out the umbrella from the first time around, which was a giveaway, but now when Maia poisons Hirundo, I'm not sure how it happens. He feels a sting, but no explanation for whether she pricked him with something or if it's her newfound magic gained from losing her wings.

It's actually her touch. She's sending small electrical shocks through him which are messing with his heart, the last of which gives him a heart attack. Hirundo actually notes this a few times but chalks it up to his desire for her. I think I just need to make that more obvious.

Thanks again everyone for the wonderful encouragement. The rewriting is certainly harder than the original writing but it's nice to see it pay off. Now onto draft 3.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Halcyon

[cjhuitt he/him]

I'll echo what the others said about the improvements and potential for this one.

I also thought that the anger was not obviously caused, though it did seem out of character for the general. Additionally, I did pick that Maia was causing him problems, though that was likely from my knowledge from the first draft. I would encourage you to make it a touch less subtle.

I also agree that the interlude with Kioko felt out of place.

In the beginning, when Nomura felt there was a threat, I felt like the proper protocol might have been to keep the general and her separate, so one of them is not in the room. If something bad happens, then the army wouldn't be completely leaderless. Of course, there are protocol reasons why this might not be feasible, but I felt it should have occured to them at least.

At one point (in the map room), you have the general say "Taya". Either that's a word I don't know, or possibly Nomura's familiar name, or something? I don't recall seeing it again in the story, and it confused me a bit.

Finally, I thought the reference to new magic at the end of the piece may not be what you want to do. To me, that just opens this whole thing up by creating a new question, and now I expect either an explanation from Maia, or more story delving into that. Instead, I would suggest one of two possibilities. The first was that she found a natural, non-magical way to cause the general problems, though that seems riskier than she might want to be. The second would be to have the wings slowly regrowing, but of course she would be hiding them under her clothes. Then, as they regrow, so does her ability to use magic.

Don't take this the wrong way; I'm intrigued by the idea that there is another kind of magic she could gain access to. I just think the end of the story is the wrong place to open up a question like that.