Esperzoa

Wow. And again, wow. You've written a heck of a story. I really think you could go places with it. Anyway, moving on to the actual critique. Some of the Asian words you used threw me off. They added to the overall flavor of the story, but I would like it if they were defined or made more clear through contextual evidence. The scene with Kioko seems weak. I'm not sure how much it adds to the overall story. If you want to keep the scene as-is, I would suggest giving Kioko a more substantial role. I feel like Hirundo's affection for Maia comes on a little too suddenly. It would be nice to see it grow more slowly. You did a great job of making the setting come alive. You've created a great mental image of the world. I especially like the quotes from Sun Tzu. And the ending. Ah, the ending. *slow applause* I cannot say enough good things about it. Took me completely by surprise, and that's not easy to do. Absolutely brilliant. Well, that's that. Like I said, you've got a real winner on your hands. Thanks for giving me a good read.

Hi all. So this is actually my first completed short story. I'm great at starting stories, not so much at ending them. I apologize for any confusion engendered by my not naming the file appropriately. (I'm new, obviously.) It's the one titled "Their Rosy Countenances". I will get it right next time. I hope you guys enjoy the story!

Silk, you told me in your private message yesterday that "if you would like to submit tomorrow as well, you are welcome to do that." So, I'm taking you up on your offer. Sending out the email now. Sorry about sending it out so late in the day. You can blame my frantic college schedule for that. EDIT: I apologize in advance, for I neglected to put my username in the title of my file attachment. Did not see that tidbit of information in the rules until after I sent her off. I'm sorry for any confusion this may cause. If it helps, the file attachment is entitled "Their Rosy Countenances", sans quotation marks.

First off, I apologize in advance. I'm not exactly the most skilled at critiquing stories. I'm more of a reader than a reviewer, much less an editor. I see what you meant by the steep learning curve. I feel like it's a bit too steep. Too much information is given all at once. It would be better, methinks, if you introduced information one bit at a time. On a related note, I feel that the steep learning curve interferes somewhat with your characterization. It's hard to understand a character when I'm still trying to understand the setting in which he lives. On a positive note, I can tell you put a solid effort into developing the setting, and I want to see more if it, and understand it better. I like the work you did with the linguistics. I think it adds to the alien setting of the story. You also did a nice job with making the different creatures feel alien without making then so different from humans that they're hard to understand. On a personal note, I feel the concluding sentence is a bit weak. Just my opinion, but it feels a bit too wordy for a chapter ending. Overall, I like the story. The setting seems very detailed. I'd love to see what happens next.