Halcyon

I agree with Syme and Mandamon. Your prose is well done and the story has very nice flow but I was a bit disappointed in the ending. I was expecting more conflict, but it ended abruptly, there was no consequence to anyone for bringing Rick back. I was also expecting to find out more about the murderer, why Rick was captured, tortured and murdered, and why he was placed in front of the mirror. It would have been nice to see more from the murderer or maybe Rick's POV when his parent's try to bring him back. In terms of dialogue, this seems like a modern day setting, but at the graveyard Sarah keeps referring Rick as 'my son', which seems kind of awkward and I never really hear anyone call there kids that. I really liked the use of description at the beginning, it set the story up nicely. But that seemed to fade as the story went along and it made the story seemed rushed. Also, when Rick was referring to himself as a monster, I thought for a while something had happened to him or been done to him to make him into a monster. Maybe because I was reading it has urban fantasy. I was a bit disappointed when I realized he was just being vain and that wasn't the case. Also why wasn't Rick scared? I'd be pretty terrified if I had been beaten and tortured and had a gun to my head. Was he expecting this or was he accustomed to having his life threatened? Even answering those questions could give us some nice clues to Rick's backstory. I do think this has the potential to be great with some rework and by increasing the conflict. Hope that helped. Cheers!

Wow! Thanks for the great encouragement and critiques everyone. @Syme -I'm not quite sure why Maia argues against attacking Hokata Nomura implies it's because her family and her home tree are there. If it's not obvious I'll rework the scene a bit more. -In that same scene, Hirundo's anger seems to me to be a bit unbelievable Unbelievable as in "that seems contrived" or as in "that seems really out of character"? I'm aiming for the latter, it should be really out of character for him. -Why the weird capitalization for "GearMan"? lol Because originally I had only the first letter capitalized and every time I wrote Gearman, I saw German when skimming it. But you're right, it does look weird so I'm just going to get rid of the capitalization altogether. @Esperzoa Thanks for the great reaction. You make some very good points and considering it's already over 7000 words I'm tempted to add a bit more to flesh out Maia and Hirundo's relationship and her effect on him and turn the whole thing into a novella. @Mandamon I was also a little confused by Hirundo's sudden anger, but thought it might be something Maia was doing to him? Yes, and I think that's not quite as obvious as it needs to be so I think that will have to be fleshed out more. You took out the umbrella from the first time around, which was a giveaway, but now when Maia poisons Hirundo, I'm not sure how it happens. He feels a sting, but no explanation for whether she pricked him with something or if it's her newfound magic gained from losing her wings. It's actually her touch. She's sending small electrical shocks through him which are messing with his heart, the last of which gives him a heart attack. Hirundo actually notes this a few times but chalks it up to his desire for her. I think I just need to make that more obvious. Thanks again everyone for the wonderful encouragement. The rewriting is certainly harder than the original writing but it's nice to see it pay off. Now onto draft 3.

This is my attempt to take your critiques and factor them into a rewrite. This is the second draft of my short story "All's Fair". I kept about 50% of the original story so some of it will be familiar to you and some will be new. I'm interested to hear what you think. Cheers!

It's looking like the short story I want to submit is going to be closer to 7000 words than 5000. Is that a problem? Should I split it up?

If there's room by the time Monday rolls around, I'd like to submit.

This is an interesting chapter. I had difficulty engaging with Filistra because I couldn't understand why she wouldn't be thinking about or emotional reacting still to the death of her family and that she is following Hyginos so readily. I'd really like to see her mental and emotional reasoning for following. Also I was curious how much time had passed since Hyginos had found her. The action scene was good. It made sense and gives us a feel for what we can expect in future battles. I liked the insight into the Yacatu's methodology around poisoning their darts. 'She heard Phokas moving to one of the other corpses, in accordance to what her magical sense told her.' - I think you meant Hyginos here. I feel like you could sell this scene more if there was more emotional involvement in Filistra's thoughts. For example, if she uses the magic as a way to distract her from thoughts of her family, or if aspects of the magic or Hyginos' training remind her of her family. There's a great book called 'Wired for Story' by Lisa Cron that I would highly recommend. It talks about using brain science to hook readers. Chapter 3 deals exclusively with emotion, the cognitive secret being that "emotion determines the meaning of everything - if we're not feeling, we're not conscious". This translates in the the story secret in that "all story is emotion based - if we're not feeling, we're reading." I hope this doesn't feel like a lecture, I just think this can be a helpful resource. I think you have good prose and the potential for a really good story, I just feel it needs to be a bit more emotive.

Hi Syme, This is a hard review for me to write, I think because I would have put the book down upon reading this chapter. Leontas does have a distinct voice and the prose is well written, but I can't help but wonder why we're being shown Leontas' leaving instead of Leontas' already having left. It just feels like it could use a good dose of "in late, out early". I'm not particularly interested in Leontas' personal life and would probably skip forward to find out what's happening to Filista. I was a little confused with the information conveyed about the traitor and the man caught crossing the lines. Was the man who was killed supposed to be delivering the message to the traitor in Thereos? I liked that Leontas questioned the the encryption and the letter, they were the same questions I was thinking about the letter and having him ask them seems to assure me I'll get those questions answered later on. The feast seemed a bit info-dumpy and I couldn't understand why the information about the mines was important but perhaps you'll explain that later on.

Thanks for your critique Mandamon, I'm glad you liked it. You're description of Arrick as something between an Ent and an Elf is interesting because he is actually a troll but I had Ents in my head when I was designing him. You make a very good point about size. I hadn't considered the door aspect but I'll need to fix that. I'll also add some more to the worldbuilding and character description as you suggest, I think it will help to make things clearer. All good questions and I'm glad this is what your speculating. It will be addressed later but I'm glad you're thinking about it now.

@Syme While this is more of a personal preference, I'm glad you mentioned it because it was never my intent for it to be seen as an 'in harmony with nature' piece. Rather Arrick is as much 'nature' as anything else, trees, storms, etc. So I'll just have to make that more apparent. This is a good point and I struggled with this as I was writing. As I mentioned to cjhuitt, I'm going to cut the first scene and save it for later on, so the scene at the woodcutter's house becomes the first scene. Thanks for your comments!

Thanks for the comments cjhuitt. It never occured to me that you'd see Arrick as non-corporeal but I'm glad you mentioned it. It's an easy fix. After reading your and Syme's comments, I think the easiest fix is to cut the first scene and add a bit to the second scene. This will, I think, help reducing the jarring effect of switching POV's and also address the lack of conflict the Syme mentions right off the bat. I'm going to keep the scene on hand as I might use it later in the story. I'll also see if I can make the passage of time more apparent without being too obvious. Thanks again!

Thanks Syme, I sent it about 3 hours ago. Maybe I'll resend just in case.

Hi all, Here is something that started out as a short story in my head, but it decided it wanted to be something more like a novella as I was outlining and I didn't want to argue, so I'll be splitting it into 3 parts. Here is part 1. I wish you all the best on this last day of the year and all the best in the one to come. Cheers!

I'd like to submit tomorrow if it's not too late.

2:40 pm - @Trizee and @cjhuitt I apologize for not responding sooner. Between travelingfor the holidays and the wireless being down, I havn’t had much chance to geton here. … 2:55 pm – Arrggh!Apparently we’re still having wireless issues and the nice, long, detailedresponses I made to your critiques got deleted when I tried to post them.<sigh> Ah well. Thank you bothfor your insightful comments. They were great questions and points that havemade me rethink a few elements of the story (for the better). Trizee, I agreethat it would be better fleshed out as a novel and I think I may do just that.I’m actually writing a novella about a different character in the same world,just for kicks. Cjhuitt, I think the plots holes you mention will be betteranswered in a longer form (though I still want to try and make this stand-aloneas best it can for now.) So, again, thank youboth!

Thanks Mandamon! I'm glad you liked it. Especially glad you got the Art of War references. I'm also really glad the Japanese gearpunk worked out. This is actually the first short story I've written and if the world is looking intriguing I'll definitely have to think of doing more in this setting and perhaps even expanding it into a novel. Thanks also for pointing out the character confusion and Maia's paragraph summaries, I will try to work those more subtly into the piece as well as a bit more description on the Elemental fliers. Thanks again for the great critique, I'm really looking forward to reworking this now. Cheers!

@Syme Thanks for the comments. In regards to the punctuation and grammar, this was a first draft and I wasn't doing any sentence level edits. You raise some really good questions and it's something I struggled with while writing this, i.e. how much is too much or too little info? For example, I just finished reading Mary Robinette-Kowal's' "The Bound Man". It's a great short story but she doesn't give a tonne of history or back story. At the end, I had a lot of questions but mostly that just made me hungry to read more (if there had been more), but I accepted that it was a short story, so I probably wouldn't know those things unless she chose to expand it. And therein lies a key detail I think, leaving enough questions for the reader to be hungry for more but not confused. Thanks again Syme, definitely review your questions/suggestions on the next draft.

This critique really just seems to be a series of questions that came to mind as I was reading. I like the flow of this chapter and Filista has a voice that is distinct from the other two POV’s so far. Though I have to wonder, is she a naturally trusting person because her questioning of Hyginos’ words and actions comes in a little late for me. If he could get close enough to see her dead family, in the dark, does that mean the Yacatu aren’t there anymore? Wouldn’t she want to go back and see her family? Also, if they were so worried about the Yacatu in the first place, would they have risked a fire? I like the interaction between her and her family, it helps to develop her as a character. Though she doesn’t really have any reaction to Zotikos’ death. Even if she didn’t know him that well, seeing anyone recently murdered would be a traumatizing experience, unless she has seen many people die and is used to it. I don’t necessarily buy into her thinking she’s selfish by resisting the guy who was trying to rape her. How could she not resist, even if she knew that resisting would likely get her family killed? After she hears of her family’s death, she is certainly thinking a lot, but I’d like to know more about what she is feeling and what effect that is having on her. “Her heart constricted, her hands shook, she couldn’t breath, etc, etc.” I think that would help the reader to sympathize with her a bit more. Also, if Yacatu scouts are so close by that they need to leave in a hurry, would they really risk talking? I just came to the part where they are talking about lykanides not being able to tolerate the sun. For some reason I forgot that it was nighttime. I remember you mentioned the full moon earlier, when she had first been woken up but her run through the forest completely destroyed that for me. You say at the beginning that these are dense forests. What season is it? If it’s summer, a dense forest is going to get very little moonlight through the canopy. Even in winter, if all the trees have lost their leaves, she will be tripping on underbrush, falling over fallen trees and rotting logs. I think you could really add to the tone of this chapter by describing that. I like the discussion about the magic system and that you already have consequences and limits in place. Overall, this was a good way to introduce two new characters. Personally I found Filista to be a bit bland. I know you’re going to be fleshing her out more as you go but I had a hard time liking her or rather, caring about her. Her reactions to things were just a little unbelievable so I had a hard time sympathizing with her. But I think this is a good continuation of your story. I’m interested to see how she fits in to the larger arc and despite not really getting behind her, I think she has a lot of potential to develop as a character. Hope that was helpful. Thanks for sharing!

Hi all,This is my first submission on this forum. It's a short story I've been working on. It has a ways to go I think but I'm looking forward to your critiques. Cheers! P.S. I'm obviously 2 days ahead of myself as it's the 10th not the 12th, which is the date I put on my email. Wishing for Friday to come early perhaps?

Hi Syme, I’m new to the forum too and this is actually my first critique here. If you want me to clarify anything, please just ask. Prologue Just listened to the latest WE podcast today on beginnings and they made a very interesting point about setting up a scene with dialogue. I want to point out first that I actually really love the dialogue you have in the opening scene but it is a bit disorienting, especially since there are so many foreign names. I think this dialogue has a place, I just don’t know if its place is at the very beginning. That said, Dan made a good point that sometimes you want itto come across disorienting (I think they mentioned ‘Ender’s Game’ and Dan’s own ‘Hollow City’) so it’s good for you to know if that’s the effect you’re going for. I questioned Lysandros being at the front of the line. I understand that he would want to lead his men into battle, but isn’t the King usually protected at the back of the line and often not even involved in the actually hand-to-hand fighting? If it’s essential to have him on the front line, you may need to justify that. I don’t know, see what other people think.Maybe I’m to only one that needs that kind of justification. J Also, can I say I really love the names you’ve come up with.Lysandros. That’s such a great name for a King. Here’s a bit of a continuity confusion: in the beginningdialogue, you mention that the Yacatu are better organized than the Sarkis, butas Lysandros is going into battle he says the Yacatu lines are disorganized.You actually mention a few times how ill-coordinated the Yacatu are, so maybewhen you were saying they were better organized before, it was in reference tosomething else?? I really love the detail you’re giving, it immediately sets the tone that this is an epic fantasy and I (the reader) have just been thrown into what’s looking to be an epic battle. I got thrown off not knowing what the peltast and Lykanides were, even a minor description would be helpful. I also think you need to explain what or who the hoplites are, earlier on. The first time I get a rough idea of what they are is when the army is in full retreat. I’m getting the impression that Lysandros’ death/defeat (cuz at this point I don’t actually know for sure that he is dead) is crucial. The dialogue earlier on did help me get into his head a bit, helped me empathize with him (I liked him, kinda sad he’s likely dead now). I lost that a little bit during the battle because I was getting a lot of what was happening to him/around him, but not really how he was internally reacting/feeling about anyof it. And since this is the first time I’ve met Lysandros, I need to know why his death/defeat should matter to me (a caveat is that you may spend the entire book revealing this, I just want to point out that it is now a promise you will need to fulfill). Chapter 1 I understand that Leontas already knew the King was dead but I would like to know what everyone else thought of that. Did everyone else know too? There doesn't seem to be a noticeable reaction. I liked the comparison of the treatment of slaves as a way to differentiate between the two cultures (although I would like to know what the difference between a helot and slave is – if you answer that later then don’t worry about it.) I could use a little clarification around what Sarkis is in relation to Thereos. Are they both kingdoms? Provinces? (I know you call them city states but what does that really mean? Is Lysandros the King of the whole lot or just the King of Sarkis? Again,something that you might explain later and if so…I would recommend sooner rather than later because I think it’s setting the scene and trying to sort it out is taking away from the issue at hand, which is: who is Leontas and what is he up to?) I liked Leontas’ commentary as he observes the proceedings.He’s a nice choice for a POV and seems like just the person to follow around and find out what’s really going on. I had a little trouble believing that each of the 10 000 men present at the council would get to speak. That would take forever! Whew! That was a lot of information for a short prologue and a chapter but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I did feel a bit like I’d been thrown into the deep end but if anything it made me so curious, I’d have to keep reading just to get my questions answered. The story intrigues me,there’s a lot of juicy politics in this that could get so interesting. I think this could be the start to a really fantastic story,it might just need a bit more fleshing out. Also, I really like your prose, I think that the way you’ve written it is excellent, so well done. I’m in the process of writing my first novel too so I know how daunting this can be, but I think you’re off to a great start. Cheers, Hal

Hi! I'm new but I'd like to submit next Monday, the 10th, if possible please.