9/29/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 7, 4212 words

[Appol PhD they/he]

We have the buildup to the midpoint conflict this time, so I'm curious to see how it comes across! 

[Paul SB]

It looks to me like it's working fairly well, though if the midpoint is coming up already then the story must be on the short side.

What Works:

Chapter 13

K’s easy understanding of L’s position regarding her mother shows that she is a thoughtful, empathic chararcter.

 

“That humanization is how we build bridges and make real progress.” - K is clearly a person who thinks outside of the boxes most people put each other into. She has a broader horizon of inclusion than most.

 

“I don’t especially care.” — In spite of showing empathy and emotional intelligence (which some see as a weakness), she is also firm and determined.

 

 

“Everything I said about Guang is true, and someone needs to let him know it’s not okay. But then again, Jiahao was nicer when challenging me about my mom than I’ve been to him or Brennan.” — It’s great how you show that conflict between the juvenile mindset (It’s all true!) and the adult mindset (It often works better to not piss people off.) in a character who’s on the cusp of adulthood.

 

 

 

Chapter 14

 

“ … they could have grabbed someone off the street and threatened them into heading in and inviting the thralls in.” — There’s an interesting thought. I don’t read a lot of vampire fiction, but this is an implication of the ‘rules’ I’ve never seen.

 

“We’re in this together.” — This is a much better ending. It resolves the issue while setting up the conflict for the next chapter nicely.

 

 

What Doesn’t:

Chapter 13

It gets confusing when you go back and forth between using a character’s English and Chinese names.

 

 

“It’s not fair how his points actually make sense compared to the left-wing radicals I see making internet posts.” — Like right-wing radicals make any more sense?

 

 

“You know it’s not that simple. I could still tell her at any point what I did.” — More to the point, if K’s mother is just using her, why would she stop even if she no longer has the scanner when she could use her to get it back?

 

 

You use dashes and/or hyphens were you should be using ellipses.

“… grabbing Brennan and keeping a hand clasped over his mouth.” — After a while cliffhanger endings start to feel predictable. Like any gimmick, they can be effective but are easily overused. In most cases, the ending of a scene does two things: it resolves the tension the scene began with, and it sets up the conflict for the next scene.

 

 

Chapter 14

 

“Specifically young Asian women like the ones you saw,” Jiahao says.” You indicated in the heading that this chapter is being narrated by Jiahao, so the speech tag should say “I say …”

 

“but they do take out their phone and call their parents. He tells us …” — Pronoun inconsistency is a little distracting.

 

“ … what’s probably undiagnosed autism that I fit all of the textbook symptoms for …” — He seems awfully astute for someone with ASD. I have two kids in that boat.

[TheDwarfyOne]

Some notes as I went:

 

P. 1. Good to see her POV on why her mum’s a good-ish figure.

The bathroom thing feels slightly weird to me. Instead of making it a blanket thing, maybe make it something she noticed happened once and wonder if it was deliberate? Or remove.

‘When the supernatural around.’ Supernatural underground*?

 

P. 3. It feels a lot of things are described in dialogue, instead of playing out. We discover J thinks the room is bugged, there’s increasing tension with the mum – but it’s all spoken so far.

How does he know she doesn’t like it? Is it an observation from the previous night?

There’s a lot of strong dialogue, but also a LOT of dialogue.

Doing a good job building to something – the pieces are on the board, being moved about.

 

P. 6. Game interaction as metaphor for their relationship is good.

 

P. 8. The vampire reveal could be better shown than stated – description of unnatural grace, ethereal beauty, apparent youth. People will put it together easily enough, and it can be verbally confirmed in the next chapter.

 

P. 9. ‘M says in Mandarin.’ Same as last time. The ‘said in Mandarin’ ‘replies in English’ ‘speak Mandarin’ ‘say in Taishanese’ cycle breaks immersion.

 

P. 10. The Irish and Italian segue seems out of place in a hostage situation. Would those really be important thoughts in that context?

 

P. 13. The rules with vampires seem fairly typical – not allowed in unless invited etc. What’s your twist on these mythical creatures?

 

Overall, this ends with a nice wee ‘we’re in this together,’ paralleling the previous division during the game session. The chapters chart a clear step forward in their relationship - divided towards teammates with common enemies. Not just against K's mum.

These two submissions have suggested a quirk in your writing. You tend to tell, not show, through heavy pieces of dialogue. I'd be conscious of that during the editing stage, so that there's a bit more variety. Disclaimer - I've only read two submissions, so pattern-recognition is limited

[ginger_reckoning]

I can't remember if M has been present before now, though I think I remember her being mentioned. Anyway, having her show up and kidnap B was a good escalation but I don't recall/know her dynamic with D so J talking to her was a little less impactful than I think it was intended to be. I liked their conversation about wanting to be able to have a more secure relationship though. 

 

 

I appreciate the difference in perspective as to why K’s mom is being nice to them

 

“Build bridges and make real progress” this seems like such a stock centrist phrase to me that it feels a little comical. Could just be me though. 

 

“When the supernatural around is getting restless” I think this entire phrase could be cut. It makes the sentence seem long and I think its kind of implied

 

“Painted with horizontal red stripes” Like, literally painted? I don’t know what this is

 

“Left-wing radicals”  this also made me laugh, for the same reasons as above. I think mainly because in this situation they weren’t really talking radical politics, so it’s weird to compare him to random radical leftists on the internet right here

 

“That’s the only way to prove” yeah, this comes across a little assh*le like to me, not that that’s inherently bad for the story or anything

 

I like K realizing she was being rude to B here

 

“You’ve come a long way” this sentence is confusing

 

“Swallows her whole” I like this sentence

 

“What do those people want” P is reacting very calmly here after seeing B get kidnapped, imo

“No emotional reaction could do it justice” I disagree, even being in shock is an emotional reaction. At the very least, I think I would want answers about who the people were and what was going on

 

“It’s uncomfortable with what’s probably” I would make the part that talks about his undiagnosed autism into its own sentence so this one doesn’t run on as long. Something like “It’s uncomfortable. I fit all the textbook symptoms for autism but have never been diagnosed, which is probably why I have to break…”