Mental health club!

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

21 hours ago, coldfuzion76 said:

The last few years have been really hard. Got laid off from my dream job, couldn't find work for a while, so I moved back to my home state hoping it would be better. Soon after, we lost both of our dogs, one to cancer, the other was attacked three weeks later at a dog park. Plus the jobs haven't been any easier to get. I've had 4 in the last 3 years just trying to make ends meet, all while taking care of a disabled girlfriend. Hence the bankruptcy. I also had to let my truck and camper be repossessed.

Most of my depression just feels so damn justified. It's hard to see past it, even though I know others have it worse. 

That's really rough. Sometimes I think it can be validating if your depression feels justified? Or maybe not idk. But I know sometimes I can't identify a cause and then question myself and can't see how it's real. Idk if I'm understanding right tho...

Also, as others have said in the past, there's always gonna be someone who has it worse, until you get to the bottom, and that doesn't make everyone else's less valid.

I'm not sure how to help in a solution-based way.

 

How did the appointment go?

[coldfuzion76 he/him]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

That's really rough. Sometimes I think it can be validating if your depression feels justified? Or maybe not idk. But I know sometimes I can't identify a cause and then question myself and can't see how it's real. Idk if I'm understanding right tho...

How did the appointment go?

It is somewhat validating. I just can't seem to get out of this rut. Bad things just keep happening, making me question if they'll or I'll ever get any better. 

The appointment went ok, I appreciate you asking. We've juggled some things around, and today my anxiety wasn't as bad.

Had to work some overtime today, and it actually wasn't terrible, so I'm going to try and take that as the win that it is. I've started back at an old job that I had 10 years ago, and have a bit of a different perspective now, so maybe this time it will work out better. So far it has, and I'm trying to remain as positive as I can about it.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

So I've been something of a bad person lately to the people close to me and today I had the sudden thought/desire to... actually be better and try? Idk, I just don't want to be like that anymore.

These things don't always last though so I might go back to being a cremling soon

 

but uh I just wanted to share cuz it was odd but cool.

Edited Wednesday at 02:30 PM by Usseewa

[coldfuzion76 he/him]

On 6/24/2026 at 10:30 AM, Usseewa said:

So I've been something of a bad person lately to the people close to me and today I had the sudden thought/desire to... actually be better and try? Idk, I just don't want to be like that anymore.

These things don't always last though so I might go back to being a cremling soon

 

but uh I just wanted to share cuz it was odd but cool.

I had a similar experience that caused me to stop drinking. I was just around people that were drinking and thought, "I don't want to be that person anymore". I wasn't an alcoholic or anything, I just didn't like the way I was when I did drink. I have a lot of other stuff going on, but at least I don't have that to worry about anymore. 

I think little things like this don't get recognized enough. Be happy you thought that way! I'll take a positive thought like that over an intrusive one any day.  

[coldfuzion76 he/him]

So, I've had a bit of a realization. My therapist the other day ended our session with something that I've heard a thousand times and never really thought about, or just dismissed as a platitude. She just told me to find glimmers and be thankful for the small things that I have. She meant nothing ill toward me with it, but it upset me for some reason that  I couldn't define at first. 

Then later that night I figured it out. I have always taken most basic things for granted. Housing, jobs, things like that that I've always had decent enough accommodations in. But it's never been enough. I'm never satisfied and I'm not sure I even know how to be. 

It explains a lot, but part of me is even more frustrated now because I don't know where to go from this. I don't care so much as to the why, (although I think I know) my parentage had some things to be desired even if it weren't the worst upbringing. I just want to find the switch to turn that off, or on, or whatever parameter I need to change to make it better. 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

not sure which thread to put this but I feel like dissociated and weird and off and sick and bad and self-loathing or worry or something and distracted when watching movie sometimes, at least in theatres. I'm watching it but I'm not really paying attention or Invested and can't focus or relate or connect to characters and everything just feels wrong like I shouldn't be there or doing wrong thing or the movie is wrong 

and it kinda brings back the doubts and feelings of not knowing who I am quite or who i want to be

and things feel unreal too, and i feel the thing i feel other times where like people don't feel real and it's familiar only by knowing not feeling, disconnected sort of

and i hate how i look even though i can't see myself (im not looking in a mirror or anything but i picture my face abd i hate it). i wanna not be that thing because it's a horrible person and looks crappy and bad as a person. but u can't get rid of my face

[coldfuzion76 he/him]

3 hours ago, Usseewa said:

not sure which thread to put this but I feel like dissociated and weird and off and sick and bad and self-loathing or worry or something and distracted when watching movie sometimes, at least in theatres. I'm watching it but I'm not really paying attention or Invested and can't focus or relate or connect to characters and everything just feels wrong like I shouldn't be there or doing wrong thing or the movie is wrong 

and it kinda brings back the doubts and feelings of not knowing who I am quite or who i want to be

and things feel unreal too, and i feel the thing i feel other times where like people don't feel real and it's familiar only by knowing not feeling, disconnected sort of

and i hate how i look even though i can't see myself (im not looking in a mirror or anything but i picture my face abd i hate it). i wanna not be that thing because it's a horrible person and looks crappy and bad as a person. but u can't get rid of my face

Man, I totally get the disassociation feelings. I don't know if you're on any medications, but I really struggle with them.

It's feel like I'm on another planet, or bawl my eyes out every time I see a lost puppy on Facebook. Doesn't feel like there's much in between.

And it does make it hard to pay attention to much of anything. I probably shouldn't be driving half the time, but I don't have any alternatives. Honestly that's when I listen to audiobooks. If I'm going to feel like I'm on another world, I could at least enjoy the story. That seems like the one thing I can pay attention to mostly. Does your writing or art help?

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

22 hours ago, coldfuzion76 said:

Man, I totally get the disassociation feelings. I don't know if you're on any medications, but I really struggle with them.

It's feel like I'm on another planet, or bawl my eyes out every time I see a lost puppy on Facebook. Doesn't feel like there's much in between.

And it does make it hard to pay attention to much of anything. I probably shouldn't be driving half the time, but I don't have any alternatives. Honestly that's when I listen to audiobooks. If I'm going to feel like I'm on another world, I could at least enjoy the story. That seems like the one thing I can pay attention to mostly. Does your writing or art help?

To be honest, I use the word "dissociation" because I think it describes or is similar to what I experience, but I also have a sort of perfectionism for definitions in that I feel I must perfectly understand the word/term I'm using before using it, or provide clarification or uncertainty ("or something") because I don't want to be wrong and I don't really know if I'm using the thing right or if I can claim it, etc. Even using the word "perfectionism" and claiming to have it is subject/victim to this...

But aaaaanywayyyy, yeah I'm on meds- in general. I don't know if any ate specifically for dissociation feelings - if there even are any for that - or if the general ones like depression meds or whatever help with that in general.

I don't know if I relate specifically to that ('nother planet, lost pups), but... I guess it (or something) feels like I'm withdrawn to/in my mind, and don't interact fully with the world/other people. I feel depressed perhaps then, and don't want to interact cuz then they'll probably notice. I'm thinking a lot, I can get sick or maybe dizzy or... idk. Maybe it's "just" ruminating- though even that I don't know much about, or what it is or if I experience it and how to tell.

How do I remember things- thoughts, specifically? While writing this, I've been (trying) to think back to a specific situation I had sometime last week or the one before, and maybe I'm just distracted and can't devote my focus to it since I'm writing at once, but I can only remember a brief glimpse before my mind moves away from it. I have a single flash and then it's gone, and I can return, sort of, but it just goes away again after that same flash. I can create some memory of it, but can't examine and remember if it is accurate- if I *actually* thought, felt, etc. that.

Oh, I suppose I didn't - and should - say the situation. It was in group [therapy], and I barely participated (as has been the case more recently...). And I was tired and drifting and such, and - not just in that one day, it was more a collection of days I'm remembering - I realized a few times that "these people are real, what they are saying has actually happened- it's not just some distant or fictitious tale from some stranger; it happened to someone who is alive, like me." Of course, I don't always feel alive - or at least I like to say I don't (i.e., I like to say I feel dead or am not / don't feel alive) - but... idk, it was odd. Perhaps empathy, I'm now wondering. Or sonder. Or derealization, or anything or nothing or everything. I don't know if I *wanted* to know/feel that it was real, though. I don't know, the memories and thoughts are slipping thru my fingers.

For your last paragraph, sometimes I just can't focus on the audiobook or movie or whatever, though. I do write - though have done little to none in the past days or week or however long. I occasionally do art, though I rarely if ever have intent or meaning behind it. I have trouble deciding whether or not something - something I do, a medication, therapy, etc. - helps or not, which is kinda annoying/hard when I meet with my Dr. about meds. I thought about what I was going to say next a day or more ago: I do things that are harmful but I either don't know or I enjoy it or something, then sometimes I realize it's harmful when I thought it not, or I knew all along. Sometimes it's even reversed. But anyway, this leads me - I think - to question things... Both "how do I know this is *actually* helpful, or I just like doing it?" and "how can I take the sum total of my experiences and thoughts - both past and recent and present - to come to any conclusion about the effectiveness (or lack thereof, or opposite thereof) of this medication?" And sometimes I just think there are alternative causes for any change present after starting a new med. Sigh.

So, I don't know. I write, maybe it helps maybe not, maybe sometimes it does and other times not. I'd like to think it does, but.. yeah.

So  uhmmm yep.

[coldfuzion76 he/him]

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

To be honest, I use the word "dissociation" because I think it describes or is similar to what I experience, but I also have a sort of perfectionism for definitions in that I feel I must perfectly understand the word/term I'm using before using it, or provide clarification or uncertainty ("or something") because I don't want to be wrong and I don't really know if I'm using the thing right or if I can claim it, etc. Even using the word "perfectionism" and claiming to have it is subject/victim to this...

But aaaaanywayyyy, yeah I'm on meds- in general. I don't know if any ate specifically for dissociation feelings - if there even are any for that - or if the general ones like depression meds or whatever help with that in general.

I don't know if I relate specifically to that ('nother planet, lost pups), but... I guess it (or something) feels like I'm withdrawn to/in my mind, and don't interact fully with the world/other people. I feel depressed perhaps then, and don't want to interact cuz then they'll probably notice. I'm thinking a lot, I can get sick or maybe dizzy or... idk. Maybe it's "just" ruminating- though even that I don't know much about, or what it is or if I experience it and how to tell.

How do I remember things- thoughts, specifically? While writing this, I've been (trying) to think back to a specific situation I had sometime last week or the one before, and maybe I'm just distracted and can't devote my focus to it since I'm writing at once, but I can only remember a brief glimpse before my mind moves away from it. I have a single flash and then it's gone, and I can return, sort of, but it just goes away again after that same flash. I can create some memory of it, but can't examine and remember if it is accurate- if I *actually* thought, felt, etc. that.

Oh, I suppose I didn't - and should - say the situation. It was in group [therapy], and I barely participated (as has been the case more recently...). And I was tired and drifting and such, and - not just in that one day, it was more a collection of days I'm remembering - I realized a few times that "these people are real, what they are saying has actually happened- it's not just some distant or fictitious tale from some stranger; it happened to someone who is alive, like me." Of course, I don't always feel alive - or at least I like to say I don't (i.e., I like to say I feel dead or am not / don't feel alive) - but... idk, it was odd. Perhaps empathy, I'm now wondering. Or sonder. Or derealization, or anything or nothing or everything. I don't know if I *wanted* to know/feel that it was real, though. I don't know, the memories and thoughts are slipping thru my fingers.

For your last paragraph, sometimes I just can't focus on the audiobook or movie or whatever, though. I do write - though have done little to none in the past days or week or however long. I occasionally do art, though I rarely if ever have intent or meaning behind it. I have trouble deciding whether or not something - something I do, a medication, therapy, etc. - helps or not, which is kinda annoying/hard when I meet with my Dr. about meds. I thought about what I was going to say next a day or more ago: I do things that are harmful but I either don't know or I enjoy it or something, then sometimes I realize it's harmful when I thought it not, or I knew all along. Sometimes it's even reversed. But anyway, this leads me - I think - to question things... Both "how do I know this is *actually* helpful, or I just like doing it?" and "how can I take the sum total of my experiences and thoughts - both past and recent and present - to come to any conclusion about the effectiveness (or lack thereof, or opposite thereof) of this medication?" And sometimes I just think there are alternative causes for any change present after starting a new med. Sigh.

So, I don't know. I write, maybe it helps maybe not, maybe sometimes it does and other times not. I'd like to think it does, but.. yeah.

So  uhmmm yep.

Disassociation has been my biggest complaint about basically ALL meds that I've tried. Some are better, some are worse. It seems like if they work for my anxiety, they make me feel like a space cadet. I don't think anyone has ever told me about a medication for that, but maybe it exists. I'm in the process of finding new meds with my doc now anyway. It does sound like what you're experiencing, maybe with some depression making you not even want to feel present and accounted for. I get that too, for sure.

The times when it gets real bad, I try to find something that I enjoy to do, but like you said, sometimes that's hard to decide what I even want to do, so I wind up doing nothing and then feeling guilty about it. I get it.