12-2-2024-"A song for silence" sub 8-ginger_reckoning-L-4411 words

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all! Hope yall had a wonderful november, and I'm glad to be back. This submission is going to be a little bit weird, I apologize, but I included some notes at the top of this submission that hopefully help it make sense. 

 

Only tags are for language this time, and I think probably some sexual references and threats of violence, but no violence or disturbing imagery this time. 

 

Thanks again!

[Appol PhD they/he]

No worries with the weirdness of submission; makes me feel better about throwing in a submission I didn’t polish much. And from the notes of what you cut I agree that it’s better that we’re jumping back more into the meat of things.

Overall: I think this works better than the previous recent submissions because especially the first half focuses on the dynamic between S, L, and A. Those relationships rather than the plot with the floating city are what actually determines what happens to the characters and the world, so I think it’s important that they stay at the forefront of the story like this. My one comment on the first scene is that I think we need a bit more info or hanging a lantern on the mystery of what the discussion between L and A’s mom is about and why L cares about it so dearly. I’m thinking something along the lines of Game of Thrones where Ned keeps going back to his promise to his sister and the sacrifices he’s made because of it in a way that highlights his emotions while keeping the mystery alive, if you’re familiar with that.

The second half also has some good character moments, but to me it still feels like the story is prioritizing the plot with the floating city over the character dynamics because that’s where the clear development happens, and again I’d prefer a greater focus on development in the character dynamic between L and A instead. Like I said the character moments are good but the actual conflict in their relationship that matters is L’s big lie to A which doesn’t develop in this scene since A doesn’t directly get closer to learning the truth. Hopefully that all makes sense.

As I go:

Pg 3. Ooh the fact that L met A as a baby is a fun reveal that helps some of my questions about why L cares so much about her. Would be great to hang a lantern on this earlier to foreshadow this reveal.

Pg 4-5. I like the back and forth here but a rule of thumb I’ve had to learn in my own work is that dialogue paragraphs this long usually need to be tightened up. Here L feels a bit rambly, and while I can tell the spitballing is intentional it does slow the pace.

Pg 7. I think I figured out that S is talking about the front it will put up if it accompanies A but the top paragraph here confused me a bit.

-Random worldbuilding question: if this city is so powerful than why hasn’t it conquered everything? Could be useful to delve into, especially since I imagine the global instability would make some factions want to be proactive beyond just hunting down S.

Pg 8. This is a good scene overall. Ever since the reveal that L could destroy S at any time most of the events haven’t felt too relevant for plot outcomes but this here does hit on the dynamic that really matters for the story.

 Pg 10. Could be WRS or the cut content but I’m not sure why A feels the need to resort to drugging L.

Pg 12-13. So A also made copies? Did she plan to go on her own with the invitation and leave a copy behind so L would think she didn’t?

Pg 15. So A also knows that S is trapped here, but doesn’t know that L can destroy it and thinks that she can destroy it by bringing it to the city? Again might be the cut content and WRS but I’m having a bit of a tricky time figuring out who’s doing what and why.

[Mandamon he/him]

Similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts on this one. I thought the character development was something that had been missing in previous chapters and it finally gave us a good insight into the characters. I'm also not really interested in the plot with going to the city. I'm much more interested in how these characters interact while they do that.

Notes while reading:

pg 5: Good conversation through here. Actually having these two talk brings up some of the issues that were glossed over at the beginning of the story.

pg 5: “Last I remember you were, like, making fart jokes while you killed people.” 
--which sort of sums up the issues I've had with the story so far.

pg 8 "was afraid of a little blackmail. How humiliating."
--Couldn't she just tell A that S might tell her those "lies" and head it off?

pg 9: I don't think the bandages have been mentioned in a while?

pg 15: the staring paragraph starts to get long...

Some good character moments between all three in this chapter. I think this is one of your better ones, simply because we learn a lot more about how everyone thinks. Having some more moments like this near the beginning would really help fix A and L's relationship.

[Silk she/her]

P3 “..an impression of a startled cat.” Lol at the description. Also, it’s good that we’re getting an emotional hook here, but I’m not super-invested in it yet, since we don’t have any sense whatsoever of what it is.

Edit: it’s sort of explained down the page, but I’m still not totally sure why L thinks it’s a bad thing/S thinks this gives it leverage. If there’s more to the lie than “I never mentioned that I met your mother when you were young” it would be helpful to have hints of that, and why that affects S’s predicament.

P4 “So it didn’t remember the meeting entirely” maybe WRS or something that was skipped, but I don’t know what this is referring to

At the end of the conversation between L and S, I find myself wondering what’s changed – the power dynamic did a lot of flip-flopping back and forth, which is potentially fine, but I’m not certain about where it landed.

P9 I was taken aback at the talk of “letting” A go to the city; I had the impression from the previous scene that this had been decided, even though L wasn’t happy about it.

 P15 Confused. Is this another fake?

Overall: I’m interested in this as a setup, but don’t feel like I have a good sense of where it’s going, which makes it a little harder to get invested. I want a better idea of what different people are trying to do (even if I’m wrong) so I can look forward to it with anticipatory dread! But, I’m still busy trying to figure out what pieces go where.

I am nursing a secret theory that S has taken over A?

On 12/4/2024 at 3:22 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

 Pg 10. Could be WRS or the cut content but I’m not sure why A feels the need to resort to drugging L.

I also stumbled on this. Pretty similar thoughts to Ace and Mandamon this time, all around.

[ginger_reckoning]

On 1/3/2025 at 2:04 PM, Silk said:

P4 “So it didn’t remember the meeting entirely” maybe WRS or something that was skipped, but I don’t know what this is referring to

Not wrs, but this ispossibly too cryptic haha. 

 

On 1/3/2025 at 2:04 PM, Silk said:

P15 Confused. Is this another fake?

Fair!

 

On 12/4/2024 at 4:22 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Would be great to hang a lantern on this earlier to foreshadow this reveal.

Oh, interesting, yeah I think this would be good to add

 

On 12/4/2024 at 4:22 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

I think this works better than the previous recent submissions because especially the first half focuses on the dynamic between S, L, and A. Those relationships rather than the plot with the floating city are what actually determines what happens to the characters and the world, so I think it’s important that they stay at the forefront of the story like this

It seems like this is the consensus, which is good to hear I guess! I agree that not knowing where theplot is going is a big problem in this draft. I'll need to think of ways to make this more interesting, sooner. 

 

On 12/5/2024 at 3:23 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8 "was afraid of a little blackmail. How humiliating."
--Couldn't she just tell A that S might tell her those "lies" and head it off?

true

 

On 1/3/2025 at 2:04 PM, Silk said:

Pg 10. Could be WRS or the cut content but I’m not sure why A feels the need to resort to drugging L.

haha yeah, probably will cut this. Thanks everyone!