8/19/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Subset sub 32, 3966 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We're continuing the climactic confrontation here, so this section is especially important to come across well. As always, I'm curious to see what people think!

[ginger_reckoning]

So I haven't read the rest of this book obviously, but since you gave my short story a critique I thought I would give this a look

Overall, don't have much context but I really like it! The psychic powers are very cool, and the characters and setting seem very unique. I was also not expecting the debate on gender issues and the complexities of the oppressed becoming oppressors in turn, but I really liked it. 

My main thing overall is that I wasn't getting as much of a sense of strong emotion as it seemed the events warranted. Now that could just be because I haven't read the rest and I am not as emotionally invested in the characters, but it seemed like there was just a lot of logical statements of facts from characters, and there were very few descriptors of facial expressions or dialogue tags other than "said" even when it seems like a shout or a cry would be appropriate. Now this could just be because they are supposed to be stoic soldiers but personally I think a few gasps of shock or growls of anger or whatever thrown in would make me more invested in how dangerous these events are for the characters. 

Overall though, I think it's very cool! And congrats on getting to the end of a book! 

Okay, so I haven’t read the rest of the book, so I’ll try to make sure that my comments reflect that and probably just focus on the LBL stuff, anyways, hopping in

(Also I don't know why its bold but it's not letting me change it lol)

 

P1- First off, the names are unique, but they look to all be 3+ syllables, which at least for me can get a little mentally tiring. I think that especially in a tense situation like this they might shorten some of these longer names to a single syllable? Sorry, very nitpicky I know

 

“Maybe he could-” second paragraph in a row ended in an em dash break.

 

“X, what do we do?” hahaha okay I see the nickname thing is addressed

(unrelated but every time I see G’s name it makes me imagine Glados from portal) 

 

P2 “right thing to do” very nice

 

P3 “As dodged most of them” typo here on A’s name

 

P4”it’s really me here?” you can cut the word “here”, second use is extraneous

 

P5 “For accepting that I might…” damn. Felt that

 

P8” get attacked” XD

 

P12 “these lines you’ve drawn…” nice

 

Was not expecting this debate on gender and social issues but I like it

[Silk she/her]

 

p1 "You barbarians broke the console" - I thought G had tapped into their headsets? They've already stated outright that this happened. 

p3 "You're fighting a child down there." Wait, is M fighting A, or C? 

I'm also confused as to whether A is looking at M through the psyglass floor or they're in the same physical space. Some clarification on the blocking and overall physicality would be helpful. 

p9 "D had died for nothing." Another point of confusion here: is he actually dead ? his exoskeleton has shattered, but the last line focusing on him made it seem like he was still alive, if only for the moment. 

Edit: Ah, I see this is addressed a few lines later. Still, maybe make it "he was dying" or "was going to die" or similar, for clarity's sake?

"...his body vanishing to sparkles" Wait is this how people usually die? Because if so... I missed that.

Overall: I like the conclusion that A finally comes to in this chapter, but it feels a little artificial - I think maybe there is just a missing stepping stone for A to come to the conclusion she finally does about how to defeat B, something that comes from somewhere other than her own mind. Even if it's just seeing monsters ready to overrun the townsfolk or something, just to give her a nudge.

My other stumbling block here was that this felt somewhat repetitive compared to the last chapter, where A was also still struggling against B and felt hopeless about trying to break down her ideology. One option would be to combine the two chapters so it feels like we don't get the same arc twice in a row. Another option might be to have A come to the conclusion she does earlier in the chapter and change the focus so that she's trying to get away from B to put her new plan into action. Otherwise it just feels like we hit the same emotional beat twice. 

No concerns other than that! I think this will all shape up to an exciting conclusion once you've had the chance to smooth out the earlier bits to support the climax.

[Mandamon he/him]

Okay, so late to the party as seems my lot for this year, but I'm reviewing this and the next sub at the same time:

Agree with @Silk that some of this is repetitive, especially with X's sections. I think combining some of the events in the last chapters would be a good idea on the next pass. Most of this is going pretty smoothly toward the conclusion, however!

Notes while reading:

pg 2: Most of these two pages seem to set up the revelation that X is going to do the right thing, but that's what we've been seeing from him the whole time. I'm not sure this is really necessary this close to the end.

pg 5: Good resolution with A and M.

pg 6: "I brought him back to the surface"
--I'm a little hazy on the blocking through these pages. Probably because it's been forever since I read the last chapter, but I think there needs to be some more description through here of where they are and how it's connected to the beach, town, etc.

pg 9: "Her hands were bound"
--Nice surprising yet inevitable moment.

pg 10: "D promised to help take out S’s real killer."
--I think that was a while ago...I don't remember it offhand.

pg 13: Some more of the gender and society dynamics here. I think it could be a good thesis for the story if it's supported a lot stronger from the begining.

pg 15: Nice twist at the end!