7.08.24 - Jamesbondsmith - Orders Up - V, G

[jamesbondsmith He/him]

Hi, submitting a short story here (just under 2200 words).

I've got plans to do more in this world, and I already got good results from a different story in this world in another competition so I thought I'd try another one. I took one line from the first story because I quite liked it.

 

Spoiler

For those who preferred to be protected before their throats were ripped out, garlic or onion breath was the way to go

Can people tell me if it's too close to being 'unoriginal'? I wrote that line, but it was published (very small press) so I thought it might be a grey area.

If anyone who works/has worked in kitchens notices I've got anything wrong about kitchen environments please let me know. I cook a lot at home, but my experience working in restaurants is limited to waiter/dishie and even that was a long time ago. Some of this did come from just a place of being frustrated with customer service jobs, hopefully it isn't over the top.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: Looks like nobody got to you in time for the competition; sorry about that! Hopefully the feedback will still be helpful.

This is a fun little read about being a low-level exploited worker when there’s a supernatural incident going on. In response to the concern that it’s over the top I don’t think it is—if anything I think it could serve to be more over the top absurdist to distract from the violence that’s happening here.

Overall for me the biggest disconnect is between the ideas of the apprentice being a downtrodden exploited worker and the actual danger here being the vampire attacks. It feels like the story wants us to focus on how the work environment is keeping the apprentice down but the vampire attack seems like both the bigger issue and something that isn’t really the restaurant’s fault given that this seems to be a fairly common thing and the apprentice isn’t on the front lines against vampires more than anyone else. I did wonder if this is commentary on covid (a danger to both customers and frontline workers who are likely to be vulnerable and exploited), but even if it is I think there needs to be more work connecting the vampire danger the apprentice is in to his status as a low-level worker who’s exploited by the higher-ups. This is where my earlier comment about making the story more over the top and absurdist comes in—if everything is over the top then I’ll fixate less on the vampire violence trumping everything else. Though of course that’s only one of many directions the story could take.  

Best of luck in revision!

As I go:

Pg 1. This is a fun conceit! I think If we’re going to be following the apprentice I think it’s important to start with him right away so that the first page doesn’t feel like too much background exposition.

Pg 2. It’s good that we have a dream for this character though I think it could be more specific. Knowing that he wants to become a master chef doesn’t cue me into his characterization that much more.

-The narration here makes me think this is contemporary, which I think could be clearer in the first page description of the vampires.

Pg 3. The vampire conceit is fun but right now it doesn’t feel necessary for the story. If this restaurant happens to be busy for mundane reasons rather than supernatural ones it doesn’t really change the story so far, so I’d like to see more integration of the supernatural elements given the time devoted to their setup.

Pg 4-5. Aha there’s the vampire integration I wanted. What I need to know is how common this is, and it could be nice to get a sentence or two about the systems that allow this to happen (if this is modern day, why can’t the military/law enforcement etc. handle this?)

Pg 6. I like the themes focusing on how the apprentice is being exploited as a worker, and the vampire threat seems to contradict that since the real danger is some monster coming in and draining him.

[Mandamon he/him]

So sorry for getting back late. I've been at WorldCon the past week in Glasgow.

Overall, similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts. I think trimming the first half to give more room for the fight and for a bigger resolution at the end will help.

 

Notes while reading:

Pg 2: so interesting start to this, and it seems like the world likes italian food as a defense against vampires, but the focus switched away to the apprentice and a focus on food prep, which isn't as interesting.

Pg 4: we have a little more here on defenses against vampires...

Pg 4: Aha! we have vampires.

Pg 7: This is a fun story, but I think it takes too long to get off the ground. Cutting some of the descriptions of kitchen duty would leave more room for vampires and little more action pitting the apprentice against the lead vampire. I felt it was over a little too soon.

[Silk she/her]

Welcome back @jamesbondsmith! Sorry I didn't get to this in time for the competition, but I hope this is helpful if you decide to do anything further with the story. I read the slightly updated version you provided me over email. 

P2 “Didn’t mean he wouldn’t spray his hands right after though.” Wasn’t sure what was meant here—spray his hands with what? Why?

P3 “the deadly words of employment” also not sure what this means. Is this the thing where you’re just resisting the urge to tell your boss to eff off?

P4 “…his long-winded spiel about his latest achievement.” Heh. This is a great, efficient illustration of who this side character is in not many words.

P5 “incinerating one of the vampires in a flash” – this was much more effective than I would have suspected!

P6 “…as the vampire’s own speed and strength forced the wooden stake…” Two questions: I thought she was holding a statue? And, did this vampire just throw himself on her weapon?

The word “m*rons” is a slur (something I learned only a couple years ago myself!). Doesn’t mean you can’t use it, of course, but FYI.

P7 “…the smoking liquid” did someone set the pickling brine on fire somehow? If so I missed that.

“He grabbed his sandwich…” he grabs his sandwich twice in this paragraph.

I love the tongue-in-cheek of the last line.

There are a few lines read with a similar sardonic humour, but definitely not the whole thing. Depending on the tone you’re going for, this could potentially be leaned into a little more (or less!)

Overall: I enjoyed the piece, it read well for the most part. I do think there may be room for a little trimming here and there, particularly in the first couple pages—the details about how the restaurant works were vivid and good scene setting, but went on just long enough that my attention started to wander a bit.

My major curiosity in the early bit was trying to figure out what “the apprentice” actually does, as he isn’t given a specific place in the restaurant at any point, though he apparently could have been a head cook? I figured it out before the ending of the piece where it’s clarified, so I think this mostly works, but a few more hints at what he does in the first few pages might be helpful and serve to keep readers engaged.

The other thing I wondered about was whether the common vampire repellants—garlic, crucifixes, etc, actually work? The piece seems to hint that they don’t, since the vampires we see don’t seem to have much of a problem with either. If they don’t work, is that something the apprentice knows about?

On 8/6/2024 at 11:02 AM, jamesbondsmith said:

Can people tell me if it's too close to being 'unoriginal'? I wrote that line, but it was published (very small press) so I thought it might be a grey area.

As far as I know this wouldn't cause any copyright issues (though I'm not an expert) but if I were a reader and encountered the same line in two stories by the same author it would definitely catch my attention as odd. Maybe change the line so that it reads as clearly a reference but not an exact copy? 

[jamesbondsmith He/him]

On 8/31/2024 at 4:27 AM, Silk said:

Welcome back @jamesbondsmith! Sorry I didn't get to this in time for the competition, but I hope this is helpful if you decide to do anything further with the story. I read the slightly updated version you provided me over email. 

P2 “Didn’t mean he wouldn’t spray his hands right after though.” Wasn’t sure what was meant here—spray his hands with what? Why?

P3 “the deadly words of employment” also not sure what this means. Is this the thing where you’re just resisting the urge to tell your boss to eff off?

P4 “…his long-winded spiel about his latest achievement.” Heh. This is a great, efficient illustration of who this side character is in not many words.

P5 “incinerating one of the vampires in a flash” – this was much more effective than I would have suspected!

P6 “…as the vampire’s own speed and strength forced the wooden stake…” Two questions: I thought she was holding a statue? And, did this vampire just throw himself on her weapon?

The word “m*rons” is a slur (something I learned only a couple years ago myself!). Doesn’t mean you can’t use it, of course, but FYI.

P7 “…the smoking liquid” did someone set the pickling brine on fire somehow? If so I missed that.

“He grabbed his sandwich…” he grabs his sandwich twice in this paragraph.

I love the tongue-in-cheek of the last line.

There are a few lines read with a similar sardonic humour, but definitely not the whole thing. Depending on the tone you’re going for, this could potentially be leaned into a little more (or less!)

Overall: I enjoyed the piece, it read well for the most part. I do think there may be room for a little trimming here and there, particularly in the first couple pages—the details about how the restaurant works were vivid and good scene setting, but went on just long enough that my attention started to wander a bit.

My major curiosity in the early bit was trying to figure out what “the apprentice” actually does, as he isn’t given a specific place in the restaurant at any point, though he apparently could have been a head cook? I figured it out before the ending of the piece where it’s clarified, so I think this mostly works, but a few more hints at what he does in the first few pages might be helpful and serve to keep readers engaged.

The other thing I wondered about was whether the common vampire repellants—garlic, crucifixes, etc, actually work? The piece seems to hint that they don’t, since the vampires we see don’t seem to have much of a problem with either. If they don’t work, is that something the apprentice knows about?

As far as I know this wouldn't cause any copyright issues (though I'm not an expert) but if I were a reader and encountered the same line in two stories by the same author it would definitely catch my attention as odd. Maybe change the line so that it reads as clearly a reference but not an exact copy? 

I hope I don't come off as being defensive, but here's some replies to your issues, please let me know if they make sense with the explanation or if they could use elaboration.

'Spraying hands' was a reference to the high-pressure hoses kitchens use (not sure if they all had it, the ones I've worked in do) that staff use to remove the worst of the stains.

'Deadly words' is something along those lines, I was thinking 'that's not my job/but I'm on break'.

The statues were meant to evoke the vampires and wooden stakes association, with the stakes being repurposed into statues that still have points to be used if needed.

The 'smoking liquid' was meant to evoke a violent, acidic sort of reaction.

 

I feel like the main thrust of the worldbuilding is that all alliums (including garlic) are a very useful deterrent, sounds like I'll have to rework it to make that clearer. I'm still working on the worldbuilding for the longer version I plan to write, but currently I don't plan on crucifixes having much effect, as the purely magical elements don't feel like they fit all that well (although then the mirrors and the salt may not work either).

I was trying to convey an apprentice who just gets put on the odd jobs, and the part about the potential head chef was meant to refer to the coworker. I'll have to clear that up.

In terms of tone, I kind of wanted it to lean towards a 'dramedy' type thing, as I wanted a vampire story but the premise does seem to lend itself to a more comedic tone.

[Silk she/her]

On 9/1/2024 at 1:13 PM, jamesbondsmith said:

please let me know if they make sense with the explanation or if they could use elaboration.

This all makes sense, was just stuff I stumbled on reading. It might be worth clearing up especially if you have other readers who stumble in the same places. 

On 9/1/2024 at 1:13 PM, jamesbondsmith said:

'Deadly words' is something along those lines, I was thinking 'that's not my job/but I'm on break'.

For this one, I got here so it might be fine, just had a moment of hesitancy while reading.

On 9/1/2024 at 1:13 PM, jamesbondsmith said:

The statues were meant to evoke the vampires and wooden stakes association, with the stakes being repurposed into statues that still have points to be used if needed.

Could probably clear this one up easily with a reference to the pointy end of the statue, or similar? It's now been a minute since I read it so I don't remember if the statues are ever described as having sharp points.

On 9/1/2024 at 1:13 PM, jamesbondsmith said:

The 'smoking liquid' was meant to evoke a violent, acidic sort of reaction.

I think my confusion here was I wasn't sure what caused the reaction, i.e. if it was already smoking, if it was because it came into contact with the vampire, etc. 

On 9/1/2024 at 1:13 PM, jamesbondsmith said:

I feel like the main thrust of the worldbuilding is that all alliums (including garlic) are a very useful deterrent, sounds like I'll have to rework it to make that clearer.

I like this idea, and this seemed very clear to me early on--partly because you mentioned that consuming the blood of people with alliums in their system would lead to a bad allergic reaction for the vampire. My confusion came when the vampires came in and this didn't seem to have the effect that you'd mentioned earlier, I became unsure whether it was misdirection, like an unreliable/misinformed narrator situation.