6/10/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 27, 3923 words (VL)

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone,

 

We're back in A's PoV this time, with this chapter focusing on the buildup to the big midpoint crisis of the act. Not many other comments this time, so I'll cut myself off there. Thanks!

[Mandamon he/him]

Aha! Actually got to this one before a full week...

So it looks like we're getting everyone together for the big finish, but I feel this section drags a bit. There's a lot of walking a talking, and the villain is...stupid? A says it herself. I'm not really sure where it's going at this point, mainly because we don't know enough about the function of the government to know what's going on. G is almost a caricature, so I'm assuming she's going to get killed off or something soon. 

I wonder if combining this and the last couple chapters, with A learning about the factories, and then H picking her up directly from there might lend a bit more tension?

 

Notes while reading:

 

The first couple pages are a bit of "as you know Bob" with rehashing all the facts A learned. I think it's good to spell everything out here, just to keep things straight, but I wonder if they can be a bit smoother?

pg 2: "caused by the military complex"
--ok, didn't remember this part.

pg 6: I still never got a good idea of how the islands are set up. I'm not sure where these tunnels are in relation to anything else, or how close the city is to the beach where the soldiers were training.

pg 9: I wonder if there could be a little more emotion through here? A is chatting with the killer that's stalker her the last third of the book, and the creepy things he says are remarked on, but there's not any reaction from anyone.

pg 9: "What? M couldn’t drop that fact in such a casual way and expect the conversation to keep flowing."
--Exactly. A needs to know this now, which is why I think she would be a better character for the last couple chapters than X.

pg 11: but isn't H supposed to be a secret assassin? How is he taken as the model for masculinity?

pg 12: There's a lot of walking and talking about philosophy, but I feel we should have a little more tension here. We also dont't know anything about G, who is I assume leading the people in the coup against the queen. It would be good to see her before now.

pg 13: "Threatening? Smart? Competent? Yeah, all of the above."
--ah, yes. That's also the impression I'm getting. Could we have a tense scene with a more threatening person instead?

pg 15: Hm. Yeah, I'm not sure where this is going. The villain here doesn't seem very smart. Despite H being in the chapter, there wasn't that much tension. I want to react more to the ending than I am.

[Silk she/her]

Probably unsurprisingly, I have similar thoughts to @Mandamon here. 

On 6/13/2024 at 7:44 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "Threatening? Smart? Competent? Yeah, all of the above."
--ah, yes. That's also the impression I'm getting. Could we have a tense scene with a more threatening person instead?

I like this idea. I think it's potentially fine to have G as sort of a stupid villain as long as we have someone scary, but H is presented as mostly a tool of other people rather than a villain as such, while B isn't here, so with G being presented this way in this scene it feels like there's no one to really drive the tension. 

As I read:

P1: The conversation between M and A about the queen sending soldiers to their deaths – still wondering why the queen doesn’t have more power than she does and how B exerts this influence over this whole institution.

P2: “…the truth is that it was caused by the military complex that he was the mere figurehead of.” Maybe WRS, but was this actually stated at any point? This feels like new information. Also, again has me wondering about how little power the purported rulers seem to hold.

“But don’t think I’m expecting you to get through to B with words.” So does A actually have a plan? A hasn’t said much and M isn’t asking for specifics.

P5 “I’m capable of putting my faith in people I try to help.” That’s all well and good, but C really has no training or anything on this, so it feels like A’s allowing him to tag along and put himself in danger for no good reason.

P7: A has already acknowledged that she’s freely walking into a trap, so the conversation with H here feels like it’s dragging. Maybe a shortened version of the conversation to show the other side is ready for them/heighten the feeling of danger somehow without spending too long on it? Right now it mostly serves to remind us how twisted H’s point of view is, which we already know.

P12 “It’s to prevent psionics… you need to have free hands to use them.” Two questions – one, did A not know this already? And two, why is she now thinking about defeating B in a fight, given her earlier talk about needing to defeat B’s ideology (especially when B isn’t even here)?

Overall: My thoughts are really a continuation of what I’ve been feeling for the last couple chapters, which is that I’m still trying to understand how the ministry/soldierly institutions work, why they hold so much power over the queens/emperors of the setting, and the nuances of the gender ideologies of the different characters. I like that we have chapters ending on reveals and/or twists as we build toward the conclusion, I can definitely see the structure of how things are escalating, but I’m still struggling to get a feel for all these big-picture things, so while the bones are there, the reveals and twists are hitting less hard than they could.  

Edited June 17 by Silk