4/22/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 23, 4492 words (VL)

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for the feedback on the last submission! In revisions I'll try to have the discussion answer some of the questions raised by the comments. For this submission, we're getting into the meat of act 3, and I'm most curious to see if by the end of the chapter the emotional hook for the interpersonal relationship between A and M comes across.

 

Thanks!

[Silk she/her]

“So that’s what the reality bubble they were in was called” – I think I missed it actually being named?

P2 “…couldn’t summon her exoskeleton without…” I thought she’d already summoned it, only de-summoning the weapons?

P3 “…being given field orders” I mean, I’m also a little surprised that A now trusts M as much as she apparently does. The fact that someone else in the group proved to be untrustworthy doesn’t necessarily mean M is trustworthy.

P4 “Can’t keep tabs on him while he’s restrained.” Au contraire, wouldn’t being restrained make it easier to keep tabs on him? 

P5 “And then I’ll kill them too.” Mmm. I assume the hypocrisy here is quite on purpose.

P6 “He stiffened, but didn’t dodge…” So was he just standing there while A decided what to do with him?

Wait. Am I misremembering, or didn’t H-from-the-interludes kill H-who-killed-Celosia last chapter?

P8 “…not when this boy already knew so much about her.” Does he? All he’s said about her is she’s “supposed to be legendary.”

P9 “Are you better than but not…” a couple of missing words throughout this line of dialogue, I think.

P12 “Some kid named Hex…” I don’t think he introduced himself…

P13: Do neither Jac nor Ix have specific laws about capital punishment, how to handle treason/rioting/murder etc? A and M seem to be having this discussion about whether or not to kill the soldiers in the absence of any larger cultural expectations about what to do with them.

P14: Pronouns for M had shifted to they/them after they announced they were agender, but shift back to she/her here.

I am having a hard time remembering who Fluo is.

P16: “Not the one who died under…” I think the reminder is good and necessary given all the clones running around, but having A just blurt out the whole story here felt a little “as you know, Bob.” Just a little finessing to make the reminder feel more natural, I think.

Overall: I like the reveal at the end of the chapter, and the emotional weight that you give the last line, but once again I feel like this could have used more setup. I didn’t really get a sense of “I know you better than I should” from M before now, and the “I want to save P” thread seems to have been dropped/resolved after the on-screen death for P that we did see. (I suspect more emphasis on this will also make the emotional hook come across more strongly--it will feel like a continuation of an existing thread and not re-opening a conflict we thought we had closed.) I’m interested to see where it goes, but don’t have a good sense yet the potential shape of the conflicts to come.  

Edited April 23 by Silk

[Mandamon he/him]

Similar notes, as usual, to @Silk on this one. I don't think there's enough buildup or hints for the emotional beats here. There's several large reveals in this chapter, ones that affect most of the book, and I don't think any of them land with the impact they need to. Especially the last one with M's reveal. 

There's a deeper core to this book about gender and who we think we are, but it sort of gets buried in the background. I think a lot of focus at the beginning on how genders are split up and how they're perceived will add a lot to this.

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "So that’s what the reality bubble they were in was called?"
--What is this referring to?

pg 2: "Like how I should come out to you as agender."
--I mean, ok, but I think I need some context why a god needs to advise this? It sort of sounds like this is an authorial comment that couldn't find another place. Not that it isn't important, but it doesn't seem important here...

pg 4: "I’m going to go down there and fight H."
--Isn't he...in a group of people?

pg 6: I don't have a lot of connection with H as a villain, so this victory doesn't really hit that hard...

pg 11: This is the guy from the first interlude, right? I'm still not sure what purpose he has in the story, so I'm losing the effect, especially from a fight this drawn out. I"m glad A figured out how to change weapons, but I'm not sure what fighting or killing this person does for the story.

pg 12: "That does explain how H was able to take I"
--what does? I think I'm missing some connection.

pg 13: "It doesn’t feel right to kill them."
--I feel like thi aspect is dragging out a bit in this chapter. They're more or less in a kill or be killed situation. I don't think the warriors would have a problem attacking them. Why is A having such anxiety about this? She's killed before, was a warrior, and knows it might be required in this situation.

pg 16: "the one who taught me everything when I was a soldier.” 
--Wait. Did we know this before? I feel like this moment should have a lot of impact, but I don't remember that fact coming up before. Or maybe that was just way back in the first part?