9/25/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 8, 3295 words (LV)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hey everyone!

 

Thanks for your feedback last week. Including this, we have I believe four more submissions left in part 1, which will resolve the arc about A dealing with the deserters. The buildup to that point can often be tricky, so I'm curious to hear suggestions!

[Mandamon he/him]

Nice character building here, which is your strongest skill. We get a lot of good information about several people, though I wanted a little more about if A recognized M (and the healer) from before. It seemed like she did, but I didn't get a lot about with the cutoff name.

Edit: oooooh, was/is she trans? That would make more sense with the emphasis on "woman" and cutting off the name. If so, it might be good to slip another hint in there.

Overall, a nice submission that moves both plot and characters along. good job!

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: another fight scene here. I still don't think I have a good enough grasp on the individual powers to know how they work in battle.

pg 2: Do we actually know anything about Z? I feel like we're getting P's decision, without knowing the stakes he's deciding on.

pg 4: Did N suspect P before? It seems like N knew he was working for the deserters at first, but then was surprised when P told him.

pg 8: Interesting revelation from M!

pg 9: is the name cut off here? Is there a reason to? Is it like a deadname for A? I can't tell from the circumstances, and I wonder if it would be better to hear the whole name in this case if it's going to be repeated again?

pg 12: good interplay with the soldiers here.

pg 13: I thought M said A would recognize the healer? I was expecting L to pop up, but is there any indication A knows this person?
 

[Demiurgess she/her]

I enjoyed this chapter's dynamics, the tension and the fast tempo. With all the misinterpretations, confrontations and revelation it kept me engaged and invested.  I wonder now what's P's next is going to be.

I think the amount of fighting you gave in this chapter was also dosedwell, because we were getting quite a lot of it in the previous ones, and here it was well-framed and gave the character development. However, I wondered if there should be a more explicit connection between P's renewed vigour to fight and his decision to stay.

I liked the dialogue between P and N, especially the part on p5 that was about being accepted as they become ministers. Those were some powerful lines about living the lives as they are.

I had slight trouble with the revelation of M's true goals. The idea itself works great. It also helps us to have a new glimpse at A - she's not the only one reborn like that (more intrigue, more hints about the world and possible future conflict). Plus, the base definitely needs more support to stand against Z. However, though you mention M's previous actions, like allowing L to stay, I felt like it wasn't enough for me to make it work smoothly (I didn;t have this thought - oh, yes, now everything clicks). And then later you show us that M is quite powerful - she's been gathering info, managed to learn all about A. Because we haven't seen much of M or other ministers, this looked a bit like some superpower. I thought it might be worth building up to this moment a bit more.

Also, on p9, when you mention that A had a different name before, it made me wonder once again about the worldbuilding. That's understandable they will change the name when they are reborn, especially if they don't remember their past, but how did M found out the truth about A. Is it kept in some records? And how do they follow this connection of reincarnations?

p10 I really loved the phrase about how the armour never protected A from what really hurt her. It's good characterisation point. We don't yet know enough about her past, but I am more and more intrigued. 

p12 When A asks herself why was she so fixated on P in the first place, I was asking myself the same question  Looking forward to learn more.

On p13 you show us the magic of the world. We mostly saw psionic powers before, so it would be good to see more of this differentiation.

All in all, there are definitely small cliffhangers throughout the chapter that would make the readers want to go on, The chapter itself is well-structured with great interpersonal clashes and dynamics. However, I still feel like I need to see more of the world outside the base and have it intertwine with the main narrative. You started doing it with P contacting Z, but I think you could do a bit more of that.

 

 

[Silk she/her]

As I read:

I wasn’t sure whether this was from A’s POV or P’s until the top of the second page.

P3 “...he saw surprise leap onto A’s face, which faded to suspicion.” This seems… awfully thin as a foundation for the pretty significant actions that happen in the rest of the chapter – especially since the paragraphs just before this show P coming to a different decision, and seeming pretty secure in it, to boot. A few off-the-cuff thoughts for how to make the setup here seem more solid for what’s to come, as usual, take as much or as little (or none!) as works for you.

• More uncertainty from P/willingness to be pushed in one direction or another
• More setup of M as an antagonist who might reasonably be believed (by P or the reader) to sway A against P, and/or more detail in the scene that P can take the wrong way – he really seems to leap to a decision on almost nothing here.
• More emphasis on P’s fear of the ministry rather than A acting against him after his earlier attack on her. I think part of what I’m struggling with here is that it’s not clear why P acts the way he does: does he believe A is suspicious of him? Or M/the ministry?

“P had lasted year after year…” Wait, how old is P? Soldiers don’t live long, right? And P isn’t the oldest of the group, it seems by a fair margin.

P4: “She knows I tried to kill A.” this seems like a weird thing to announce, shouldn’t he have expected N to react badly to this?

P6 “They’re planning to make their move in about a week.” Very glad to see this ticking clock; actually, I’ve been hoping to see something like this for a while. I’m also deeply curious as to where this kind of intelligence comes from in this world.

P7 “...because I’m on your side.” Again, I feel like something a little more concrete in terms of earlier clues would help set this up here. I’m also not entirely sure what M means when she says “on your side:” is this in relation to the deserters? If so, is this meant to be a tacit acknowledgment that A has been set up to fail?

P12 “If she hadn’t chased after her stupid past with him…” I’d still love to know more about what that actually is.

Overall: Some good character work here. I’m intrigued about the interaction between M and A, and getting the strong impression that the two of them have some history that A doesn’t know about, like if she doesn’t recognize who M is now that M’s been reincarnated.

Other than that, pretty much just reiterating what I noted at a few points in my LBLs – it feels like a lot of people coming to decisions or realizations based on assumptions or information that is fairly thin. I think shoring up a little more things that drive P’s decision (even if it’s based on incorrect assumptions) and a little more evidence of intrigue/undercover dealings/etc from M earlier on will help set up the events here.

[Silk she/her]

On 9/29/2023 at 6:35 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: Do we actually know anything about Z? I feel like we're getting P's decision, without knowing the stakes he's deciding on.

Ooh, yeah, I would echo this.

On 9/29/2023 at 7:25 AM, Demiurgess said:

s it kept in some records? And how do they follow this connection of reincarnations?

Also curious about this! I'm sort of working from the theory that M and A knew each other in a previous life, they both have their memories, but A doesn't recognize the person M has become. But there must have also been a way for A to track P in the first place?