Panda's Writing Corner of Chaos

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

So I've been debating starting my own writing thread for a while, mostly because I am embarrassed of my writing. I've had a lot of friends and family tell me my writing is good, but I struggle to believe them mostly because of my age or their relation to me. I'm not exactly sure if they are telling the truth so giving my writing to complete strangers is my solution. I want as much feedback as anyone is willing to give. If nobody ever sees this I am fine with that. I have just come to terms with myself and decided that at least getting some of my horrible writing out there is a step forward. This will hopefully give me motivation to write as well.  So hopefully I can become a better writer because of this. If this becomes inactive for a while so be it, but this will succeed to help me in some way I'm sure. 

WARNING: My grammar sucks. If you fear bad grammar abort mission now. I write based off emotion and my thoughts, not on grammar or grammatical correctness. (Plus im horrible at editing) 

So here it is. My Writing Corner of Chaos. My absolute passion, pride, and joy given to absolute strangers to correct, critique, and enjoy. Here is my first scene. 

(Based on #4 of my suggestions for @CalanoCorvus)

Scene 1: Goodbye

Spoiler

 

“Papa?” My little boy looks up at me. He sits cross legged on the floor of our old wooden front porch.

 

“Yes son?” I fold the newspaper in my hand with my fingers and lean forward.

 

“What does goodbye mean?” I set my paper on the side of the rocking chair and lean back, indulging myself in thought.

 

“Well, goodbye is a word.” 

 

“But what does the word mean?” The wind picks up and ruffles his perfect hair and kisses his innocent little head. The sweet smell of the southern countryside flows through the air with the autumn leaves.

 

“Goodbye is a complicated word.” 

 

“How can it be like that? Doesn’t every word have a meaning?” I sit up and run my hand over his hair, back and forth. 

 

“A word can have many meanings.” His beautiful blue eyes sparkle with the evening sun. He got that from his mother. 

 

“What does the word good mean?” 

 

“It means something is right, it means something is wonderful.” I smile. “Just like you baby boy.” His face lights up. “Just like your mama.” I whisper and he just continues to smile. He’s never met her; he will never understand how much of her I see in him. 

 

“Then what does bye mean?” I go silent for a moment, thinking. 

 

“It means farewell, or so long.” He turns his head slightly up at me. His adorable rosy cheeks glow with his pearly smile.

 

“Then goodbye is a happy farewell.” How innocent those precious eyes are. How sweet his young heart is. How many monsters he must face in this world that I cannot protect him from. It pains my soul.

 

“I suppose.” 

 

“Then how come you can not define it Papa if I just did?” I sigh and slip out of the rocking chair, kneeling on the ground next to him. My knees ache with my age.

 

“A goodbye is more than that. It can not be defined by words.” 

 

“Then how can you define it?”

 

“Goodbyes aren’t just words, they are emotions. Goodbyes are sad. Goodbyes are happy. Goodbyes are forever. Goodbyes are soon.” 

 

“Papa, how can words be emotions? How can sadness be happy? How can soon be forever?”

 

“Because you feel something in the word goodbye. Goodbyes are pieces of your heart given to another person to have and hold. Your heart can be sad, and your heart can be happy all at once. Your heart can be theirs, for now, and forever. It’s for them to keep, till you meet again or for the rest of the time. There is no emotion you give, or duration they have it, it's a free gift in every way.”

 

“Goodbye is a lot of things.” 

 

“Goodbye is everything. Everything that cannot be described.” He goes quiet, I seem to have answered his question. 

 

“Do you like the word goodbye papa?” That makes me stop. Like the word goodbye?

 

“Like it?” 

 

“Yes, do you like goodbyes?” I watch him closely. 

 

“What do you mean?” He takes a breath, looking away and out into the grass. 

 

“I like goodbyes. Goodbyes mean I am one step closer to seeing them again.” I never thought of that. 

 

“They can be that way.” 

 

“Goodbyes are hidden trinkets of love. Love is happy and sad, love is now and forever, love is an emotion and a word.” I smile. Who knew you could learn so much from a little boy. 

 

“They certainly are son.” He grins softly as he turns his attention back to me.

 

“So why don’t you like goodbyes?” I pause. Why don’t I?

 

“Because they are hard to say.” That was the truth. It is the hardest word to mutter. It’s the hardest phrase that I’ve ever had to say. Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing youll ever do, especially if it's to someone you understand you will never see again. 

 

“But why?” 

 

“It's not why, it's who. You wouldn’t understand, baby.” 

 

“Then who?” I sigh, shaking my head. 

 

“You wouldn’t understand.” 

 

“How come?” He brings his hand up and shakes my wrist. 

 

“You're too young.” My tone gets a little bitter. 

 

“Too young to understand what?” 

 

“You're too young to understand love, Benji.” My harsh tone causes him to go silent. The porch creaks with the wind as the sun sets on the horizon.

 

“You're too young to understand what it's like to say goodbye to someone you love.” My voice shakes a bit. He stays silent, letting the sentence rest for a moment. 

 

“Did you have to say goodbye to mama?”

 

I nod slowly. “It was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say.” 

 

His voice moves to a whisper. “What did she say?” I turn and look at him, he is no longer smiling, but curious. He wants to understand.

 

“She said goodbye.” He shakes his head a little. 

 

“No papa. Was it a word or an emotion? Happy or sad?” 

 

“It was an emotion, a moment packed into a word. It was sadly happy, full of grief but joy for the life she had.” I mumble. 

 

“Was it now or forever?” I ruffle his hair between his fingers. 

 

“It was now and forever. Her goodbye still lives with me to this day.” He holds my hand with all his tiny fingers wrapping around it. “It lives in you.”

 

“Why is it so hard to say if you will see her again?” 

 

“Because it means I will not see her until I leave you.” I lean over and kiss his forehead. 

 

“And I won’t leave you until the time is right.” He nods. 

 

“So, you’ll say goodbye?” 

 

“Everyone has to say goodbye someday, baby.” He goes silent for a minute before squeezing my hand tight, like he is afraid to let go.

 

“Word and emotion?”

 

“Word and emotion.”

 

“Happy and sad?” 

 

“Happy and sad.” 

 

“Now and forever?”

 

“Now and forever and ever.” 

 

“Goodbye.” He smiles and gives me a little wave. He reminds me so much of her, it’s hard to bear. 

 

“Goodbye.” I wave my hand back at him. His grin gets wider, and I can’t help but think. Goodbye is such a strong little word; but my boy is a strong little boy.

 

[Medium he/they]

i’m already falling apart tonight and now you’ve given me THAT

my gosh panda

that was heartbreakingly beautiful

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

2 minutes ago, CalanoCorvus said:

i’m already falling apart tonight and now you’ve given me THAT

my gosh panda

that was heartbreakingly beautiful

Oh my gosh thank you! That means so much to me, I hope you enjoyed it. I didn’t put more than an hour or two into it but it’s something I’m proud of. Thank you so much!

[ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ he/him]

Wow that was really good. I really like how well you do the conversation. That is something that I struggle with. I end up narrating. But that was awesome. 
And then you realize that it was beautiful. The ideas are spectacular!

Is it ok if I share this? @SmilingPanda19

Edited September 7, 2023 by ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ

[Morningtide she/her]

Wha- how... 

SO SAD!!! but so good! And not really sad, but just emotional ;-;

I love it!! You have a real talent!!

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

22 hours ago, ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ said:

Wow that was really good. I really like how well you do the conversation. That is something that I struggle with. I end up narrating. But that was awesome. 
And then you realize that it was beautiful. The ideas are spectacular!

Is it ok if I share this? @SmilingPanda19

Absolutely. Gosh you guys have no idea how much you made me smile. I was so scared to put my stuff out there because I think my writing is horrible. Thank you so much, this means a lot to me. I’ll be sure to try and put up more.

[ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ he/him]

I mean you are a smiling panda…

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

Just now, ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ said:

I mean you are a smiling panda…

Your favorite panda that smiles. 

[Shadowed]

wow, that was…

beautiful and sad and heartbreaking and so many other emotions all at once

(in a good way tho! you write really well!!)

[Cinnamon]

Wow, that was so beautiful. You’re a great writer :). 

[Edema Rue she/her]

You're breaking my heart, Panda. That was awesome.

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

So I haven't shown this one to anyone. I wrote it today based off a prompt and I really liked it. Its a different kind of writing and even if this isn't very good then I can retry the writing style later. The question is should I? I suggest you try it too. (I want genuine opinions here) 

The way this one works you can read all of it together, You can read just the blue, or you can read just the red. For all three the bolded last line goes with it. Its three different stories in one writing. I did it pretty horribly but I wanted to try the style. Hope its not a Mcdonalds dumpster fire though. 

Scene 2: Seasons 

Spoiler

“In the glow of the sun.”

 

“In the fall of the rain.”

 

“The forests bloom.”

 

“The puddles collect.”

 

“The pretty flowers.”

 

“The dew on the grass.”

 

“Oh, beautiful shine.”

 

“Oh, shimmer of water.”

 

“Even the clouds in the sky.”

 

“Even the shadows that creep.”

 

“They cannot cover.”

 

“They cannot reach.”

 

“A true friend.”

 

“A real lover.”   

 

“No matter the rain.”

 

“No matter the sun.”

 

“The seasons do change, so we’ll be fine.”  

 

 

 

 

Edited September 7, 2023 by SmilingPanda19

[Edema Rue she/her]

Woah. Panda, that one was also epic. It's so hard to write things that can be read many ways like that, but you really pulled it off. Nice job!!

[ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ he/him]

Ahhhh! It’s so goood!

[Scars of Hathsin he/him]

That is so good Panda

[Ancient Elantrian Elan/Elan/Elan/Elan/Elan]

That is AMAZING!!!

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

Here's a third scene I thought I should share. I wrote it earlier today and thought it was cool. (I promise i'm at least 50% fine I just went down a hole in my writing when I tried to define darkness-)

Scene 3: Darkness

Spoiler

Darkness is not just a thing.

 

Darkness is a place.

 

A place where I resign.

 

Darkness has no face.

 

Because it is hidden behind mine.

 

Darkness lies within their embrace.

 

A mockery of my design.

The Darkness inside of me only grew.

 

Darkness creeps and crawls just like monsters do.

 

It can be hidden behind a masked smile.

 

I might look fine, but it will only last for a while.

 

Darkness is real, real as light can be.

 

Theres light in my life but darkness is becoming me.

 

Defined by who I am, not what I want to be.

 

The darkness is winning, but I can pray that it will set me free.

 

[ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ he/him]

25 minutes ago, SmilingPanda19 said:

Here's a third scene I thought I should share. I wrote it earlier today and thought it was cool. (I promise i'm at least 50% fine I just went down a hole in my writing when I tried to define darkness-)

Scene 3: Darkness

  Reveal hidden contents

Darkness is not just a thing.

 

Darkness is a place.

 

A place where I resign.

 

Darkness has no face.

 

Because it is hidden behind mine.

 

Darkness lies within their embrace.

 

A mockery of my design.

The Darkness inside of me only grew.

 

Darkness creeps and crawls just like monsters do.

 

It can be hidden behind a masked smile.

 

I might look fine, but it will only last for a while.

 

Darkness is real, real as light can be.

 

Theres light in my life but darkness is becoming me.

 

Defined by who I am, not what I want to be.

 

The darkness is winning, but I can pray that it will set me free.

 

Wow amazing. I really like how you personifiy darkness!

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

2 minutes ago, ΨιτιsτηεΒέsτ said:

Wow amazing. I really like how you personifiy darkness!

Thank you!

[Edema Rue she/her]

That was awesome Panda, nice job.

[SmilingPanda19 of the female/variety]

I haven't posted here in a while, and I thought it was time.

Today I found out that I didn't even place in the top 5 for a writing contest I submitted to. (50-80 submissions) I spent a long time writing my submission and fell in love with it. I submitted it back in June and I have been so excited for the last few months to find out. I've shown my family and my friends and they all loved it so much. I can't say I'm fine because I'm not, but I'm really proud of this. Even if its not good, I'm proud of it. It means I am one step closer to getting better. Some of you may know this character, some may not, but I hope you like it. So here it is. The best thing I have probably ever written. Hope you like it.

@Thaidakar the Ghostblood - Credits for Marc 

Take Me Home 

Spoiler

 

Why must time tick so fast?

            “Get up!” He yells at me. I feel the tip of his shiny steel toe boot kick into my stomach, sending me forcibly flying back onto my side.

            “Fight me you coward!” He yells.                 

            “Get up and fight me!” His voice is filled with pure and full-hearted rage; clearly, he is at the end of his rope.

            “I said get up!” He brings his sword down hard against my face. The flesh on my cheek tears at the edge of his silver blade. The entire right side of my face is torn up from it. It stains my hands a dark shade of red. It flows over the countless other stains on my hands, the blood of all those innocent people that didn’t deserve the price they paid for my unforgivable mistakes.

Loud sounds pang in my ears; noises that continue to torment me. I hear screams over and over from all directions until I can’t bear it anymore. The voices, they come from everywhere. They all blend into one giant mess of regret, guilt, and shame. You’re worthless. Words ring in my ears. You are a mistake. You are a monster. You’ll never make it out. There is no escape. You’ll never earn their trust. You’re such a fake. You deserve the price you must pay.

I cover my ears. Each of their voices talking to me at once, all their blood curdling screams echoing around inside my head. They have become nightmares and demons that float around in my mind. They are here to teach me a lesson; tell me what the exact price is that I must pay.      

I lie curled up on the ground, blood seeping from my face over me, and I hear words echoing in my mind. You will never feel loved. You will never change. You should just give up. There is no running away. You can’t be the same. There is no going back. Remember all the lives you took? Remember all the blood of those you slain? My voice breaks out into sobbing as every mistake, every life I’ve ever taken screeches out at me in one painful cry. The guilt piles on top of me, pushing me further and further into my maniacal murderous insanity.

 The salty tears drip down my cheeks slowly. My entire empire is crumbling before my very eyes. Everything I thought I had turns to dust or burns to ashes. My enemies all sit back and watch as my life disintegrates before me; they laugh and mock me alongside every tumbling piece of my false pride.

My whole life I felt like nothing even when I thought I had it all. Now here I sit at my grave, and I am terrified because I have nothing if I can’t take any of it with me. I’ve always been nothing, everything they say is true. I am a mistake. I am just a tool. I fall on my knees before their throne of lies and beg the voices to let me live in peace. But no matter how hard I try they still try to hurt me.

Every time I close my eyes, the memories flash before me. I’m haunted by everything I’ve ever done. I was expected to be like my parents, who were villains and I’ve come through. Now they can say that they didn’t lie, that I am just a mistake that deserves the final punishment for my crimes. They bet all their money on my demise.

I can just barely remember what it felt like to have any worth at all. I remember there was only a short time in my life where I ever felt special at all. It was years ago with my husband, Maverick. He held me in his arms when I was scared. He used to kiss my head when I was feeling all alone. The way his eyes softened when he saw me made me feel loved and cared for. He was the only person who treated me as someone with worth.

 We were supposed to make it somewhere. We planned to buy a home deep out in the countryside. We wanted to go far away, forget the life we knew, and find our own way. We wanted to be far away from the life our parents gave us and the expectations they placed on us. We could have started over and gotten everything we ever wanted. But did it ever come true?

We were supposed to have kids; probably six or seven. Each one would be loved more than anything in this world. We were never going to let them forget how much their mother and father cared about them, so that when times did get hard, they were ready. We were never going to let them grow up thinking from the perspective we had to live with as children. We wanted to give them a life we never had; where we would sing them lullabies to get them to sleep and give them hugs when they were sad. It should have been a relationship where they could tell us anything, good or bad and yet we would love them still to our dying days. They wouldn’t have been afraid of going to sleep and not waking up the next morning. They would have had it better than we could have ever imagined as kids.

I always hated going to sleep. It was always the fact that the world never stopped when I closed my eyes.

 I remember how he held me that one night, when I just couldn’t sleep. He let me sleep at his house to get away from my family. We were just two young kids who were too innocent to understand the world around us. I remember the feeling of his bed and how he always let me take the bed so I could stay warm while he slept on the floor.

I close my eyes and suddenly when I open them it’s like I’m there. It’s like I am watching the memory play, like it’s a rerun. I can’t do anything but watch, just stand here and seeing how I was not so alone back then.

                                                 ***

“I hate the dark.” I hear him rustle from his mat on the floor as I hear my voice in this memory, it echoes. The blankets that lay on the bed, looked so warm but somehow the world could still feel so cold.

“Really?” His voice mutters and I watch as his handsome head peeks up over the side of the bed. Even at the youthful age of seventeen he had a deep voice.

“Mhm.” My young voice squeaks out lightly. I was buried in the blankets in bed. I watched his golden green eyes look over to the younger me from the side of the bed. They had a perfect golden glow to them in the dark, just like his heart. The way he looked at me always made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside words couldn’t describe what I felt.

I watched as he grunted and stretched up, standing up off his mat. His long, tall body towered over the bed and his muscles filled out his frame perfectly. He was not a small man to say the least.

He climbed onto the bed and turned me around carefully, like a person would touch a scared little kitten. His long arms and tall body wrapped around me and held me tight under the covers like I am enfolding in his embrace. His rough callous covered hands stroked my long brown hair that was slightly curly since I had taken it out of a braid. I remember that feeling so well, but I can only see and not feel.

I remember feeling so loved in his arms. It always seemed like all my problems would just melt away.

“You know what to do when you’re scared?”

“No.” He brought his mouth up to my ear and whispered softly like it was a little secret.

“You just remember that I will always be there, whether you see me or not.” I felt so, so loved in that moment. It was like I was on top of the world, and no matter what happened, I felt that everything would turn out all right. I thought I could never lose the love of my life. Oh, how for granted I took his love then, because now I’d give anything to be held in his arms.

“Promise?” My young voice whispered out, leaving my lips with trust and hope that maybe everything would be okay and one day there would be nothing for us to fear in the dark. That all my problems could wash away if my Prince Charming was there, if my Mavy was there. I was so naïve back then.

“Promise.” He said back. I could tell by his voice, that it wasn’t a lie. He truly would do anything to stay with me. That one-word has stuck with me all these years. That one-word ringing in my ears every single day of my life since. Promise. His voice crying it out from the grave. Promise. My voice screaming in my ears in agony. Promise.

Now he’s gone. He can never come back. The only thing that ever made me feel happy and loved is gone. Every bit of sorrow in my soul piles into a huge weight on my shoulders. I can’t get rid of this horrible paralyzing grief. The voices in my head, they get louder as the torment me. They loom in my ears till I break. Now that he’s gone, nobody’s there to silence them anymore.

                                                 ***

“Just make it stop!” I scream. I feel like the entire world has stopped around me. I am back on the ground, ripped from my memories back to this horrible reality. Everyone standing in the woodlands watching becomes utterly silent.

“Stop?” I hear him ask. His voice lost in a maniacal nature.

“Stop?!” His voice raises, insane laughter breaking from his lips. It escapes from the depth of his soul. He likes to torment me, and after all I’ve done to his family, it makes sense.

“You want me to stop?!” His laughter raises deep from in his throat ringing out over the whole forest. I peak my eye out from behind my hands. This boy is young, probably only twelve years old. And yet he stands over me with the tip of his bloody blade by my throat. Me, the greatest supervillain of my time, brought before a boy to die. What makes him different?

“Delilah Caven, Mistress of Evil…” He mocks me. His insanity is spilling into his emotions.

“…Is begging me? Begging me, Marc Metsk, to stop this torture?” His laugh booms across the city. I shrivel up at his feet, already in pain and covered in blood.

“After all you did to me you’re expecting me to just let you live?” His voice grows louder by the second. He is right, I’ve done everything to deserve this. I’ve done everything to deserve more, more pain and suffering than is already being doled out.

“Please. . .” I whisper. Blood and tears drip from my head, I don’t try to stop him from doing anything; I’m helpless.

“Please? Oh, so if you ask nicely ill just stop?” His laughter rises from deep in his heart, cutting me to the core. His insanity, much like mine drives him crazier by the day. The only difference between us is I’m too far gone to be saved. There is no redemption for me, no time left for forgiveness. It’s all added up and there is nothing I can do to right the wrong now.

“You killed him! You killed my brother you monster!” His voices rises and the entire forest of people hiding behind the trees and bushes watch silently as if this is some kind of sick show. The horrible people I’ve been surrounded by my whole life are all here to see my death. Each of them doing absolutely nothing to save me. Afterall, who would do something to help someone like me?

“I bet you he begged! Ha! Ha! Ha! I bet he begged! Just like you now! Shriveled on the ground, begging for a chance to live!” His laughter sounds deep, like a man’s. His rage and insanity ruin his innocence. He is a man inside a boy’s body. I am a scared little girl, sobbing and crying in a woman’s body.

“And what did you do?” He gets close to my face screaming. I understand his pain, I understand what it feels like to see someone you love to die and want revenge. I also know that’s what pushed me over the brink, the quest for revenge. Revenge is what sent me over the edge that I can never climb up from again.  

“You killed him!” He’s right, I did kill his brother. I made that mistake. I drank too much wine and nearly killed myself, more mistakes. I killed so many because I couldn’t deal with the grief. I was abused and tortured because I couldn’t control myself. It all adds up. A long list of mistakes to pay for, things I deserve to die for. The Reaper is here delivering the horrible gruesome death I deserve.

“And I’m going to do the same to you! You!” He screams and stomps his foot down on the ground every time he speaks.

“Horrible!” I cringe back as he slices for my face again.

“Terrible!” I watch his eyes as he stares down at me like a god of judgment.

“Insane!” He is over top of me with his sword screaming all the things that define me.

“Worthless!” I cry more, tears dripping down my cheeks like a little girl curled up in the corner.

“Monster!” He screams directly into my face, and I can feel his hot breath wash over me.

 I am all those things, it’s all completely and utterly true. Somehow though there is only one thing that rings in my head, catching all my worthless attention. When my time finally ticks to a stop, what will I have that doesn’t just drop? However, there is only one looming important question in the air.

What if Maverick could see me now? I watch, its like time has frozen before me. Everything has just stopped, and I wonder, is this what your life flashing before your eyes feels like? I feel myself being swept back into a memory and everything fades to black before me and into a new light.

                                                 ***

Church bells ring in the distance, on an early fall Sunday morning and the breeze feels cool. I stand up and look around, I remember this place. It’s like I’ve been transported back to the past, and it’s the happiest day of my life.

“Are you ready?” I look behind me and see my Maverick standing there in a suit next to a priest. He looks astonishingly handsome. That voice was his. He was talking to the priest, his gorgeous green eyes listening for the priest’s response.

“I think I should be asking you that.” The priest says with a smile. Maverick looked over at him.

“I was ready to put a ring on that girl the day my eyes caught sight of her.” I watch as his smile raises, and he comments on his own statement.

“I’ve never been more ready.” His smile, a pearly charming white, was one of the best things about him. He never stopped smiling, never let himself fall into a pit of despair no matter how hard times were.

I watch as I see myself walk out. I was in a slim white wedding dress, and I looked stunning, even ravishing. Maverick’s jaw nearly dropped.

“You look, so beautiful, love.” He held out his hands and held onto mine. I almost melt just thinking about how his hands held mine that day.

“So do you.” I nearly smile at hearing my voice again, when I was so young, innocent, and so in love.

“You look just like a princess.” I watch his charming smile rise; I always loved his nickname. I was his princess, and he was my Prince Charming, like from old fairy tales I used to read where we could just end happily ever after.

            We begin our vows in this dream of memories.

            “In the name of God, I, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, take you, Delilah Marie Caven, as my wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until parted by death.” I see his smile go so wide as he finished his vows.

            “This is my solemn vow. To you my dearest most precious princess, the love of my life.” I watch as my eyes glow softly, true absolute love that will never be quenched even to this day. I am so utterly and entirely in love with this man. I watch as my lips move to say the vows. I remember that this past self didn’t know all that she would lose.

            “In the name of God, I, Delilah Marie Caven, take you, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, as my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better. . . Or for worse.” My voice goes quiet as I hesitate. He notices and squeezes my hand, staring into my eyes.

            “Mavy...”

            “Yes, love?”

            “I’m scared.”

            “What are you scared of, dear?” His eyes were warm and soft for her.

            “That I’ll make a mistake. . .” I mumble and he just smiles sweetly.

            “Don’t worry princess, I’ve got you. For better. . .” He squeezes my hands and pulls my right hand up, kissing it softly.

            “. . .Or for worse. I’ll never stop loving you.” His smile warms my heart even now. I noticed something, tears. They were watering in his eyes, about to drip down his face. They were tears of joy. Tears of joy at seeing his stunning wife in a beautiful white wedding dress on the best day of his life. A tear drips from my own face as I stare at him, his absolute unstoppable love for me. I miss you, Mavy. I feel more tears leak from my eyes over my face. I miss him so much; words cannot describe how much I miss him.

I watch as the younger me continues the vows; all I can think about is, that was the last time I wore white.

            The last time I wore white, was the day my husband died; The day he was killed to save me. When Bounty hunters were after me for being a villain’s child, and they killed him because he got in the way. I was a white angel to him, not a red devil like I was to the rest of the world. I wipe my tears away so I can see, and I catch the end of the vows.

            “To love and cherish until parted by death.” Those words echo in my head. Until parted by death. What would he think of me if he saw me now? What would he say? Would he still love me now that death has parted us?

 I watch the kiss. I remember the taste of his lips and how they always seemed to taste like cool pumpkin pie on a fall evening, my favourite food from the day I met him. He used to make me the best pumpkin pie. Made with 100% true love, He used to say, and I laughed every time. I watch nearly bursting into tears as they pull out of the kiss and she repeats those words, almost afraid.

            “Until parted by death.” I whisper ever so quietly.     

            “And beyond princess.”

Until parted by death, and beyond. My heart glows, I had forgotten that. That’s all it takes to make me feel just a little less alone. I feel tears cloud up my eyes. “Until parted by death, and beyond.” I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way he looked at me, the way he smiled, or the way he always seemed to be there when I needed him most, but I am certain to this day that I will eternally be in love with this man, and he will forever be in love with me.

                                                            ***

            I open my eyes and see the cold dark forest again. Marc is standing over me with his sword.

            “You monster!” His voice screams over me, except for once I don’t feel like a monster. I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel horrible, and I don’t feel insane. I feel human. The voices, they still scream. They scream about how worthless I am, how alone I am, how horrible I am, but I tune them out. They yell at me endlessly, tormenting me but I push them away. They question me, asking Was there even a point of being on this earth?

            “You deserve to die!” He screams at me, but this time to his surprise I look him dead in the eye.               

            “I know.” I say directly to his face and his anger boils over. Bringing his sword up above his head, screaming.

            I watch that blade shimmer in the moonlight. So, this is the day I die. My doom towering over me. Marc, becoming me. Tears start to flow down my cheeks, this really is my price to pay for all the harm and destruction I caused. I hear the ticking grow louder and louder in my ears. Tick tock tick tock. Then finally, I hear a chime. The clock runs out, chime. I watch in slow motion as he brings his sword down on me, I feel so alone and so cold and so very much in the dark.

But then I feel something else, warmth. It surrounds me like a big hug. It feels like an overwhelming amount of joy and absolute never-ending love. Maverick. Even as I stare death right in the eye, I feel a little smile spread across my face. Maybe I’ve made some mistakes, maybe no one will ever be able to forgive me for the things I’ve done, but if I could just be wrapped up in his arms just one more time, I would feel complete. I would feel that maybe, I was worth something even when I felt like nothing. Because somehow, someway, I know he will forgive me if I trust in him, and that’s enough for me to finally forgive myself.

 

Mavy.

 

I stare at Marc, covered in blood and tears. He is becoming like me, being buried in his guilt and shame and one day he will take my place here at the grave. I’ve learned over the course of my life, that by the time the colors fade to reveal what we all thought was black and white were just shades of grey, we will all be before judgements throne. Yet somehow, if we can trust in the one who is watching over us, who gave his life to save the undeserving, forgiveness and mercy could be ours. We just must take that leap of faith.

            I sit here and watch the sword fall. There is nothing I can do now to right the wrongs, fix the mistakes, or take back what I’ve done, but there is something so beautiful in the one last thing I can do. I can forgive myself for the errors because he can. If he can, of all people, forgive me, shouldn’t I forgive myself? And if not for me, then for him, my one true love.

 

Mavy, I’m coming home.

           

 

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by SmilingPanda19

[Edema Rue she/her]

Panda, your words are beautifully crafted power. That was incredible. Don’t ever compare your writing to someone else’s; it’ll only drag you down and taint your art. And if what you want is to win a contest, I think you will.

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

10 minutes ago, SmilingPanda19 said:

I haven't posted here in a while, and I thought it was time.

Today I found out that I didn't even place in the top 5 for a writing contest I submitted to. (50-80 submissions) I spent a long time writing my submission and fell in love with it. I submitted it back in June and I have been so excited for the last few months to find out. I've shown my family and my friends and they all loved it so much. I can't say I'm fine because I'm not, but I'm really proud of this. Even if its not good, I'm proud of it. It means I am one step closer to getting better. Some of you may know this character, some may not, but I hope you like it. So here it is. The best thing I have probably ever written. Hope you like it.

@Thaidakar the Ghostblood - Credits for Marc 

Take Me Home 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Why must time tick so fast?

            “Get up!” He yells at me. I feel the tip of his shiny steel toe boot kick into my stomach, sending me forcibly flying back onto my side.

            “Fight me you coward!” He yells.                 

            “Get up and fight me!” His voice is filled with pure and full-hearted rage; clearly, he is at the end of his rope.

            “I said get up!” He brings his sword down hard against my face. The flesh on my cheek tears at the edge of his silver blade. The entire right side of my face is torn up from it. It stains my hands a dark shade of red. It flows over the countless other stains on my hands, the blood of all those innocent people that didn’t deserve the price they paid for my unforgivable mistakes.

Loud sounds pang in my ears; noises that continue to torment me. I hear screams over and over from all directions until I can’t bear it anymore. The voices, they come from everywhere. They all blend into one giant mess of regret, guilt, and shame. You’re worthless. Words ring in my ears. You are a mistake. You are a monster. You’ll never make it out. There is no escape. You’ll never earn their trust. You’re such a fake. You deserve the price you must pay.

I cover my ears. Each of their voices talking to me at once, all their blood curdling screams echoing around inside my head. They have become nightmares and demons that float around in my mind. They are here to teach me a lesson; tell me what the exact price is that I must pay.      

I lie curled up on the ground, blood seeping from my face over me, and I hear words echoing in my mind. You will never feel loved. You will never change. You should just give up. There is no running away. You can’t be the same. There is no going back. Remember all the lives you took? Remember all the blood of those you slain? My voice breaks out into sobbing as every mistake, every life I’ve ever taken screeches out at me in one painful cry. The guilt piles on top of me, pushing me further and further into my maniacal murderous insanity.

 The salty tears drip down my cheeks slowly. My entire empire is crumbling before my very eyes. Everything I thought I had turns to dust or burns to ashes. My enemies all sit back and watch as my life disintegrates before me; they laugh and mock me alongside every tumbling piece of my false pride.

My whole life I felt like nothing even when I thought I had it all. Now here I sit at my grave, and I am terrified because I have nothing if I can’t take any of it with me. I’ve always been nothing, everything they say is true. I am a mistake. I am just a tool. I fall on my knees before their throne of lies and beg the voices to let me live in peace. But no matter how hard I try they still try to hurt me.

Every time I close my eyes, the memories flash before me. I’m haunted by everything I’ve ever done. I was expected to be like my parents, who were villains and I’ve come through. Now they can say that they didn’t lie, that I am just a mistake that deserves the final punishment for my crimes. They bet all their money on my demise.

I can just barely remember what it felt like to have any worth at all. I remember there was only a short time in my life where I ever felt special at all. It was years ago with my husband, Maverick. He held me in his arms when I was scared. He used to kiss my head when I was feeling all alone. The way his eyes softened when he saw me made me feel loved and cared for. He was the only person who treated me as someone with worth.

 We were supposed to make it somewhere. We planned to buy a home deep out in the countryside. We wanted to go far away, forget the life we knew, and find our own way. We wanted to be far away from the life our parents gave us and the expectations they placed on us. We could have started over and gotten everything we ever wanted. But did it ever come true?

We were supposed to have kids; probably six or seven. Each one would be loved more than anything in this world. We were never going to let them forget how much their mother and father cared about them, so that when times did get hard, they were ready. We were never going to let them grow up thinking from the perspective we had to live with as children. We wanted to give them a life we never had; where we would sing them lullabies to get them to sleep and give them hugs when they were sad. It should have been a relationship where they could tell us anything, good or bad and yet we would love them still to our dying days. They wouldn’t have been afraid of going to sleep and not waking up the next morning. They would have had it better than we could have ever imagined as kids.

I always hated going to sleep. It was always the fact that the world never stopped when I closed my eyes.

 I remember how he held me that one night, when I just couldn’t sleep. He let me sleep at his house to get away from my family. We were just two young kids who were too innocent to understand the world around us. I remember the feeling of his bed and how he always let me take the bed so I could stay warm while he slept on the floor.

I close my eyes and suddenly when I open them it’s like I’m there. It’s like I am watching the memory play, like it’s a rerun. I can’t do anything but watch, just stand here and seeing how I was not so alone back then.

                                                 ***

“I hate the dark.” I hear him rustle from his mat on the floor as I hear my voice in this memory, it echoes. The blankets that lay on the bed, looked so warm but somehow the world could still feel so cold.

“Really?” His voice mutters and I watch as his handsome head peeks up over the side of the bed. Even at the youthful age of seventeen he had a deep voice.

“Mhm.” My young voice squeaks out lightly. I was buried in the blankets in bed. I watched his golden green eyes look over to the younger me from the side of the bed. They had a perfect golden glow to them in the dark, just like his heart. The way he looked at me always made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside words couldn’t describe what I felt.

I watched as he grunted and stretched up, standing up off his mat. His long, tall body towered over the bed and his muscles filled out his frame perfectly. He was not a small man to say the least.

He climbed onto the bed and turned me around carefully, like a person would touch a scared little kitten. His long arms and tall body wrapped around me and held me tight under the covers like I am enfolding in his embrace. His rough callous covered hands stroked my long brown hair that was slightly curly since I had taken it out of a braid. I remember that feeling so well, but I can only see and not feel.

I remember feeling so loved in his arms. It always seemed like all my problems would just melt away.

“You know what to do when you’re scared?”

“No.” He brought his mouth up to my ear and whispered softly like it was a little secret.

“You just remember that I will always be there, whether you see me or not.” I felt so, so loved in that moment. It was like I was on top of the world, and no matter what happened, I felt that everything would turn out all right. I thought I could never lose the love of my life. Oh, how for granted I took his love then, because now I’d give anything to be held in his arms.

“Promise?” My young voice whispered out, leaving my lips with trust and hope that maybe everything would be okay and one day there would be nothing for us to fear in the dark. That all my problems could wash away if my Prince Charming was there, if my Mavy was there. I was so naïve back then.

“Promise.” He said back. I could tell by his voice, that it wasn’t a lie. He truly would do anything to stay with me. That one-word has stuck with me all these years. That one-word ringing in my ears every single day of my life since. Promise. His voice crying it out from the grave. Promise. My voice screaming in my ears in agony. Promise.

Now he’s gone. He can never come back. The only thing that ever made me feel happy and loved is gone. Every bit of sorrow in my soul piles into a huge weight on my shoulders. I can’t get rid of this horrible paralyzing grief. The voices in my head, they get louder as the torment me. They loom in my ears till I break. Now that he’s gone, nobody’s there to silence them anymore.

                                                 ***

“Just make it stop!” I scream. I feel like the entire world has stopped around me. I am back on the ground, ripped from my memories back to this horrible reality. Everyone standing in the woodlands watching becomes utterly silent.

“Stop?” I hear him ask. His voice lost in a maniacal nature.

“Stop?!” His voice raises, insane laughter breaking from his lips. It escapes from the depth of his soul. He likes to torment me, and after all I’ve done to his family, it makes sense.

“You want me to stop?!” His laughter raises deep from in his throat ringing out over the whole forest. I peak my eye out from behind my hands. This boy is young, probably only twelve years old. And yet he stands over me with the tip of his bloody blade by my throat. Me, the greatest supervillain of my time, brought before a boy to die. What makes him different?

“Delilah Caven, Mistress of Evil…” He mocks me. His insanity is spilling into his emotions.

“…Is begging me? Begging me, Marc Metsk, to stop this torture?” His laugh booms across the city. I shrivel up at his feet, already in pain and covered in blood.

“After all you did to me you’re expecting me to just let you live?” His voice grows louder by the second. He is right, I’ve done everything to deserve this. I’ve done everything to deserve more, more pain and suffering than is already being doled out.

“Please. . .” I whisper. Blood and tears drip from my head, I don’t try to stop him from doing anything; I’m helpless.

“Please? Oh, so if you ask nicely ill just stop?” His laughter rises from deep in his heart, cutting me to the core. His insanity, much like mine drives him crazier by the day. The only difference between us is I’m too far gone to be saved. There is no redemption for me, no time left for forgiveness. It’s all added up and there is nothing I can do to right the wrong now.

“You killed him! You killed my brother you monster!” His voices rises and the entire forest of people hiding behind the trees and bushes watch silently as if this is some kind of sick show. The horrible people I’ve been surrounded by my whole life are all here to see my death. Each of them doing absolutely nothing to save me. Afterall, who would do something to help someone like me?

“I bet you he begged! Ha! Ha! Ha! I bet he begged! Just like you now! Shriveled on the ground, begging for a chance to live!” His laughter sounds deep, like a man’s. His rage and insanity ruin his innocence. He is a man inside a boy’s body. I am a scared little girl, sobbing and crying in a woman’s body.

“And what did you do?” He gets close to my face screaming. I understand his pain, I understand what it feels like to see someone you love to die and want revenge. I also know that’s what pushed me over the brink, the quest for revenge. Revenge is what sent me over the edge that I can never climb up from again.  

“You killed him!” He’s right, I did kill his brother. I made that mistake. I drank too much wine and nearly killed myself, more mistakes. I killed so many because I couldn’t deal with the grief. I was abused and tortured because I couldn’t control myself. It all adds up. A long list of mistakes to pay for, things I deserve to die for. The Reaper is here delivering the horrible gruesome death I deserve.

“And I’m going to do the same to you! You!” He screams and stomps his foot down on the ground every time he speaks.

“Horrible!” I cringe back as he slices for my face again.

“Terrible!” I watch his eyes as he stares down at me like a god of judgment.

“Insane!” He is over top of me with his sword screaming all the things that define me.

“Worthless!” I cry more, tears dripping down my cheeks like a little girl curled up in the corner.

“Monster!” He screams directly into my face, and I can feel his hot breath wash over me.

 I am all those things, it’s all completely and utterly true. Somehow though there is only one thing that rings in my head, catching all my worthless attention. When my time finally ticks to a stop, what will I have that doesn’t just drop? However, there is only one looming important question in the air.

What if Maverick could see me now? I watch, its like time has frozen before me. Everything has just stopped, and I wonder, is this what your life flashing before your eyes feels like? I feel myself being swept back into a memory and everything fades to black before me and into a new light.

                                                 ***

Church bells ring in the distance, on an early fall Sunday morning and the breeze feels cool. I stand up and look around, I remember this place. It’s like I’ve been transported back to the past, and it’s the happiest day of my life.

“Are you ready?” I look behind me and see my Maverick standing there in a suit next to a priest. He looks astonishingly handsome. That voice was his. He was talking to the priest, his gorgeous green eyes listening for the priest’s response.

“I think I should be asking you that.” The priest says with a smile. Maverick looked over at him.

“I was ready to put a ring on that girl the day my eyes caught sight of her.” I watch as his smile raises, and he comments on his own statement.

“I’ve never been more ready.” His smile, a pearly charming white, was one of the best things about him. He never stopped smiling, never let himself fall into a pit of despair no matter how hard times were.

I watch as I see myself walk out. I was in a slim white wedding dress, and I looked stunning, even ravishing. Maverick’s jaw nearly dropped.

“You look, so beautiful, love.” He held out his hands and held onto mine. I almost melt just thinking about how his hands held mine that day.

“So do you.” I nearly smile at hearing my voice again, when I was so young, innocent, and so in love.

“You look just like a princess.” I watch his charming smile rise; I always loved his nickname. I was his princess, and he was my Prince Charming, like from old fairy tales I used to read where we could just end happily ever after.

            We begin our vows in this dream of memories.

            “In the name of God, I, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, take you, Delilah Marie Caven, as my wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until parted by death.” I see his smile go so wide as he finished his vows.

            “This is my solemn vow. To you my dearest most precious princess, the love of my life.” I watch as my eyes glow softly, true absolute love that will never be quenched even to this day. I am so utterly and entirely in love with this man. I watch as my lips move to say the vows. I remember that this past self didn’t know all that she would lose.

            “In the name of God, I, Delilah Marie Caven, take you, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, as my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better. . . Or for worse.” My voice goes quiet as I hesitate. He notices and squeezes my hand, staring into my eyes.

            “Mavy...”

            “Yes, love?”

            “I’m scared.”

            “What are you scared of, dear?” His eyes were warm and soft for her.

            “That I’ll make a mistake. . .” I mumble and he just smiles sweetly.

            “Don’t worry princess, I’ve got you. For better. . .” He squeezes my hands and pulls my right hand up, kissing it softly.

            “. . .Or for worse. I’ll never stop loving you.” His smile warms my heart even now. I noticed something, tears. They were watering in his eyes, about to drip down his face. They were tears of joy. Tears of joy at seeing his stunning wife in a beautiful white wedding dress on the best day of his life. A tear drips from my own face as I stare at him, his absolute unstoppable love for me. I miss you, Mavy. I feel more tears leak from my eyes over my face. I miss him so much; words cannot describe how much I miss him.

I watch as the younger me continues the vows; all I can think about is, that was the last time I wore white.

            The last time I wore white, was the day my husband died; The day he was killed to save me. When Bounty hunters were after me for being a villain’s child, and they killed him because he got in the way. I was a white angel to him, not a red devil like I was to the rest of the world. I wipe my tears away so I can see, and I catch the end of the vows.

            “To love and cherish until parted by death.” Those words echo in my head. Until parted by death. What would he think of me if he saw me now? What would he say? Would he still love me now that death has parted us?

 I watch the kiss. I remember the taste of his lips and how they always seemed to taste like cool pumpkin pie on a fall evening, my favourite food from the day I met him. He used to make me the best pumpkin pie. Made with 100% true love, He used to say, and I laughed every time. I watch nearly bursting into tears as they pull out of the kiss and she repeats those words, almost afraid.

            “Until parted by death.” I whisper ever so quietly.     

            “And beyond princess.”

Until parted by death, and beyond. My heart glows, I had forgotten that. That’s all it takes to make me feel just a little less alone. I feel tears cloud up my eyes. “Until parted by death, and beyond.” I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way he looked at me, the way he smiled, or the way he always seemed to be there when I needed him most, but I am certain to this day that I will eternally be in love with this man, and he will forever be in love with me.

                                                            ***

            I open my eyes and see the cold dark forest again. Marc is standing over me with his sword.

            “You monster!” His voice screams over me, except for once I don’t feel like a monster. I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel horrible, and I don’t feel insane. I feel human. The voices, they still scream. They scream about how worthless I am, how alone I am, how horrible I am, but I tune them out. They yell at me endlessly, tormenting me but I push them away. They question me, asking Was there even a point of being on this earth?

            “You deserve to die!” He screams at me, but this time to his surprise I look him dead in the eye.               

            “I know.” I say directly to his face and his anger boils over. Bringing his sword up above his head, screaming.

            I watch that blade shimmer in the moonlight. So, this is the day I die. My doom towering over me. Marc, becoming me. Tears start to flow down my cheeks, this really is my price to pay for all the harm and destruction I caused. I hear the ticking grow louder and louder in my ears. Tick tock tick tock. Then finally, I hear a chime. The clock runs out, chime. I watch in slow motion as he brings his sword down on me, I feel so alone and so cold and so very much in the dark.

But then I feel something else, warmth. It surrounds me like a big hug. It feels like an overwhelming amount of joy and absolute never-ending love. Maverick. Even as I stare death right in the eye, I feel a little smile spread across my face. Maybe I’ve made some mistakes, maybe no one will ever be able to forgive me for the things I’ve done, but if I could just be wrapped up in his arms just one more time, I would feel complete. I would feel that maybe, I was worth something even when I felt like nothing. Because somehow, someway, I know he will forgive me if I trust in him, and that’s enough for me to finally forgive myself.

 

Mavy.

 

I stare at Marc, covered in blood and tears. He is becoming like me, being buried in his guilt and shame and one day he will take my place here at the grave. I’ve learned over the course of my life, that by the time the colors fade to reveal what we all thought was black and white were just shades of grey, we will all be before judgements throne. Yet somehow, if we can trust in the one who is watching over us, who gave his life to save the undeserving, forgiveness and mercy could be ours. We just must take that leap of faith.

            I sit here and watch the sword fall. There is nothing I can do now to right the wrongs, fix the mistakes, or take back what I’ve done, but there is something so beautiful in the one last thing I can do. I can forgive myself for the errors because he can. If he can, of all people, forgive me, shouldn’t I forgive myself? And if not for me, then for him, my one true love.

 

Mavy, I’m coming home.

           

 

 

"It's just a leap of faith, Del," - Mavy.

That was a wonderful piece of writing! Though... honestly... I can't remember if Del killed one of Marc's brothers or if I just forgot because Rose rped like ten of them so they all seemed to bleed together.

But, panda, that was amazing! I see what you can do with your writing and have seen it before in role-playing time and time again... *flashbacks*

Though- I will say for the benefit of everyone else... Marc is one of the most twisted and anti-heroic characters I have ever put to paper ever. I don't know what got into me to make a twelve year old turn into a twisted murder/torturer/substance abuser. I regret a lot about what I did with that character. I'm glad that, because of him, we have this wonderful piece of writing!

Heh- maybe that's something good in the end... right?

[shortcake they/him/her]

On 9/5/2023 at 9:01 PM, SmilingPanda19 said:

So I've been debating starting my own writing thread for a while, mostly because I am embarrassed of my writing. I've had a lot of friends and family tell me my writing is good, but I struggle to believe them mostly because of my age or their relation to me. I'm not exactly sure if they are telling the truth so giving my writing to complete strangers is my solution. I want as much feedback as anyone is willing to give. If nobody ever sees this I am fine with that. I have just come to terms with myself and decided that at least getting some of my horrible writing out there is a step forward. This will hopefully give me motivation to write as well.  So hopefully I can become a better writer because of this. If this becomes inactive for a while so be it, but this will succeed to help me in some way I'm sure. 

WARNING: My grammar sucks. If you fear bad grammar abort mission now. I write based off emotion and my thoughts, not on grammar or grammatical correctness. (Plus im horrible at editing) 

So here it is. My Writing Corner of Chaos. My absolute passion, pride, and joy given to absolute strangers to correct, critique, and enjoy. Here is my first scene. 

(Based on #4 of my suggestions for @CalanoCorvus)

Scene 1: Goodbye

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“Papa?” My little boy looks up at me. He sits cross legged on the floor of our old wooden front porch.

 

“Yes son?” I fold the newspaper in my hand with my fingers and lean forward.

 

“What does goodbye mean?” I set my paper on the side of the rocking chair and lean back, indulging myself in thought.

 

“Well, goodbye is a word.” 

 

“But what does the word mean?” The wind picks up and ruffles his perfect hair and kisses his innocent little head. The sweet smell of the southern countryside flows through the air with the autumn leaves.

 

“Goodbye is a complicated word.” 

 

“How can it be like that? Doesn’t every word have a meaning?” I sit up and run my hand over his hair, back and forth. 

 

“A word can have many meanings.” His beautiful blue eyes sparkle with the evening sun. He got that from his mother. 

 

“What does the word good mean?” 

 

“It means something is right, it means something is wonderful.” I smile. “Just like you baby boy.” His face lights up. “Just like your mama.” I whisper and he just continues to smile. He’s never met her; he will never understand how much of her I see in him. 

 

“Then what does bye mean?” I go silent for a moment, thinking. 

 

“It means farewell, or so long.” He turns his head slightly up at me. His adorable rosy cheeks glow with his pearly smile.

 

“Then goodbye is a happy farewell.” How innocent those precious eyes are. How sweet his young heart is. How many monsters he must face in this world that I cannot protect him from. It pains my soul.

 

“I suppose.” 

 

“Then how come you can not define it Papa if I just did?” I sigh and slip out of the rocking chair, kneeling on the ground next to him. My knees ache with my age.

 

“A goodbye is more than that. It can not be defined by words.” 

 

“Then how can you define it?”

 

“Goodbyes aren’t just words, they are emotions. Goodbyes are sad. Goodbyes are happy. Goodbyes are forever. Goodbyes are soon.” 

 

“Papa, how can words be emotions? How can sadness be happy? How can soon be forever?”

 

“Because you feel something in the word goodbye. Goodbyes are pieces of your heart given to another person to have and hold. Your heart can be sad, and your heart can be happy all at once. Your heart can be theirs, for now, and forever. It’s for them to keep, till you meet again or for the rest of the time. There is no emotion you give, or duration they have it, it's a free gift in every way.”

 

“Goodbye is a lot of things.” 

 

“Goodbye is everything. Everything that cannot be described.” He goes quiet, I seem to have answered his question. 

 

“Do you like the word goodbye papa?” That makes me stop. Like the word goodbye?

 

“Like it?” 

 

“Yes, do you like goodbyes?” I watch him closely. 

 

“What do you mean?” He takes a breath, looking away and out into the grass. 

 

“I like goodbyes. Goodbyes mean I am one step closer to seeing them again.” I never thought of that. 

 

“They can be that way.” 

 

“Goodbyes are hidden trinkets of love. Love is happy and sad, love is now and forever, love is an emotion and a word.” I smile. Who knew you could learn so much from a little boy. 

 

“They certainly are son.” He grins softly as he turns his attention back to me.

 

“So why don’t you like goodbyes?” I pause. Why don’t I?

 

“Because they are hard to say.” That was the truth. It is the hardest word to mutter. It’s the hardest phrase that I’ve ever had to say. Saying goodbye is the most difficult thing youll ever do, especially if it's to someone you understand you will never see again. 

 

“But why?” 

 

“It's not why, it's who. You wouldn’t understand, baby.” 

 

“Then who?” I sigh, shaking my head. 

 

“You wouldn’t understand.” 

 

“How come?” He brings his hand up and shakes my wrist. 

 

“You're too young.” My tone gets a little bitter. 

 

“Too young to understand what?” 

 

“You're too young to understand love, Benji.” My harsh tone causes him to go silent. The porch creaks with the wind as the sun sets on the horizon.

 

“You're too young to understand what it's like to say goodbye to someone you love.” My voice shakes a bit. He stays silent, letting the sentence rest for a moment. 

 

“Did you have to say goodbye to mama?”

 

I nod slowly. “It was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say.” 

 

His voice moves to a whisper. “What did she say?” I turn and look at him, he is no longer smiling, but curious. He wants to understand.

 

“She said goodbye.” He shakes his head a little. 

 

“No papa. Was it a word or an emotion? Happy or sad?” 

 

“It was an emotion, a moment packed into a word. It was sadly happy, full of grief but joy for the life she had.” I mumble. 

 

“Was it now or forever?” I ruffle his hair between his fingers. 

 

“It was now and forever. Her goodbye still lives with me to this day.” He holds my hand with all his tiny fingers wrapping around it. “It lives in you.”

 

“Why is it so hard to say if you will see her again?” 

 

“Because it means I will not see her until I leave you.” I lean over and kiss his forehead. 

 

“And I won’t leave you until the time is right.” He nods. 

 

“So, you’ll say goodbye?” 

 

“Everyone has to say goodbye someday, baby.” He goes silent for a minute before squeezing my hand tight, like he is afraid to let go.

 

“Word and emotion?”

 

“Word and emotion.”

 

“Happy and sad?” 

 

“Happy and sad.” 

 

“Now and forever?”

 

“Now and forever and ever.” 

 

“Goodbye.” He smiles and gives me a little wave. He reminds me so much of her, it’s hard to bear. 

 

“Goodbye.” I wave my hand back at him. His grin gets wider, and I can’t help but think. Goodbye is such a strong little word; but my boy is a strong little boy.

 

PANDA

IM CRYING

THERE ARE LITERAL TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE RIGHT NOW

If wasn't already at my rep limit, i would give you some, because that was SO FREAKING GOOD

and i haven't read your most recent post yet, so lemme go do that real quick

[The Wandering Wizard he/him]

44 minutes ago, SmilingPanda19 said:

I haven't posted here in a while, and I thought it was time.

Today I found out that I didn't even place in the top 5 for a writing contest I submitted to. (50-80 submissions) I spent a long time writing my submission and fell in love with it. I submitted it back in June and I have been so excited for the last few months to find out. I've shown my family and my friends and they all loved it so much. I can't say I'm fine because I'm not, but I'm really proud of this. Even if its not good, I'm proud of it. It means I am one step closer to getting better. Some of you may know this character, some may not, but I hope you like it. So here it is. The best thing I have probably ever written. Hope you like it.

@Thaidakar the Ghostblood - Credits for Marc 

Take Me Home 

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Why must time tick so fast?

            “Get up!” He yells at me. I feel the tip of his shiny steel toe boot kick into my stomach, sending me forcibly flying back onto my side.

            “Fight me you coward!” He yells.                 

            “Get up and fight me!” His voice is filled with pure and full-hearted rage; clearly, he is at the end of his rope.

            “I said get up!” He brings his sword down hard against my face. The flesh on my cheek tears at the edge of his silver blade. The entire right side of my face is torn up from it. It stains my hands a dark shade of red. It flows over the countless other stains on my hands, the blood of all those innocent people that didn’t deserve the price they paid for my unforgivable mistakes.

Loud sounds pang in my ears; noises that continue to torment me. I hear screams over and over from all directions until I can’t bear it anymore. The voices, they come from everywhere. They all blend into one giant mess of regret, guilt, and shame. You’re worthless. Words ring in my ears. You are a mistake. You are a monster. You’ll never make it out. There is no escape. You’ll never earn their trust. You’re such a fake. You deserve the price you must pay.

I cover my ears. Each of their voices talking to me at once, all their blood curdling screams echoing around inside my head. They have become nightmares and demons that float around in my mind. They are here to teach me a lesson; tell me what the exact price is that I must pay.      

I lie curled up on the ground, blood seeping from my face over me, and I hear words echoing in my mind. You will never feel loved. You will never change. You should just give up. There is no running away. You can’t be the same. There is no going back. Remember all the lives you took? Remember all the blood of those you slain? My voice breaks out into sobbing as every mistake, every life I’ve ever taken screeches out at me in one painful cry. The guilt piles on top of me, pushing me further and further into my maniacal murderous insanity.

 The salty tears drip down my cheeks slowly. My entire empire is crumbling before my very eyes. Everything I thought I had turns to dust or burns to ashes. My enemies all sit back and watch as my life disintegrates before me; they laugh and mock me alongside every tumbling piece of my false pride.

My whole life I felt like nothing even when I thought I had it all. Now here I sit at my grave, and I am terrified because I have nothing if I can’t take any of it with me. I’ve always been nothing, everything they say is true. I am a mistake. I am just a tool. I fall on my knees before their throne of lies and beg the voices to let me live in peace. But no matter how hard I try they still try to hurt me.

Every time I close my eyes, the memories flash before me. I’m haunted by everything I’ve ever done. I was expected to be like my parents, who were villains and I’ve come through. Now they can say that they didn’t lie, that I am just a mistake that deserves the final punishment for my crimes. They bet all their money on my demise.

I can just barely remember what it felt like to have any worth at all. I remember there was only a short time in my life where I ever felt special at all. It was years ago with my husband, Maverick. He held me in his arms when I was scared. He used to kiss my head when I was feeling all alone. The way his eyes softened when he saw me made me feel loved and cared for. He was the only person who treated me as someone with worth.

 We were supposed to make it somewhere. We planned to buy a home deep out in the countryside. We wanted to go far away, forget the life we knew, and find our own way. We wanted to be far away from the life our parents gave us and the expectations they placed on us. We could have started over and gotten everything we ever wanted. But did it ever come true?

We were supposed to have kids; probably six or seven. Each one would be loved more than anything in this world. We were never going to let them forget how much their mother and father cared about them, so that when times did get hard, they were ready. We were never going to let them grow up thinking from the perspective we had to live with as children. We wanted to give them a life we never had; where we would sing them lullabies to get them to sleep and give them hugs when they were sad. It should have been a relationship where they could tell us anything, good or bad and yet we would love them still to our dying days. They wouldn’t have been afraid of going to sleep and not waking up the next morning. They would have had it better than we could have ever imagined as kids.

I always hated going to sleep. It was always the fact that the world never stopped when I closed my eyes.

 I remember how he held me that one night, when I just couldn’t sleep. He let me sleep at his house to get away from my family. We were just two young kids who were too innocent to understand the world around us. I remember the feeling of his bed and how he always let me take the bed so I could stay warm while he slept on the floor.

I close my eyes and suddenly when I open them it’s like I’m there. It’s like I am watching the memory play, like it’s a rerun. I can’t do anything but watch, just stand here and seeing how I was not so alone back then.

                                                 ***

“I hate the dark.” I hear him rustle from his mat on the floor as I hear my voice in this memory, it echoes. The blankets that lay on the bed, looked so warm but somehow the world could still feel so cold.

“Really?” His voice mutters and I watch as his handsome head peeks up over the side of the bed. Even at the youthful age of seventeen he had a deep voice.

“Mhm.” My young voice squeaks out lightly. I was buried in the blankets in bed. I watched his golden green eyes look over to the younger me from the side of the bed. They had a perfect golden glow to them in the dark, just like his heart. The way he looked at me always made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside words couldn’t describe what I felt.

I watched as he grunted and stretched up, standing up off his mat. His long, tall body towered over the bed and his muscles filled out his frame perfectly. He was not a small man to say the least.

He climbed onto the bed and turned me around carefully, like a person would touch a scared little kitten. His long arms and tall body wrapped around me and held me tight under the covers like I am enfolding in his embrace. His rough callous covered hands stroked my long brown hair that was slightly curly since I had taken it out of a braid. I remember that feeling so well, but I can only see and not feel.

I remember feeling so loved in his arms. It always seemed like all my problems would just melt away.

“You know what to do when you’re scared?”

“No.” He brought his mouth up to my ear and whispered softly like it was a little secret.

“You just remember that I will always be there, whether you see me or not.” I felt so, so loved in that moment. It was like I was on top of the world, and no matter what happened, I felt that everything would turn out all right. I thought I could never lose the love of my life. Oh, how for granted I took his love then, because now I’d give anything to be held in his arms.

“Promise?” My young voice whispered out, leaving my lips with trust and hope that maybe everything would be okay and one day there would be nothing for us to fear in the dark. That all my problems could wash away if my Prince Charming was there, if my Mavy was there. I was so naïve back then.

“Promise.” He said back. I could tell by his voice, that it wasn’t a lie. He truly would do anything to stay with me. That one-word has stuck with me all these years. That one-word ringing in my ears every single day of my life since. Promise. His voice crying it out from the grave. Promise. My voice screaming in my ears in agony. Promise.

Now he’s gone. He can never come back. The only thing that ever made me feel happy and loved is gone. Every bit of sorrow in my soul piles into a huge weight on my shoulders. I can’t get rid of this horrible paralyzing grief. The voices in my head, they get louder as the torment me. They loom in my ears till I break. Now that he’s gone, nobody’s there to silence them anymore.

                                                 ***

“Just make it stop!” I scream. I feel like the entire world has stopped around me. I am back on the ground, ripped from my memories back to this horrible reality. Everyone standing in the woodlands watching becomes utterly silent.

“Stop?” I hear him ask. His voice lost in a maniacal nature.

“Stop?!” His voice raises, insane laughter breaking from his lips. It escapes from the depth of his soul. He likes to torment me, and after all I’ve done to his family, it makes sense.

“You want me to stop?!” His laughter raises deep from in his throat ringing out over the whole forest. I peak my eye out from behind my hands. This boy is young, probably only twelve years old. And yet he stands over me with the tip of his bloody blade by my throat. Me, the greatest supervillain of my time, brought before a boy to die. What makes him different?

“Delilah Caven, Mistress of Evil…” He mocks me. His insanity is spilling into his emotions.

“…Is begging me? Begging me, Marc Metsk, to stop this torture?” His laugh booms across the city. I shrivel up at his feet, already in pain and covered in blood.

“After all you did to me you’re expecting me to just let you live?” His voice grows louder by the second. He is right, I’ve done everything to deserve this. I’ve done everything to deserve more, more pain and suffering than is already being doled out.

“Please. . .” I whisper. Blood and tears drip from my head, I don’t try to stop him from doing anything; I’m helpless.

“Please? Oh, so if you ask nicely ill just stop?” His laughter rises from deep in his heart, cutting me to the core. His insanity, much like mine drives him crazier by the day. The only difference between us is I’m too far gone to be saved. There is no redemption for me, no time left for forgiveness. It’s all added up and there is nothing I can do to right the wrong now.

“You killed him! You killed my brother you monster!” His voices rises and the entire forest of people hiding behind the trees and bushes watch silently as if this is some kind of sick show. The horrible people I’ve been surrounded by my whole life are all here to see my death. Each of them doing absolutely nothing to save me. Afterall, who would do something to help someone like me?

“I bet you he begged! Ha! Ha! Ha! I bet he begged! Just like you now! Shriveled on the ground, begging for a chance to live!” His laughter sounds deep, like a man’s. His rage and insanity ruin his innocence. He is a man inside a boy’s body. I am a scared little girl, sobbing and crying in a woman’s body.

“And what did you do?” He gets close to my face screaming. I understand his pain, I understand what it feels like to see someone you love to die and want revenge. I also know that’s what pushed me over the brink, the quest for revenge. Revenge is what sent me over the edge that I can never climb up from again.  

“You killed him!” He’s right, I did kill his brother. I made that mistake. I drank too much wine and nearly killed myself, more mistakes. I killed so many because I couldn’t deal with the grief. I was abused and tortured because I couldn’t control myself. It all adds up. A long list of mistakes to pay for, things I deserve to die for. The Reaper is here delivering the horrible gruesome death I deserve.

“And I’m going to do the same to you! You!” He screams and stomps his foot down on the ground every time he speaks.

“Horrible!” I cringe back as he slices for my face again.

“Terrible!” I watch his eyes as he stares down at me like a god of judgment.

“Insane!” He is over top of me with his sword screaming all the things that define me.

“Worthless!” I cry more, tears dripping down my cheeks like a little girl curled up in the corner.

“Monster!” He screams directly into my face, and I can feel his hot breath wash over me.

 I am all those things, it’s all completely and utterly true. Somehow though there is only one thing that rings in my head, catching all my worthless attention. When my time finally ticks to a stop, what will I have that doesn’t just drop? However, there is only one looming important question in the air.

What if Maverick could see me now? I watch, its like time has frozen before me. Everything has just stopped, and I wonder, is this what your life flashing before your eyes feels like? I feel myself being swept back into a memory and everything fades to black before me and into a new light.

                                                 ***

Church bells ring in the distance, on an early fall Sunday morning and the breeze feels cool. I stand up and look around, I remember this place. It’s like I’ve been transported back to the past, and it’s the happiest day of my life.

“Are you ready?” I look behind me and see my Maverick standing there in a suit next to a priest. He looks astonishingly handsome. That voice was his. He was talking to the priest, his gorgeous green eyes listening for the priest’s response.

“I think I should be asking you that.” The priest says with a smile. Maverick looked over at him.

“I was ready to put a ring on that girl the day my eyes caught sight of her.” I watch as his smile raises, and he comments on his own statement.

“I’ve never been more ready.” His smile, a pearly charming white, was one of the best things about him. He never stopped smiling, never let himself fall into a pit of despair no matter how hard times were.

I watch as I see myself walk out. I was in a slim white wedding dress, and I looked stunning, even ravishing. Maverick’s jaw nearly dropped.

“You look, so beautiful, love.” He held out his hands and held onto mine. I almost melt just thinking about how his hands held mine that day.

“So do you.” I nearly smile at hearing my voice again, when I was so young, innocent, and so in love.

“You look just like a princess.” I watch his charming smile rise; I always loved his nickname. I was his princess, and he was my Prince Charming, like from old fairy tales I used to read where we could just end happily ever after.

            We begin our vows in this dream of memories.

            “In the name of God, I, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, take you, Delilah Marie Caven, as my wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until parted by death.” I see his smile go so wide as he finished his vows.

            “This is my solemn vow. To you my dearest most precious princess, the love of my life.” I watch as my eyes glow softly, true absolute love that will never be quenched even to this day. I am so utterly and entirely in love with this man. I watch as my lips move to say the vows. I remember that this past self didn’t know all that she would lose.

            “In the name of God, I, Delilah Marie Caven, take you, Maverick Gabriel Marshall, as my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better. . . Or for worse.” My voice goes quiet as I hesitate. He notices and squeezes my hand, staring into my eyes.

            “Mavy...”

            “Yes, love?”

            “I’m scared.”

            “What are you scared of, dear?” His eyes were warm and soft for her.

            “That I’ll make a mistake. . .” I mumble and he just smiles sweetly.

            “Don’t worry princess, I’ve got you. For better. . .” He squeezes my hands and pulls my right hand up, kissing it softly.

            “. . .Or for worse. I’ll never stop loving you.” His smile warms my heart even now. I noticed something, tears. They were watering in his eyes, about to drip down his face. They were tears of joy. Tears of joy at seeing his stunning wife in a beautiful white wedding dress on the best day of his life. A tear drips from my own face as I stare at him, his absolute unstoppable love for me. I miss you, Mavy. I feel more tears leak from my eyes over my face. I miss him so much; words cannot describe how much I miss him.

I watch as the younger me continues the vows; all I can think about is, that was the last time I wore white.

            The last time I wore white, was the day my husband died; The day he was killed to save me. When Bounty hunters were after me for being a villain’s child, and they killed him because he got in the way. I was a white angel to him, not a red devil like I was to the rest of the world. I wipe my tears away so I can see, and I catch the end of the vows.

            “To love and cherish until parted by death.” Those words echo in my head. Until parted by death. What would he think of me if he saw me now? What would he say? Would he still love me now that death has parted us?

 I watch the kiss. I remember the taste of his lips and how they always seemed to taste like cool pumpkin pie on a fall evening, my favourite food from the day I met him. He used to make me the best pumpkin pie. Made with 100% true love, He used to say, and I laughed every time. I watch nearly bursting into tears as they pull out of the kiss and she repeats those words, almost afraid.

            “Until parted by death.” I whisper ever so quietly.     

            “And beyond princess.”

Until parted by death, and beyond. My heart glows, I had forgotten that. That’s all it takes to make me feel just a little less alone. I feel tears cloud up my eyes. “Until parted by death, and beyond.” I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way he looked at me, the way he smiled, or the way he always seemed to be there when I needed him most, but I am certain to this day that I will eternally be in love with this man, and he will forever be in love with me.

                                                            ***

            I open my eyes and see the cold dark forest again. Marc is standing over me with his sword.

            “You monster!” His voice screams over me, except for once I don’t feel like a monster. I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel horrible, and I don’t feel insane. I feel human. The voices, they still scream. They scream about how worthless I am, how alone I am, how horrible I am, but I tune them out. They yell at me endlessly, tormenting me but I push them away. They question me, asking Was there even a point of being on this earth?

            “You deserve to die!” He screams at me, but this time to his surprise I look him dead in the eye.               

            “I know.” I say directly to his face and his anger boils over. Bringing his sword up above his head, screaming.

            I watch that blade shimmer in the moonlight. So, this is the day I die. My doom towering over me. Marc, becoming me. Tears start to flow down my cheeks, this really is my price to pay for all the harm and destruction I caused. I hear the ticking grow louder and louder in my ears. Tick tock tick tock. Then finally, I hear a chime. The clock runs out, chime. I watch in slow motion as he brings his sword down on me, I feel so alone and so cold and so very much in the dark.

But then I feel something else, warmth. It surrounds me like a big hug. It feels like an overwhelming amount of joy and absolute never-ending love. Maverick. Even as I stare death right in the eye, I feel a little smile spread across my face. Maybe I’ve made some mistakes, maybe no one will ever be able to forgive me for the things I’ve done, but if I could just be wrapped up in his arms just one more time, I would feel complete. I would feel that maybe, I was worth something even when I felt like nothing. Because somehow, someway, I know he will forgive me if I trust in him, and that’s enough for me to finally forgive myself.

 

Mavy.

 

I stare at Marc, covered in blood and tears. He is becoming like me, being buried in his guilt and shame and one day he will take my place here at the grave. I’ve learned over the course of my life, that by the time the colors fade to reveal what we all thought was black and white were just shades of grey, we will all be before judgements throne. Yet somehow, if we can trust in the one who is watching over us, who gave his life to save the undeserving, forgiveness and mercy could be ours. We just must take that leap of faith.

            I sit here and watch the sword fall. There is nothing I can do now to right the wrongs, fix the mistakes, or take back what I’ve done, but there is something so beautiful in the one last thing I can do. I can forgive myself for the errors because he can. If he can, of all people, forgive me, shouldn’t I forgive myself? And if not for me, then for him, my one true love.

 

Mavy, I’m coming home.

           

 

 

Woah! That's really good Panda!!!