8/7/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 3, 2467 words

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone!

 

I took a break for a few weeks due to vacation followed by a work conference, but I'm back and ready to sub more of Everlasting Sunset. I know it's been a bit since the first couple of subs and they're pretty high learning curve to begin with, but hopefully this one isn't *too* confusing.

 

Though I do have my own worries about this chapter, mostly with feeling that it lacks plot motion. Mostly, I'm curious if there's anything here that is good to know/establish now and what should be sprinkled in later.

 

Thanks!

[MyDude she/her]

First time giving critique here, so sorry if I do anything wrong.
 

The interactions between A and the rest of the characters were fun to read and what I felt was the high points of the chapter. There was a nice double meaning and show-don't-tell to them. Especially with Palla and Lila. I got a sense of their personalities and relation to A without the texts needing to state it outright and they seem to have a rather fun dynamic. 

Lila seems far younger but it’s clear she could outwit A with little problem and has a wisdom to her that she almost plays with like a toy. The little I read of Lila she still gives quite the impression. 

 

The underlying tension between A and Palla was interesting to read. That Palla can speak so politely but it all being lies gives a fun conflict between A and him. 

On the topic of interactions: feel the prose was the strongest when the characters where in conversation with one another. The description of their body language and intonation gave some subtle info to the mode and feelings being felt.  

 

There was bit of confusion with the world building but the further I read the less of a hindrance it became for the story. Probably felt this because this was the first chapter I read. 

It had it’s shakey moment’s where I wasn’t invested in what was happening but in the end it really gripped me. 

 

One example of when I was feeling lost was when the story was concerned with the nuance detailed of the military gear. I personally never really care for the intricacies of weaponry in stories so it might be a me-thing and for all I know all of this info could have pivotal plot relevance later on. But as it stands, it feels more like a list of abilities that aren’t crucial to know now.

 

If there is one thing about the prose that kept me from the story was the lack of environment descriptions. From the beginning to end I didn’t really have a grasp on what kind of a setting the characters where in and how the world looked or felt. Like when A travelled to her mothers home and we as readers got next to nothing on how that home looked or any details about it. There was a sense of being ungrounded in the world.

(The ending however, when A concludes she has less time then she thought cus Palla might try to run away if she isn’t fast enough gives the story a nice sense of urgency)

 

Overall it was a nice chapter, even if I came into it without knowing the previous chapters I had no problem following the plot or getting invested in the characters. Hope what I said helped! 

BTW I’m not a native english speaker so sorry for any misspellings.

 

[Demiurgess she/her]

Hi Ace of Hearts!

 

It was wonderful to get back to Everlasting Sunset!

 

I could see that you were trying to give us more about soldier life here.

I was also very curious about the mother character. It definitely deepens the mystery and brings in the curious dynamics. I really like the phrase on p.7 when she says the cottage is strange just as when she woke up. Sent a powerful image.

However, overall, this chapter felt a little weaker for me than the previous ones. I saw that you did a great job coming up with different soldier types and their weapons. It's absolutely logical to portray them in training and give more agency to A, but maybe if there was a bit more danger or urgency to it, it would get more exciting. there was already a battle in the previous chapter, so I realise you might not want to repeat that. But perhaps, the comment at the very end about how A has only one month to get them ready was given earlier, it would raise the stakes a bit.

Also, p.1 it felt contradictory then that A tells them not to push themselves too hard. I mean I know she is there to help them, especially P, but she needs them in good fighting shape, so it's not actually about going lax

I enjoyed the philosophical discussion with L, I am growing on this smart girl character. Also, the sidesteps A and P are making around each other are great. With that being said, I though maybe a bit more of the body language will help to escalate the matter and create even more intrigue. There is definitely a lot going on between the two, coming from the past. But P's fake smile wasn't enough for me.

Also, p.5 "Same fake tone as before. It was hard to believe since he talked.... " Is it the fake tone or her past experience with P that makes her suspicious? I felt like if you focused on the past it would send a stronger image.

 

All in all, I believe there is a message in this chapter - the upcoming threat + additional arc of the mother. However, I feel like they both need just some spicing up just to keep up with the previous chapters in style and dynamics.

 

 

[Mandamon he/him]

I also found this chapter a little weaker, like the others. There was some good advancement and some other surprises while reading, but I had two main points that tripped me up:

Soldier types/training: I think here showing off what they do with a fight would be much better than just telling what they do. There's also not a reason for us to know the designations unless the soldiers are using them. Right now the only one even with a name is P.

Past lives/mom: This continues to be a point of confusion for me, and I think it can be cleared up pretty easily with a paragraph or so. How do people switch between bodies/classes? Are the bodies actually different on sight? How do people have mothers if they are reborn every ten years? Do people usually remember their past lives? Just some hints to these answers would set us in the story a lot better and let the characters and plot have more room to act.

I am enjoying it overall!

Notes while reading:

pg 2: Interesting discussion about identity here. Are the bodies actually different between classes? Might be good to have a little description how if so.

pg 3: "Same as in his last life."
--Did P also die (or whatever) at the same time A did? I don't think I'm clear enough on how the transfer works to know what this means.

pg 3: "massive tower shield that could launch massive cannon shots"
--repeated word

pg 4: "Apparently, the soldier didn’t know he could do this"
--I'm interested in why the soldiers aren't taught what they should be, however this section drags a bit with the infodump on soldier types. Is there a reason to know them? Could they be shown in action?

pg 7: "When A arrived at her mom’s cottage"
--wait, what now? Did they leave the place where they were stationed? I thought this was an outpost or something separated from the rest of the empire? Or did I make that up.

pg 7: "Middle-aged, with light curly hair"
--also, how does this work with people being given new bodies and only living 10 years?

pg 7: "When you appeared on the island out of nowhere,"
--oh, ok. So is this unusual? I thought everyone changed bodies?

pg 8: "I found that there have been rumors about you hiding kids away from years and years ago.”
--This section is a big jump from the training at the beginning of the chapter. I think we need some more context for this, or to roll out the revelations a little slower so they have more meaning.

pg 8: "could appear as an adult with memories of a past life."
--Again, I thought everyone did this here? OR do ministers usually remember their soldier lives?

[Silk she/her]

P1: A’s speech to the soldiers seems… short. I guess I was expecting more about the impending invasion or her plans for the soldiers or something, not just “I’ll try not to be a jerk to you, move along”?

P2 “the borderline treason of L’s ideas aside” – wait, really? Can we get a reaction shot as L is talking if so? I wasn’t quite sure what the aim of this conversation was, except maybe at the end when we get this “borderline treason” line.

“He didn’t even know about different soldier roles” Are these assigned? Are people born into them? Is it equipment based? How do they determine who gets what role?

My attention is wandering as I read through the different roles and such for the soldiers – it feels like a long time without any real movement. Can we connect all of this worldbuilding to a tangible goal? A’s desire to save P, or to repel this anticipated attack despite the odds, or something like that?

P4: I’m very curious about why this princess is just hanging around this base that is apparently going to be sacrificed for the greater good, let alone why she’s serving food to soldiers.

P7 “When A arrived at her mom’s cottage…” Oh, hm, I think this is new information. I would have assumed she was staying at the base. And… did both the previous chapters happen all in one day? I thought some time had passed for some reason.

“…not even having your memories…” Wait, confused. I thought A had all her soldier memories and that was unusual?

P8 “…that the rebels are going to attack soon.” I think this is the first time in this chapter this is mentioned. This is the first time I’ve felt any sense of urgency re this impending attack.

“…so that you can’t ascend through the bureaucracy.” They don’t want A in particular to get promoted? Why?

P9 “she needed to fix her own mistakes.” Such as?

Overall: I’ve already mentioned my biggest issue – which is that I didn’t really feel a sense of urgency in this chapter. I think the fact that a lot of the bits and pieces – the soldier roles, the conversations with L and with A’s mother – seem disconnected from each other. I don’t really have any sense yet of how these different pieces fit into a larger narrative.

The dynamic between A and her mom is interesting, but I’m getting the sense that A’s mom is hiding a lot from her and for some reason A has… decided to just accept that. I think I’m also just having trouble slotting this relationship into place when there is still so much answered about how the mechanics of the world and reincarnation etc. actually work. I think sliding in a few more hints here and throughout the narrative would be really helpful in starting to figure out what’s what. Big learning curves are fine for a certain type of reader, but right now I’m not certain I’m being set up to successfully follow the curve, not quite.