17/7/23 - Demiurgess - We Be Of One Genome - short story - 4665 words

[Demiurgess]

Hello everyone!
 

This is my first submission for critique. I chose a short story, which starts a bit like magical realism and then goes full into SF.

It has a bit of violence, but I wouldn't call it very hardcore.

Let me know what you think works and what doesn't.

Thanks for reading the piece!

[Mandamon]

Congrats on your first submission!

It's an interesting concept. Reminds me of the original Star Trek, or Twilight Zone episodes. I think the first few pages could be tightened up a bit to get to the plot a little faster. There are a few places where you could also get a little closer to the character by turning descriptions of thoughts into indirect thought by the character. I gave some examples below.

Fun story!

Notes while reading:

Pg 1: You could edit down a little by removing some of the connection between "X thought" and the thought, making in an "indirect" thought rather than a description. It also puts the reader closer to the character viewpoint.
For example:
"J scratched his stubble and thought that it would be great to finally get rid..."
to
"Jim scratched his stubble. It would be great to finally get rid..."

"Being in nature was nice but definitely overrated, J concluded as he observed his suede shoes..."
to 
"Being in nature was nice but definitely overrated. J's suede shoes were..."

pg 1: "clearly see the pawprints"
--confused here. Is he looking for pawprints? I thought he was waiting for a train. This goes into musing on the boars farther down, when I'm still wondering about him catching the train. Maybe another connecting sentence or so?

pg 2: Could do the same indirect thought thing with the imagined boar's speech.

pg 3: Maybe a little too long spent on the surprising tea. I'm looking for some sort of foreword movement here.

pg 3: "felt a shiver running up his spine as his hand with square manicured nails touched the door handle" -> "felt a shiver running up his spine as his square-manicured nails touched the door handle"

pg 4: "The branches remained clawed together"
--The branches clung together? Not the right word above.

pg 4: "With an oink"
--okaaay.

pg 7: "backed away, all the colour bleeding from his face."
--he can't actually see this.

pg 7: "Its hairy skin of brown colour reminded Jim of the coconut shell."
-> "Its hairy brown skin reminded Jim of a coconut shell."

pg 8: "Perhaps, its programming was compromised, a virus or something."
--Strange switch here. The rest of this is sort of timeless. It could have been anywhere from the 1950's until now, then this places this as future.

pg 9: "“You don’t remember, do you?” Got so absorbed by your acting, it truly transformed you.”
--strange

pg 10: So humans are...aliens? That are transforming warthogs into...other humans?

pg 13: Is everyone named Jim here?

[Demiurgess]

21 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think the first few pages could be tightened up a bit to get to the plot a little faster. There are a few places where you could also get a little closer to the character by turning descriptions of thoughts into indirect thought by the character. I gave some examples below.

Thanks, Mandamon! Tightening things up isn't always easy, so thanks for the examples - it's really helpful!

[Demiurgess]

21 hours ago, Mandamon said:

So humans are...aliens? That are transforming warthogs into...other humans?

Yup  

[Demiurgess]

21 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Is everyone named Jim here?

I wasn't sure it works. But there was an idea that the changed warthogs aren't exactly fussy and try to stick to the most common names to blend in.

[Silk]

Congrats on your first submission! Right to it then:

The sensory detail in the introductory paragraph is great, very grounding.

By the end of the second paragraph though, my attention is starting to wander a bit. I’m looking for hints of the inciting incident and am not sure whether the boars are it or just part of the atmosphere?

As I get to the bottom of the first page, I’m also wondering about the setting. There are details that indicate this is a modern setting, with reference to B&B etc., but the language suggests a much older setting.

P2: as I keep reading I find that the hints of emotion and tension from the POV character are the areas that are most engaging.

“There was now another inscription on the cup…” like it just appeared out of nowhere?

Is “T” the last name? Otherwise I don’t quite understand the second inscription or why it’s such a coincidence.

P3 “was it a complimentary tea for buying the ticket?” confused again, I thought this was someone’s drink that was left behind?

I’m not sure what actually happened to J’s leg. Maybe clarify the blocking or hang a lantern on the fact that J doesn’t know either? It almost read at one point like the wild boars, but this doesn’t really read like an animal attack.

P9 Ah! There was an earlier point where I wondered if the main character was turning to something else, but I thought I’d actually misread. Maybe a few more hints of this earlier so that the reader can guess what’s going on even if J doesn’t know?

P10 “The warthog must have damaged the implant…” so now he remembers everything including his prior transformation?

“Surely the train could not be completely empty” – yeah, I was definitely wondering why he didn’t run into anyone else.

Overall: This was an interesting piece! It’s an interesting concept and there were definitely moments where I was engaged and interested in what was going on. I think my biggest stumbling block was mostly confusion! I think finding opportunities to clarify what’s going on will just take a line or two of edits at different places throughout the story.

Aside from the fact that I think you could have gotten to the inciting incident and beyond a little quicker, the biggest thing I wanted from the story was to know more about J. I think that knowing a little more about him could make the ending hit harder – what does he want/what is he getting from civilization that his transformation (and death presumably) is keeping him from? Is or was he part of the rebellion that was hinted at? Etc.

Nice work!

[Demiurgess]

Thank you for the critique, Silk! It was really useful!

[Silk]

10 hours ago, Demiurgess said:

Thank you for the critique, Silk! It was really useful!

Of course! Always glad to hear it's helpful

[Cathy Lim]

Sorry I am late! I was cramming for my book club last week. Interesting story! Ditto on the Twilight Zone feel. 

I struggled with the first few paragraphs. I just couldn't picture where the character was and why they were there. When we got to the coffee counter it became a bit clearer. I don't understand the tea with his name on it. Was that magic? Technology? Something the boar did? I was thinking through most of this that it was an animal getting revenge on a hunter. I liked that it was actually an alien race that had turned him into a human. 

Page 1- " smelling of mushroom" Do mushrooms smell really? I haven't really noticed that they do except for that damp wet foresty smell. 

You start the first three paragraphs with the character's name. Is that intentional style? If not I try to watch for that in my writing and mix things up a bit. 

"What would they need on the platform anyway?"- I'm not sure why he's thinking about wild boars at this point, and why a family of boars?

Page 3- "When the agony passed"- if it was so hot he was in agony I don't think he'd take another sip. And I'm confused- did the tea turn him back into a boar? How did that work?

Page 4- "With an oink" I was very confused with this description until later when he turned into a boar. It didn't make fit with the rest of the description when I first saw it.

Page 6- "leaves mush"- again this is not a smell I'm really placing well and I live in the Pacific Northwet and have walked in damp, rainy woods many times. 

Page 8- "And why had he attacked him before"- I feel like J just jumps to the conclusion that this is the same boar that attacked him on the platform. If the train had traveled for a while why would he assume that? What clues would make him believe that?

Page 13- “No, J. You know that the programme"- Is the cop also named J? Are they all Js? 

I think this is a great story! Keep working at it and it should come together nicely! 

[Ace of Hearts]

quick question @Demiurgess, are you still looking for more feedback? I want to make sure I'm giving comments on other people's stories given how much I've been submitting solo--especially here since you've been giving me great feedback--but I also wanted to make sure that it would actually be helpful.

Thanks!

[Demiurgess]

On 25/07/2023 at 6:22 AM, Cathy Lim said:

I think this is a great story! Keep working at it and it should come together nicely! 

Hi Cathy!

 

Sorry I am terribly late with thanks, but I was very busy with other stuff and didn't visit the forum. Thank you, the feedback is really useful.  I guess smells are different for everyone, but it's good to hear what works and what doesn't. And I was worried about that tea cup, but the story kind of flowed and I didn't figure out how to put the explanation in. But I will

[Demiurgess]

On 07/08/2023 at 10:30 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

quick question @Demiurgess, are you still looking for more feedback? I want to make sure I'm giving comments on other people's stories given how much I've been submitting solo--especially here since you've been giving me great feedback--but I also wanted to make sure that it would actually be helpful.

Thanks!

Hi, Ace of Hearts!

 

If you have a moment to look at the story, that would be really great. I still haven't got back to editing it, so yes the comments are still welcomed

[Ace of Hearts]

Excited to dig into it!

Overall: I think the biggest strength here is the atmosphere and how it conveyed J’s isolation, which I was able to get a clear view of at the start. Other than that, there are a lot of good pieces here that I think could be put together more tightly.

It seems like the main thematic topic here is wilds vs civilization, which I think could be more present in the earlier parts of the story. I also will say that wild savagery as a topic is a difficult one to navigate. The story brushes up against ideas of how savagery is shaped by human expansion and colonialism, but that’s really a whole can of worms that I think the story has to delve into in more depth. Also, on the other side there are plenty of wild animals that have structured societies.

Beyond that, I think short stories have to lean towards having themes that are robust but not super explicit, if that makes sense. Like the hog telling J about civilization turns the point into a simple description rather than an idea that permeates through the story. I think J’s human doppelganger is a good example of how something clearly intentional but open-ended can work well, and it just has to be tied to the rest of the story.

As I go:

Pg 1. While the first paragraph is well-written, short stories have very little time to hook the reader with something distinct and I’m not quite seeing that here.

Pg 2. It’s good that we’re getting to the hook of someone with J’s same name, which I’d suggest moving up. I think we need a bit of stakes upfront here for it to really land.

Pg 3. In general internality needs to do some real heavy lifting in a story to be justified since a character standing around thinking isn’t super compelling on its own. There’s a lot of it in these first few pages, and I think it could be a good idea to go through each thought and ask whether or not the story really needs it.

Pg 4. The injury feels like a different hook than the name thing. I’m guessing they’ll get tied together eventually but I’m not sure a short story has the luxury of having them appear disconnected even if it’s only at the start.

Pg 6. I like how the atmosphere of isolation is ramping up, though again I need more to see how it ties in with everything else.

Pg 7. Random thought: if you started the story here with the hog talking and made it clear that the hog had been chasing him for a while, how much would the story actually change? The larger point is that I’m not sure how much all the events leading up to this are necessary.

-Another random thought: the title talking about genomes makes me wonder if J is a werehog or something and doesn’t know it.

Pg 9. London was mentioned before, so is this on Earth? I’m confused what the deal with aliens dropping from the skies is then.  

-The environmental aspect feels like another thread that doesn’t have full setup to hit home

Pg 12-13. I can see thematic threads of the new human J connecting back to the guy with J’s name mentioned at the start, and while I don’t think that connection needs to be more explicit necessary I would like to see more if it throughout.

[Demiurgess]

On 11/08/2023 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Excited to dig into it!

 

Overall: I think the biggest strength here is the atmosphere and how it conveyed J’s isolation, which I was able to get a clear view of at the start. Other than that, there are a lot of good pieces here that I think could be put together more tightly.

Thanks, Ace of Hearts!

You've got a few interesting angles highlighted for me there! It'll be very useful!